GNRFan Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 To want a friends with benefits? I really don't want to date right now. I am 2 months post break up from a toxic back and forth relationship. I am usually not into casual sex and I wouldn't even know how to find a FWB. I have gotten a lot of negative feedback from female friends however some of them engage in that behavior. Thoughts? Male Mid 40s. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 I can't think of why it's selfish as long as you and that person have an understanding and no one is misleading the other. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author GNRFan Posted May 5 Author Share Posted May 5 5 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I can't think of why it's selfish as long as you and that person have an understanding and no one is misleading the other. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I just think it paints me in a negative light if that makes sense to only be looking for something physical. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 22 minutes ago, GNRFan said: Thank you for taking the time to respond. I just think it paints me in a negative light if that makes sense to only be looking for something physical. There are societal biases against women who have casual sex, but there is nothing wrong with it. It's your life, your sexuality, your body. Just be safe. And if you get any negative blowback, f*** that. It has nothing to do with you. It's their problem. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author GNRFan Posted May 5 Author Share Posted May 5 3 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: There are societal biases against women who have casual sex, but there is nothing wrong with it. It's your life, your sexuality, your body. Just be safe. And if you get any negative blowback, f*** that. It has nothing to do with you. It's their problem. I have seen societal problems with both genders, hence why I joined and posted this. Eventually when my head space is right I will want a relationship, right now I am seeking something physical. The backlash from my female friends was unexpected, not that I asked them to partake. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
goldengirls Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 Just be upfront and honest about what your intentions are and you will be fine. That way they know you aren’t looking for a relationship and you will most likely find another person wanting the same thing. Definitely have to let them know off the bat you just want a FWB and not a relationship. You’d be surprised how many are looking for the same. make sure they are single too! Lots of married people wanting to be fwb and are ok with that bc they are married, but that is so messy. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 10 hours ago, GNRFan said: To want a friends with benefits? I really don't want to date right now. I am 2 months post break up from a toxic back and forth relationship. I am usually not into casual sex and I wouldn't even know how to find a FWB. I have gotten a lot of negative feedback from female friends however some of them engage in that behavior. Thoughts? Male Mid 40s. Not at all, as long as you are clear with the woman you are seeing that this is the arrangement you have together. What's wrong is misleading her into thinking you are in a relationship either by lying or omission while you don't feel the same way and may be seeing other people. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 9 hours ago, GNRFan said: I have seen societal problems with both genders, hence why I joined and posted this. Eventually when my head space is right I will want a relationship, right now I am seeking something physical. The backlash from my female friends was unexpected, not that I asked them to partake. It's not really about selfish, it's about recovering from your bad relationship experience. Your female friends are moralizing, but that's not the problem. The problem is you're not going to have much luck asking women to be free escorts because it's all you want. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: It's not really about selfish, it's about recovering from your bad relationship experience. Your female friends are moralizing, but that's not the problem. The problem is you're not going to have much luck asking women to be free escorts because it's all you want. I think that's a rather silly comment. There's booty calls (which I've never personally engaged in), which is closer to what you're describing and is two people using eachother purely for sex. FWB can be a good arrangement for two people who still enjoy dating but acknowledge they're not currently looking for a full relationship commitment. Obviously sex is a bit part but it's also spending time together. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 It’s not selfish of you to want casual sex, as long as you don’t lie to a woman, mislead her, or hurt her in any way. You shouldn’t have shared that desire of yours with your female friends. People tend to be awfully prudish and judgmental sometimes, this applies to both genders. Sex can be therapeutic, and finding a nice person to be FWB with is definitely not something you should beat yourself up for, especially if you are doing it to soothe the pain of breakup. It’s just that… well, from my experience, casual sex doesn’t really work as a cure for broken heart. It’s a painkiller, not a real medicine. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 (edited) There's nothing wrong with seeking a FWB as long as you are honest about it from the start. As a 40yo (presumably hetero) man, though, whether you will find a person to engage in it with you is a different matter entirely. But no, it's not wrong to put yourself out there. Edited May 5 by Els Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 Haha - for some reason, I thought that you were a woman this whole time. I guess I better read more carefully. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 I thought you were female too. 🤣 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 Of course it's not selfish, as long as you're up front and honest with the other person from the start and don't lead them on. Believe it or not, there are women who don't want relationships and who are looking for FWB situations out there too. It's a stereotype to say that women always want relationships. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author GNRFan Posted May 5 Author Share Posted May 5 10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: It's not really about selfish, it's about recovering from your bad relationship experience. Your female friends are moralizing, but that's not the problem. The problem is you're not going to have much luck asking women to be free escorts because it's all you want. If both parties are consenting will you redact your judgemental condescending remark? 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author GNRFan Posted May 5 Author Share Posted May 5 Yeah folks states it plain as day. I am of the male gender. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 Nothing wrong with a mutually satisfying relationship, as long as the boundaries and guidelines are clear. One problem is that agreeing to those guidelines is often just lip service from someone who actually wants a proper relationship but is willing to put up with being used in the hope that the other person will develop feelings for them, and another problem is the potential for collateral damage to the person who develops feelings and how they might react when you want to end the arrangement. As long as you can find a FWB who's genuinely OK with the status quo, someone who understands that you will meet some woman in the future who you want a healthy relationship with and that at that point the FWB will be discarded, you should be fine. As you found with talking to your female friends about it, most women aren't OK with this type of arrangement. Quite a few women will pretend they are, and that brings us back to the collateral damage issue. I have a friend who does it, starts a 'fling', (her term for it), with some guy, sleeps with him a few times, and then starts cracking the darks because, "all he want is sex, he doesn't even respond to my texts unless it's convenient". She then starts email-stalking him, calling and texting him late at night, becoming increasingly demanding that he pay attention to her, and of course he then wishes he'd never gone there, and it ends on a sour note. This happens because she puts a lot of emphasis on the "friends" part of FWB, choosing to ignore the obvious, which is that there can be no real "friendship" in these relationships because there's no mutual regard for emotional well-being. You can't be someone's friend if their only purpose in your life is to serve your needs. Of course, you could also be "friends" with them, be there for them, have their back, care for them, but good luck in the future when you meet a woman you want a relationship with, because very few self-respecting woman will tolerate an old sex toy hanging around like a bad smell in the periphery of your life. Just my opinion, so maybe not worth much, but for women who enjoy no-strings sex and genuinely have no emotional investment, I always wonder why they don't have the smarts to charge money for it. So, my advice would be to find an attractive sex worker and become a regular customer until you're ready to have a proper relationship. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 4 hours ago, GNRFan said: If both parties are consenting will you redact your judgemental condescending remark? 😯😂 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 I don't see how it's selfish, if you are clear about your intentions from the beginning and the woman is fine with it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 A bit of judginess going on in this thread I thing. If casual sex makes you feel like an escort or you're dating one then fair enough it's not for you. If you can be honest and want to date without the committments of a relationship and the other person wants the same it's really not a problem IMO. Feelings can change of course and if they do you talk about it and decide if it makes sense to keep seeing eachother. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 17 hours ago, GNRFan said: Yeah folks states it plain as day. I am of the male gender. I'm not really sure why you're talking to all your female friends about this... it's not something that typically comes up in mixed gender conversations a lot IMO. Like, my platonic male friends' sex lives are the LAST thing I want to know about... Is it possible that your female friends felt awkward and thought you were trying to proposition them? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 8 Share Posted May 8 Ya it sounds like they turned you down, and came up with the excuse you were being selfish. How to find someone? Try a dating app. Not everyone is looking for commitment. Put yourself out there socially, meet someone that is on the same page....casual dating. Just remember you lessen your chances if you look too thirsty. Take your time, be positive, and keep your friends out of your biz. You can do this. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author GNRFan Posted May 8 Author Share Posted May 8 50 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Ya it sounds like they turned you down, and came up with the excuse you were being selfish. How to find someone? Try a dating app. Not everyone is looking for commitment. Put yourself out there socially, meet someone that is on the same page....casual dating. Just remember you lessen your chances if you look too thirsty. Take your time, be positive, and keep your friends out of your biz. You can do this. Who exactly turned me down? Can you articulate that? I didn't proposition my friends if that is what you and everyone else with reading comprehension problems is insinuating. It came up in conversation. My female friends and I are platonic in nature. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author GNRFan Posted May 8 Author Share Posted May 8 On 5/6/2024 at 11:22 AM, Els said: I'm not really sure why you're talking to all your female friends about this... it's not something that typically comes up in mixed gender conversations a lot IMO. Like, my platonic male friends' sex lives are the LAST thing I want to know about... Is it possible that your female friends felt awkward and thought you were trying to proposition them? I didn't know there was a guide to what you can and cannot talk about with friends. Yes this something that comes up in mixed gender convos. This isn't a nunnery. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 8 Share Posted May 8 1 hour ago, GNRFan said: I didn't know there was a guide to what you can and cannot talk about with friends. Yes this something that comes up in mixed gender convos. This isn't a nunnery. That's OK everyone is different. I stated not to talk to your friends anymore because they already formed an opinion negatively, so just move on from that and go for dating aps, meet ups, venturing out to see what you can find. It takes time to see what's gonna stick. I can see why you would be confused by the ones that already have experience with FWB. I find it odd they would say something like that unless they ran into complications, like catching feelings, etc. It's been only a few months, so keep busy and see what happens. Note: FWB needs expectations and boundaries set, like some don't require texting, just meeting up on certain days, some like to go out first and then sex, some want sex only, some want more emotional level, etc. I hope it can work out for you. It's nice to take a breather, and just enjoy an uncomplicated arrangement. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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