12 years

[Alternate]

When I was 21, I had been in my first relationship for two years. I think I loved him, and it was the best sex I ever had, but we never agreed on anything. We fought, and things got physical sometimes.

I got a job at an air conditioning company, and my boss asked me to call a previous employee’s emergency contact, his wife, to see if he wanted to come back to work because our installer had just quit. The next day he showed up, and the first thing I said to my coworker was, “Awe, he’s cute.” He was 17 years older than me. His personality pulled me in. He always wanted to help anyone he could. One day, he told me his whole life story. I couldn’t stop listening. We had so much in common, and I instantly felt connected to him.

I couldn’t stop talking to my boyfriend about him, and I ended up getting my boyfriend a job with him. Eventually, my boyfriend cheated on me and broke up with me. My 22-year-old heart didn’t know how to handle it, but my MM did. He had the best advice, and I still don’t think he intended for anything to happen. A few months later, his wife moved out, but they were still together. We started hanging out after work, and a month later, I secretly moved in. A year passed, and I was obsessed with everything about him. He got fired, and I ended up quitting because of it. I had very little guidance or real-life experience.

Two years later, his wife was still his wife from afar, and I’m still his girlfriend. He left his place without telling his wife and moved in with me and my unwilling parents. My dad passed away a year later, and if he wasn’t my everything before, he became my everything then. Before my dad died, his wife found out who I was, but she didn’t leave him, and he didn’t leave her either. We eventually started arguing, and things got intense. I hit him with a wrench once because he was going to see his son (who is one year younger than me) with his wife out of state for Christmas. One day, the fight got so bad that he called her and packed all his stuff, and she picked him up. We never stopped being exactly what we were, but we did stop fighting and became best friends again.

The end of this month will be 12 years. I’ve spent my entire twenties being #2. I think I stunted my personal growth by being so obsessed. Two years ago, his wife found out we still spoke, and then he went out of town for work. When he came back, she was sick and ended up getting diagnosed with HIV. She said it was from a blood transfusion from a year ago, but I think she wanted to get back at him. He was tested, and I was tested, so that "confirmed" he never lied when he said they weren't having sex. My delusional self really felt like I was something special.

Last month, I went into his phone and found texts—the exact same texts he once sent to me, sent to someone else. Texts saying, “Let me know when you’re here so I can open the gate,” and her asking if everything was okay 2 or 3 hours later. Google Maps showed he went from her place directly to mine. The first thing he told me was, “Nothing sexual happened.” Okay, I didn’t ask, but cool, thanks. That’s believable. I told him to leave, and he saw how hurt I was. He spent hours answering my questions and offering to stop talking to her, telling me things I didn’t believe but still pretended to, hoping to trick myself.

It took me a month to figure out who she was, and when I did, I realized she’d been following him on Instagram (which he never uses) for at least a year. She’s only two years younger than me and seems a lot like me. I confronted him again and vaguely explained how I found her, determined to be done, but he’s a good bullshitter. I blocked him for 24 hours on Thursday, and that was all I could take. We spent Saturday together, and yesterday, her social media accounts were all private. There isn’t any more proof I could be given.

I’ve started driving by his house late at night to see if he’s there, and he has been. I even showed up to his friend’s house uninvited, and she wasn’t there. I’m really going crazy. Do I have to physically see him with her to believe it?

I’m 34 now, with no kids, and I truly felt like I would live the life I was living until he died. But it’s killing me, and it has been for many years. I finally feel guilty about what I’ve done to his wife and realize I’m probably just as bad of a person as he is.

I’ve written and rewritten a message to the new girl a million times, but I’m scared of what happens when she tells me the truth. I highly doubt he mentioned he was married to a girlfriend, so I don’t think she’s going to try to lie for him. But what then? I don’t know how to live my life without him. What am I going to actually accept being 2 of 3?

Tell me I’m stupid and that I need to do what I know is right or something. 🤦🏼‍♀️

[Alternate]

I didn't remember posting here before but I guess that was the last time I was really going through it. But something's aren't same. I said 20 before and I was but I didn't have interest in him until I turned 21. And I guess I'm not good at math either. Details get harder and harder to remember. And apparently I'm stupider than ever. How is he such a good person to everyone else? 

[BaileyB]

If you haven’t done any counselling in the past 12 years, I would suggest that you find a counsellor and do the work. There is a lot to unravel here including why you have chosen this very unhealthy situation for yourself, why you have stayed for so long, and how to begin to change the thought processes and patterns of behavior that you have developed. 

Good luck. 

[Oldenuff2know]

2 hours ago, Alternate said:

How is he such a good person to everyone else? 

He's not. He's a charmer and you're only seeing what you want to see. I agree that you need to go to therapy to unravel these years of deceit by him and the disappointment of always being #2. I will tell you that you're still young enough to find someone who wants to make a life with you and only you.  My daughter wasted all of her 20's and most of her 30's on men like this. Now, she's 41, alone, and has given up any hope of having any children - something she most desperately wanted when she was younger. Don't waste one more minute of your life on someone who is not available. You deserve better.

[Gebidozo]

9 hours ago, Alternate said:

Tell me I’m stupid and that I need to do what I know is right or something.

You are stupid. 

You need to break off all contact with that man, completely remove him from your life. Do it now. Don’t ever look back. Don’t be fooled by the “sunken cost” fallacy. It’s a simple question of whether you want to do a painful surgery now to save your life or slowly die from an otherwise incurable disease.

After you delete that man, please do some deep soul searching, or seek professional counsel. You can’t blame everything that happened on that man, you did some terrible things yourself. You willingly entered a relationship with a married man. He didn’t force you, you chose that. You were physically and probably also emotionally abusive.

You should work on loving yourself, respecting and accepting yourself, learn to stop being infatuated with the wrong people, build up confidence, otherwise you’ll remain stuck in a toxic circle.

[basil67]

hmmm....OP's profile is disabled