Long distance love bombing?

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Chlz said:

and I don't think he's even looked for work in the almost year we've been talking. 

Yeah, this is the part that bothers me, he hasn't even started looking.

[Alpacalia]

I would not be focusing on his not having at job, albeit,  it's an important thing and I understand why it would make you nervous.

However; the bigger issue I see here is how he's expressing his feelings for you and the way he's behaving is not calibrating with reality. This man doesn't even know you, has never met you and is already telling you he loves you and wants to make you his priority.

He actually needs to be making finding a job and getting back on his feet his top priority. 

[Chlz]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

I would not be focusing on his not having at job, albeit,  it's an important thing and I understand why it would make you nervous.

However; the bigger issue I see here is how he's expressing his feelings for you and the way he's behaving is not calibrating with reality. This man doesn't even know you, has never met you and is already telling you he loves you and wants to make you his priority.

He actually needs to be making finding a job and getting back on his feet his top priority. 

I think that's what makes me feel off. Like how are you trying to find a woman when you really need to focus on getting your life together first. I don't want to be his only priority. I'd rather a man have his priority be work and his own life and then incorporating a good woman into it. 

The not having a job right now isn't a huge issue, but the not even looking for a job while having parents pay for everything gives me a weird vibe. As a woman in my early 30s I couldn't fathom not having a job doing something. People lose their jobs and it sucks, but I couldn't bring myself to sit at home for years without even trying. He says he wants to get an online teaching certificate which is great....but he's never attempted to study for the certification. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Do you have video calls with him? 

[Alpacalia]

7 minutes ago, Chlz said:

I think that's what makes me feel off. Like how are you trying to find a woman when you really need to focus on getting your life together first. I don't want to be his only priority. I'd rather a man have his priority be work and his own life and then incorporating a good woman into it. 

The not having a job right now isn't a huge issue, but the not even looking for a job while having parents pay for everything gives me a weird vibe. As a woman in my early 30s I couldn't fathom not having a job doing something. People lose their jobs and it sucks, but I couldn't bring myself to sit at home for years without even trying. He says he wants to get an online teaching certificate which is great....but he's never attempted to study for the certification. 

That's totally fair. But say he had a job and was still telling you all those things? What would be your reaction? 

Because either way, that's really intense, for someone he's never met in person. He barely knows you and is already talking about how you're everything he needs. How does he know that? He can't possibly! And the tracking your time thing seems like a way to control or monitor you. That's a red flag in my book. 

[Chlz]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

That's totally fair. But say he had a job and was still telling you all those things? What would be your reaction? 

Because either way, that's really intense, for someone he's never met in person. He barely knows you and is already talking about how you're everything he needs. How does he know that? He can't possibly! And the tracking your time thing seems like a way to control or monitor you. That's a red flag in my book. 

Exactly. Yes, even if he had a job and everything the feelings he has are too intense for me. If we'd have met a few times and then he said that stuff then it would make more sense.

I made the mistake of telling him things that were wrong with my past relationships so that prompted him to tell me he'd never do this or that. Like he's the perfect man or something idk. 

[Chlz]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Do you have video calls with him? 

We haven't. He wanted to in the past but it was me that wasn't wanting to for whatever reason I can't remember. The times he is awake are times I'm usually wanting sleep and vice versa. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Chlz said:

I don't think he's even looked for work in the almost year we've been talking. 

And Covid was 3-4 years ago. 

I mean, he could be employed at Home Depot or the local grocery store and still contribute financially to the household - even while living with his parents. There is a huge labour shortage, there is nothing stopping him from getting a job - any job - if that was his plan. Instead, he is cleaning the house to earn his keep like a 12 year old…

[Chlz]

Just now, BaileyB said:

And Covid was 3-4 years ago. 

I mean, he could be employed at Home Depot or the local grocery store and still contribute financially to the household - even while living with his parents. There is a huge labour shortage, there is nothing stopping him from getting a job - any job - if that was his plan. Instead, he is cleaning the house to earn his keep like a 12 year old…

Exactly. Yeah I mean I wouldn't look down on him if he worked at a grocery store or whatever! At least you're doing something. He could get that job in just a few days if he tried.

So yeah. I'm glad I made this post cause it's really made me rethink things.  

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Chlz said:

We haven't. He wanted to in the past but it was me that wasn't wanting to for whatever reason I can't remember. The times he is awake are times I'm usually wanting sleep and vice versa. 

So, you have never actually seen who you are talking to? 

[Chlz]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So, you have never actually seen who you are talking to? 

Yeah pretty much. Just pictures on Facebook and ones we've shared to each other. 

[basil67]

9 hours ago, Chlz said:

He just made it seem like it's so rare for a woman to like him

You know this is a red flag right?   If it's so rare for women to like him, the question of 'what are they seeing which I'm missing?' must be asked.

[NuevoYorko]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

  If it's so rare for women to like him, the question of 'what are they seeing which I'm missing?' must be asked.

Maybe it's pertinent that we're talking about women who have actually met the guy.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Chlz said:

Yeah pretty much. Just pictures on Facebook and ones we've shared to each other. 

So, please understand that you have no real idea who is on the other side of the screen. The pictures you're seeing might be him, or they might pictures he's lifted from someone else's profile. 

In any event, it's time to stop all communication with him. This is a fantasy that has gone on way too long, and it's riddled with all kind of red flags. I hope you haven't shared anything too personal with this individual. 

[BaileyB]

16 hours ago, Chlz said:

Yeah pretty much. Just pictures on Facebook and ones we've shared to each other. 

I’m trying to understand why you have not at the very least had a video call - Facebook, zoom, teams? There are many free services, I would think that you would want to know who you are actually messaging?

Edited May 7 by BaileyB