theanxiousone Posted May 5, 2024 Posted May 5, 2024 I (F27) was approached by a guy (M30) in instagram dm's. He had seen from my posts that I go to the same fair as him which takes place twice a year in our city, and we ended up meeting up there and having a short chat before he went back to his friends. About two days later we were texting all day and eventually he said it'd be fun to see me again and I agreed, but he did not ask me when i'm free or anything, instead he just stopped texting me after saying we'll have to plan a day when to meet. I was very confused about what that meant, and if it meant he was expecting me to just tell him when i'm free instead of asking? We both had a day off work that week too, and he'd asked me what I would do then and told me he doesnt have any plans, but then he didnt say anything else about it or text me that day even. By the end of the week out of curiousty I asked him if he's free that next day because I was going to take the bus into the city so we could go out for coffee then, he responded quickly and said that that would be nice. So the next day we met up and had coffee, he payed for our coffees without even asking first, so that made it seem like a date? We got to know each other better and it was nice, we went for a walk and talked about stuff. He showed me his favorite places to walk in the city and stuff like that, and the date overall went a lot better when we were out walking instead of sitting opposite each other having coffee. In the coffee shop things felt more stiff, I was super nervous and didnt know where to look most of the time and he most likely noticed this. He said that he'd like to visit a store we both like the next weekend and asked me if i'd like to go with him to which I said sure, and he then said I can text him if i'm going there and we'll meet up. He said he's free pretty much every weekend if I wanna do something, and then said I can just text him when i'm around. So again he made it my responsibility if we're going to meet or not, encouraging me to text him first about it. He didnt flirt or give me any compliments. I have aspergers (which I have also written in my instagram bio) so it kind of makes me wonder if he does as well, especially since he didnt ask anything about my having it, but I have no idea. After the date he did not text me, but eventually I texted him to tell him i'd had a nice time to which he said he'd had a very nice time. He also later that evening commented on a selfie i'd uploaded and gave me a compliment, but he didnt say anything after that. I am now feeling very confused because I dont know if this means he's interested romantically or as a friend? I'd like to know him better as a person but I do not want to be pushy and come off as desperate, but I really like him so far and want to keep dating. He never texts me first, and he has his active status on instagram turned off all the time, even though he responds quickly if I text him. He asks me questions and shows interest in what I tell him when we talk. He has zero social media posts and strikes me as pretty introverted. If I meet someone that I like I want to talk to that person often so I can get to know them better and see how well we click, so its a bit frustrating that its like this. I cant tell if he's just very shy and bad at taking intiatives, or if he's not interested and just being nice to me when I talk to him? Is it a good idea to keep texting him or should I stop reaching out so i'm not seeming clingy and making him uncomfortable? I really would like to stay in touch and get to know him better and show that i'm interested (ive been accused by guys many times of coming off as cold and disinterested myself) in case he is at all, but at the same time it makes me feel unsure of whether it's a good idea because maybe i'll come off as clingy instead then.
Sony12 Posted May 5, 2024 Posted May 5, 2024 Do you know if he has Asperger's or not? That does affect people's socializing abilities so normal dating behaviors can be thrown out the window if he does have it. Normally I would say there isn't much chemistry there but if Asperger's is involved it definitely could be affecting things.
Author theanxiousone Posted May 5, 2024 Author Posted May 5, 2024 19 minutes ago, Sony12 said: Do you know if he has Asperger's or not? That does affect people's socializing abilities so normal dating behaviors can be thrown out the window if he does have it. Normally I would say there isn't much chemistry there but if Asperger's is involved it definitely could be affecting things. I have no idea. I have it and clearly he knows I do since i'm open with it on my instagram, but he hasnt asked anything about it. Since he strikes me as introverted and kind of shy, and based on some of the things he said, i'm wondering if he might have it as well but I didnt bring up the topic of aspergers because some people aren't comfortable talking openly about it until they know you better. He also knew I have it when he first reached out to me then, and it must not be a big deal to him since he has no questions about it. Is it a good idea to stay in touch or should I not text him? This is what I find confusing since I cannot read him at all.
Sony12 Posted May 5, 2024 Posted May 5, 2024 30 minutes ago, theanxiousone said: I have no idea. I have it and clearly he knows I do since i'm open with it on my instagram, but he hasnt asked anything about it. Since he strikes me as introverted and kind of shy, and based on some of the things he said, i'm wondering if he might have it as well but I didnt bring up the topic of aspergers because some people aren't comfortable talking openly about it until they know you better. He also knew I have it when he first reached out to me then, and it must not be a big deal to him since he has no questions about it. Is it a good idea to stay in touch or should I not text him? This is what I find confusing since I cannot read him at all. As long as he continues to reply and bring up times to potentially meet yes go ahead and stay in touch. Nothing wrong with continuing to communicate if both people still seem interested in doing so.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 5, 2024 Posted May 5, 2024 2 hours ago, theanxiousone said: He said he's free pretty much every weekend if I wanna do something, and then said I can just text him when i'm around So go ahead and do so. He might be the type that needs a little nudge to signal that you are interested. He seems hesitant to actually ask you out, but I don't get the impression he's trying to play games. He may just genuinely be a little shy about this stuff. See what he's up to this weekend. Tell him you would like to meet, and take it from there. 2
Wiseman2 Posted May 5, 2024 Posted May 5, 2024 4 hours ago, theanxiousone said: we ended up meeting up there and having a short chat before he went back to his friends. About two days later we were texting all day and eventually he said it'd be fun to see me again and I agreed, but he did not ask me when i'm free or anything, instead he just stopped texting me Sorry this is happening. Was this meetup a date or more like running into each other? Unfortunately you're not exclusive or dating so he may be seeing others. It's okay to hint that you'd like to see him again but please pay attention to the fact that he's not initiating anything. Try not to be disappointed. He doesn't seem that shy or introverted if he's the type of guy who slides into DMs. Perhaps step back and reflect if it's worth pursuing someone who seems to be frustrating to connect with.
stillafool Posted May 5, 2024 Posted May 5, 2024 He seems interested because he talked about future plans, if you contact him when you're going to be around. So contact him and tell him you'll be around on ___________, is he available to meet and if so, what time.
Author theanxiousone Posted May 5, 2024 Author Posted May 5, 2024 (edited) 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. Was this meetup a date or more like running into each other? Unfortunately you're not exclusive or dating so he may be seeing others. It's okay to hint that you'd like to see him again but please pay attention to the fact that he's not initiating anything. Try not to be disappointed. He doesn't seem that shy or introverted if he's the type of guy who slides into DMs. Perhaps step back and reflect if it's worth pursuing someone who seems to be frustrating to connect with. No it wasnt a date. It was more like I was going there and so was he, so we decided to say hello to each other and we did in bypass because he was with friends. Later though he parted from his friends to come talk to me for a bit, and a day later he told me in text that he would like to see me again but did not ask me when i'm free or anything, he just said we'll have to plan something then but sort of left it up to me to do so. That second meetup when we went for coffee seems to have been a date though, since he paid for the coffees and guys usually only do that if they are courting you. He then during that date kept saying stuff like "if you ever come to visit me when can go do this"... like suggesting things we can do. He also said he wanted to go that store we like with me (which is a store that sells things related to our mutual hobby) on the weekend but he said I should text him if I decide to go into the city because then we'll do that. So he suggests things, but doesnt plan them so to speak. He suggests we do something - but then he tells me to text him when i'm up for it, but him adding that he's rarely busy sort of tells me he's encouraging me to text him about it, but i'm not sure. About him dating others, well that is possible. I've never seen him on any dating app (small city, you recognize peoples faces lol) but that's not the only way to meet people clearly. He does seem shy to me because as a woman with aspergers i've met my fair share of men with the diagnosis, as well as just shy introverts, and the behaviour is very similar and he didn't strike me as super confident or outgoing on the date. He had a bit of an awkwardness to him as well as the sort of stiffness us shy people usually have. Edited May 5, 2024 by theanxiousone
Author theanxiousone Posted May 5, 2024 Author Posted May 5, 2024 16 minutes ago, stillafool said: He seems interested because he talked about future plans, if you contact him when you're going to be around. So contact him and tell him you'll be around on ___________, is he available to meet and if so, what time. I guess that makes sense. I just felt confused since he brings up stuff he'd like to do, and then tells me to contact him when i'm free. In my experience the guy usually suggests a day right away or asks when i'm free if I say that it sounds like a good idea. I think i'm going to tell him i'm free on Saturday though and see what he says.
stillafool Posted May 5, 2024 Posted May 5, 2024 16 minutes ago, theanxiousone said: In my experience the guy usually suggests a day right away or asks when i'm free if I say that it sounds like a good idea. Guys are chasing less and less and expect the woman to also reach out and make plans. It's a new day.
Author theanxiousone Posted May 6, 2024 Author Posted May 6, 2024 18 hours ago, stillafool said: Guys are chasing less and less and expect the woman to also reach out and make plans. It's a new day. That might be true. I dont really mind being the one to make plans but we didnt meet on a dating app so its a different situation for me, i'm an introvert so I cant say i've ever gone out with a guy I met 'naturally' before. On dating apps you know right away that someone is interested in dating so it feels less scary to ask someone out, at least thats how I feel.
Alpacalia Posted May 6, 2024 Posted May 6, 2024 You can certainly continue to text him and show interest in getting to know him better. Seems though he continues to avoid initiating plans or following up as promised. He also treats you to coffee, so it may be circumstantial, but yet you have established some form of connection. While you have a hard time reading him and taking the first step to say hi, you can not push for things at the same time as he obviously has trouble with doing so. Sounds like he is very slow about making moves, so either you have to be patient or give up.
smackie9 Posted May 7, 2024 Posted May 7, 2024 Just suggest doing something together...just say "Hey if you are up to it there's a_______ this week. Want to hang out?" 1
ZA Dater Posted May 8, 2024 Posted May 8, 2024 I'd keep communicating with him and as difficult as this, try not to overthink the situation too much and go with the moment. He clearly has some interest hence the meet up and the communication and its possible he is just bad at communicating interest. If I were you, I'd see a lot of positive in the interaction so far.
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