what to do with cheating gf

[RunningonEmpty]

I dont know how to say this.. so i'll just go for it.

 

I've been with this girl for nearly 4yrs, and the last 2 months she has been acting strange... I asked her whats going on and all i got was nothing.. like nothing is wrong.

 

So on christmas eve, a friend of mine tells me that he saw her with a guy, on a day she told me that she was working (she came home early from our holiday to work). So I quizzed and I got denial....... it's taken 5 days to find out what happened.. through my own work with friends/family and figuring the puzzle out.. she never told the truth to me even when my friend caught her out.

 

How did i find out 100% ? I did my own PI work... and last night I caught her out with the guy with my own eyes... so i've had a great christmas . I hoped i wasn't going to find anything.. but i guess the truth hurts.

 

Apart from wanting to rip my guts out, i'm caught between my heart and my head. I've always had a zero tolerance on cheating.. and I warned her years ago that if she did i would get rid of her.

 

we live together, and she is back at home.. we are trying to work through this.. but i'm confused.. I dont know how to approach this. Should I try and work it through with her ? or should I just take it on the chin and find someone else, i'm really lost in how to cope with this ordeal.

 

As far as i'm aware she has never done anything like this before, whenever she looks at me in the eyes she just cries and says sorry. I have been advised that it only got as far as kissing..but she had been doing this for about 1-2 months..going out, coffee with the other guy.

 

How do i tackle this ? the fact that i've felt like crap the last 5 days hits hard.. and gets me so angry I just want to kick her out. I've always given stuff to her on a silver platter..and in the end she used my things to be with him, and if I didn't do my own PI work I would never of found out the truth.

 

please help

[newbby]

its a tricky one. maybe you should post in infidelity and read up and see how they handled things. it is important to make it clear that you will not tolerate this in your relationship, but at the same time that you are prepared to work through this and give her another chance.

it is also important to get to the bottom of this. is she crying only out of guilt or is she scared to lose you? my instinct is to take a break and work it out individually, tell her to go and decide what she really wants before coming back to you. however, i am not sure if this kind of thing really works if she is feeling a freshness with the other guy. hmm, yes, i am not really sure about that one.

maybe you are best off keeping the closeness you have, without becoming a stranger to her.

what are your thoughts?

[JayKay]

People who cheat need consequences.

 

My advice is to tell her you need space to sort things out. She will need to stay elsewhere for a few months.

 

The realities of

 

* moving out

 

* being physically seperated from you

 

* having the idea of losing you forver hit home

 

 

should teach her you mean business.

 

 

As much you'd probably just like to forgive and forget, you have to hit cheaters hard the FIRST time you catch it!

 

After a few months, when you let her move back (don't let her know you're planning to...keep her guessing) tell her, "Second time this happens, we're done for good"

 

You have to be a hard ass. Seriously.

[witabix]

People who cheat need consequences.

.........................

You have to be a hard ass. Seriously.

 

JayKay is dead right.

 

You may choose to forgive, to forget is an entirely different matter.

 

This will haunt you for a very long time. Such a clear breach of trust is difficult to repair. It is not impossible to repair.

 

One of the reasons I agree with JK's hard ass comment is because you have to be hard with yourself also. It is a hard thing to end a long relationship, it may be the best you can do though. You have to protect yourself from people who hurt you and breach your trust.

 

Your decision though is yours.

 

I would not countenance such behavior. One instance would end it for me regardless of length of relationship or circumstances. I would never accept that it was just a once off and I would be unable to trust that person again.

 

Perhaps the moving out would give you and her time to rebuild the trust, that is a possibilty.

[RunningonEmpty]

I've told her that I'll never trust her, and will probably never get over the whole thing. She is crying out of the fact that she hurt me and that she knows she will lose me forever.

 

I've decided, that the relationship will never be the same.. and if we are to try again it has now put us back to the very beginning... and since I have to be strict I dont think I could sleep well when she is out with "friends". And I really dont need that crap in my life... I don't want to be an eagle watching over her i have better things to do than that.

 

We are talking, and I've let her know that people change (she has changed).. but she needs to tell me what she really wants to do, and not stuff me around longer cause I would ranther spend this time with someone else. I think she is stuck between her head and heart???.

 

JayKay, your right.. and it's what I've said to her tonight... that what will have to happen.

 

- she will move out.. where ?? dont know

- i get a female flatmate or move in with friends and just live the single life for awhile.. i don't really want to go into another serious relationship.

 

I have a feeling that she is mainly upset that she will lose the lifestyle that she has with me, and she will have to go and live life like everyone else does and start from nothing.

 

As for the other guy, he's not a problem.. I have already sorted him out

 

There is a possibility of us getting back after awhile... but I think I'll enjoy single life to much and a new change of lifestyle just in time for a new year. And I always believe that once a cheater always a cheater.

 

As time goes on.. my thinking becomes clearer about it all.

 

In summary, I've given it a few days to see how we are towards each other... if it's not working then she moves out and we both go our seperate ways.

 

What do you guys think ?

[lilmoma1973]

 

I would say make her move out and let her be with this guy , she obviously is getting something from this guy or she wouldn't have to continue to see him this long!!! I think she is sorry she is sorry she got caught.. She probably would have went much farther than coffe ,had you not caught her and confronted her!! I would tell her she has to choose you or him !! Good luck ,and don't continue to let her stay ,if she continue's with this OM's friendship!!!

[newbby]

i think there is no excuse for violence, and i hope its not what you meant by "sorting out".

as for the rest of it, you sound as though you have it all figured out.

i believe she is crying more through guilt than anything else, and is genuinely sorry she hurt you. what does she say? does she say she wants to stay together?

[Greg25]

I think the most lasting damage the act of cheating does to a relationship is the way it ruins your trust and confidence in your partner (or your partner's confidence in you, if you cheated). In my experience, most relationships where one partner cheats usually end up breaking down, because the trust can never be repaired.

 

It is not impossible for something else, such as a friendship, to be salvaged from such a situation, but the risk is the bitterness and anger from the past can easily infect the present and ruin the friendship as well; sometimes it is best to just break all ties and move on with a clean slate, so you can both move forwards with your lives.

[roxyg]

I was in your girlfriend's situation two years ago, fortunately, my now fiance and I decided to stay together. It is hard, the beginning for us, was always off and on. In order to rebuild your relationship you have to be willing to accept what happened happened, and to wantto move on, or else it will fail. It sounds to me that you are enjoying the opportunity to become single again, perhaps a reason she cheated? I don't know, but there is a reason she did this. Just from my perspective, I do believe she is genuinely sorry for cheating on you and hurting you. I don't know how deeply committed either of you were to the relationship, 4 years is an awful long time, but you seem to want to move on right away, leaving me curious as to how much you truly care about this relationship. Regardless, from personal experience, trust is earned, and once that is finally in place the relationship will grow much deeper. Let her earn your trust back, if that is what you want, and talk to her about why she did this to you; she could be feeling unwanted by you, or even there may be something in her past that triggered this to happen. Don't stay with her just "because" it won't work; it is up to you to decide what you ultimately want, and if you don't want her then leave it be, and make it clear to her that you don't want to continue with this relationship.

[NYCmitch25]

Why is everything on a silver platter? I used to be quite lavish in my generosity but I've come to realize I was partly doing it to get people to like me. Which is hard to admit because it hints that I was/am insecure so now I don't do things that foster that behavior. Anyway, isn't it obvious? After four years, this girl is cheating, I would quickly and abruptly just remove her from your life. I would save the drama, just give her what she wants and what is best for you and end it. It seems that you've already started the drama by confronting her but do you really want to look desperate to her and more than that, actually be desparate by holding on a dieing relationship? I feel that the world is bigger than that other person and as important as it may seem at the time, it's small potatoes in the big scheme of things. Of course you could recover from this but how are the problems which led to this going to be addressed and thus keeping things from happening again?

[Walk]

I have a feeling that she is mainly upset that she will lose the lifestyle that she has with me, and she will have to go and live life like everyone else does and start from nothing.

 

I'm going to tell my experience... I don't know your girl, but I find it hard to believe you'd be with a heartless woman for four years.. so inside she's probably a good person.

 

Anyway, I cheated on my ex. I didn't do it to hurt him. I was one of those people that believed cheating is the greatest sin. That death would've been preferable, then to think of cheating. And I was the quickest to say I'd NEVER cheat, and if anyone cheated on me I'd kick them to the curb.

 

But for me... it started with talk.. simple talk. nothing wrong with talking, right? He listened when my ex wouldn't. He'd listen when my ex didn't have the time to bother with me. After a while, I started developing feelings for the man. I'd dream of him at night, and it really bothered me. I didn't want to feel that way for anyone other then my ex. But I did. I tried to talk to my ex about our problems. That I felt neglected and unappreciated. That I didn't feel he was making my needs anywhere near as important as his own. But he just brushed my concerns off. He felt I was being selfish, and not understanding that he was under a lot of stress. And he pointed out how much stuff he'd given me. I DIDN'T want stuff. I wanted him.

 

After months and months and months, it went further then talking one night. I lied. I swore nothing happened. My ex was suspicious. I lied more. I didn't want to admit I had done something so horrible to the man I loved. I didn't want to admit I was such a horrible person. I hated myself for what I did. I hated what I was doing to him. I hated that even though I felt he had been partially responsible for the deterioration of our relationship, that I was the one who was now evil and going to hell. I cried, I apologized, I admitted my guilt only after he had found out for sure that I cheated. I never would've told him. I couldn't kill him so completely that way. I would've rather died, then twist the knife in his heart. I hated myself. And I left.

 

I don't allow myself to be in situations where my current relationship could even potentially be comprimised. I don't fully trust myself if things in my relationship were to get bad, to not get attached to another man who satisfies my emotional needs. If my bf can't satisfy them, and we can't work through the problem, then I need to leave. But it took for me to completely destroy my life to understand my weakness, and work to communicate better with my partner, and stand up for what I need. I didn't stand up for my needs, I acted like a little child who snuck around and got what I needed, instead of facing my partner and demanding he meet them.

 

She was looking for the emotional connection the two of you used to have. Buying her stuff doesn't mean that you are taking care of her needs. She is wrong for what she's done. But you need to take a good look at your actions too. Don't think that by giving a woman material things that you're making her happy.

 

I don't feel a relationship can be repaired after one partner cheats. I think it's better to dissolve the relationship. The amount of work to repair the damage is nearly inhumane, and unless you are 100% positive that you are willing to put that amount of effort into rebuilding, then you need to end it. My one suggestion is that you keep open dialogue with her for a while. To discuss her reasons for cheating, possible ways in which you may have contributed to her dissastisfaction. There are things that each person needs to learn from the other on how to avoid this in future relationships. You-in seeing how your actions may have driven her away. She-in learning better ways to communicate her problems, or approaching problems differentlly.

 

Just a suggestion. Either way, I don't think it's worth the fight to keep the relationship.

[dnm1010]

well i think a lot of people said some good stuff here... i think that regarding what you should do- dont do anything stupid.. just cos ure "single" again doesnt mean u have to act in a way u wouldnt normally act. you shouldnt go sleeping with people and partying and what not just cos ure mad, you should do it only if u want to.. ive seen people go downhill after a relationship - they did drugs and slept around and lost their friends because they stole their girls (im specifically talking about my ex after i left him- he thought i cheated on him and i didnt and he started acting in rediculous ways- i left him because he was abusive)... if you really want her to regret her choices you should be the great guy that u are, and not turn into a scumbag. and lets say one day u get back together- you dont want to regret things u did during your break.

[RunningonEmpty]

There was no violence needed... i actually coped physical damage when I busted them, he drove over my foot.

 

I've always been a 50/50 person in a relationship, just of late since she wanted to study full time etc.. i took care of the bills, got us a better place, better life..as work was being more generous and the sad thing is, is that we have just moved into our new place for a week and then i found this all out... sucks since I spent so much money decking the place out.

 

As for not being there, I was full time with work and then uni at night.. I always gave her one full day a week to hangout on the weekend, we saw each other everday and night as we were living together. She was cool with this..because she understood.

 

when she did her study's just as she finished it all started to go sour. I said to her.. that she should hangout with the people from her course.. make some friends (she had friends when I met her but they all disappeared ?). So she would go over and hangout a few hours a week with this girl... well I doubt it was a girl no.. and this is what it started from..

 

It's how I feel, that she saw this guy for however long... lying to me about what she was up to while i was organising a better life for us... we use to go out and talk about how great this is all going to be.. and in the whole time she was with someone else.

 

I dont want to look like an idiot... I want to come out of all this being happy. I know single life is going to have it's up and downs... but I believe this is where i'll end up after this.

 

I'm trying to keep an open mind, but when I look at her.. I don't look at her the same and its tough to want to put in more effort into this when I put so much blood and sweat to make her happy.. and in the end it wasn't enough.

 

As for her explantation... it was an escape from life with me. I still dont understand though.. and i probably will never get the truth from her. I can see it only as en emotional thing.. because the guy is 2yrs younger than me and still lives with his parents. Maybe she wanted to be young and do what people do at 21.. (she is 21, and i'm 22). I know we are young, and thats probably a good thing that now it has happened and not 10yrs later with kids.

 

When I get back to work i'm going to organise my new life without her.. like decide on wheather to kick her out and me live there or me move out. I'll try till then to stay open minded and see if it will work out (I am putting in effort).. but i feel that I shouldn't be putting in effort.. that i'm just getting played like a fool.

[RunningonEmpty]

Well... to everyone this is how it will work.

 

I'm going to ditch the place and the new furniture (ebay - or something like that).. I know I will lose some $$ but I can deal with that.

 

I have given her 1 week to get out with all her belongings.

 

I'm going to go move in and share a place with some new people and this should make me meet new people.. which i think is a good start. It will be cheaper (less responsibility) and I will become more social.

 

And i'm going to get back into surfing and snowboarding.. the things I use to like before I got tied down. I dont know... but i'm not real happy it has happened.. but I feel better that i'm moving on and I can focus on what I want and not have to impress someone else all the time.... i think this happened for a reason, and somehow it will workout for me later on in life.

 

I want to say thankyou to everyone who posted, and gave me some direction.. it has helped. I hope none of this happens to anyone.

 

Hope you guys have a great new year - i'm looking forward to mine.