He is broke.

[cnstx82]

Hi! I met a really awesome man about a month ago. We hit it off immediately. He has many qualities I like and we finally met and spent time together this past weekend. I drove a good distance to see him. I had family I hadn’t seen in the area so I didn’t mind and I needed a road trip.

It was a wonderful weekend. I did notice though on our date, he kept looking at his phone at what seemed to be his bank account. He passively mentioned he pays close attention to his “budget” and hearing that made me feel like I had to watch what I was getting to eat from the menu the two times he took me out. He did not offer to pay for my gas since I drove all the way in his direction. I also make candied pecans and he mentioned how much he loved them. I decided to bring him some, and he thanked me but said “how bad he felt” because he didn’t get me anything. When we went to cracker barrel for breakfast, in the shop he found something for his mom for “all she has done for him” and still didn’t get me even something as much as a $1 when i hinted at things in the store i liked.

Come to find out, he just moved back in with his parents after a relationship supposedly ended last month. I didn’t find out until I met up with him that even after they broke up, he was still living with her. He just moved in with his parents a little over a month ago.

He also mentions because of child support, alot of his money goes to that. I understand how that is being a mother myself. I also have rent and bills to pay. He doesn’t seem to be very motivated to get on his feet more and focuses on his truck it seems. He also says he is a “content” man which translates to me as a man in his position he doesn’t plan on doing better anytime soon financially. He is working on improving mentally and emotionally which is great but financially I am not convinced he wants more at this point.

Also, his past girlfriend (according to him) left him because the “spark” was gone, he was on his game too much and she was providing the home (not sure if he paid bills or not). When I asked him about coming this way to see me, he says he could try but doesn’t have the funds to do much. I then tell him that with the money I spent to go see him on hotel and gas I had to watch my budget right now. Radio silence. I gave it a day and told him how I felt and that as much as I like him it’s not fair it all falls on me, that at minimum we should both be taking turns to see each other and maybe right now with his financial situation he should focus on that and wait to date. I have heard nothing but radio silence after him telling me how amazing I am, how he cannot wait to see me, spend time with me, how much he misses me, how amazing I am etc. Even his best friend gets on the phone to talk to me to introduce himself and says that i am a gem and he needs to treat me like gold. We connected so well…even us telling our friends and family. It was so promising. But now I feel invisible, non existent and there has been a shift since we saw each other and I told him I saw it and don’t understand what I did. Advice and thoughts are welcome. Thank you.

Edited April 28 by cnstx82
Misspelled word

[glows]

Do you really suspect it’s something you did? He’s looking for an easy rebound not a full on gf from out of town. You’re spending your energy in all the wrong places with the wrong people looking for the wrong thing. I mean this in the simplistic sense that this is really like drinking a pot full of urine and asking why it doesn’t taste like OJ. He needs time to heal mentally and emotionally and you’re expecting him to start doing better financially only 1 month after moving out from his last relationship. The guy is probably in a state of triage more than anything.

I commend you for being honest and so objective especially when most people feel a gush of heady emotions. Keep keeping your head on straight and leave this one. You’re not compatible and it’s not the right timing.

[basil67]

26 minutes ago, cnstx82 said:

When I asked him about coming this way to see me, he says he could try but doesn’t have the funds to do much. I then tell him that with the money I spent to go see him on hotel and gas I had to watch my budget right now. Radio silence.

I'm afraid you've put in a lot of effort with someone who by either financial choice or circumstance doesn't have the means to be dating.  Honestly, if he couldn't afford to visit you, he should never have wasted your time talking in the first place.   And that something is promising is no guarantee of it working well.

Quote

I gave it a day and told him how I felt and that as much as I like him it’s not fair it all falls on me, that at minimum we should both be taking turns to see each other and maybe right now with his financial situation he should focus on that and wait to date. I have heard nothing but radio silence after him telling me how amazing I am, how he cannot wait to see me, spend time with me, how much he misses me, how amazing I am etc. Even his best friend gets on the phone to talk to me to introduce himself and says that i am a gem and he needs to treat me like gold. We connected so well…even us telling our friends and family. It was so promising. But now I feel invisible, non existent and there has been a shift since we saw each other and I told him I saw it and don’t understand what I did. Advice and thoughts are welcome. Thank you.

I understand that saying this could have been cathartic, but it was completely unnecessary.  When he said that he can't afford to visit you, I think that a short and sweet shut shut down would have been best.  "Well, thanks for wasting my time. Goodbye"  and block him.   This way you put him in his place and don't have to worry about hearing from him again.

Further you didn't do anything wrong, so don't go putting this on yourself.   And don't waste your time telling someone if how they treat you is fair or not because unless they ask for feedback, they aren't going to listen.  This guy is too obtuse to understand what he did wrong anyway.

You've dodged a bullet.  I'd be interested in hearing what his ex has to say about him  

Edited April 28 by basil67

[flitzanu]

that seems like a lot of personal information and diving into each other's financial situations after just one date.  it sounds like you want more from him financially than he is offering, and he doesn't seem interested in offering more to you financially, so it isn't a good match.

 

 

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, cnstx82 said:

Hi! I met a really awesome man about a month ago. We hit it off immediately. He has many qualities I like and we finally met and spent time together this past weekend.

What makes him “awesome”? What are all the qualities you like?

From your description he seems immature and financially ignorant. Is that what you’re attracted to?

[basil67]

I feel like you believed he was awesome....then reality showed the truth to be otherwise

[cnstx82]

I feel terrible for even having to say anything about it. I am not a gold digger. And I don't need fancy or expensive things. But to make all that effort and then to be told "we will see" hurt ALOT. I was really excited about him and understanding of his situation but also needed him to do his part and not leave me feeling that spending time with me wasn't a definite after him saying how much he wanted to.

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, cnstx82 said:

I feel terrible for even having to say anything about it. I am not a gold digger. And I don't need fancy or expensive things. But to make all that effort and then to be told "we will see" hurt ALOT. I was really excited about him and understanding of his situation but also needed him to do his part and not leave me feeling that spending time with me wasn't a definite after him saying how much he wanted to.

Why do you feel terrible?  The guy can't even commit to taking turns driving to see each other

[cnstx82]

Because I don't want him to think I was after money. But everything that happened really irked me and to not even hear from him again....I feel like maybe I didn't say things right or I hurt him. To not even say as much as a goodbye or anything stings. Last I heard from him was Thursday.

[basil67]

59 minutes ago, cnstx82 said:

Because I don't want him to think I was after money. But everything that happened really irked me and to not even hear from him again....I feel like maybe I didn't say things right or I hurt him. To not even say as much as a goodbye or anything stings. Last I heard from him was Thursday.

Kindly, it's please remind yourself that you've just dodged a bullet.  It's time to start counting your blessings that you didn't waste a whole lot of time on him.  

And yes, he might think that you were after his money - and if this is the case, it only proves how clueless the guy was.  He had no business in trying to date if he can't even hold up his end of being able to meet each other.

Edited April 28 by basil67

[semble]

6 hours ago, cnstx82 said:

I had to watch what I was getting to eat from the menu the two times he took me out. He did not offer to pay for my gas since I drove all the way in his direction. 

still didn’t get me even something as much as a $1 when i hinted at things in the store i liked.

 

He took you out to dinner. Why should he pay for your gas? Why are you hinting he buy you something?

The expectations that he buys you things and pays your gas after taking you out to dinner would put me right off.

 

[cnstx82]

He had no idea I felt this way. Never mentioned it and kept it to myself. He claimed how much of a gentleman he was and how much he takes care of a woman....amongst other things. 

[giotto]

Run!

[d0nnivain]

He was under no obligation to pay your gas or buy you something.  You are an adult.  If you want something you buy it for yourself period.  That is what equality means.  

It sounds like he's had a rough time & he's frugal.  Not everybody can spend without a thought. Good for him for making sure he had enough.  You were wrong for mentioning it.  

Then you insulted the guy & you are wondering why he's not chasing you?  Gimme a break.  Leave this man alone.  He needs a partner not a financial drain.  

Edited May 5 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[cnstx82]

Interesting because I never asked about his financial information. He put it all on the table and even more when we met in person. It's not so much the money, it's the lack of effort and feeling blown off.

[Els]

I understand wanting to share the cost of gas since you were driving all the way just to see him, but it's a bit weird to "hint" at stuff you want from the store... especially when you are meeting this man for the first time.

That being said, LDRs take money. Every relationship needs money to survive, but LDRs need it more than most. Because transport costs money, and therefore money is the only way you can see each other. If one partner is broke, every relationship will feel the strain, but an LDR will probably collapse. It's not much of a "relationship" if you're the only one making the move to see the other person.

I think you should cut your losses. You've only met this person once and already there is so much strife.

[ShyViolet]

If I'm understanding correctly this is a guy you have met in person ONCE (spent one weekend together).  Why should he have to pay for your gas or buy you something?  I wouldn't expect a guy to do that, much less a guy I am just newly seeing.  It's a little weird that you expected that.

If you continued to date this guy, you would be entering into a long distance relationship where you have to make a long drive and book a hotel to even see him.  That's absolutely ridiculous.  Why would you take that on?  This money thing and his life situation obviously bothers you.  So cut your losses and end this.  Next time date someone local that doesn't require hours of driving and booking a hotel room every time you see each other.

[SoulCat]

15 hours ago, cnstx82 said:

He is working on improving mentally and emotionally which is great but financially I am not convinced he wants more at this point.

 

Give the man a break. Maybe he wants to get on a more even keel mentally and emotionally first, before trying to rake in the big dollars. Good for him, sounds like a sensible move.

 

[Alpacalia]

I think you're looking at this that if he doesn't spend x, y, z to come see you he doesn't really care for you. See the logical problem here?

He's not in a position to be able to do those things for you. Which means, he probably wouldn't be able to hold his end of the traveling/seeing each other kind of thing.  You have have to do more of the traveling in this relationship. 

Step back and give him space to live - be it with his parents for an extended period of time or what, I think this caught you off guard of guys with fractured lives/difficult past relationships. 

Understand that this is a part of baggage that comes with dating after a certain point and people have lived actual lives and experienced what life offers. If he can't chip in for gas money, and he's passive about setting foot in the gas station convenience store in order to buy his date (even just) a beef jerky or a half-liter of water...then no, it doesn't look especially promising. 

I agree that his financial situation may not be that stable right now and that's something to consider. But regardless, when you're first getting to know someone, I believe it's important to focus on just getting to know each other. If you go into this thinking he doesn't have enough money to date you, then it already affects the dynamic in a certain way and makes it more of a bottom-line issue.

[bpb2017]

19 hours ago, flitzanu said:

that seems like a lot of personal information and diving into each other's financial situations after just one date.  it sounds like you want more from him financially than he is offering, and he doesn't seem interested in offering more to you financially, so it isn't a good match.

 

 

They travelled far to see each other and therefore had a very long date because of the travelling investment. One of many problems with LDRs especially from the start.

18 hours ago, basil67 said:

I feel like you believed he was awesome....then reality showed the truth to be otherwise

Sounds like she had a good time. Maybe she finds him handsome or engaging?

9 hours ago, cnstx82 said:

Interesting because I never asked about his financial information. He put it all on the table and even more when we met in person. It's not so much the money, it's the lack of effort and feeling blown off.

If he put his poor financial circumstances out there from the get go then that's very telling. Take the hint.

6 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

If I'm understanding correctly this is a guy you have met in person ONCE (spent one weekend together).  Why should he have to pay for your gas or buy you something?  I wouldn't expect a guy to do that, much less a guy I am just newly seeing.  It's a little weird that you expected that.

If you continued to date this guy, you would be entering into a long distance relationship where you have to make a long drive and book a hotel to even see him.  That's absolutely ridiculous.  Why would you take that on?  This money thing and his life situation obviously bothers you.  So cut your losses and end this.  Next time date someone local that doesn't require hours of driving and booking a hotel room every time you see each other.

I think she's phrasing herself incorrectly. It sounds like as she made the bulk of the effort and travel expense to see him and she was expecting him to at least cover the costs of the date and the little inexpensive things at a store that would have gone a long way romantically. Reasonable.

 

I would have thought to maybe give the guy a chance and maybe he's in a bad temporary slump but the OP did say she got the impression that he's not planning to do that anytime soon.

There is always two sides of the story but from what OP has said I think it's obvious they are incompatible. 

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, bpb2017 said:

Sounds like she had a good time. Maybe she finds him handsome or engaging?

If she had a good time, she wouldn't be here complaining after just one date

[cnstx82]

I had a great time for the most part, but the fact he isn't even sure he can do his part coming closer to me next weekend because of finances did bother me after the effort I put in. He kept saying how much he missed me and cannot wait to see me. I have been in this position more than once and I just cannot do it anymore. I want a man to put in the effort for once and blow me away with simply trying and simple gestures. 

[bpb2017]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If she had a good time, she wouldn't be here complaining after just one date

If she has a bad time she wouldn't have bothered no?

Sounds like she's disappointed on issues that would make it impossible to have a relationship.

She's a mom. He's paying child support + bad financials. She also travelled far just for a first date which he's aware of, gives the impression of desperation. He wouldn't buy even the tiny things that are a $1 at a store. Whole thing is a mess.

[bpb2017]

4 minutes ago, cnstx82 said:

I had a great time for the most part, but the fact he isn't even sure he can do his part coming closer to me next weekend because of finances did bother me after the effort I put in. He kept saying how much he missed me and cannot wait to see me. I have been in this position more than once and I just cannot do it anymore. I want a man to put in the effort for once and blow me away with simply trying and simple gestures. 

I had some bad grammar on my post above but you should read it.

From what you said, the guy isn't into you. Maybe he's cast a wide web looking for girls to come to him while going through a tough time.

Also as a guy, there is no way we would ever ever disclose poor financials on the first date with a girl we really like unless we're being waterboarded.

There are other things I could say but to sum it up I would move on.

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, bpb2017 said:

If she has a bad time she wouldn't have bothered no?

Sounds like she's disappointed on issues that would make it impossible to have a relationship.

She's a mom. He's paying child support + bad financials. She also travelled far just for a first date which he's aware of, gives the impression of desperation. He wouldn't buy even the tiny things that are a $1 at a store. Whole thing is a mess.

Right? I mean, he could have bought you like a slim jim or something, not to because he "has to buy something for you" but because, hey, let me be romantic and bring the girl a little snack because I've also been sitting for 3 hours before she gets here after driving for an hour. So at least I can offer her a snack, something little, but that would be nice.

Now, I don't think that there is anything necessarily wrong with you being the one initially to do the traveling, but what he says and how he says it, doesn't really show the way...

He says right off the bat he'll pay attention to budget, secondly, he won't get you ANYTHING, then thirdly, if something happens and he has to travel, he's going to have to try, but he highly doubts it. That doesn't leave a good impression.

Maybe he genuinely likes you, but what he's alluding to is that he has limited financial resources/issues with money, so he's not even mentioning the possibility of traveling to you.

Now... I mean, can he fix his truck? I think that would probably be first and foremost for him to do, and since you mentioned he's working on himself and has been open to investing in himself, this is his way of investing in himself, to get his life in order so to speak. Who knows maybe once he downsizes he'll have more time or money to eventually up the relationship that right now would be kind of difficult with him still in that level of transition.