Girl I went on a few dates with said she has genuine feelings for me, but isn't mentally ready for a relationship?

[Goodguy05]

Looks like you are right a slow fade. And I don't think you did anything wrong. For whatever reason that only she knows she's pulling away. 

[howlzy]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

You don't mention your age or experience.  I suspect you are in high school and she's your first love interest?  Am I right?   If so, not making any moves is much more forgivable than if you were older and with prior romantic experience.

Thing is, taking risks is part getting into a relationship with someone.  If you can get her on another date, initiate hand holding.  If that works, put your arm around her when you're walking or sitting.   And if that works,  kiss her goodbye.   And if something awkward happens like someone's arm getting in a weird position or you accidentally bump noses, just laugh it off

 

 

On 4/27/2024 at 4:48 PM, basil67 said:

Ah, I see.  If you like her, follow up just once more.  If you can't be bothered, leave it be

Tonight I said “would you be good to see each other this Saturday?”

She responded with “I unfortunately cannot do Saturday, I’ve already got plans. I will lyk tomorrow what’s up.” 

Before our last date she literally cancelled plans to see me, lol. 

I reckon if I don’t hear a concrete date tomorrow I’m going to cut my losses and drop her. Honestly this already feels like a soft rejection.

[Goodguy05]

Yep 

2 minutes ago, howlzy said:

 

Tonight I said “would you be good to see each other this Saturday?”

She responded with “I unfortunately cannot do Saturday, I’ve already got plans. I will lyk tomorrow what’s up.” 

Before our last date she literally cancelled plans to see me, lol. 

I reckon if I don’t hear a concrete date tomorrow I’m going to cut my losses and drop her. Honestly this already feels like a soft rejection.

Yep that's not a good sign. You win some you lose some. 

[howlzy]

1 minute ago, Goodguy05 said:

Yep 

Yep that's not a good sign. You win some you lose some. 

Such a shame. I thought it was going well. I’ll update you guys tomorrow. 

[giotto]

She is not into you. She gave it a go and realised you are not the right type for her. You don't go from enthusiastic to replying after hours if you are still interested. My 2 cents.

[howlzy]

15 minutes ago, giotto said:

She is not into you. She gave it a go and realised you are not the right type for her. You don't go from enthusiastic to replying after hours if you are still interested. My 2 cents.

Be brutally, honest where do you think I went wrong?

[giotto]

6 minutes ago, howlzy said:

Be brutally, honest where do you think I went wrong?

I don't think you went wrong anywhere. Maybe you could have kissed her but I don't think that's the reason she stopped communicating (mostly) with you. She could have kissed you too! I personally believe she came to the conclusion that you two weren't a perfect match. It happens. Don't overthink it and don't get fixated on it. You seem to be a nice guy and you will have plenty of other opportunities.

[d0nnivain]

22 hours ago, howlzy said:

Of course I’m into her. She should know it. Why would I offer to hold hands with her like that if I wasn’t, and why would i ask her out on another date?

Nobody can read your mind. ,Your failure to kiss her is driving this.  She had a BF before & he kissed her.   You haven't.   Maybe I can understand not pushing on the 1st date but after 3 dates with no meaningful romantic contact -- hand holding isn't enough -- she has concluded that you are not into her & she's doing the soft fade. 

My husband waited until our 3rd date to kiss me.  I was frustrated & bewildered by his behavior.  If he hadn't kissed me that night  I was fully prepared to dump him.  

Women like confident men.  That doesn't mean you should be a c0cky jerk or toxic male.  But it's OK to take the lead.  If you are concerned about being too pushy or coming on too strong, you ask permission, e.g.  May I kiss you goodnight?   As the 1st kiss you don't shove your tongue down her throat, slobber all over her face or practically give the woman a tonsillectomy but you do press your lips to hers gently. 

 

[howlzy]

On 4/28/2024 at 8:50 PM, giotto said:

I don't think you went wrong anywhere. Maybe you could have kissed her but I don't think that's the reason she stopped communicating (mostly) with you. She could have kissed you too! I personally believe she came to the conclusion that you two weren't a perfect match. It happens. Don't overthink it and don't get fixated on it. You seem to be a nice guy and you will have plenty of other opportunities.

I sent her a message, essentially saying that I want a definitive answer as to whether she wants to see me again. I said I’m fine to be just friends.

She didn’t respond.

I think… from what I’ve read… she was leading me on. The red flags were there.

1. She broke up a relationship with an abusive ex only December last year.

2. She was extremely hot and cold. Never consistent. Either in love with me or nothing.

3. I would make moves on dates and she wouldn’t reciprocate, not until the third once where she finally cut ties.

[Sony12]

2 minutes ago, howlzy said:

I sent her a message, essentially saying that I want a definitive answer as to whether she wants to see me again. I said I’m fine to be just friends.

She didn’t respond.

I think… from what I’ve read… she was leading me on. The red flags were there.

1. She broke up a relationship with an abusive ex only December last year.

2. She was extremely hot and cold. Never consistent. Either in love with me or nothing.

3. I would make moves on dates and she wouldn’t reciprocate, not until the third once where she finally cut ties.

Little is more of a turnoff than someone who demands a definitive answer. Congrats. Whatever chances you still had with her is now over. Only demand definitive answers if you are in a serious relationship with them.

[howlzy]

1 minute ago, Sony12 said:

Little is more of a turnoff than someone who demands a definitive answer. Congrats. Whatever chances you still had with her is now over. Only demand definitive answers if you are in a serious relationship with them.

I needed to know because we work together. 

[Sony12]

Just now, howlzy said:

I needed to know because we work together. 

I suggest you don't get into anymore workplace romances as you definitely don't handle them well. 

[howlzy]

8 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

I suggest you don't get into anymore workplace romances as you definitely don't handle them well. 

Explain in what way I didn’t handle this well?

[Sony12]

9 minutes ago, howlzy said:

Explain in what way I didn’t handle this well?

You what had three dates with the girl? Never had sex and from what you described in your posts here it seems the most you two did was hold hands (doesn't even seem like you two even kissed).

And here you are demanding answers like she somehow owes you something. So you definitely don't need to be getting into any more workplace romances if you get worked up over so little.

 

 

 

[howlzy]

8 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

You what had three dates with the girl? Never had sex and from what you described in your posts here it seems the most you two did was hold hands (doesn't even seem like you two even kissed).

And here you are demanding answers like she somehow owes you something. So you definitely don't need to be getting into any more workplace romances if you get worked up over so little.

 

 

 

She doesn’t owe me anything, never what I implied. I also tried making moves on her a few times but she didn’t reciprocate.

After the second date, she texted me and said that she likes to take things slow (in retrospect, huge red flag). Going on 2 dates without even letting me escalate? 

From what I can tell, she was leading me on from the beginning and I was right to get answers rather than just leaving things in limbo and having us working together extremely awkward. I said I’m okay to be friends. 

I’ve spoken to multiple people including female friends, you are the ONLY one who thinks that I shouldn’t have laid out things clearly.

Edited April 29 by howlzy

[howlzy]

9 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

You what had three dates with the girl? Never had sex and from what you described in your posts here it seems the most you two did was hold hands (doesn't even seem like you two even kissed).

And here you are demanding answers like she somehow owes you something. So you definitely don't need to be getting into any more workplace romances if you get worked up over so little.

 

 

 

AND if it turns out that she actually was playing stupid games with me the whole time and me being straight with her turned her off… screw her? Why would I want to be in a relationship with someone immature like that?

[Sony12]

1 minute ago, howlzy said:

She doesn’t owe me anything, never what I implied. I also tried making moves on her a few times but she didn’t reciprocate.

After the second date, she texted me and said that she likes to take things slow (in retrospect, huge red flag). Going on 2 dates without even letting me escalate? 

From what I can tell, she was leading me on from the beginning and I was right to get answers rather than just leaving things in limbo and having us working together extremely awkward. I said I’m okay to be friends. 

I’ve spoken to multiple people, you are the ONLY one who thinks that I shouldn’t have laid out things clearly.

 

Learn to take queue's of when people are interested or not interested. All you are doing by not figuring things out for yourselves is making an already awkward situation even more uncomfortable.

Have you ever dated anyone before?

[howlzy]

2 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

 

Learn to take queue's of when people are interested or not interested. All you are doing by not figuring things out for yourselves is making an already awkward situation even more uncomfortable.

Have you ever dated anyone before?

Yes. And usually if I was being slow faded like this I would drop them no question because I never have to see them again anyway. NOT when I have to encounter them regularly. 

Edited April 29 by howlzy

[d0nnivain]

56 minutes ago, howlzy said:

I needed to know because we work together. 

You are right to cut ties outside of work but mature enough to recognize that you do need to be professional at work.  It will be awkward at first but since she can't even bother to answer you, you know she's an avoidant person so as long as you don't start something there should be no drama at work.  

Sorry it didn't work out.  It's good that you were respectful but going forward toward your next relationship understand that you can be assertive without being overbearing. Good luck. 

[howlzy]

Just now, d0nnivain said:

You are right to cut ties outside of work but mature enough to recognize that you do need to be professional at work.  It will be awkward at first but since she can't even bother to answer you, you know she's an avoidant person so as long as you don't start something there should be no drama at work.  

Sorry it didn't work out.  It's good that you were respectful but going forward toward your next relationship understand that you can be assertive without being overbearing. Good luck. 

Thank you for the kind words. You’ve been very understanding this whole thread and I appreciate it. Can you elaborate on what you mean by being “assertive without overbearing,” maybe through examples?

[howlzy]

9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You are right to cut ties outside of work but mature enough to recognize that you do need to be professional at work.  It will be awkward at first but since she can't even bother to answer you, you know she's an avoidant person so as long as you don't start something there should be no drama at work.  

Sorry it didn't work out.  It's good that you were respectful but going forward toward your next relationship understand that you can be assertive without being overbearing. Good luck. 

Do you think I was too mean? My intention was to be direct with her. 

[Sony12]

30 minutes ago, howlzy said:

Yes. And usually if I was being slow faded like this I would drop them no question because I never have to see them again anyway. NOT when I have to encounter them regularly. 

That's on you then for choosing to go on dates with someone you have to be around regularly when you probably aren't ready for that yet.

How she acted was completely normal in situations where there isn't much chemistry. 

[d0nnivain]

1 minute ago, howlzy said:

Do you think I was too mean? My intention was to be direct with her. 

Not in the slightest.  It's OK to be direct.  Direct even blunt is not mean.  It's simply forthright which some people can't handle.  That is not your problem.  You are allowed to stick up for yourself in your own life.  

[d0nnivain]

11 minutes ago, howlzy said:

 Can you elaborate on what you mean by being “assertive without overbearing,” maybe through examples?

The kiss thing.  You wanted a kiss but also wanted to be respectful.  IMO you could have been assertive but not overbearing by asking for the kiss.  Overbearing would have been planting a kiss on someone out of the blue without them expecting it. 

Assertive is saying that you have a preference for a particular movie or restaurant for the date.  Overbearing is not hearing the other person out about why they don't want to see that movie or eat in that restaurant. 

[howlzy]

6 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

That's on you then for choosing to go on dates with someone you have to be around regularly when you probably aren't ready for that yet.

How she acted was completely normal in situations where there isn't much chemistry. 

Maybe she didn’t see it the same way, but to me the chemistry was there. Conversation flowed effortlessly and we made each other smile and laugh the whole time. Our second date lasted for over 8 hours. I don’t know why she wouldn’t think there was chemistry, but oh well. 

What the hell do you mean I’m probably not ready for it yet?