I 20M want to break up with my girlfriend 19F but don't wonna make a rash decision

[Imadolphin]

I have been dating my girlfriend for about six months and I recently found out some information I am not comfortable with. Overall my girlfriend treats me very well but I do still get anxious time to time bc I knew she had a history but I didn’t know it was to this extent.  I do too so I didn’t care too much but I still have had my moments of insecurity.  It was the mourning after my birthday and i was extremely hungover. My girlfriend sleeps way longer than me so I decided I was gonna go on her phone(witch btw I have permission to whenever I want and she has permission to do the same with me). Doing this I found out she has lied about some things at the beginning of our relationship witch wasn’t the biggest deal bc I did too.   What really has me reconsidering our realtionship is that I found out that she has had a 4 sum with 3 men before and has also offered sex in exchange for blow.  These actions really gross me out and I don’t know if I can trust someone that has done these things.   I haven’t told her about any of this yet and I’m planning on just ending things respectfully but I can’t get myself to do it.

[glows]

If the evidence is truly that specific and without room for any doubt she actually did those things and you’ve lost respect for her or your feelings have changed then yes, I think it’s kinder to end it sooner rather than later.

You don’t need to outline the minute details why you want to break up. Keeping it civil is usually best. 

Some qs: Is she an addict or does she have addictions? Why bother going through each others phones? I tend to think it’s a sick habit and keeps perpetuating that you don’t trust one another. You finally found what you’ve been searching for - the evidence that she’s a bad person. Are you satisfied? When would it have stopped? Until you both destroy one another and find all the reasons to dump one another? Please explain so I understand better the logic behind going through phones.

 

[Imadolphin]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

If the evidence is truly that specific and without room for any doubt she actually did those things and you’ve lost respect for her or your feelings have changed then yes, I think it’s kinder to end it sooner rather than later.

You don’t need to outline the minute details why you want to break up. Keeping it civil is usually best. 

Some qs: Is she an addict or does she have addictions? Why bother going through each others phones? I tend to think it’s a sick habit and keeps perpetuating that you don’t trust one another. You finally found what you’ve been searching for - the evidence that she’s a bad person. Are you satisfied? When would it have stopped? Until you both destroy one another and find all the reasons to dump one another? Please explain so I understand better the logic behind going through phones.

 

Logic behind the phone thing is I thought she cheated on me awhile back it’s a very complicated situation there though when I came over to work stuff out she offered to let me look through it. Once you have done it once though it makes u want to do it whenever your anxiou. This all happened before I knew and I do think she has problems with Cokaine but I got her to do it way less. it’s also one of the calmer relationships I’ve been in we never disagree about anything or fight it was just that one incident witch caused me to look through it the first time.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Imadolphin said:

What really has me reconsidering our realtionship is that I found out that she has had a 4 sum with 3 men before and has also offered sex in exchange for blow.  

Are you outraged because she lied to you when asked about these past actions, or simply because she did them? 

Are you afraid that she is still into doing those things? 

What’s her current view of those events? Does she have any regrets?

1 hour ago, Imadolphin said:

These actions really gross me out and I don’t know if I can trust someone that has done these things.

What does trust have to do with that? 

Has she betrayed your trust before? Has she given you any reason to suspect that she isn’t trustworthy? 

Is she addicted to drugs now?

Edited April 23, 2024 by Gebidozo

[glows]

1 hour ago, Imadolphin said:

Logic behind the phone thing is I thought she cheated on me awhile back it’s a very complicated situation there though when I came over to work stuff out she offered to let me look through it. Once you have done it once though it makes u want to do it whenever your anxiou. This all happened before I knew and I do think she has problems with Cokaine but I got her to do it way less. it’s also one of the calmer relationships I’ve been in we never disagree about anything or fight it was just that one incident witch caused me to look through it the first time.

Do you want to go into the cheating? Explain a bit more what happened. You seem on the fence about this woman (break up/don’t break up)and maybe it has nothing to do with what you found on her phone now but that you’re still bitter or resentful about how she’s treated you or if she’s cheated. Have you also cheated on her? 

How can there have been no disagreements when she has done a lot of cocaine and now she doesn’t and she cheated on you before? I don’t imagine things going over very well or a couple not fighting to the point of destruction on topics like this. Let me put it this way: why are you with her if you don’t like her or don’t trust her?

[d0nnivain]

The ability to look in someone's phone is no substitute for trust.  

If her past repulses you, end the relationship.  It's not rash to not want to have to tell your kids someday that mommy did these things.