Girl I went on a few dates with said she has genuine feelings for me, but isn't mentally ready for a relationship?

[howlzy]

It is technically the 3rd time we’ve hung out, but I sort of count it as the second one with romantic intentions as we both weren’t really sure for the first one.

Known this girl for around 2 months, but have only been dating for a month. After the first date we confessed our feelings for each other because I wanted to make my intentions clear, so we’ve had some obvious interest in each other for a while. Should mention she is a coworker and I currently work with her (although as we're both casual we don’t see each other often at work).   
  
Our 3rd date was where we finally crossed the threshold into intimacy. I took her to the zoo and when we came back to the city centre they were playing some crappy indie films so she bought us some juice and we sat down watching them for an hour. She asked me to feel her hands to see how cold they are, I said I can warm them up if you want and she offered me her hand. We sat there making each other laugh for ages just holding hands. Honestly, I should’ve kissed her here but we were both sitting down in separate beach chairs so I’m not sure how it would’ve worked logistically.

Unfortunately she had to go home early, and she had to catch the train but since we’re at different platforms this was where we split up. I was really debating kissing her, but because I took too long she just kind of said okay I have to go now and went in for a hug that lasted a few seconds and then left. On her way out she said I’ll see you again whenever.

I messaged her after the date telling her I had a good time, and she responded back thanking me and saying she had the "best time ever."   
  
However, I noticed after this date a drop off in communication despite it being the one with the most romantic physical interactions so far.   
  
She takes hours to respond now. Usually anywhere from 1-6 hours. I know how it works for her is that she doesn’t open messages until she knows EXACTLY how she wants to respond so that it doesn’t look like she’s left anyone on seen, but still.   
  
She was showing clear interest all the way up to the 3rd date, including physical compliments like calling me cute and sweet etc. but now it’s like she’s just trying to let me go in a non-confrontational way since we still work together.
  
She used to also message me after taking a long time to respond with an excuse to reassure me that she wasn’t ghosting me, but I told her it’s not necessary for her to do that as I’m confident enough with her where I know she wouldn’t do that, and she agreed.   
  
It just seems like a really odd drop off, should I actually be concerned since it’s only been 5 days and she was showing obvious interest a week ago? 

I also messaged her 2 days ago asking her when she'd be available for another date, and she responded in an hour to agree and she "should be okay for a few days next week." Haven’t heard anything yet, I’m waiting her for to give me a specific day. 

Do you guys think I have anything to be concerned about? I really want to kiss her on the next date.

[Sony12]

Sounds like she is losing interest a bit. That generally is what a dropoff in communication implies unless there is a valid explanation for it.

In anycase you two were coworkers and you never had sex so it isn't that big of a deal. Casual relations with a coworker is never a good idea because one person always is more attached than the other and it often can make the workplace uncomfortable for one or both individuals.

 

Edited April 26, 2024 by Sony12

[glows]

Slow responses generally mean she’s thinking or not as interested. Or something has come up. What did you talk about during those dates? Are you mismatched? Different values /goals? There are a ton of things people don’t disclose until the 3rd date which is annoying af especially if they’re dealbreakers. Since you work together she may also be trying to discreetly and tactfully push you off and hope you get the message to just chill out.

These are all assumptions though. If you see her at work again or want to know if she’s free I suggest being more direct and asking her which day she’s free and flirt with her , ask her when you can see her again. I wouldn’t push it past that.

[OKtoday]

She may be waiting for you to ask her on the date. She said she’s available a few days next week. It’s your turn. Pick a date and throw it out there! It can be adjusted as needed.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, howlzy said:

I also messaged her 2 days ago asking her when she'd be available for another date, and she responded in an hour to agree and she "should be okay for a few days next week."

How did you respond to this? 

[howlzy]

3 hours ago, glows said:

Slow responses generally mean she’s thinking or not as interested. Or something has come up. What did you talk about during those dates? Are you mismatched? Different values /goals? There are a ton of things people don’t disclose until the 3rd date which is annoying af especially if they’re dealbreakers. Since you work together she may also be trying to discreetly and tactfully push you off and hope you get the message to just chill out.

These are all assumptions though. If you see her at work again or want to know if she’s free I suggest being more direct and asking her which day she’s free and flirt with her , ask her when you can see her again. I wouldn’t push it past that.

We are almost identical in personalities, likes and interests. She’s said multiple times that I am the guy version of her, and I’ve said the same. We talked about whatever, really most of the date was just making each other laugh and telling each other stories. We already know a lot about each other from so much texting. On the date she was worried about telling me her sexual history, and said that she didn’t want me to view her in that light. She is often worried about over sharing. 

[howlzy]

2 hours ago, OKtoday said:

She may be waiting for you to ask her on the date. She said she’s available a few days next week. It’s your turn. Pick a date and throw it out there! It can be adjusted as needed.

Should I wait for her to give me a specific day? That’s what I told her. I said “okay when you get a specific day let me know,”  and she said she would. Should I take control and sort out a suitable day myself? I figured that it could be a way to measure her interest if she gives me a day instead of me having to do it.

[howlzy]

Just now, howlzy said:

Should I wait for her to give me a specific day? That’s what I told her. I said “okay when you get a specific day let me know,”  and she said she would. Should I take control and sort out a suitable day myself? I figured that it could be a way to measure her interest if she gives me a day instead of me having to do it.

“Okay lmk what days you’re good for when you know more”

 

Her: “Ok i can do that”

 

 

[basil67]

37 minutes ago, howlzy said:

“Okay lmk what days you’re good for when you know more”

 

Her: “Ok i can do that”

 

 

Ah, I see.  If you like her, follow up just once more.  If you can't be bothered, leave it be

[howlzy]

I know this girl from work, and started going on dates a month and a half ago. After the first date I confessed my feelings for her and she said she felt the same. Before the third date she would show interest through obvious flirting and compliments, but after the 3rd I’ve noticed a steep decline in communication.

We both are taking things slow, and I only established proper romantic contact on the third date. In my opinion, it went really well and it was really intimate. We just held hands and made each other laugh for ages. She texted me afterward and told me she had a great time. I asked her a couple days ago when she’d be available for the next date, and she said that she can’t this week, but “should be good for a few days next week.”

We used to essentially text all day. Maybe a few hours between, but would regularly text late into the night. She used to text me “you better still be awake” just so we could talk to each other. It was really cute and I felt the same about her completely. I still do, which is why I’m concerned.

We’ve been texting much less after the 3rd date. She will message me quickly sometimes, then randomly dip out of the conversation for several hours even if I responded a minute later. I can read the signs. I know that her patterns have changed for the negative. I’m just worried she’s feeding me breadcrumbs and too nervous to tell me she’s no longer interested since we still work together.

I’m considering messaging her, telling her that I’ve noticed that she’s been distant over the past week and whether or not she still sees me the same way I see her. I’m happy to just be friends, but I would of course love to be in a relationship too.

Do you people think this comes off as too clingy? I just want to know if I should keep wasting my time with her.

[d0nnivain]

First you have to understand my bias.  I hate texting so this whole we texted all night stuff sounds dreadful to me. 

You are right to notice a change in the pattern though.  Yes you can TALK about it.  Do not send a text about it.  It's too sensitive a subject fraught with peril & ripe for misunderstanding if you forgo all of the non-verbal cues you will need to navigate this.  It's a discussion that must be done in person not over text.  If you try to talk about this over text I guarantee you will end up in a fight & broken up.  You need to be able to look at each other, see facial expressions & hear each other's tone of voice.  It's a very delicate thing 

Instead of accusing her, you need to be gentle.  Open the discussion by saying how much you enjoyed the long texting sessions but that you noticed a drop off & you were wondering if you had done something wrong.  See what she says.  

[d0nnivain]

Based  on all the missed kissing opportunities after three dates & no kiss she has concluded that you aren't into her so she's backing off to save face.  

[howlzy]

56 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Based  on all the missed kissing opportunities after three dates & no kiss she has concluded that you aren't into her so she's backing off to save face.  

Of course I’m into her. She should know it. Why would I offer to hold hands with her like that if I wasn’t, and why would i ask her out on another date?

[ZA Dater]

Walk away. It's a co worker and that alone makes it a fundamentally bad idea.

[howlzy]

Just now, ZA Dater said:

Walk away. It's a co worker and that alone makes it a fundamentally bad idea.

I won’t be working there within a month. I’m joining the police force.

[Sony12]

1 hour ago, howlzy said:

Of course I’m into her. She should know it. Why would I offer to hold hands with her like that if I wasn’t, and why would i ask her out on another date?

Then why didn't you kiss her? The types of guys that many women want to meet kiss them on the first date unless the lady states she doesn't want to be kissed.

 

[ZA Dater]

1 minute ago, Sony12 said:

Then why didn't you kiss her? The types of guys that many women want to meet kiss them on the first date unless the lady states she doesn't want to be kissed.

 

With respect I disagree with this.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, howlzy said:

Of course I’m into her. She should know it. Why would I offer to hold hands with her like that if I wasn’t, and why would i ask her out on another date?

Early stages can be tricky to navigate. I’d let her know if a specific plan for a date and then give her an option of days that might work for her. For example: “There’s a new restaurant I’ve been wanting to try and it’s close to the boardwalk where we can go for a walk afterwards. Does Thursday or Friday evening next week work for you?”

[glows]

The guy version of you though 

Is that wise? I mean do you want to be dating a female version of yourself? If it were me I’d rather lay over hot coals. 

Anyway yes follow up once more only and ask her if she’d like to go out this week. If she is vague or doesn’t respond I think you should take the hint.

[basil67]

You don't mention your age or experience.  I suspect you are in high school and she's your first love interest?  Am I right?   If so, not making any moves is much more forgivable than if you were older and with prior romantic experience.

Thing is, taking risks is part getting into a relationship with someone.  If you can get her on another date, initiate hand holding.  If that works, put your arm around her when you're walking or sitting.   And if that works,  kiss her goodbye.   And if something awkward happens like someone's arm getting in a weird position or you accidentally bump noses, just laugh it off

 

[basil67]

13 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

With respect I disagree with this.

 

@Sony12 is right....If there is chemistry, many women will want to act on it.   The only exception would be if she's particularly timid or from a socially conservative background.

Edited April 28, 2024 by basil67

[howlzy]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@Sony12 is right....If there is chemistry, many women will want to act on it.   The only exception would be if she's particularly timid or from a socially conservative background.

She is definitely timid, 100%.

[howlzy]

19 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You don't mention your age or experience.  I suspect you are in high school and she's your first love interest?  Am I right?   If so, not making any moves is much more forgivable than if you were older and with prior romantic experience.

Thing is, taking risks is part getting into a relationship with someone.  If you can get her on another date, initiate hand holding.  If that works, put your arm around her when you're walking or sitting.   And if that works,  kiss her goodbye.   And if something awkward happens like someone's arm getting in a weird position or you accidentally bump noses, just laugh it off

 

Next date I planned on going further. She is the first girl I’m interested in pursuing a proper relationship with, and I’m 21. She’s 19 and had one ex-boyfriend who was emotionally abusive. He never took her on dates or anything, really I’m interested as to what their relationship really consisted of. She gets nervous really often so I’ve been intentionally slow to make moves because I don’t want to rush her.

[howlzy]

14 hours ago, Sony12 said:

Then why didn't you kiss her? The types of guys that many women want to meet kiss them on the first date unless the lady states she doesn't want to be kissed.

 

Because it’s the first date where there has been any intimacy. I want to save the kiss for the next date so that it wouldn’t look like I’d be too desperate for a kiss as soon as she shows me any romantic intimacy.

[basil67]

49 minutes ago, howlzy said:

Because it’s the first date where there has been any intimacy. I want to save the kiss for the next date so that it wouldn’t look like I’d be too desperate for a kiss as soon as she shows me any romantic intimacy.

Why do you think she'd imagine you were desperate?   If she's keen on you, she'd welcome the kiss.

I fear you're at risk of failing due to being over cautious

Edited April 28, 2024 by basil67