I'm taking a poll

[greyhound]

Hi all, thanks for paticipating. Background before the question: It was roughly a year ago when I proposed. Things were going along fine until in late April or May my ex fiancees sister moved in to the house. We were not living together. Suddenly, my engagement ring was returned to me and I was told that I was a manipulative SOB because I didn't ask her first??!!. I was told that I repeatedly told you I never wanted to get married again, (unless you count "cutsie comments" about "I don't have the marrying gene"), this is not true. I never pressured her about setting a date or any of that stuff. I have tried to be patient and understanding and supportive. A couple of days ago I decided to completely cut all ties and "move on". I have dated since the breakup. We went about 3 months with no contact until the Sunday after Thanksgiving I was Im'ed by an obviously trouble ex. Drinking too much, losing a dog, blahh, blahh, blahh. Again, I tried to be supportive, caring, etc to the point of buying Christmas presents for her and her son. I guess my question is was I wrong to not ask her 1st before giving her the engagement ring?? Personally, I've never heard of such a thing. And/or should I continue with no contact?? I know she is troubled, but when trying to be supportive I am met by "stoney silence". Reaction to Christmas presents was "you really shouldn't have done that". many thanks for taking the time to read this and perhaps answering. Ohh, she is a two time divorcee. So is the sister.I have never been married.

[bluechocolate]

I guess my question is was I wrong to not ask her 1st before giving her the engagement ring??

 

I don't quite get that. Is it that you proposed with the ring? And she's made an issue of that? If so, you weren't wrong - she's just making excuses and hit on the first dumb thing she could think of.

 

And/or should I continue with no contact??

 

Absolutely, and that means not answering any calls from her.

[witabix]

I think your question is,

 

Should you propose before you give an engagement ring?

 

If that is what you are asking, then I would say that the act of proposal and engagement ring giving seems to be tied up as one act.

 

Did you just give her a ring and assume she had said yes? How did you propse/offer the ring?

[greyhound]

Proposed in a restaraunt. Was also her birthday. She did say yes.Engagement ring came with proposal. I have the engagement ring back.

[Outcast]

You need to be clear.

 

First it sounded as if

1. you proposed

2. sister moves in with you

3. person with ring gets mad because you didn't ask her to move in with you

 

but then you ask I guess my question is was I wrong to not ask her 1st before giving her the engagement ring??

 

My assumption is that the person with the ring got mad because you asked the sister to move in instead of asking the person with the ring to move in?

 

Can you try to tell your story again in chronological order? And say which 'her' you mean and what you mean by 'ask'????

[blind_otter]

Yes, please re-tell the story. It was confusing. Whose sister moved into whose house? Do you have any kind of relationship with said sister? Did you talk about marriage prior to the proposal?

 

Sometimes people who have been married and divorced one or more times get gun-shy. They freak out at the prospect of marriage. It's only natural if you've been burned badly, before, to be afraid of fire.

[Scott S]

Interesting story. Clear as mud.

 

If you invited your ex-f's sister to move in without consulting with her first, then yes, I would consider that to be out of line.

 

The adjective I would have used would be "inconsiderate," as opposed to "manipulative SOB." The latter term suggests that this is simply the most recent of a series of issues between you, & what she perceived as an ongoing pattern. From what I read, it appears she also has extensive issues of her own.

 

You may have done well do break this off. Bringing this sort of baggage into a marriage would have been a grave mistake, & likely would have haunted you for some time.

[greyhound]

Sorry all.....HER SISTER MOVED IN WITH HER.......I guess MY confusion with this whole thing is showing through here.....I guess I should have dragged it out more....So....i'll try to answer the specific questions one at a time......

[greyhound]

You are all right. I reread the 1st one and I am confused. Ok, I'll try it again. A year ago, in December, I proposed with an engagement ring. It was also her 50th birthday. She is a 2 time divorcee. I have never been married. She also has a son.We had been a "couple" for 6 years before I proposed. She did say yes. I was NOT pushing for a wedding date, etc. etc. I was trying to give her a sense of confidence. I gave her the engagement ring as a symbol of commitment. I have repeatedly told her such. In about March, her sister, who was coming off a major breakup herself asked if she could stay at her house for awhile. I also have to interject that I had a horrific month at work in May. Suddenly, everything goes "ice cold". I am accused of being a manipulative SOB for giving her an engagement ring she didn't want without consulting her first??!! Also that she repeatedly told me that she never wanted to get married again. Unless you call "cutsie" little remarks such as I don't have the marrying gene as repeatedly telling me she didn't want to get married. So, we eventually break it all off. Call it June. Very little contact except that in September she had major surgery and I did go to visit her in the hospital, but she refused all requests on my part to help her. Now, things roll along. On Thanksgiving weekend I sent her a little note saying I hoped that she had a good Thanksgiving. On the Sunday of that weekend I get an IM where she is basically telling me that a good friend of hers was killed, that one of her dogs was going to have to be euthanized and other assorted tragedies such as excessive drinking, etc. etc. I don't think that I have to state that I really loved this woman. So at this point I'm bleeding. I attempted to be supportive, caring and just trying to be a friend. I finally decided to buy her and her son Christmas presents. In the course of these conversations, I suddenly realized that anytime I tried to say something positive about her or myself that I would be met with "stoney Silence". Hell, I'll admit it, I even tried to flirt a little bit. So, after I gave her the Christmas presents, snuck them up to her house, I was greeted with , by IM, "you shouldn't have done that". Agreed, I shouldn't have. So, I have decided to break off all contact. I was trying to get a sense of whether I was really supposed to have asked her BEFORE I proposed. That is what the poll was all about. I have never heard of such a thing. The second part of my "poll" I will now drop. I've decided I'm just not good at being a "garbage can". I don't want all the trash without any of the good stuff, if that makes any sense. I hope this clears up the confusion. I apologize for the confusion but for the last 6 months I have been one confused man.

[witabix]

Then I would say, you are entitled to propose, she entitled to accept/refuse as she wishes.

 

It seems that you are implying her sister has played some role in turning her away from you.

 

From the last post I would advise moving on, I really understand the trash can without the good stuff comment you made.

 

That can be hard. Understanding only goes so far.

 

Good luck.

[Outcast]

was really supposed to have asked her BEFORE I proposed

 

You are still being confusing. Ask her what? Whether you should propose? (you do know that propose means ask, right?) If you proposed in front of a bunch of people or in such a way where she was put on the spot, I suppose she might have considered it manipulative. If she's just mad because she said yes without thinking and regretted it, it's her problem.

 

For sure leave her alone henceforth.

[Scott S]

One cetainly may propose when he (or she) believes doing so is appropriate. I have never heard of asking for permission, except for asking her father (an antiquated - perhaps obsolete - practice, at least in American culture).

 

It is usually advisable to wait until she says yes before purchasing a ring, for several reasons. First (obviously), in case she declines. Second, your taste in fine jewelry may be different that hers, & since she will be the one wearing the ring, it is thoughtful to let her choose a design she likes.

 

We have undoubtedly seen proposals on TV, at the Super Bowl, World Series, up on the Jumbotron, etc. Personally I would not do this because

 

1. What if she declines, therby humiliating you in front of thousand or millions of people, and

 

2. Such a proposal would really put her on the spot, not a very considerate thing to do.

[greyhound]

Thank You Scott S, Witabix and Outcast. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt. It was a small reataraunt. At one point she had said if I ever got another engagement ring (hint?) that it would be fairly small (3/4 carat) and yellow gold (it was). I also had 30 days to return the ring (no questions asked). I would have too if she had said she wasn't ready. (seriously, no cop out). And yes I told her that. But 6 months later?? I do think SOMETHING happened with the sister there. I am not BLAMING the sister. And the criticsm, 5 months later was that I should have asked her BEFORE I proposed? Still confused? So am I. The father is deceased. I am a bit old fashioned. I would really have liked to have been able to do that. I AM moving on. I would love to hear what a woman thinks of this. But thank you all!!!!

[l13578920001]

some women want to drag things out to suit themselves. They love to make us wait, at least she did not marry you and try to get a divorce later