sick of it Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 So its mu birthday today. Ive been dreading it. i got this IM from my ex... "Happy Birthday, ---. I would like to call you later, but since it's your day I don't want to make things awkward for you. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you, and I hope you have a great day. " ive been wondering if she would contact me. i didnt contact her last month on her birthday because i couldnt talk to her without crying or having my birthday wishes mean more than they should. weve been on a "break" since may and broken up since august. she has someone else...the guy she dumped me for since september. i miss her uncontrollably still and ive been doing the no contact thing for about a month. the last time we talked we argued and she said not to call her and she wouldnt call me. She told me "merry christmas and happy early birthday" this was the beginning of december. i got a call last week from her that i answered saying mery christmas and we chit chatted for a little bit. now she IMs me and is going to call me. I dont think im going to answer. but i still love her and it means so much that shes calling. i want nothing more than to talk to her and be with her but i cant knowing shes in a "serious" relationship. i feel so immature and pathetic that i cant do it. its been so long and i still cant think of anyone but her. i want to spill my guyts everytime i talk to her but its not appropriate and i know she doesnt want to hear it. i dont know what to do. help
bendit Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 I realize you don't want to hear this message but it might sink in someday and others might read this and learn something. The reason you hurt is you are in regular contact with her and its all on her terms. You accept table scraps realizing the new guy is getting the main course, probably several times a week. You settle for that and it breaks you down into itty bitty pieces and you wonder why it hurts. It hurts because YOU won't allow yourself to heal. You made the claim that you couldn't be angry that she has another guy doing to her what you used to do. That's because you don't have the STRENGTH to be angry. Your pain is so great (and this fact does hurt you so) that you can't muster the energy to get angry with her, with yourself, with the way things are. That anger would help you move on, and eventually out of the anger and pain and onto something better for yourself The other aspect to all this is you are massaging her ego, giving this ignorant person the royal treatment. Think about it. She has one guy that she is intimate with and she knows that you are just "sick" about her, pining away and can't move on with your life. She says geee I must be so SPECIAL! She loves it!! And she has little incentive to change. What an awful awful message to get on your birthday. Here's what she said: "I want you to have a great BDAY and wanted to tell you so, even though I realize I shouldn't because its actually very cruel to do this!" She doesn't realize that she is half the problem here. Terrrible pain is being inflicted here and she doesn't understand her role in it. I hate to see someone suffer like this at their own hand. They pick excruciating pain day after day after day, instead of the choice to experience the real but temporary pain of going through the withdrawal from their powerful addiction to another person, which will HAVE to be done eventually. Even if you got back together with this person on January 1, nothing would be different because you aren't different and your time together would be limited. You are still the same needy dependent person who is looking OUTSIDE, like an addict does, to another person, to THIS person, for your happiness and satisfaction. You say over and over that you can't be happy unless she, the target of your addiction, is in your life. That my friend is an AWFUL place to be, for you and for HER. That neediness, that desire for a fix, becomes the central component of any intimate relationship and eventually will DESTROY it. It saddens me that you are going to keep doing this to yourself INTO 2006 when you have the power to change this right now. If only you would. This is an opportunity for you to learn about yourself and discover insights into why this relationship did not work. It is an opportunity to learn that you don't actually NEED anybody, that you can survive and find happiness and a life in solitude if NEED BE. But so far you aren't seizing this opportunity. Best of luck and I sincerely hope that you recognize that YOU are the source of your own misery. This is your choice. I hope you really really get "sick of it" and realize that you can begin to heal TODAY. regards
Author sick of it Posted December 30, 2005 Author Posted December 30, 2005 Bendit, i dont know what to say to that. youre right that i dont have the strength to be angry. i dont know how to get angry with her. it sounds stupid, but if i get angry i push her away, even when shes already gone. i know it doesnt make sense...but it does in a way. shed be gone and even though thats the goal, i dont want it. i dont think im massaging her ego. the last time i said anything about pining or missing her or anything was a long time ago. and though i still feel it and want to tell her, i dont let her know. i dont say it. im also by myself with none of my friends around. i moved to the area for her and have had to stay here because of work arrangements. im leaving in january. but i havent been around people, or my support net. im clinging to the only thing around me that i know. thats why i havent been enjoying life. i have no one around me to share anything with. why is that wrong? why is that bad to want to share? ive never been needy. never. its very strange that ive become "needy" since the breakup. ive missed her more since the breakup. i dont contact her in hopes that my feelings go away. i havent been able to date because of lack of knowing anyone and the fact that ive had no desire to with anyone else...and i feel guilty doing it because i feel the way i feel. bendit, this whole thing saddens me too. i never thought i would be like this. and it saddens me more that i look at her and how shes moved on and is strong enough to contact me and be with someone else and i cant even look at a picture of her. im constantly comparing how i should feel to how she is now. i know i dont NEED anyone. i dont wnat anyone. just her. if i needed anyone wouldnt i go and get ANYONE? its her. and im dealing with the fact that im not loved back. thats hurts a lot obviously...and that its so easy for her to hand it to someone else.
slubberdegullion Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 First of all, Happy Birthday! Bendit has it right on, btw. There is much wisdom there.
pippen_2k Posted December 31, 2005 Posted December 31, 2005 Happy birthday for yesterday! Hopefully your new years resolution will be making changes to help get over her.
Kengne II Posted December 31, 2005 Posted December 31, 2005 I realize you don't want to hear this message but it might sink in someday and others might read this and learn something. The reason you hurt is you are in regular contact with her and its all on her terms. You accept table scraps realizing the new guy is getting the main course, probably several times a week. You settle for that and it breaks you down into itty bitty pieces and you wonder why it hurts. It hurts because YOU won't allow yourself to heal. You made the claim that you couldn't be angry that she has another guy doing to her what you used to do. That's because you don't have the STRENGTH to be angry. Your pain is so great (and this fact does hurt you so) that you can't muster the energy to get angry with her, with yourself, with the way things are. That anger would help you move on, and eventually out of the anger and pain and onto something better for yourself The other aspect to all this is you are massaging her ego, giving this ignorant person the royal treatment. Think about it. She has one guy that she is intimate with and she knows that you are just "sick" about her, pining away and can't move on with your life. She says geee I must be so SPECIAL! She loves it!! And she has little incentive to change. What an awful awful message to get on your birthday. Here's what she said: "I want you to have a great BDAY and wanted to tell you so, even though I realize I shouldn't because its actually very cruel to do this!" She doesn't realize that she is half the problem here. Terrrible pain is being inflicted here and she doesn't understand her role in it. I hate to see someone suffer like this at their own hand. They pick excruciating pain day after day after day, instead of the choice to experience the real but temporary pain of going through the withdrawal from their powerful addiction to another person, which will HAVE to be done eventually. Even if you got back together with this person on January 1, nothing would be different because you aren't different and your time together would be limited. You are still the same needy dependent person who is looking OUTSIDE, like an addict does, to another person, to THIS person, for your happiness and satisfaction. You say over and over that you can't be happy unless she, the target of your addiction, is in your life. That my friend is an AWFUL place to be, for you and for HER. That neediness, that desire for a fix, becomes the central component of any intimate relationship and eventually will DESTROY it. It saddens me that you are going to keep doing this to yourself INTO 2006 when you have the power to change this right now. If only you would. This is an opportunity for you to learn about yourself and discover insights into why this relationship did not work. It is an opportunity to learn that you don't actually NEED anybody, that you can survive and find happiness and a life in solitude if NEED BE. But so far you aren't seizing this opportunity. Best of luck and I sincerely hope that you recognize that YOU are the source of your own misery. This is your choice. I hope you really really get "sick of it" and realize that you can begin to heal TODAY. regards Amazingly & scaringly insightful. K.
RZA-Man Posted December 31, 2005 Posted December 31, 2005 Happy Birthday!! I was in the same situation almost two weeks and unlike you I never got a b-day wish from the ex. All I can say is to take everyone's advice and avoid the ex! NC is the way to go. It's harder than it sounds, I'm personally struggling with maintaining it. But for your sake go with NC. You'll be stronger because of it. It sucks not knowing anyone. If it helps go on Craigslist. Not to meet people to date, but people to hang with. You have nothing to lose. Since you're leaving pretty soon, why not kill time by trying to make friends? Happy b-day and good luck with everything! Be strong!
Author sick of it Posted December 31, 2005 Author Posted December 31, 2005 she called....i didnt pick up
JS17 Posted December 31, 2005 Posted December 31, 2005 she called....i didnt pick up *round of applause* good job
Recommended Posts