jen_jen_heartbroken Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 A man will wine and dine a woman, give her flowers and cards and little gifts for the first few months....call her every day...shower her with affection...make plans with her. One day he gets up the nerve to tell her he loves her. She says it back. Things are great for a couple more months. And then BAM. All the romance stops. Why do men do this???? And how do us women get it back?
justagirliegirl Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 I hear ya and frankly I am sick of it. If I had been smarter in my younger years, I would have dumped every single one who did that the first time they did it.
d'Arthez Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 But how realistic is it to expect that both man and woman will be on their best behaviors well into their 80's when courting / being married to a (wo)man? Not so realistic, I think. Wining and dining is fun - but if the bills accrued for a month are over $10,000 and you only make $5K a month, then the fun has to stop. And how realistic is the romantic notion in the first place? Think of the biology (and perhaps even evolutionary limits men and women have) to deal with relationships? These are not my views, but I can imagine that it works a bit like this: There may be a security issue: "I have my woman now" hence, there is no reason to engage in these behaviors anymore. Because those behaviors are advertised as being real - sometimes as the only way to love, even - it is not hard to pick up the necessary skills and ideas to "know" what the other person wants. It is a crude psychology, yes - but it apparently works for many people. And after the conquest - why even bother? After all, you have been part of the trade, and accepted the package - the rest was merely a necessity at the time.
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted December 30, 2005 Author Posted December 30, 2005 And after the conquest - why even bother? Why bother? Because if you love someone you want to make them feel wanted, desired and special to you. I'm not suggesting that it has to be all wine and roses for the rest of your lives, but all the romance shouldn't stop.
roxyg Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 I agree with the D'Arthez, I would also like to add, that women can put in just as much as men. Don't expect the guy to take you out every night, it's just not logical. Do something for him too, to spark that romance, take him out for a change. Just because a man is not taking you out, buying you flowers, etc. does not mean he does not want to be romantic, it could just mean that he wants a break, and some extra change in his pocket. Take a step back from the situation, if you are putting in effort as well, and not receiving anything back, then talk to him about it.
Outcast Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 People engage in abnormal behaviours sanctioned by society as methods to attract and win a mate. Does the mythical guy take his friends out for dinner? Does he buy gifts for friends and family spontaneously? Then if it's not a regular pattern of behaviour for him, why expect it to continue. Why go out to dinner if you're living in the same house and have food to eat? On the flip side, do you continue all your courting ways? Do you take three hours to get ready to make sure you're perfect every time he sees you? Do you do the extra things? The chemicals which addle people's brains at the beginning of relationships wear off after about six months (theory they will last up to about three years but six months to a year seems more common). Once you realize that the ideal human you thought you'd picked out is a normal, regular person, you're less motivated to behave in adoring ways. None of this is to say that BOTH people shouldn't take care to show their love, but to expect that courting behaviour is a person's normal way of being is just setting yourself up for repeated disappointments.
lindya Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 People engage in abnormal behaviours sanctioned by society as methods to attract and win a mate. Sorry to go off topic, but Outcast - I think in the new year you and d'Arthez should make a documentary about human courtship. I would like to hear the hushed tones of David Attenbourgh reading your script... "Observe how during courtship, like many other animals, both the male and the female will use strange noises and colourful displays to attract sexual attention. Once this initial phase has been completed successfully, the male will enter the hominis abnormalis stage of courtship - during which he will engage in a number of activities which to us, the detached observer, may seem peculiar. Watch how he arrives at the female's nest carrying a selection of flowers, in a gesture which many anthropologists believe is designed to remind the female of her own sexual organs. Bizarrely, he will then transport the female to an enclosed and seated area where she will be attended by other males who bring her food and wine. Whilst this may see, to us, a risky ploy, as a general rule, the female will not mate with any of these other males. Or, at least, not until her tempus romanticis phase of courtship with this male has been completed."
blind_otter Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 There was a fantastic documentary series on TLC about human sexual behavior with some overly enthusiastic British man describe sexuality and arousal in dry, overly-intellectual tones. You would love it, Lindya. I figure that the romance dries up about the time you stop getting all prettified and he regularly sees you with no makeup and sweats. That's my guess. In all romances it seems like the love relationship evolves into a companionate kind of love. Like my parents, married 35 years, they act like old army buddies or something, I swear. But can you really be all hot and heavy and such when you might hurt your hip? snark. Every relationship evolves and changes. If it stayed exactly the same, it would be boring!
lindya Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 There was a fantastic documentary series on TLC about human sexual behavior with some overly enthusiastic British man describe sexuality and arousal in dry, overly-intellectual tones. You would love it, Lindya. That sounds like Mr A! He's a national treasure Sir David A, I should say.
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted December 30, 2005 Author Posted December 30, 2005 I figure that the romance dries up about the time you stop getting all prettified and he regularly sees you with no makeup and sweats. I always get prettied up for my guy...even if we're just going for a coffee. I don't think he's ever seen me with no makeup and in sweats.
Lucasarts Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 who says its the guy? hell it could also be the girl's fault here the point of relationships is trying to keep it fresh, if a guy is wining and dining the ladies all the time, of course its gonna get dull and boring. and if a guy keeps buying you flowers all the time? wow after the first few times, its like enough already/this sucks. The reason we stop doing the same things over and over again is b/c...well it gets boring. the key is to plan things during the moment. And girls gotta surprise their guys as well, a relationship requires that they do more then just dolling up for some play or movie. the cost of keeping it fresh also doesnt need to be necessarily high, i mean just taking walks on the beach or something like that doesn't cost anything. have you ever tried making a meal with the one you love? that can be more fun and sexy then simply going out to eat. Plus it saves you a couple bucks for a surprise thing/gift later on.
blind_otter Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Well jeeez, sounds like he's jsut a charming a-hole, there are literally tons of guys like this (and girls, I must say) -- they figure out what you prefer or like, and mirror that back to you, all the while disguising their real personality, which can be completely hidden for approximately 3-6 months, but eventually it will come out and they you'll be like, hey, where did my loving, attentive gentleman go? Then you have two options, (a) walk away (preferred) or// (b) stay and create more drama to lure him back to seducing you with his charm. Wow that sounded awfully bitter. But if you're not at the no makeup and sweats stage and he's already being like this, it doesn't bode well. You should wait until both parties are complacent before cooling your heels, IMO.
Tankgirl Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 OMG Lindya! That was the best documentery impression ever! I nearly choked on my coffee!! The 'wooing' phase is temporary always has been always will be. I like to send my guy little reminders that I like extra attention from time to time. Last week I taped a note to the back of his deoderant (so he would find it at an unexpected time) that was a short list of all the things I dig about him. I came home to wine and roses that evening. It was a nice surprise. On the whole I would say that if I make the effort to do something special, guys return the favor. Guys need the occasional romantic jumpstart too, all too often women expect the man to take the lead and own this side of things. It needs to be a two way street IMO
blind_otter Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Yeah, but 3 years into a relationship it's not the same as the initial flush of romance.Or even 3 months, I should say. We don't live in a Harlequin Romance Novel (nod to Pocky, of LS'ers past)
Outcast Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 There was a fantastic documentary series on TLC about human sexual behavior with some overly enthusiastic British man describe sexuality and arousal in dry, overly-intellectual tones. You would love it, Lindya. Yep, lindya, you're a little late with your idea. The show I saw was The Nature of Sex on PBS. It was almost exactly the way your script went LOL. That was where I learned that cleavage is attractive because it resembles buttocks!
blind_otter Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Yep, lindya, you're a little late with your idea. The show I saw was The Nature of Sex on PBS. It was almost exactly the way your script went LOL. That was where I learned that cleavage is attractive because it resembles buttocks! And women wear lipstick to mimic the rosy blush on their labia.
Outcast Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 And women wear lipstick to mimic the rosy blush on their labia. Right!! Forgot about that one
blind_otter Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Apparently we make ourselves up to make the front end mimic the back end. Oh the fashion foibles that just popped into my head.
Outcast Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 We should be glad we don't have the back ends of babboons. Imagine how much that would cost in makeup purchases? :lmao:
Lifestream Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 I remember with my last gf I was enthralled with her, but near the end it kept feeling like the same old same old, and that does get boring. Being in control all the time gets boring, routine gets boring. I think it's idealistic to want a relationship that is constantly romantic. Romance is hard to explain sometimes...
dnm1010 Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 i am getting married to my best friend and ive known him for 8 yrs.. nothing has changed. hes never been romantic and he still isnt.. i think its about being realistic with yourself and ur partner from the begining.
Lifestream Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Yeah, I totally agree. It reminds me of that Gwen Stefani song "We're Cool." Not the best example, but I mean it's about enjoying every minute you're together whether it's romantic or not. Just keep interest in each other. That's how it was with my ex before she decided to become clingy. It'd be enough that we were in each other's prescence, that made us happy enough. Everything else was icing on the cake.
clandestinidad Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 I'm really suprised no males have come on here and reversed the question to: why does a girl start out being fun and laid back about our relationship, and then a couple months later BAM, she nags and complains about nearly everything, and wants more more more?!? I think its all b/c we've been taught how to snag someone by being what they dream of, and then after becomming comfortable our true inherant natures come out. Think about it....men act more 'feminine' when trying to get a girl, and women act more 'masculine'
JS17 Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Just start dating @ssholes like I do and you won't have to worry about this problem.
Lifestream Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 I'm really suprised no males have come on here and reversed the question to: why does a girl start out being fun and laid back about our relationship, and then a couple months later BAM, she nags and complains about nearly everything, and wants more more more?!? I think its all b/c we've been taught how to snag someone by being what they dream of, and then after becomming comfortable our true inherant natures come out. Think about it....men act more 'feminine' when trying to get a girl, and women act more 'masculine' Well that's exactly why I broke up with my gf. It wasnt the best way to do it, but I just started avoiding her because I wouldn't be given much space even when I asked for it. I had to stop taking her calls, I had to avoid her to feel any sense of autonomy. Romance isn't spending every waking moment with the person you love. That's just insane.
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