Webster123 Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 (Oops. I posted this in another section incorrectly so I've moved it over here) If someone knows the answer or has any advise I really need some... I have been having an affair with a married woman (actually a neighbor two doors down from my house) for over a year and a half now. At the start I was married though it was unstable to begin with, and once I was involved with the OW (the OW initiated the affair at the beginning. Actually the first night I meet her) I ended my marriage and continued the affair. I have never pressed the OW with the fact that I left my wife. That was my decision alone and ultimately the best for many reasons. But here is the kicker. The husband knows all about my relationship with his wife. Just after our affair started she was honest and told him that she was involved with me. At this point their marriage should have had a huge negiative impact but no..... For the last year and more I see her regularly (twice, three times a week, though only once or twice over night). The husband knows she is going out with me but never says much to her or tries to stop her with any real conviction. I have taken her kids with mine to outings (picnics, swimming, etc). My kids and her kids go to the same school, the same birthday parties. Heck, half the neighborhood knows that we are seeing each other and certain members of her family (sisters). The problem is they still continue to have a "family" relation. They do things with their kids, go to family functions, go away for Xmas to family, etc. I feel like the guy out in the cold looking through the window wanting to do these things with her but unable. She tells me they have not had sex together since she first started to be involved with me and they hardly communicate but they still sleep in the same bed. I want to believe it (can a person actually go without sex for over a year???)but I really don't know. IWe have had many decisions about her leaving her husband but in the end she always says that she is confused, undecided. Doesn't want to hurt the kids or her parents and family. I keep telling myself things will change. The husband or her will say they have had enough and end their marriage. She will then leave her husband and we'll go to that next level that I want so badly. But it never does. She is getting cake and eating it too. I guess my question is if you put this under a category where would it fall since its not a secret affair and everyone knows. Is it even an affair? And second, why does the husband stand for this. Does he love her at much or what is she actually telling him. Is he just hanging on to save his family? How can a spouse sit by and watch this happen. Finally, part of me wants to confront him and ask him why he tolerates all this. I don't know if I should or not. I have tried to end the relationship many times (I know the true victim in all this is the husband and their kids. I fully realize that) but she tells me she loves me; I am the only one that understands her. She cannot see herself with her husband in the future, etc but she never truly commits. Once again, she is away with her "family" over Xmas and New Year's and I sitting home alone frustrated and confused. What a convoluted mess. So...if anyone has any advise it would be appreciated
whichwayisup Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 I wrote to you in the other section, but I've copied my reply here for you too. I suggest you go read some posts in the OW/OM this section. I hate to say this, but you're in the same boat as many OW right now. Jadestar is right. Things won't change, ever, so if you don't mind being in this situation then accept it for what it is...But if you want more and hope to marry her someday, you're fooling yourself. Sorry to sound harsh, I'm sure this is hard for you. You need to take some time for you and figure out what you want out of this relationship with her. What are you getting out of it? Honestly I think it will be doing alot more harm to you in the long run. She is having her cake and eating too, why would she want to change that? She has the security of home life, her husband still part of her life with their kids, a safe comfy environment and then she gets to go and have fun on the side with you. OK, I'm sure she has genuine feelings for you, don't doubt that, it's just from what you've said it's like roll reversal! (Go read in the other section, you'll see what I'm talking about.) I think you deserve a woman who will love just you. Put you first, make you a part of her daily life. Do you want to be second and put on the backburner all the time? My guess is no. Good luck and keep posting.
scarletletter Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 That is such a strange situation. I don't know what is wrong with that husband of hers unless he just has really low self esteem and doesn't think that he deserves better. I am speaking to you as the OW in my relationship. In my opinion, many people do not leave their familiar lives because it is just too much of a hassle to do so. Why should she when she's getting everything that she wants right now and no one is complaining? I would be very frustrated if I were you and maybe talk her into making a choice. It is just strange. I don't knokw of too many people that would put up with knowing your spouse is having sex with someone else. Very difficult since you live in the same neighborhood also. I wouldn't play any games with her (like try to make her jealous, etc.) I would just tell her that it bothers you and that would she please decide what she wants. Obviously, this cannot go on forever.
Sami_D Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Couple of quick responses... yes, someone can go for a year and more with no sex. But how much does the husband care? What sort of person is he? Did you say how long they've been married? Does he know the full story about you and her..? But aside from all that... ignoring how 'oddly' everyone else is behaving... do you want her for yourself? to be in a one-to-one relationship with her..? And what is stopping her from doing that? and can you accept what she's saying? Try not to wonder about everyone else's reactions (who cares..?). Ask yourself if you're getting what you want, or may get what you want, from her... she's curiously absent from this whole story... what does she say she wants..? Best of luck.
lilmoma1973 Posted December 31, 2005 Posted December 31, 2005 All i can say is she is wanting her cake and eating it too!! She is getting what she needs from you and still having her marriage..You left your's and still she is with her's ..Did you think she would leave her h and kids for you? Guess you aren't what she wants and she knows she can have you when ever!! I would go on with your life and find someone that you can be with all the time!! Do you want to continue to share her with her h ? I can bet they are still sleeping together, she is still getting something from her h,or she would be gone and with you!! You can stay with her if you want to share her ,but i don't think she will ever leave him!!! Just Mo
cherrie498 Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 Webster, I have been in a very similar situation for three years, the W found out the A after the 1st year & has tolerated the situation. Our A has many ups & downs due to the emotional attachement that has become the foundation of our A/R. I have recently decided to end the A once again, b/c the holidays bring out the reality of the situation, you are the OTHER man, OTHER- making you 2nd in her life! So as we question why the H &/or W tolerates it we really need to look at ourselves & wonder why we tolerate being 2nd. I am tired of wanting & being 2nd. as why they dont leave their S, I dont know. When did it become more acceptable to stray from your marriage than to divorce? I look at the situation & have realized that when me & my MM end it nothing in his life changes, does it or would it in hers. Except the hurt feelings, nothing changes. the WS still lives in their "secure" enviroment, They have their WIFE &/or HUSBAND that has patiently sat there through it all, their house, their kids, their life is still intact, MINUS the one the have considered their "love of their life", "thier soul mate" , "the one that understands".......THEIR OTHER/2nd. Yet their 2nd did not make them miss a beat in the REAL LIFE!!!! If they left their 1st, everything would change- house, kids, fam event, $, everything would change. For so many this fear of change is enough to make them stay where they are at, with NO reguards to the W/H/OW/OM/C they are "safe" YOU have to pick out what you want, if you can be 2nd then stay & I wish you the best of luck- its one hell of an emotional rollercoaster! Otherwise you need to go ahead & face the changes that it will make it your life & move forward! Its a horrible place to be to feel love for someone & them confess the same & the WILLING get up & go back to their reality. My advice to you is to seperate yourself from the situation & see what is BEST for YOU. GOOD LUCK! Cherrie
EMJ Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 Dude, wake up. She likes things the way they are. She doesn't see any reason to disprupt her children's lives. Her husband does not care about this outside situation. I'm sure they are having ocassional sex, proximity being what it is. But even if they aren't having it, sex is not everything in a marriage. You can't really do anything to change it. She likes sex, just sex and the affection that goes with it, with you. She likes her family life and all the things that go with it with her husband. Nothing wrong with that, in fact it's probably best for the kids. Happy parents are usually good parents. A poor sex life is not a good reason to destroy a family, and neither is a good sex life, wherever it comes from. If you push the issue, you will likely lose completely. There are many men out there who would be happy with your situation. She can find one pretty fast if she wants to look. This woman is not going to destroy her family life to be you, no matter how hot the sex. The only confusion you seem to have is in understanding and accepting the situation. If you want to settle down, find yourself a woman who also wants the same. It's the only way you can win. 1
Arbitrator Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 Of course she is still having sex with her husband. How can you think for a minute that she isn't??
alfagrl Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 not really....When I had my A I did not sleep with my bf because my heart was truly with one man.. the OM.
cherrie498 Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 I think its more about figuring out if you want to be in a relationship that puts you 2nd more than the details of her marriage with her H. Her being M & living another life outside of yours & the one that the 2 of you share should be enough.... Good Luck
whichwayisup Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Only her and her husband know the truth on what happens behind closed doors and in bed. That is the least of this guys problems right now.
brashgal Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 For all you know the husband could be having sex with someone else as well.
whichwayisup Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Yup. I was just thinking that too, maybe that's why he's not too upset about his wife cheating. Who knows, maybe it has turned into an open marriage. But, I'm sure that isn't what Webster wants, just to be on the side. I think he wants more than that.
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