Webster123 Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 If someone knows the answer or has any advice I really need some... I have been having an affair with a married woman (actually a neighbor two doors down from my house) for over a year and a half now. At the start I was married though it was unstable to begin with, and once I was involved with the OW (the OW initiated the affair at the beginning. Actually the first night I meet her) I ended my marriage and continued the affair. I have never pressed the OW with the fact that I left my wife. That was my decision alone and ultimately the best for many reasons. I have recently moved out of that house but still only live a couple of minutes away from the OW But here is the kicker. The husband knows all about my relationship with his wife. Just after our affair started she was honest and told him that she was involved with me. At this point their marriage should have had a huge negiative impact but no..... For the last year and more I see her regularly (twice, three times a week, though only once or twice over night). The husband knows she is going out with me but never says much to her or tries to stop her with any real conviction. The neighborhood knows that we are seeing each other and certain members of her family (sisters). The problem is they still continue to have a "family" relation. They do things with their kids, go to family functions, go away for Xmas to family, etc. I feel like the guy out in the cold looking through the window wanting to do these things with her but unable. She tells me they have not had sex together since she first started to be involved with me and they hardly communicate but they still sleep in the same bed. I want to believe it (can a person actually go without sex for over a year???)but I really don't know. We have had many discussions about her leaving her husband but in the end she always says that she is confused, undecided. Doesn't want to hurt the kids or her parents and family. I keep telling myself things will change. The husband or her will say they have had enough and end their marriage. She will then leave her husband and we'll go to that next level that I want so badly. But it never does. I guess my question is if you put this under a category where would it fall since its not a secret affair and everyone knows. Is it even an affair? And second, why does the husband stand for this. Does he love her at much or what is she actually telling him. Is he just hanging on to save his family? How can a spouse sit by and watch this happen without reacting. I have tried to end the relationship many times (I know the true victim in all this is the husband and their kids. I fully realize that) but she tells me she loves me; I am the only one that understands her. She cannot see herself with her husband in the future, etc but she never truly commits. Once again, she is away with her "family" over Xmas and New Year's and I sitting home alone frustrated and confused. What a convoluted mess. So...if anyone has any advice it would be appreciated
JadeStar Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 There may be several reasons for why he puts up with this. Either, he simply doesn't care, he has someone one the side as well, so feels he can't say alot because that would be calling the kettle black, they have an open marraige and mutual agreement on the matter, he gets some kind of sexual gratification from the fact he knows you all are together, or just enjoys being her doormat. They will probably not leave each other. She has the stabilty of a home, kids with this man, can still spend time together, vacations, outings etc, and then you on the side. I would imagine she is confused. Possible she stays because shes dependent on him or he is her. I wouldn't think you would want to continue to play second fiddle to her husband, because as long as they are still together and doing family things etc, you will play second fiddle. Until she or he ends their marriage, you will never really have her completley. Just my 2 cents. Jade
whichwayisup Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 I suggest you go read some posts in the OW/OM section. I hate to say this, but you're in the same boat as many OW right now. Jadestar is right. Things won't change, ever, so if you don't mind being in this situation then accept it for what it is...But if you want more and hope to marry her someday, you're fooling yourself. Sorry to sound harsh, I'm sure this is hard for you. You need to take some time for you and figure out what you want out of this relationship with her. Honestly I think it will be doing alot more harm to you. She is having her cake and eating too, why would she want to change that? She has the security of home life, her husband still part of her life with their kids, a safe comfy environment and then she gets to go and have fun on the side with you. OK, I'm sure she has genuine feelings for you, don't doubt that, it's just from what you've said it's like roll reversal! (Go read in the other section, you'll see what I'm talking about.) Good luck and keep posting.
Kenyth Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Sorry bud, but that's what happens when you play with fire. You get burned! On top of all that, you're the bad guy to boot! Eviable position, yes? Since you're apparently tired of the casual sex relationship, ditch this lost cause and find an available woman who can love you and commit to you. Hopefully, you've learned your lesson.
Bryanp Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. Her actions speak volumes. She sees you as a sex toy and a nice lover on the side. She sleeps with her husband and maintains a nice family. She disrespects her husband and disrespects you. How blind can you be? Is she really the only person you could ever be with? You are wasting your time and being made a fool of in the process.
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