strangeAvenger0001 Posted May 4 Share Posted May 4 So I saw this guy at a wedding. I found him cute. He was the groom’s cousin and the groom is my brother’s friend. And we had few glances at each other at the wedding. I searched him on Instagram and sent a request and he immediately accepted it. Looking at his Instagram, I got to know that he has a girlfriend. After a week, I messaged him like ‘ Hey! I hope you don’t mind me reaching out. I remember seeing you at … wedding and thought I’d say hello. How have you been ? ‘ I just wanted to be friends with him I don’t want anything else He saw the message, but he didn’t reply. It’s been a day ! So was I wrong to message him ? And should I expect a message ? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 4 Share Posted May 4 Your previous thread was about a married man, and now this one. It would seem that you struggle knowing appropriate boundaries. In answer to this question, it was not wrong to send him the request because you didn't know he was in a relationship. But it was inappropriate to send him the message, and given that you only exchanged glances at the wedding, I don't believe for a moment that you just wanted friendship. That he hasn't replied for a day does indicate that he has good boundaries. For his girlfriend's sake, here's hoping his boundaries stick 1 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author strangeAvenger0001 Posted May 4 Author Share Posted May 4 16 minutes ago, basil67 said: Your previous thread was about a married man, and now this one. It would seem that you struggle knowing appropriate boundaries. In answer to this question, it was not wrong to send him the request because you didn't know he was in a relationship. But it was inappropriate to send him the message, and given that you only exchanged glances at the wedding, I don't believe for a moment that you just wanted friendship. That he hasn't replied for a day does indicate that he has good boundaries. For his girlfriend's sake, here's hoping his boundaries stick But why did he accept the request ? And see the message if he didn’t want me to talk ? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 4 Share Posted May 4 2 minutes ago, strangeAvenger0001 said: But why did he accept the request ? And see the message if he didn’t want me to talk ? Because that's what people do on social media? It means nothing, other than he's open to gathering followers. As for why he didn't respond to you, who knows? Maybe he was curious what you had to say and now that he's read it, has decided not to reply because he senses you are digging for more. Let it be. Just don't message him again. 1 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author strangeAvenger0001 Posted May 4 Author Share Posted May 4 3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Because that's what people do on social media? It means nothing, other than he's open to gathering followers. As for why he didn't respond to you, who knows? Maybe he was curious what you had to say and now that he's read it, has decided not to reply because he senses you are digging for more. Let it be. Just don't message him again. Haha Yeahh ! I won’t message him !! 🙌😊 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 4 Share Posted May 4 (edited) 7 hours ago, strangeAvenger0001 said: But why did he accept the request ? And see the message if he didn’t want me to talk ? Lots of people are friends on Instagram and Facebook - accepting a friend request doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to talk with you and build a relationship - as a friendship or romantic relationship. It would be very inappropriate for this man to develop a friendship with a woman if he has a girlfriend. Unless you are also friends with his girlfriend, and want to spend time with the two of them together… it would be very inappropriate for him to reply to you and spend time getting to know you. As Basil said, thankfully for his girlfriend’s sake, he seems to have good boundaries. Let’s hope that continues. You should not pursue this any further. A good rule of thumb is not to pursue any man who is in a relationship with another woman. Not romantically. Not even under the guise of “friendship.” Full stop. Edited May 4 by BaileyB 3 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted May 4 Share Posted May 4 50 minutes ago, BaileyB said: It would be very inappropriate for this man to develop a friendship with a woman if he has a girlfriend Do you think men and women can’t be friends if they are in romantic relationships with other people? I’m not suggesting this to the OP, just curious about your opinion. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 4 Share Posted May 4 (edited) 2 hours ago, Gebidozo said: Do you think men and women can’t be friends if they are in romantic relationships with other people? I absolutely think that men and women can be friends when they are in a romantic relationship with another person - as long as everyone is aware of the friendship and respectful and healthy boundaries are maintained. I think a woman who pursues a “friendship” with a man (that she does not know from Adam) when she is aware that he is in a relationship with another woman is more than likely not doing so with honest intention… I would say that this is how generally well-intended people get themselves into a world of trouble. It would be different if it was an existing friendship. It would be different if the intention was to be friends with both individuals (ie. they have an interest in common and he invites his girlfriend to join)… But, to expect a man that you have only made eye contact with at a wedding to message with you (privately) and establish a friendship when he is in a relationship with another woman is a slippery slope to trouble… I often think - how would I feel if this was my partner? Would it be ok if a woman he did not know/met at a wedding friended him on social media (that’s fine) and they started messaging in private? At that point, as a woman, I would be very suspicious of her intentions. So, my answer to that question is “No.” Out of respect for my partner, I do not reach out to other men that I find attractive and attempt to “befriend” them. And, I would not be happy if he befriended and started messaging a woman in return. Edited May 4 by BaileyB 5 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted May 4 Share Posted May 4 2 hours ago, Gebidozo said: Do you think men and women can’t be friends if they are in romantic relationships with other people? I’m not suggesting this to the OP, just curious about your opinion. I'll chime in with my opinion: Sure, some of my closest friends are the opposite sex and one of them is my ex, the mother of our adult child. My partner has opposite sex friends. But, if some strange lady friended me on social media (I have a mass of people on SM because of what I do) and wanted to "be friends" I sure would not start up anything. Hella no. And I also would not be pursuing friendships with new cute women that I saw at a wedding. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 4 Share Posted May 4 11 hours ago, strangeAvenger0001 said: Looking at his Instagram, I got to know that he has a girlfriend. after a week, I messaged him like ‘ Hey! I hope you don’t mind me reaching out. I remember seeing you at … wedding and thought I’d say hello. He saw the message, but he didn’t reply. It's ok to socialize with other guests but you were clearly chasing because you thought he was "cute". Why chase unavailable uninterested men? You're wasting your time and he doesn't want to be chat buddies or friends. He has a GF. The stop sign doesn't get much clearer than that. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted May 4 Share Posted May 4 1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said: I'll chime in with my opinion: Sure, some of my closest friends are the opposite sex and one of them is my ex, the mother of our adult child. My partner has opposite sex friends. But, if some strange lady friended me on social media (I have a mass of people on SM because of what I do) and wanted to "be friends" I sure would not start up anything. Hella no. And I also would not be pursuing friendships with new cute women that I saw at a wedding. I see your point. I also have a lot of people adding me on social media, many pretty women among them, because my job is of a kind that impresses and attracts people. Sometimes those ladies chat with me privately, but usually the banter fades away after they notice my social media posts with photos of my fiancée. Some still say they want to be friends, and sometimes I don’t know how to proceed. I told my fiancée about them and ask her whether she preferred that I deleted those girls, but she said “No, don’t delete them, chat with them if you want, I trust you won’t do anything with them”. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted May 4 Share Posted May 4 (edited) 29 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: I see your point. I also have a lot of people adding me on social media, many pretty women among them, because my job is of a kind that impresses and attracts people. Sometimes those ladies chat with me privately, but usually the banter fades away after they notice my social media posts with photos of my fiancée. Some still say they want to be friends, and sometimes I don’t know how to proceed. I told my fiancée about them and ask her whether she preferred that I deleted those girls, but she said “No, don’t delete them, chat with them if you want, I trust you won’t do anything with them”. Well ... I wouldn't chat with them. Not because my partner would mind. I just wouldn't engage in "banter" if somebody is reaching out to me in a way that has some kind of flirtatious vibe to it. No good will come. Edited May 4 by NuevoYorko 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 4 Share Posted May 4 (edited) 4 hours ago, Gebidozo said: I told my fiancée about them and ask her whether she preferred that I deleted those girls, but she said “No, don’t delete them, chat with them if you want, I trust you won’t do anything with them”. Your fiancée trusts you to maintain a healthy relationship boundary. That’s a very good thing. The next question becomes - are you able to maintain a healthy relationship boundary? In other words, are you worthy of the trust that your partner has placed in you? To date, the answer is yes. Also a very good thing. What exactly are you chatting about with the women that message you privately? Is it job related or does it veer to more personal discussion. If you are going to message with people online, I would set the boundary that it’s ok to chat with people about work but when the conversation gets more personal, that is a line that I would not cross. If the banter (interesting use of that word, that makes me think that the conversation is not related to your work) stops when the women realize that you have a fiancée, that tells you their intention. If they chose to continue, they likely don’t know how to proceed and/or to becomes awkward because it is awkward when one is attempting to “befriend” a man who is engaged to another woman… I would suggest that you be very careful here… It is a very slippery slope, and it only takes one… At the end of the day, what is more important/what do you value more - the banter you share with the random women who are reaching out to you online or your fiancée? That should guide your decisions… Edited May 4 by BaileyB 2 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 9 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: Well ... I wouldn't chat with them. Not because my partner would mind. I just wouldn't engage in "banter" if somebody is reaching out to me in a way that has some kind of flirtatious vibe to it. No good will come. Oh, yeah, if there’s a flirtatious vibe I nip it in the bud. But most of the times it’s sort of borderline, if you know what I mean. Nothing openly flirtatious on their part, just chatting, but who knows. They would often post comments such as “Your fiancée is so beautiful! Lovely couple!”, so I’m thinking, they can’t possibly want something from me if they are happy to see me happy with my lady, right? Maybe they just like the stuff I do. And I am sort of vain, I like having fans, wouldn’t want to lose or alienate them. It’s sometimes such a fine line between liking my work and liking me as man, I can’t always tell which is which… Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 5 hours ago, BaileyB said: What exactly are you chatting about with the women that message you privately? Is it job related or does it veer to more personal discussion. That’s the thing, in my professional world these lines tend to blur. It’s entirely possible that a young, pretty girl comes to me yelling “oh my God, you’re amazing!”, and it’s purely professional admiration. So if she adds me on social media afterwards, I can expect more messages in the same vein, but most of the time it’s really just liking the stuff I do. I’m used to it and my fiancée is wise enough to understand it. But sometimes it just feels like I could cross the line if I wanted to. Except that I don’t want to, and never will. It’s just a bit confusing sometimes. 5 hours ago, BaileyB said: At the end of the day, what is more important/what do you value more - the banter you share with the random women who are reaching out to you online or your fiancée? I’d definitely delete all my female contacts if I knew it would please my fiancée. Without hesitation. Except that she never asks for that, and keeps telling me she trusts me completely. Which makes me even more eager to pay attention and not cross any lines. OP, sorry for hijacking your thread😳 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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