Broken Woman Posted April 22 Share Posted April 22 Hello, I have been with my partner 8 years gave him everything and he so easily cheated on me. Friday I caught him out and when he tried to lie and deny I asked the woman and she said he had started a relationship with her, told her he loves her, wants marriage. Basically for weeks I have been suspecting another woman as he would speak to me very poorly, sleep on the couch not want to be next to me on a night. So he plays a game on the PlayStation till all hours of the night, using my account to do this. I noticed some messages and when I asked who this name was he tried to say it was another person's gf he plays with. Yet he was on with her every single night. I found out discord was used to have calls, dirty pics sent where he was Masturbating on the couch. As she said she sent him pics of her boobs, vagina which is disgusting To a compete stranger. She knew about me and the child I share with my partner which just makes it worse. I am told by him I can't go on about it or keep asking questions because it annoys him. I am looking into counselling as he has seriously destroyed me as a person. He knew it was wrong yet continued. Even admitted if I hadn't caught him he probably would of continued. What makes it worse he would want sex with me but then be downstairs on a night in a relationship with someone else and then masturbating 🤮. I do feel there has been more as he would be out for periods of time and just acting really shady. I am just looking for advice or a place to express my feelings as I can't with him as it seems to be wrong yet he's the one that's destroyed a family. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 22 Share Posted April 22 Express your feelings anyway you like but do not try to save this relationship. He's been out of it for a while. Take care of your kid & heal. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 22 Share Posted April 22 I hope you are also making plans to take your child and leave. He is in deep with his affairs and isn't about to stop. This is no way for you to live. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 22 Share Posted April 22 5 hours ago, Broken Woman said: I am looking into counselling as he has seriously destroyed me as a person. If I may, he has hurt you. He has betrayed you. This will change who you are - for sure. But, hopefully it will change you for the better. You will become stronger. You will grow closer to your child. You will become a better judge of character so that your next partner will be an even better partner for you. The end of this relationship will give you the opportunity to learn about yourself in unexpected and wonderful ways. You will amaze yourself with a strength and a courage that you didn’t know that you had. The end of this relationship will give you the opportunity to dream new dreams - personally, as you turn the focus back to yourself and not this man who doesn’t appreciate your love and support. It may also give you the opportunity to find another relationship which will bring more joy… I realize that you are dealing with the shock of it all and this is a very difficult time, and I’m very sorry that this has happened. Kindly, I would urge you to be careful about the words that you use. I hope that this experience hasn’t “destroyed you as a person,” but rather it has helped you to find a strength that you didn’t know that you have and discover the life that you are truly intended to have. Best wishes. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 22 Share Posted April 22 If you're not married and given how you feel, it sounds like it's probably best that you detach, let him go. People change over time, and it's possible he has developed new attitudes towards relationships that he didn't have when you started out together. If that's the case it's unlikely he'll make a very good partner for this new woman he purportedly wants to marry, etc. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Broken Woman Posted April 23 Author Share Posted April 23 23 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Express your feelings anyway you like but do not try to save this relationship. He's been out of it for a while. Take care of your kid & heal. I feel the same like he has been out of the relationship a while. He has been crying saying he is so scared because he has taken me for granted. Yeah he has for some woman he barely even knows. I mean we share a child and not once did he even stop to think about the long term damage something like this does. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Broken Woman Posted April 23 Author Share Posted April 23 21 hours ago, stillafool said: I hope you are also making plans to take your child and leave. He is in deep with his affairs and isn't about to stop. This is no way for you to live. You're right it is no way to live, he has taken me from granted for far too long. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Broken Woman Posted April 23 Author Share Posted April 23 21 hours ago, BaileyB said: If I may, he has hurt you. He has betrayed you. This will change who you are - for sure. But, hopefully it will change you for the better. You will become stronger. You will grow closer to your child. You will become a better judge of character so that your next partner will be an even better partner for you. The end of this relationship will give you the opportunity to learn about yourself in unexpected and wonderful ways. You will amaze yourself with a strength and a courage that you didn’t know that you had. The end of this relationship will give you the opportunity to dream new dreams - personally, as you turn the focus back to yourself and not this man who doesn’t appreciate your love and support. It may also give you the opportunity to find another relationship which will bring more joy… I realize that you are dealing with the shock of it all and this is a very difficult time, and I’m very sorry that this has happened. Kindly, I would urge you to be careful about the words that you use. I hope that this experience hasn’t “destroyed you as a person,” but rather it has helped you to find a strength that you didn’t know that you have and discover the life that you are truly intended to have. Best wishes. After this I do not want another partner, I will concentrate on my child till at least older. He has really betrayed me, how easy he did it. I will never understand why anyone can do it and hurt someone like that. It's always a crappy excuse as to why. I know I was hurting when I wrote this and I know my words were a bit full on Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Broken Woman Posted April 23 Author Share Posted April 23 18 hours ago, mark clemson said: If you're not married and given how you feel, it sounds like it's probably best that you detach, let him go. People change over time, and it's possible he has developed new attitudes towards relationships that he didn't have when you started out together. If that's the case it's unlikely he'll make a very good partner for this new woman he purportedly wants to marry, etc. I am deeply hurt I can't believe he did it so easily and whilst I was also upstairs with his child. On call with her, masturbating to her dirty pics. Refusing to come to bed with me, I knew he was doing something as I have asked him and he denied it all saying all I do is accuse him. Yet my gut instinct was so correct. He said he didn't mean what he said to her, he told her he loved her and wanted marriage? She also knew about me and our child which makes it even worse. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 24 Share Posted April 24 Yes, it seems he was much more "into" her than you, at least in the short term. And perhaps not thinking about potential consequences if he's trying to walk back his overtures to her. Us men have a saying about "letting the little head do thinking" and how that's generally not wise. Probably a good bit of that in play. At any rate, sorry to hear of your distress. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 24 Share Posted April 24 On 4/23/2024 at 6:40 AM, Broken Woman said: He said he didn't mean what he said to her, he told her he loved her and wanted marriage? Why hasn't he married you yet? 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Broken Woman Posted April 24 Author Share Posted April 24 2 minutes ago, stillafool said: Why hasn't he married you yet? That's the question isn't it. Apparently he's blocked this other woman on everything and he wants to show me how much I mean to him. I'm sorry but if I meant anything he wouldn't of started another relationship, told this other woman who he barely knew he loved her and even discussed marriage. He only stopped cause I caught him. He wanted to masturbate over her dirty pics, he wanted to call and message her and more. Yet I'm not allowed to talk about my feelings or how I feel towards him because it annoys him and angers him. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted April 24 Share Posted April 24 What he allows you to do isn’t relevant anymore as he’s done like dinner isn’t he. Can you support yourself and sever ties, coparenting items only? You decided that the relationship is over so be angry and let it out but don’t bother doing it around him. He no longer gets to see any reaction from you nor is it any of his business what you think or feel. Do you have access to a lawyer (cohabitation/coparenting)? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Broken Woman Posted April 24 Author Share Posted April 24 2 minutes ago, glows said: What he allows you to do isn’t relevant anymore as he’s done like dinner isn’t he. Can you support yourself and sever ties, coparenting items only? You decided that the relationship is over so be angry and let it out but don’t bother doing it around him. He no longer gets to see any reaction from you nor is it any of his business what you think or feel. Do you have access to a lawyer (cohabitation/coparenting)? Issue I have is our money goes into one bank account which he is the main account holder so there is that. So I said we could do alternate weekends and set days during the week which means it's 50/50 but he seems to think that his solicitor will grant him every weekend. I am currently seeking my own solicitor as I paid for legal advice couple of days ago Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 24 Share Posted April 24 8 minutes ago, Broken Woman said: Issue I have is our money goes into one bank account which he is the main account holder so there is that. So I said we could do alternate weekends and set days during the week which means it's 50/50 but he seems to think that his solicitor will grant him every weekend. I am currently seeking my own solicitor as I paid for legal advice couple of days ago Even if the money goes in one bank account now you still must have access to it if you paid for legal advice a couple of days ago. Now is the time to open your own checking acount ad deposit your money in that account. Never allow a man you're not married to handle all of the money. Do you have children and do you work? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Broken Woman Posted April 24 Author Share Posted April 24 9 minutes ago, stillafool said: Even if the money goes in one bank account now you still must have access to it if you paid for legal advice a couple of days ago. Now is the time to open your own checking acount ad deposit your money in that account. Never allow a man you're not married to handle all of the money. Do you have children and do you work? I do have my own bank account also but due to a fraud issue I changed payments into the other account. As he has his own bank account also. I am the one who makes sure bills are paid on time, food shops etc. I work from home at moment as I'm between jobs as I am going back to work properly once youngest starts school. I never thought I would have to be dealing with this as he so genuine at the start. Plus we grew up together, lived next door. Our parents best friends, I've known him my entire life. Never again will I ever be so stupid. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 24 Share Posted April 24 31 minutes ago, Broken Woman said: I never thought I would have to be dealing with this as he so genuine at the start. Plus we grew up together, lived next door. Our parents best friends, I've known him my entire life. I’m very sorry that you find yourself in this position. I think consulting a lawyer is a very wise idea. Best wishes. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 24 Share Posted April 24 1 hour ago, Broken Woman said: Issue I have is our money goes into one bank account which he is the main account holder so there is that. Is your name not on the account? Can you make this a joint account - in both your names? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 24 Share Posted April 24 5 hours ago, Broken Woman said: That's the question isn't it. Yes, but you didn't answer it. You must know the reason why you two aren't already married after 8 years. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted April 25 Share Posted April 25 I want to comment on the title of your post: I gave my partner everything and he's being cheating. A good relationship isn't about giving a partner everything. There is no such thing as giving a partner everything. Giving is a huge part of a relationship, but something about the way you write makes me worry that you think being ultra nice to someone is a way to build a close relationship. It is not. Giving is one part of a relationship. Receiving from the other person is an equally important part of a relationship. BTW: people do not avoid cheating because of how nice we are to them. I wish that were true--it's not true. What does this guy do for you? Let's exclude the cheating: would you say he "gives you everything"? If not, the relationship is unequal and bad for you. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Broken Woman Posted April 26 Author Share Posted April 26 On 4/25/2024 at 1:34 AM, Lotsgoingon said: I want to comment on the title of your post: I gave my partner everything and he's being cheating. A good relationship isn't about giving a partner everything. There is no such thing as giving a partner everything. Giving is a huge part of a relationship, but something about the way you write makes me worry that you think being ultra nice to someone is a way to build a close relationship. It is not. Giving is one part of a relationship. Receiving from the other person is an equally important part of a relationship. BTW: people do not avoid cheating because of how nice we are to them. I wish that were true--it's not true. What does this guy do for you? Let's exclude the cheating: would you say he "gives you everything"? If not, the relationship is unequal and bad for you. Yeah I think you're probably right, being too nice never gets anyone anywhere in life. I'm not one to want conflict though so I think I probably should of spoken up more. I wish it was true too, instead of feeling angry and crying. I am practicing self care and love. No his effort stopped and mine continues. Since I found out what he's been up to, it's like a switch he's wanting to make effort and show me loves me? I have the view on you can't still love someone and cheat. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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