My Emotional Affair

[AnnieC]

Bit of back story:
I found love online when I was 15 years old. I live in Canada and he in England. I'll call him F. We end up meeting in person that year and he would come spend a lot of time over in Canada with me. We were together for about 3 years. He ended it with me because the distance was a lot, it was expensive and we were both broke college students by that point. It devastated both of us but it just wasn't viable at the time. We kept in touch here and there over the years.


When I was about 24 years old, I moved to England for a couple years on a work visa (I wasn't motivated to go for him, I had just always loved the country). We did end up meeting up for dates etc. several months after I moved over but kept it casual. My visa ended and I went back home.
He ended up married and we ended up cutting contact at that point.


This was about 13 years ago. In that time, I was in other relationships, ended up getting married and having a baby. Life went on. I still thought of him here and there with fondness and affection and hoped he was well.


About 2 years back, I started thinking of him a lot and wanted to reach out to him. Not for any other reason than curiosity and to know that he was doing alright. But he had no social media presence and by then I had long lost any emails or phone numbers, addresses etc I had for him.
My marriage had been bad for a long time. About 7 years of chaos. My husband was an addict, did not look after his mental health, had an emotional entanglement for 2 years with a female friend, would not work, would not help around the house or with our son, was reckless, committed crimes, stole, lied and sexually assaulted me for a number of years. So, I know it still doesn't make it okay that I was looking to reach out to an ex (again, I had no ulterior motive. I assumed he was still married or in a relationship) but it just maybe gives some context as to why I would even be interested in reconnecting with someone from my past. He always treated me like gold so I think there was an element of nostalgia and safety there.


I ended up making a LinkedIn page hoping I could find him that way. No luck. About a month in I kept getting email updates from the site so I logged in to deactivate the account and saw that the previous night, he had sent me a follow request. I was in shock.
By this point in my marriage, I had all but stopped speaking to my husband. I took off my wedding ring, I was consulting divorce lawyers. I had fallen out of love with him about 5 years prior and was only staying because, at the time, I believed I was doing better for my son to keep the family together.


Me and F started talking. And we didn't stop. We caught up on the past 12 or so years. His marriage was also not in a good place and they had been discussing divorce for a number of years. His wife had had an accident and ended up getting PTSD or something from it but she became very violent towards him and her mother for a couple years and it damaged the marriage. He said she had, by the end of 2 years or so, returned to almost her former self but I think that time was very traumatic for both of them.
F and I ended up falling for each other again. I know it's horrible. It happened really fast over a few weeks. We decided to cut contact and told each other we would check in in a few weeks and see how the other was doing with what was happening with us, with our marriages etc.
When we got back in contact, we had both separated from our partners within days of each other. I think because we were both already in that frame of mind before we even got in touch again, and then with us developing feelings, we both realized that was the final nail in the coffin of our respective marriages. I had never even looked at or talked to/flirted with another man in all my years married. But I was miserable in my marriage and I was desperately trying to make it work for so many years. It's like my heart just finally caught up with my body and my mind.


F's wife was very accepting of the separation. She's sad about it but is more concerned with the financial side. He is working extra hours to make sure she's looked after for the next long while and that's keeping her happy, for the most part. He sent me the screenshots of their texts and there's no indication to me that she was at all blindsided by the separation. My husband is not taking it well. But none of our friends or family are surprised by our split at all. They're shocked I've stayed as long as I have. Neither of our exes know we are in contact.


I'm still in touch with F and we have plans to meet up a few months from now. He wants me to spend some time with some of his friends and family when I visit. Almost all of them are very concerned and disapproving of what's going on between us. And I don't at all blame them. I've told some of my friends what's going on and because of what I've been through with my husband, they don't really see it the same way. They want me to be happy but they obviously have concerns and want me to take things slow so I don't get hurt again. I carry a lot of guilt about this whole situation. But then there's this selfishness in me wanting to not pass up this opportunity with F. And I know morally and ethically it's so awful. But it feels really right for me. And maybe karma will come bite me in the ass. And I'm seen as a homewrecker and an evil person by a lot of his friends and family, I think. Again, don't blame them for that. Maybe that's all I am.


I just don't really know what to do. I want to follow my heart on this one. But ethically, it's not really right. What should I do?

Edited May 5, 2024 by AnnieC

[AnnieC]

Bit of back story:
I found love online when I was 15 years old. I live in Canada and he in England. I'll call him F. We end up meeting in person that year and he would come spend a lot of time over in Canada with me. We were together for about 3 years. He ended it with me because the distance was a lot, it was expensive and we were both broke college students by that point. It devastated both of us but it just wasn't viable at the time. We kept in touch here and there over the years.


When I was about 24 years old, I moved to England for a couple years on a work visa (I wasn't motivated to go for him, I had just always loved the country). We did end up meeting up for dates etc. several months after I moved over but kept it casual. My visa ended and I went back home.
He ended up married and we ended up cutting contact at that point.


This was about 13 years ago. In that time, I was in other relationships, ended up getting married and having a baby. Life went on. I still thought of him here and there with fondness and affection and hoped he was well.


About 2 years back, I started thinking of him a lot and wanted to reach out to him. Not for any other reason than curiosity and to know that he was doing alright. But he had no social media presence and by then I had long lost any emails or phone numbers, addresses etc I had for him.
My marriage had been bad for a long time. About 7 years of chaos. My husband was an addict, did not look after his mental health, had an emotional entanglement for 2 years with a female friend, would not work, would not help around the house or with our son, was reckless, committed crimes, stole, lied and sexually assaulted me for a number of years. So, I know it still doesn't make it okay that I was looking to reach out to an ex (again, I had no ulterior motive. I assumed he was still married or in a relationship) but it just maybe gives some context as to why I would even be interested in reconnecting with someone from my past. He always treated me like gold so I think there was an element of nostalgia and safety there.


I ended up making a LinkedIn page hoping I could find him that way. No luck. About a month in I kept getting email updates from the site so I logged in to deactivate the account and saw that the previous night, he had sent me a follow request. I was in shock.
By this point in my marriage, I had all but stopped speaking to my husband. I took off my wedding ring, I was consulting divorce lawyers. I had fallen out of love with him about 5 years prior and was only staying because, at the time, I believed I was doing better for my son to keep the family together.


Me and F started talking. And we didn't stop. We caught up on the past 12 or so years. His marriage was also not in a good place and they had been discussing divorce for a number of years. His wife had had an accident and ended up getting PTSD or something from it but she became very violent towards him and her mother for a couple years and it damaged the marriage. He said she had, by the end of 2 years or so, returned to almost her former self but I think that time was very traumatic for both of them.
F and I ended up falling for each other again. I know it's horrible. It happened really fast over a few weeks. We decided to cut contact and told each other we would check in in a few weeks and see how the other was doing with what was happening with us, with our marriages etc.
When we got back in contact, we had both separated from our partners within days of each other. I think because we were both already in that frame of mind before we even got in touch again, and then with us developing feelings, we both realized that was the final nail in the coffin of our respective marriages. I had never even looked at or talked to/flirted with another man in all my years married. But I was miserable in my marriage and I was desperately trying to make it work for so many years. It's like my heart just finally caught up with my body and my mind.


F's wife was very accepting of the separation. She's sad about it but is more concerned with the financial side. He is working extra hours to make sure she's looked after for the next long while and that's keeping her happy, for the most part. He sent me the screenshots of their texts and there's no indication to me that she was at all blindsided by the separation. My husband is not taking it well. But none of our friends or family are surprised by our split at all. They're shocked I've stayed as long as I have. Neither of our exes know we are in contact.


I'm still in touch with F and we have plans to meet up a few months from now. He wants me to spend some time with some of his friends and family when I visit. Almost all of them are very concerned and disapproving of what's going on between us. And I don't at all blame them. I've told some of my friends what's going on and because of what I've been through with my husband, they don't really see it the same way. They want me to be happy but they obviously have concerns and want me to take things slow so I don't get hurt again. I carry a lot of guilt about this whole situation. But then there's this selfishness in me wanting to not pass up this opportunity with F. And I know morally and ethically it's so awful. But it feels really right for me. And maybe karma will come bite me in the ass. And I'm seen as a homewrecker and an evil person by a lot of his friends and family, I think. Again, don't blame them for that. Maybe that's all I am.


I just don't really know what to do. I want to follow my heart on this one. But ethically, it's not really right. What should I do?

[AnnieC]

Bit of back story:
I found love online when I was 15 years old. I live in Canada and he in England. I'll call him F. We end up meeting in person that year and he would come spend a lot of time over in Canada with me. We were together for about 3 years. He ended it with me because the distance was a lot, it was expensive and we were both broke college students by that point. It devastated both of us but it just wasn't viable at the time. We kept in touch here and there over the years.


When I was about 24 years old, I moved to England for a couple years on a work visa (I wasn't motivated to go for him, I had just always loved the country). We did end up meeting up for dates etc. several months after I moved over but kept it casual. My visa ended and I went back home.
He ended up married and we ended up cutting contact at that point.


This was about 13 years ago. In that time, I was in other relationships, ended up getting married and having a baby. Life went on. I still thought of him here and there with fondness and affection and hoped he was well.


About 2 years back, I started thinking of him a lot and wanted to reach out to him. Not for any other reason than curiosity and to know that he was doing alright. But he had no social media presence and by then I had long lost any emails or phone numbers, addresses etc I had for him.
My marriage had been bad for a long time. About 7 years of chaos. My husband was an addict, did not look after his mental health, had an emotional entanglement for 2 years with a female friend, would not work, would not help around the house or with our son, was reckless, committed crimes, stole, lied and sexually assaulted me for a number of years. So, I know it still doesn't make it okay that I was looking to reach out to an ex (again, I had no ulterior motive. I assumed he was still married or in a relationship) but it just maybe gives some context as to why I would even be interested in reconnecting with someone from my past. He always treated me like gold so I think there was an element of nostalgia and safety there.


I ended up making a LinkedIn page hoping I could find him that way. No luck. About a month in I kept getting email updates from the site so I logged in to deactivate the account and saw that the previous night, he had sent me a follow request. I was in shock.
By this point in my marriage, I had all but stopped speaking to my husband. I took off my wedding ring, I was consulting divorce lawyers. I had fallen out of love with him about 5 years prior and was only staying because, at the time, I believed I was doing better for my son to keep the family together.


Me and F started talking. And we didn't stop. We caught up on the past 12 or so years. His marriage was also not in a good place and they had been discussing divorce for a number of years. His wife had had an accident and ended up getting PTSD or something from it but she became very violent towards him and her mother for a couple years and it damaged the marriage. He said she had, by the end of 2 years or so, returned to almost her former self but I think that time was very traumatic for both of them.
F and I ended up falling for each other again. I know it's horrible. It happened really fast over a few weeks. We decided to cut contact and told each other we would check in in a few weeks and see how the other was doing with what was happening with us, with our marriages etc.
When we got back in contact, we had both separated from our partners within days of each other. I think because we were both already in that frame of mind before we even got in touch again, and then with us developing feelings, we both realized that was the final nail in the coffin of our respective marriages. I had never even looked at or talked to/flirted with another man in all my years married. But I was miserable in my marriage and I was desperately trying to make it work for so many years. It's like my heart just finally caught up with my body and my mind.


F's wife was very accepting of the separation. She's sad about it but is more concerned with the financial side. He is working extra hours to make sure she's looked after for the next long while and that's keeping her happy, for the most part. He sent me the screenshots of their texts and there's no indication to me that she was at all blindsided by the separation. My husband is not taking it well. But none of our friends or family are surprised by our split at all. They're shocked I've stayed as long as I have. Neither of our exes know we are in contact.


I'm still in touch with F and we have plans to meet up a few months from now. He wants me to spend some time with some of his friends and family when I visit. Almost all of them are very concerned and disapproving of what's going on between us. And I don't at all blame them. I've told some of my friends what's going on and because of what I've been through with my husband, they don't really see it the same way. They want me to be happy but they obviously have concerns and want me to take things slow so I don't get hurt again. I carry a lot of guilt about this whole situation. But then there's this selfishness in me wanting to not pass up this opportunity with F. And I know morally and ethically it's so awful. But it feels really right for me. And maybe karma will come bite me in the ass. And I'm seen as a homewrecker and an evil person by a lot of his friends and family, I think. Again, don't blame them for that. Maybe that's all I am.


I just don't really know what to do. I want to follow my heart on this one. But ethically, it's not really right. What should I do?

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, AnnieC said:

I just don't really know what to do. I want to follow my heart on this one. But ethically, it's not really right.

This sounds like a pretty typical exit affair. Sure, it would have been much better if you both would have made the decision to end your marriages prior to re-engaging with each other as it’s not exactly fair to your spouses to asses the state of your marriage when there is another person involved… but, you can’t go back now and change that. You’ve both made the decision to divorce and communicated that with your spouses - best for everyone to get on with the business of settling things and signing the papers. 

I don’t know that I would be as concerned about the “ethics” of this situation as I would be about assessing whether this man/relationship is a good choice for you. I hear a lot of “we were fated to be together but circumstances kept us apart…” in your post. I’m always worried when I hear this kind of story that you have built up a fantasy about this man that may not accurately represent the person he is, the kind of partner he would be, or the kind of relationship that you would have. Given the fact that you live in different countries and you have very separate lives with children, and spouses, and families/friends/jobs - it is a huge risk to try to bring this together. I do have a friend who was in a very similar circumstance and pursuing a relationship with her now partner took years to come together, a lot of sacrifice, and severed some close relationships (with his children). You have to REALLY want it and be realistic - it’s unlikely to be a fairytale ending…

My best advice is to end your marriage if it needs to end. Focus on that first - And then, “date” and get to know this man in real life. Try not to get ahead of yourself with the fantasy of it all - you have a history and a long standing friendship but a lot of years have passed… until you actually date the man and spend time together in real life, I would be cautious with my expectations and not jump into anything too quickly. 

Edited May 5, 2024 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, AnnieC said:

I found love online when I was 15 years old. I live in Canada and he in England. We end up meeting in person that year and he would come spend a lot of time over in Canada with me. We were together for about 3 years.

I would also be concerned that you “dated” this man from the age of 15-18. First, I’m not sure how a 15-18 year old could possibly date a man who lives in a different country, particularly as you say that you spent a lot of time together. I don’t know any teenagers who are actively pursuing a transcontinental relationship. But then, there is the fact that a whole lot of life has happened since… I am most definitely not the same person that I was at 18 years old. Not saying that it won’t work… again, I know people in similar circumstance who dated in high school for a short time and reconnected years later after the death of his spouse. She says now - we moved to quickly, I look back and think “what were we thinking.” Just be cautious…

Edited May 5, 2024 by BaileyB

[AnnieC]

21 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I would also be concerned that you “dated” this man from the age of 15-18. First, I’m not sure how a 15-18 year old could possibly date a man who lives in a different country, particularly as you say that you spent a lot of time together. I don’t know any teenagers who are actively pursuing a transcontinental relationship. But then, there is the fact that a whole lot of life has happened since… I am most definitely not the same person that I was at 18 years old. Not saying that it won’t work… again, I know people in similar circumstance who dated in high school for a short time and reconnected years later after the death of his spouse. She says now - we moved to quickly, I look back and think “what were we thinking.” Just be cautious…

Thank you so much for your response. It's given me a lot to consider.

[MsJayne]

I'd be concerned about why his family and friends are seeing you as a homewrecker, what have they been told? Obviously they need to be made aware that divorce was already on the table before you reappeared in his life, and he needs to make them aware of that before you visit. Not that it's really any of their business, (unless it's his children - it is their business to know the that the reason their parents marriage ended was festering resentment and not infidelity),  but it will make it easier for you to fit in if they're not an angry mob waiting for you with pitchforks and torches ablaze. Once that's sorted I'd go cautiously and not make any grand plans for the future until you're sure this is the right thing for you. Bonding over a mutual whinge about bad marriages is one thing, translating that to a future together is a whole different thing. But I wish you good luck, sometimes two people are meant for each other  . 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, MsJayne said:

I'd be concerned about why his family and friends are seeing you as a homewrecker, what have they been told?

I wondered the same thing. 

Something in his story isn't adding up.  He's told them something that isn't sitting well with everyone. It's true that they don't get a vote anyway, but I would be wary here, OP. I'm not sure  he's been very honest with them about his own role in this. If his estranged wife finds out (and she she will, if his friends and family know) expect things to get a lot harder. In other words, she won't view this separation the same way at all and that could well affect how he proceeds with you. 

Keep in mind the logistics here as well. You're still a continent apart, right? Do you now both have the means to meet more regularly, or will this be something that's only possible occasionally? Also, a lot of time has passed since you two actually dated. You might find that while the online, nostalgic fantasy feels good, it doesn't transition offline anymore. 

Be careful and be realistic in your expectations. This has the potential to be great, or completely awful. 

[stillafool]

Why do you have 4 threads going all saying the same thing?

[Gina1011]

My story is very similar although it has eventually turned sexual. U never see or notice it turning from emotional to physical but it does.