Soon-to-be Long distance. Very Worried

[healthyhopes]

I am half venting and half requesting logistical suggestions.

I've accepted a master's program ~4 hours away from where my boyfriend will be working. I had no choice but to accept this program for the sake of my career. Even though I don't want to move so far away from the life I have built, and to live in a location that is less-than-glamorous for 2 years, I always had a dream of entering a very competitive field (which will also later require me to have a  PhD) and I have had trouble getting the necessary experience that makes me a competitive applicant without formal academia guiding me.

However, my boyfriend has accepted a job in the state where he has completed his degree, and he doesn't want to move or apply for another job. We live in a particular state where someone who goes to his school does not need to take a mandatory licensure test, and can be waived into other states without this test after working in this state for several years (I think 3?). He doesn't want to take this test in any other state, and would rather wait out 3 years without hassle. Additionally, it is a fun and cool city and he is excited to live there. For the record, I don't think he should move away as this is the first job he will ever have after graduating his program, and he is excited for it.

While I applied to a number of places, the Master's program in his city rejected my application. This is very depressing for the both of us as we had made plans to move in together for the first time. My only choice is this Master's Degree that is 4.5 hours away and in another state. Though he says I actually don't need more education and that I can wait and live with him for a few years and re-apply later, he has reluctantly accepted my offer for a long-distance relationship.

Still, I am worried sick about the distance and the future of this relationship. I fear that he is developing resentment towards me for accepting this offer. I have made several plans about how we may make this work but I feel like I am the only one thinking about these plans. He is a quiet and relaxed person and though that is a strength in some situations, at current I have no idea what he is thinking and for my own sake I need to know his ideas for how we could make it work. 

I think we could theoretically see each other every other week (switching off each visit), and either take a bus, ride a car, or take a plane to see the other person. Additionally, I thought about potentially staying at his place on college breaks. My idea is that we could set up our apartments as if two people live there, so that we don't feel like it is such a hassle to travel this often. I agree that it is not the most perfect solution but I don't know what else to do. I am honestly worried sick about this and have been losing sleep every night. I worry that this will be the end of our relationship, but I know I need my master's degree so that I can take a step towards one day having my dream job. 

Has anyone else navigated a similar long distance situation??? How did you succeed in actually maintaining the long distance relationship (with travel included)? Was it actually doable for a time period of 2 years??

Thanks!!

[healthyhopes]

I am really struggling... I know that accepting this offer is the best thing for me and my career... If I move in with him I don't know where I would work and more likely, without more education, I will be making little money... and I cannot stand the thought of putting my life on hold for three years. At the same time I feel like I am singlehandedly responsible for the end of my relationship, as I have no idea how to predict if long distance will work or not (though I do want it to work!), and two years is an awfully long time.

[basil67]

When you say you're moving 4 hours away, is this a 4 hour drive or flight?  If it's a drive, then it could well be sustainable if you're both prepared to travel to see the other one and stay for the weekend.   I'm not one to do long distance, but even I think that 4 hours drive could be sustainable, especially if you can chill on a train or bus. 

I understand your application in his city failed, but if you do excellent work, could you potentially apply for a transfer in a year?

[healthyhopes]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

When you say you're moving 4 hours away, is this a 4 hour drive or flight?  If it's a drive, then it could well be sustainable if you're both prepared to travel to see the other one and stay for the weekend.   I'm not one to do long distance, but even I think that 4 hours drive could be sustainable, especially if you can chill on a train or bus. 

I understand your application in his city failed, but if you do excellent work, could you potentially apply for a transfer in a year?

It will be a (slightly more than a) 4 hour drive. I am also not typically one to do long distance, which is why I am so worried.

I don't believe there is a formal application processes with master's degrees, so I am not sure if it is possible. My application in his city didn't exactly fail -- the professors whose labs I applied for changed their minds and decided to not accept applicants. As such I don't think I can re-apply for this cycle anyways.

[healthyhopes]

1 hour ago, healthyhopes said:

I don't believe there is a formal application processes with master's degrees, so I am not sure if it is possible. 

Mean to say: I don't believe there is a formal transfer processes with master's degrees, so I am not sure if it is possible. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, healthyhopes said:

I thought about potentially staying at his place on college breaks. My idea is that we could set up our apartments as if two people live there, so that we don't feel like it is such a hassle to travel this often. I agree that it is not the most perfect solution but I don't know what else to do.

What does your boyfriend think about this? 

[d0nnivain]

4 hours is not insurmountable.  The time apart also has a definitive end: your graduation. 

I made a bi-costal (NY & CA) relationship work before cells phones & internet. We had daily snail mail paper letters & 1 phone call for 1 hour at 11 pm on Wednesday nights when the rates were cheaper.  It ended for reasons having nothing to do with the distance.  Unlike  me, you have all sorts of technology:  cell phones, video chat etc.  

In theory there should be little to worry about because this isn't so much long distance as inconvenient.   You are projecting your fears & doomsday onto him.  Stop.  He doesn't appear worried nor does he say he resents you. Why would you want to be with a partner who didn't support you?  

Give the LDR thing a chance.  Let yourself grow so you are less fearful of the drive.  Learn some independence.  At the end of your program you will have the degree you want & better sense of self.  Do not throw all that away & the possibilities that come with it for a BF.  If your relationship survives you & he will be all the stronger for the effort.  If the relationship crumbles under this stress test it wasn't meant to be in the 1st place.  

[Gebidozo]

Long distance relationships are very tough for some people, especially for anxious attachers who worry a lot and need tangible contact. That said, 4 hours driving distance isn’t that much. I know couples who survived 2 or more years LDR while studying in different countries 20 airplane hours apart.

If you guys love and trust each other, you’ll be able to do it. Try to see each other as much as you can. Today’s technology makes everything so much easier. I had a relationship that turned long-distance (4-hour flight apart) during its fourth year. We were both poor students who could hardly afford an international call. We wrote paper letters that arrived at their destination a week later. You guys can consider yourselves lucky😊

[stillafool]

4.5 hours isn't that long of a drive.  I have a friend who lives in L.A. and works in Vegas and comes home every weekend.  That's a 4.5 hour drive.  If you trust your boyfriend there should be nothing to worry about.

[BaileyB]

Definitely do whatever you need to do to get your education. If your relationship is meant to be, it will survive the time that you are apart as you get your education. 

I have two friends who studied at different schools. For several years, they lived apart -  it was a day travel by plane. But, they made it work… they recently celebrated their 25th anniversary and they have two children. So, it can be done. But, it’s also not a terrible thing if the relationship ends. Not every relationship at this age is meant to be a “forever” relationship. If time reveals that you are better to end this relationship and follow your own path - that will be ok too. Trust me. 💕

Edited April 29 by BaileyB

[Els]

 During our 15+ years together, my husband and I did 2 years of very long distance (international plane ride) and 1.5 years of what I would consider medium distance (2 hour drive). The 2-hour drive was not a big issue, but the very long distance period was incredibly difficult. We obviously did succeed in getting through it, but it was rough.

I think at this stage in your life it makes sense for you to prioritize your career. I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm guessing you're in your early 20s. Realistically speaking, even if you sacrifice your career to stay with your partner, it's statistically unlikely that this will be the relationship you'll be in for the rest of your life. Possible, but statistically unlikely. On the other hand, your career and your resume is something that you will have for the remainder of your working life.

IMO, you should go. If it was meant to be, you two will make it work.

On 4/29/2024 at 1:26 PM, healthyhopes said:

Still, I am worried sick about the distance and the future of this relationship. I fear that he is developing resentment towards me for accepting this offer. I have made several plans about how we may make this work but I feel like I am the only one thinking about these plans

Why do you feel like he would develop resentment towards you? He is an equal participant in creating the long distance, because he's not willing to move with you. It's not like he can't, he chooses not to. That's a fair decision for him to make, but he cannot begrudge you making your own decisions too.

[WH747474]

4hr drive is really not that bad .

[healthyhopes]

On 5/1/2024 at 5:19 AM, Els said:

 During our 15+ years together, my husband and I did 2 years of very long distance (international plane ride) and 1.5 years of what I would consider medium distance (2 hour drive). The 2-hour drive was not a big issue, but the very long distance period was incredibly difficult. We obviously did succeed in getting through it, but it was rough.

I think at this stage in your life it makes sense for you to prioritize your career. I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm guessing you're in your early 20s. Realistically speaking, even if you sacrifice your career to stay with your partner, it's statistically unlikely that this will be the relationship you'll be in for the rest of your life. Possible, but statistically unlikely. On the other hand, your career and your resume is something that you will have for the remainder of your working life.

IMO, you should go. If it was meant to be, you two will make it work.

Why do you feel like he would develop resentment towards you? He is an equal participant in creating the long distance, because he's not willing to move with you. It's not like he can't, he chooses not to. That's a fair decision for him to make, but he cannot begrudge you making your own decisions too.

Hi, thank you for your comment. I don’t know if I am thinking rationally about this at all. In our state he doesn’t need to take the licensure exam and can be waived into other states after working here for 3-5 years. The original plan we had was that he would take this exam regardless so that he could live in a different state but now he is saying he likes it here and doesn’t want to leave. That’s his choice and opinion and I don’t want to criticize him for that but I don’t completely understand as he has no friends or family here and will moving to a city that is completely new for him. At the same time I understand that he hasn’t even started his job yet and he needs experience working if he is to move up in his own career. I am okay with long distance but I know it will be hard. I am looking for solutions but I feel like there aren’t any. His solution at the moment is that I postpone my career for one year but I honestly don’t think I can do that. He is now saying if I get into a PhD program outside of this specific state he lives in we will be in a LDL for 5+ years, so now it appears he is hesitant about moving the relationship forwards if I am to pursue any education outside of this state. I apologize I am just using this space to vent but this is bringing me so much stress and heartbreak

[healthyhopes]

I really appreciate all of your comments. I will pursue the master’s program. I hope that we can both be flexible and successfully go through with the long distance. Thanks everyone.