Mother's Day Fight (mostly over text)

[BMI03]

I am frustrated, sad, and no one to talk to. Sorry…this is mostly a vent/rant.

Current status: wife doing a complex two year program for her career, in another town away from our home. I am in this other town with her and my son (who we entered in school in this new town) majority of the time, except one weekend and one full week/weekend per month where my son and I go back to our home (a sizable distance away). Wife comes with us when program allows, which is every 3-4 trips. My daughter is in original town which is why we continue the two-city living. One year done, and one more to go.
 

I work remotely, so such logistics is possible. I do school drop offs and pick ups for my son, and parallel watching him in afternoons with my work from home. My work type is demanding but I have traditionally done a good job of balancing. Recently work has become more intense. Im struggling to keep up.

this morning my wife works a weekend shift and said she was thinking about what she would be doing today if not at work. My mind instantly went to thinking that she was thinking up things we need to do that she can suggest I do today (which happens, and for which I don’t have time for today with all the work I have to get done). I responded that please don’t give me tasks, and that if I have to do X and Y today I am going to lose the day, and I need to work. Those X and Y examples are what she asked me to do last weekend which was the same.

She took it right off the nose. I apologized, as I may have jumped to conclusions in that she was thinking up things to ask me to do, but damage was already done.
 

I took time to think today why I said that, and came to conclusion that while we knew and agreed that we were compromising my work by prioritizing hers for this program (and the years prior even), that compromise is much more evident when things are busy at my work, and it’s worrying me that I can’t be more focused on my work as for now it’s the one that pays the bills. So I looked for options like after school programs. I texted my wife to apologize, share that I think I am stressed about my work, and after school programs is something we should investigate as a potential solution. 
 

It’s been hell ever since. She’s accused me of wanting to let strangers bring up our son; or a grey for letting her leave for work thinking this was a grocery shopping problem when I’m saying I want to prioritize my work over hers; she’s saying she can only do this program when she knows I am there and if I can’t be that she will do it all alone like her friend has; accusing me of choosing more difficult projects (we made that decision together);.all what I am seeing as extreme emotional reactions. 
 

And so now I am also angry. Angry she thinks my helping her achieve this program is BS because I am now ‘saying I can’t do it’. I’m angry at all the missed time and lost hours I could be at home that I am choosing to sacrifice for her career if it’s not appreciated. I’m angry at her choosing to emotionally react vs. hearing me when I say I am struggling and want to talk mitigations; I’m angry that she is jumping to extremes like selling our old house, quitting her program, doing it herself, etc. 

I feel like (and have told her), I am trying to articulate a problem after reflecting on my comments this morning and all I am effectively hearing in response is ‘suck it up’, ‘how dare you’, ‘I’ll do it myself’. 
 

Her program is intense, and it should be our priority as after some time it will be if it is greatly financially. But my work is what pays our bills today, so I think it requires a balance and right now I’m putting up my hand to say we have an issue and she’s not creating a safe space to discuss. 
 

This has all been over text since this morning. I would normally bring her a coffee at work for today’s overnight element of her program, especially since Mother’s Day. But one…I don’t really want to because if my anger; and two, I asked her if she wanted one and she said no. I’ve got work to get done as well and trying to get it done today, for us, and so doing so angrily.

Sorry for the rant. I have no one to talk to about this. Don’t think there is a fix…just needed to rant. 

[SurfCity]

10 hours ago, BMI03 said:

my son (who we entered in school in this new town) majority of the time, except one weekend and one full week/weekend per month where my son and I go back to our home (a sizable distance away). Wife comes with us when program allows, which is every 3-4 trips.

 

10 hours ago, BMI03 said:

My daughter is in original town which is why we continue the two-city living.

Is it your son and daughter or are they your children together? If it's your son and daughter, I think that she's already going above and beyond by looking after your child by herself. I don't think it's fair to expect her to give up her study program to go out of her way for your other child as well. If it's your son and daughter together, it sounds like you're picking up your son and dropping him off at daycare. That doesn't sound like a lot. It seems like you think that that should be her job and that you're being very gracious by doing it for her while she's in this study program...but she's watching your daughter and doing the same things for your daughter that you're doing for your son. So it seems like an even split.
 

Quote

I responded that please don’t give me tasks, and that if I have to do X and Y today I am going to lose the day, and I need to work. Those X and Y examples are what she asked me to do last weekend which was the same.

Did you not do them last weekend so she needed to ask you again this weekend? What were the tasks? Were they things that could wait another week or were they things that needed to get done last week?

It sounds like this separation is difficult and causing stress on you both, but you're both looking after one child so it seems like you're doing a good job of splitting the child care fairly.

ETA: Not doing anything for her for mother's day is a really bad/dumb move. Especially if those are your kids and not hers. 

Edited May 13 by SurfCity

[Els]

I'm not really clear as to what you're upset about. It sounds like she's watching your daughter while you're watching your son, and therefore it sounds like the childcare responsibilities are split evenly. Why do you feel like you are doing all the sacrificing "for her career"? You are making these sacrifices to raise your son, which is part and parcel of parenthood. At the same time, she is raising your daughter.

I agree that she should be communicating better, but the root of the issue seems to be that you think she's being "unappreciative for what you're doing", when realistically speaking it sounds like you're doing exactly half of the childcare. I think that sort of belief would irk a lot of people.

 

 

[BaileyB]

Looking back at previous posts, this is a pattern of behavior for you both… I don’t know that the problem here can be solved by analyzing this most recent disagreement. 

[BMI03]

4 hours ago, Els said:

I'm not really clear as to what you're upset about. It sounds like she's watching your daughter while you're watching your son, and therefore it sounds like the childcare responsibilities are split evenly. Why do you feel like you are doing all the sacrificing "for her career"? You are making these sacrifices to raise your son, which is part and parcel of parenthood. At the same time, she is raising your daughter.

I agree that she should be communicating better, but the root of the issue seems to be that you think she's being "unappreciative for what you're doing", when realistically speaking it sounds like you're doing exactly half of the childcare. I think that sort of belief would irk a lot of people.

 

 

I don’t think I explained it very well. I was flustered. 
 

There is no separation. We are married. Elementry school aged son is both of ours. Older daughter is mine from prior marriage. My wife doesn’t look after my daughter. Daughter lives in a different city where we are originally from. Wife, son, and I now spending majority of our time in a new city, for my wife’s program, but my son and I travel back home to original city twice per month to be with my daughter. My wife joins when her schedule allows.

 

My wife’s program will pay dividends in the long term. My salary is the one that pays the bills now, and though luckily it’s mostly a work-from-home career since Covid, the work can be demanding at times…peaks and valleys. Right now is a sizable peak. I have found a way to balance the drop offs, pick ups, lunches, balancing parenting duties and work together for the last few years, but this petticoat peak at work has been stressful. 
 

So my initial slip was asking her not to give me tasks on a day off that I was going to need to spend on work. 

My bigger slip after upsetting her was upsetting her further by suggesting we pay for an after school program for our son for the remainder of the school year. 
 

I thought I was sharing insight into having thought about why I jumped to ask her not to give me tasks….work stress, and concern over all I needed to get done. I thought I was sharing that I had thought about it, and had found some potential mitigations I would like to discuss. 
 

She took it completely opposite. She took it as a giant escalation of ‘I don’t want to get tasks today’ to a big stressor that I want to make big changes about, and kicked off her anxiety about strangers looking after our son. 
 

We celebrated Mother’s Day the day prior since she worked all day Sunday. I would however normally bring her a coffee and/or dinner to work under normal circumstances, but yesterday she said ‘no’ to my offer.
 

Hope that helps clarify the situation. Apologies, I was flustered in original post.
 

 

[BMI03]

4 hours ago, Els said:

I'm not really clear as to what you're upset about. It sounds like she's watching your daughter while you're watching your son, and therefore it sounds like the childcare responsibilities are split evenly. Why do you feel like you are doing all the sacrificing "for her career"? You are making these sacrifices to raise your son, which is part and parcel of parenthood. At the same time, she is raising your daughter.

I agree that she should be communicating better, but the root of the issue seems to be that you think she's being "unappreciative for what you're doing", when realistically speaking it sounds like you're doing exactly half of the childcare. I think that sort of belief would irk a lot of people.

 

 

Sorry, I was flustered writing. I don’t think I was clear. Posted some better info above. 
 

I don't want her doing more child care and house work. I want her to focus on her program. But, my work is getting intense, and my ability to juggle things while she focuses is getting stressful and more difficult. 
 

So what I was proposing was an after school care program to help me manage. 
 

Her opinion is that she can only focus on her program BECAUSE it’s me who is available to look after our son in parallel to my work, and if I can’t do that, she will reluctantly take time off of her program to do it because I cannot. She thinks the mitigations I am proposing with after school care is unacceptable and what set up her anger and anxiety. 
 

I feel like her taking time off of the program is a drastic position vs. working with me to find a more reasonable solution. I don’t believe she would even do it, but is using that as a tactic to push back on the after school care idea. 
 

I don’t know. I just feel stuck. 

[BMI03]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Looking back at previous posts, this is a pattern of behavior for you both… I don’t know that the problem here can be solved by analyzing this most recent disagreement. 

That’s a fair point. It was more a vent and need to release the frustration somewhere, because I am at a loss. 
 

I’m too unemotional, and back and white. She’s too hot headed and flusters. I get insulted too easily, and she likes to hurt when she’s hurt. I think intent is everything and she thinks results are most important, intent or not. I hurt her unintentionally in an attempt to solve a problem, she intentionally hurts me back, and then I feel slighted because she hurt me with purpose. 
 

Not sure what to do

[Els]

1 hour ago, BMI03 said:

Her opinion is that she can only focus on her program BECAUSE it’s me who is available to look after our son in parallel to my work, and if I can’t do that, she will reluctantly take time off of her program to do it because I cannot. She thinks the mitigations I am proposing with after school care is unacceptable and what set up her anger and anxiety. 
 

I feel like her taking time off of the program is a drastic position vs. working with me to find a more reasonable solution. I don’t believe she would even do it, but is using that as a tactic to push back on the after school care idea. 

Hm, that's strange. Have you two explored why exactly she is so against sending your son to daycare after school?
 

Quote

 

I thought I was sharing insight into having thought about why I jumped to ask her not to give me tasks….work stress, and concern over all I needed to get done. I thought I was sharing that I had thought about it, and had found some potential mitigations I would like to discuss. 
 

She took it completely opposite. She took it as a giant escalation of ‘I don’t want to get tasks today’ to a big stressor that I want to make big changes about, and kicked off her anxiety about strangers looking after our son. 

 

It sounds like there's a significant communication issue and disconnect here. Each of you seems to not be understanding the other person's point of view. Might be worth hashing this out through MC?

[BMI03]

1 hour ago, Els said:

Hm, that's strange. Have you two explored why exactly she is so against sending your son to daycare after school?
 

It sounds like there's a significant communication issue and disconnect here. Each of you seems to not be understanding the other person's point of view. Might be worth hashing this out through MC?

From my perspective, it seems to come from a lack of trust in anyone, including family. In my opinion she feels guilt for not being around our son as much as her mother was around her when raising her. That guilt manifests as anger and she goes to extremes to make her point. We still haven’t talked all day.

[Acacia98]

4 hours ago, BMI03 said:

I don’t think I explained it very well. I was flustered. 
(...)

So my initial slip was asking her not to give me tasks on a day off that I was going to need to spend on work. 

My bigger slip after upsetting her was upsetting her further by suggesting we pay for an after school program for our son for the remainder of the school year. 
 

I thought I was sharing insight into having thought about why I jumped to ask her not to give me tasks….work stress, and concern over all I needed to get done. I thought I was sharing that I had thought about it, and had found some potential mitigations I would like to discuss. 
 

She took it completely opposite. She took it as a giant escalation of ‘I don’t want to get tasks today’ to a big stressor that I want to make big changes about, and kicked off her anxiety about strangers looking after our son. 
 

We celebrated Mother’s Day the day prior since she worked all day Sunday. I would however normally bring her a coffee and/or dinner to work under normal circumstances, but yesterday she said ‘no’ to my offer.

I think your first post explains things well. So assuming you didn't go back and edit it after folks responded, I think you got the message across on your first try.

And I honestly don't see anything wrong with what you said (although you clearly don't agree: you use the word "slip" twice). It sounds like you're trying to balance things in a difficult situation, and it's getting harder. Talking about it is the right thing to do.

Maybe she's reacting in a seemingly extreme fashion because she's feeling guilty. Maybe she's struggling academically and having doubts about the program... I don't know. I hope you ultimately get to the point where you can talk honestly with each other. But I don't think you have something to be apologetic about (please correct me if I'm wrong, folks).

Edited May 13 by Acacia98

[BMI03]

3 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I think your first post explains things well. So assuming you didn't go back and edit it after folks responded, I think you got the message across on your first try.

And I honestly don't see anything wrong with what you said (although you clearly don't agree: you use the word "slip" twice). It sounds like you're trying to balance things in a difficult situation, and it's getting harder. Talking about it is the right thing to do.

Maybe she's reacting in a seemingly extreme fashion because she's feeling guilty. Maybe she's struggling academically and having doubts about the program... I don't know. I hope you ultimately get to the point where you can talk honestly with each other. But I don't think you have something to be apologetic about (please correct me if I'm wrong, folks).

I appreciate the perspective. No, I didn’t go back and edit it. I just assumed based on the other poster’s questions I may have fumbled the story however since they took away some inaccuracies I thought that was on me….not feeling like the best communicator at the moment. 
 

she is certainly stressed on the academics. That’s for sure. 
 

I said ‘slip’ because I can see how my comment was reactionary…almost ptsd like in that sometimes she thinks up things for me to do, not because they are necessary that day, but because she feels I can use the time to get things done, when right now I am just too swamped. ‘Slip’ because I should know better than to set her off…I don’t say ‘no’ enough, and so my comment made her feel like she relies on me too much, and when she’s mad at herself, I feel at least, she manages that by discoursing that anger outward at others vs. inward. So I should have known better as I am typically a man who just seeks peace. I don’t like living in turbulent times. 

[Acacia98]

12 hours ago, BMI03 said:

I appreciate the perspective. No, I didn’t go back and edit it. I just assumed based on the other poster’s questions I may have fumbled the story however since they took away some inaccuracies I thought that was on me….not feeling like the best communicator at the moment. 
 

she is certainly stressed on the academics. That’s for sure. 
 

I said ‘slip’ because I can see how my comment was reactionary…almost ptsd like in that sometimes she thinks up things for me to do, not because they are necessary that day, but because she feels I can use the time to get things done, when right now I am just too swamped. ‘Slip’ because I should know better than to set her off…I don’t say ‘no’ enough, and so my comment made her feel like she relies on me too much, and when she’s mad at herself, I feel at least, she manages that by discoursing that anger outward at others vs. inward. So I should have known better as I am typically a man who just seeks peace. I don’t like living in turbulent times. 

I hear you OP. When you made that 'slip' you reminded me of myself when I'm feeling overwhelmed and everyone around me seems to think Im doing just fine and it's okay to toss more responsibilities my way. That's exactly the sort of thing I might think or say. 

I haven't read your other thread, so I don't know what your relationship dynamic usually is. But within the context of this specific set of events, it sounds like your wife is being unreasonable and self-centered. I would suggest that you continue advocating for yourself because the current situation is not sustainable. It's probably best to have the conversation in person. And if she persists in ignoring you, write down whatever it is you need to say in a letter.

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

But within the context of this specific set of events, it sounds like your wife is being unreasonable and self-centered.

That is a similar context in the previous threads. There is the feeling of - “it’s my way or the highway…” from BMI’s wife related to lots of family decisions and situations… She is very controlling and doesn’t appreciate it when she is challenged. BMI is often trying to reason with someone who is unreasonable, which usually brings him to the site to “vent.” Vent away - but there is a certain dynamic in this relationship that seems to play out time and time again…

Edited May 14 by BaileyB

[justwhoiam]

I think she got upset because it felt like you did a 180, and women never like it when a man goes back on his word. You committed to looking after your son while she’s studying and working outside the home. She doesn’t have the luxury to stay at home, but you do. I think you need to talk about all this when your child isn’t around. Can you hire a babysitter or ask a trusted relative, like his grandmother? Then, you two can go out for dinner, maybe on Saturday night. Pick a quiet, cozy, romantic place, and tell her something like this, very calmly:

First of all, I am very proud of your achievements and all the effort you’ve been putting in to support our family. I wanted us to have this night together to celebrate how we’re both overcoming any hassles that come our way. At the same time, I hope you understand that I’m juggling a lot and I probably underestimated the demands of work.

I’ve been thinking about it, and I believe I miscalculated the workload. I’m worried that if I’m not giving 100% at work, they might lay me off. I haven’t talked about this before because you already have enough on your plate and I didn’t want to add to your worries. But for both our peace of mind, it’s better to be safe than sorry.

I thought about suggesting an afternoon program for our son, as that could help balance things. Trust me, it took a lot for me to bring this up because I never want to let you down. I don’t want you to think I’ve done a 180. I still want to take care of our son, but if my job is at risk, I can’t let that happen. I feel a strong responsibility to support our family and my daughter.

I’m open to any solutions you might think of, and we can find one together. But my preference is for a solution that won’t negatively affect your studies and work. I don’t want to turn tonight into an argument. I’d love for us to enjoy tonight, as we need some time to ourselves as a couple. But it would be great to tackle this difficult topic in between enjoying our date.

Don't mess it up further!