Need suggestions

[Imsad]

My husband moved out of state for a new job after getting laid off and had made the decision without mutual consent and expected me to join him later with our 3 kids. I had a very rare cancer last year and had major surgery and he feels that it’s ok to leave my doctors. I have had major reservations in going as I don’t feel comfortable leaving the medical team.

There has also been problems in the relationship for a long time now. I feel he is emotionally abusive based on the countless horrible things he has said to me over the years and he hasn’t been a real partner.

He has increasingly been less present in my and the children’s lives and had spent most of his time locked away in this room while he watched videos or played video games. He neglected responsibilities and finances, kept me in the dark and wasn’t being fully transparent about things always shifting his story, wouldn’t communicate when I wanted to talk and could be very hostile and verbally attack. He would also sleep half the day. 

He would blame all of the problems essentially on me and make me feel like it’s my fault. I would always question myself thinking maybe he’s right. During escalated arguements I would breakdown and beg for him to show me some love which never really happened.

Coming to present, his parents were supposed to help towards the down payment of a house and in only a matter of a week, this plan had been deleted because of me. According to him, I didn’t show enough enthusiasm or interest. But their reasons for not going forward have seemed to shift to various reasons and the whole thing has made me very suspicious of their intent. It was indicated that they now wanted to invest in a manufactured/mobile home park instead. They will buy it in full and it will be their ‘vacation home’ to avoid a high tax bill.

One of the reasons of not going thru with the house implied that he wouldn’t be able to support 2 households and ‘the kids would have a place to visit ‘daddy’ if I ‘left’ him. Later it was said that they didn’t want to invest in the real house because of the high monthly rate and that I wouldn’t see it in person. And it would allow us to save for a real house  in the future. Then it shifted to his job and if he left. And now it was indicated that their would be a high tax bill/ mortgage fees for owners who don’t live there. Apparently they wouldn’t have our names on the house. And then I just learned the other day that it was because my husband didn’t want our names on the house ‘to protect his parent’s investment’.

And through it all my husband has continued to take their side and I’m not allowed to have any say or input in anything. I have had literally no input or say In any decision made to date. That includes his decision to move, the decision in his family packing up our furniture (which was scheduled and told to me without my knowledge), the decision to buy a manufactured home and have to live there for some years. I had told him I don’t want to live in the mobile home park. He had said it would only be for 2 or 3 years and that money could be saved for a real house. He threatens divorce if I don’t comply. Either ‘you’re on board or out and you’re on your own’. After May he won’t pay any more rent and has essentially made me and the kids homeless. Even if I try to offer other ideas or explain how I’ve found places that would work within budget nothing i say matters as it’s a ‘done deal’. There isn’t room for agreement with him. He silences me and I feel railroaded by him and his parents.

His parents are only looking out for him and could care less about me and the kids best interests. They do not care about my medical situation and have dismissed it the same as him. They think just because I had my surgery (actually 2 of them) that everything is over and I can go on to find adequate doctors elsewhere in this other state. I tried to communicate with them and they only support him deeming him as a ‘great man’ and that I need to ‘trust my husband’. If I had any trust in him this wouldn’t be an issue at all. He has broken the trust for a while now. This mobile home works for him because he gets out of a high monthly rate and gets to not be burdened with housing finances, allowing him to play.

His father is very controlling and is a bully and has sent me messages saying where they are looking for a place. They are aware of how I feel and that makes no difference to them as if I never expressed anything. I was trying to get clarification on what their real commitment was towards the house (upon selling the mobile home later) and he responded with this:

Hmm... I guess I was kinda hoping for a "thank you for all youre trying to do for us"... but I guess such is not to be.
We'll revisit this again after you are ensconced in Colorado. Meanwhile, best to stay off the web and start packing.
And possibly a Dale Carnegie course would be in order as well... Dad Marks

My family wants me to stay where I am and either legally seperate or divorce. They would help me if I left him. I do want desperately to stay where I am but I’m not ready for divorce. Even the thought of legal separation scares me and seems like divorce. I can’t make this kind of decision under these rushed circumstances. I feel like I have bad choices.

Another reason that makes it dangerous for me to leave is the fact that if the marriage dissolved I wouldn’t be able to leave that state with my kids without his consent. That is a huge concern.

My husband claims that it’s not up to him regarding the plans and that it’s up to his father because it’s his money. I didn’t marry his parents and I don’t want to be ruled by them unwillingly amd dictated where and how I will live and not have the right to have any voice in anything especially now in my life with my 3 kids. My family has advised me that if I go, it will be the end and that his parents will rule my life and it will be a very bad situation and I will be stuck there.

I feel hopeless, scared and worried sick. I’m scared of making the wrong choice. I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt, thinking I could be wrong about everything about my suspicions. But I can’t forget the way I’m being treated. I don’t feel loved and cared for genuinely but I always end up weak and crawling back. When I don’t give in he rejects me essentially. Then he could sound nice and convincing and I get very confused. 

Could anyone advise on this situation? I’m very stressed and have to decide soon.

[d0nnivain]

Do a pros & cons list based on what is best for you & your kids.  Seeing it on paper may help you decide.  

Talk to your doctors about the possibility of transferring your care to where DH is. 

I'm not sure why you are not ready for  divorce from a man who emotionally abuses you, makes huge life altering decisions without consulting you & has basically abandoned you.  Answer that Q & you may have a better understanding of the best thing for you to do next.  

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, Imsad said:

My family wants me to stay where I am and either legally seperate or divorce. They would help me if I left him. I do want desperately to stay where I am but I’m not ready for divorce. Even the thought of legal separation scares me and seems like divorce. I can’t make this kind of decision under these rushed circumstances. I feel like I have bad choices.

Why aren't you ready for divorce after the way your husband treats you?  It's clear he doesn't care about you one way or the other.  He's right that as long as his Dad is paying everyone has to abide by his rules.  The father is also right to protect his financial interest.  You say your husband sleeps half the day.  Why do you need a man who doesn't provide for you and your kids?  At this point staying with him is abusive to your children because he can't take care of them.  I don't understand women who will put up with anything just to hold onto a man.

Edited April 22 by stillafool

[Imsad]

Things aren’t always black and white. When you’re not in the situation, to others it may look or seem obvious as to the solution. But when you’re in it it’s different. It’s complex.
 

He will have justification for everything he’s been saying to me and it’s hard to argue everything yet there are holes and thjngs that don’t make sense. For instance the parents claim it’s too high to get a house now for our monthly budget. But i found things that could work and are reasonable and he won’t even acknowledge it. There’s opportunities now to get a starter home so why wait  and take more risks. He’s going to be 50 soon. Im 45 and have had cancer and obviously my life will never be in the clear and I don’t have time nor luxury to wait. I don’t want to put myself along with my children out of our element of 5 plus years into the unknown and end up in a hole (literally) and then be stuck. In the end being legally stuck and my fear of changing doctors is what scares me the most. I don’t know if my fear is irrational but after having sarcoma cancer that consumed half my thigh and now being subjected to 3 month check ups that involve ct scans of my lungs, abdomen, and  MRI of my leg, everything feels very scary now. Not to mention the stents that were put in my veins for circulation problems that was a complication of the surgery that now needs to be monitored for life as well. 
See I think my husband shouldn’t go along with his parents stipulations if he wanted to work with me as he should. Therefore it shouldn’t be up to his father on any capacity. It should be up to us as a couple.

46 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why aren't you ready for divorce after the way your husband treats you?  It's clear he doesn't care about you one way or the other.  He's right that as long as his Dad is paying everyone has to abide by his rules.  The father is also right to protect his financial interest.  You say your husband sleeps half the day.  Why do you need a man who doesn't provide for you and your kids?  At this point staying with him is abusive to your children because he can't take care of them.  I don't understand women who will put up with anything just to hold onto a man.

 

Edited April 22 by Imsad

[Imsad]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Do a pros & cons list based on what is best for you & your kids.  Seeing it on paper may help you decide.  

Talk to your doctors about the possibility of transferring your care to where DH is. 

I'm not sure why you are not ready for  divorce from a man who emotionally abuses you, makes huge life altering decisions without consulting you & has basically abandoned you.  Answer that Q & you may have a better understanding of the best thing for you to do next.  

 

[Imsad]

Because things aren’t black and white. I feel I’m not treated well by him but that is my viewpoint m. What if I’m wrong. What if I’m too sensitive. What if I deserved it. He isn’t always like that all the time obviously but I feel things have continued to go down a bad path for a while now. 
I told him how I felt about him that job and how i wasn’t into it due to my medical situation and he seemed to dismiss what I was saying and took the job anyway and laid it out that if I don’t join him they’re will be a divorce . That he would like me to ‘join’ him. Even saying the word join feels insulting and wrong to me. Like shouldn’t we already be joined as husband and wife? Are we now dating and he hopes I join him?like what dues that mean. Yes it feels like he abandoned me and my kids in a sense and now he’s out an ultimatum on me. But the thing is if I didn’t go I would be the bad one in his and his families eyes. I would be the one breaking up the marriage due to my inflexibility in going as if I’m high maintenance and can’t leave the palm trees of California. I’m their eyes they would think I’m not going along with a plan that would supposedly work to alleviate financial burden and create the opportunity for a house down the road. I would be the vilified. 
 

But in my opinion yes from what I’ve learned it seems very much they are providing an exit strategy for their son and them as well. They want to first and foremost protect their son and secondly don’t want to invest in our marriage. I have seen places that are within budget for sale and I’ve brought it up but it’s dismissed and not acknowledged. There’s no room to work together and that disturbs me greatly. I mean shouldn’t I have any say in my life and where I live with my kids? Do I not have that right of it isn’t my money? I mean shouldn’t it be husband and wife making decision vs husband and parent? 

 

 

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, Imsad said:

ut in my opinion yes from what I’ve learned it seems very much they are providing an exit strategy for their son and them as well. They want to first and foremost protect their son and secondly don’t want to invest in our marriage. I have seen places that are within budget for sale and I’ve brought it up but it’s dismissed and not acknowledged. There’s no room to work together and that disturbs me greatly. I mean shouldn’t I have any say in my life and where I live with my kids? Do I not have that right of it isn’t my money? I mean shouldn’t it be husband and wife making decision vs husband and parent? 

It seems they, like most parents, have their child's interest in mind.  As do yours and that is why they told you to stay where you are and they will help you.  So you can stay where you are, keep the same doctors and let your lazy, abusive husband go and live in his rent free trailer.  Yes of course he will want his kids to visit.  That may help you to get some down time to take care of your health.  Stress is terrible for cancer and with the above plan, that stress can be removed from your life.  No, the father doesn't have to work with you when he's footing the bills.  That is why it's best for you to rely on your own family and let your husband rely on his.

[stillafool]

17 minutes ago, Imsad said:

What if I’m wrong. What if I’m too sensitive.

From what you've described here you are not wrong.  Your husband is abusive, lazy and a non-provider for his family.  It's past time to go.

[Imsad]

25 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It seems they, like most parents, have their child's interest in mind.  As do yours and that is why they told you to stay where you are and they will help you.  So you can stay where you are, keep the same doctors and let your lazy, abusive husband go and live in his rent free trailer.  Yes of course he will want his kids to visit.  That may help you to get some down time to take care of your health.  Stress is terrible for cancer and with the above plan, that stress can be removed from your life.  No, the father doesn't have to work with you when he's footing the bills.  That is why it's best for you to rely on your own family and let your husband rely on his.

If it was you, even putting the cancer and turbulent relationship aside, would you feel ok with your  in laws determining your life essentially?

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Imsad said:

If it was you, even putting the cancer and turbulent relationship aside, would you feel ok with your  in laws determining your life essentially?

Of course not.  I would leave so fast everyone's head would be spinning.  What good reason do you have for staying?  Don't say the kids because they are resilient and thrive in a happy home even if both parents don't live there.  So what is your excuse?

Edited April 22 by stillafool

[Imsad]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Of course not.  I would leave so fast everyone's head would be spinning.  What good reason do you have for staying.  Don't say the kids because they are resilient and thrive in a happy home even if both parents don't live there.  So what is your excuse?

I’m afraid of making the wrong choice and being labeled as the bad guy in this and his families eyes. They will see me as someone who is making problems and not going along with their plan of making things financially feasible. But again I question their true motives as I think it’s an exit strategy for their son and not investing in our marriage. Regardless I will be the one see as the person who wanted to end things when in fact I feel it’s the opposite because he is the one who has left knowing full well how I feel and has placed this ultimatum. He’s the one who has threatened divorce giving me the numbers I would have to live on and telling me I’d be in my own if I don’t go. He is the one who doesn’t seem to care as much as I soon stating together and yet his family seems him a ‘great man’ who does no wrong and implies that I don’t love their son enough. They are so completely unsupportive. It makes me sick and I feel very rejected and not accepted by them. 

As far as feeling that I could be making the wrong choice with him, I meant that what if he is correct in terms of his financial argument about how this manufactured home plan is the only way to go to make life better and get a house later. He wants to be relieved of the high rent of where I currently live and I get that, but it’s not as if he couldn’t have corrected things when he lived here to make it better. He didn’t even look at the bank account and let it go to negative. He hadn’t done the taxes in over a year  until he was forced to. He hasn’t done lasts years taxes. He has neglected things and will use depression as an excuse. He’ll say his job or the house rent or something else and it could sound justified in a sense- the financial pressure, the stress as reasons for his behavior. He acts like this will be a new start to things and will allow us to save and go on vacations and be happier l. But I don’t buy it. He wants to be able to sit back  and be relieved of financial burden in providing for his family. He doesn’t care about what I want and thinks the kids will just adapt. He expects me to trust him and that trust he been broken for a while. 
But the idea of leaving him after 10 plus years feels awful even though I’m not really happy and want a different kind of person. I atleast wanted marriage counseling to give it my all and not have regrets. Perhaps with a legal separation this could happen but it feels the same as divorce and kill’s me inside. I keep flip flopping between staying here and going and both seem awful. 

[d0nnivain]

5 hours ago, Imsad said:

. What if I’m wrong. What if I’m too sensitive. What if I deserved it.

You are not too sensitive & you didn't deserve to be treated so poorly.   Since you flip flop that is why I suggested you make a pros & cons list.  

If you really want to try for some sort of house, you better have a plan to pay for it.  Educate yourself about the costs of home ownership & go from there. You need to make sure this house will belong to you too, not just him & his parents.  If that is the deal, pass.  

I don't know how bad your cancer is but you might want to look into getting Social Security Disability benefits if you are in the US.  

[Imsad]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You are not too sensitive & you didn't deserve to be treated so poorly.   Since you flip flop that is why I suggested you make a pros & cons list.  

If you really want to try for some sort of house, you better have a plan to pay for it.  Educate yourself about the costs of home ownership & go from there. You need to make sure this house will belong to you too, not just him & his parents.  If that is the deal, pass.  

I don't know how bad your cancer is but you might want to look into getting Social Security Disability benefits if you are in the US.  

I’ll try doing the list. I’m seeing a therapist but I don’t find it very helpful unfortunately. That is why I posted this because I really don’t have anyone to talk to pathetically. The Mobile home would be in his parents name as per my husbands apparent instructions. And yes I question that strongly. He claims it’s to protect his parents investment as he says he doesn’t trust me because of my mother who has gone thru divorces. Ironically this makes me not trust him.

But I don’t believe there will be any real house because his father refused to respond to my question about what his real commitment was towards the house. Without the original down payment they reneged on, it won’t happen. The savings from the mobile home alone could take over 17 years to amount for a real down payment. I asked the husband to confirm if his parents were giving the full purchase amount of the mobile home selling and he said said it was implied that they would. But that isn’t a real answer.

 

[stillafool]

You are correct that a separation is basically saying good bye to your marriage.  People cannot work on their marriage when they are apart.  Your problem is you can't trust your husband to be a man and support you and the kids.  Are they his kids?  I'm asking because he's not acting like they are.  Why haven't you told his parents that he has threatened you with divorce?  I'm sure he's already told them he's planning on leaving you and that is why his Dad is getting him the home.  Why do you care what his parents think after the way they he has treated you?  He's too lazy to work, do his taxes, pay his bills or show you any respect.  So what makes you think he's going to save ANY money towards buying a house.  He doesn't even want to work.  BTW, it sound like you live in CA and are in the US.  You are entitled to child support and perhaps alimony.  Talk to an attorney.  Your marriage isn't going to get better.  As a matter if fact is sounds like he's trying to move away from you.  Don't be like a lot of women who stay in an abusive marriage because they don't want to be without a man.

[stillafool]

19 minutes ago, Imsad said:

Mobile home would be in his parents name as per my husbands apparent instructions. And yes I question that strongly. He claims it’s to protect his parents investment as he says he doesn’t trust me because of my mother who has gone thru divorces. Ironically this makes me not trust him.

I imagine the reason his home will be in his parents name is because they know they can't depend on him to pay the mortgage and they don't want their investment to go down the drain.  Who is paying the rent on your place now?  Did he move in with you?

Edited April 22 by stillafool

[d0nnivain]

14 hours ago, Imsad said:

 I’m seeing a therapist but I don’t find it very helpful unfortunately.

I'm on my 4th therapist this year.  Just because somebody has a degree, doesn't mean they are right for you.  It's like dating.  You have to find the one you click with who has the ability to help you.  Not every school of therapy works for every patient.  For example I hate gestalt therapy where you talk to a chair like it's the person causing you stress.  That never did anything for me.  

If you are not getting a benefit for your time & money, it's time to make a change.  

Edited April 23 by d0nnivain

[Imsad]

22 hours ago, stillafool said:

I imagine the reason his home will be in his parents name is because they know they can't depend on him to pay the mortgage and they don't want their investment to go down the drain.  Who is paying the rent on your place now?  Did he move in with you?

He pays it. I thought he night might have wanted it in their name because eventually it would be passed to him and he wouldn’t want me to have any  of it.

[Imsad]

22 hours ago, stillafool said:

You are correct that a separation is basically saying good bye to your marriage.  People cannot work on their marriage when they are apart.  Your problem is you can't trust your husband to be a man and support you and the kids.  Are they his kids?  I'm asking because he's not acting like they are.  Why haven't you told his parents that he has threatened you with divorce?  I'm sure he's already told them he's planning on leaving you and that is why his Dad is getting him the home.  Why do you care what his parents think after the way they he has treated you?  He's too lazy to work, do his taxes, pay his bills or show you any respect.  So what makes you think he's going to save ANY money towards buying a house.  He doesn't even want to work.  BTW, it sound like you live in CA and are in the US.  You are entitled to child support and perhaps alimony.  Talk to an attorney.  Your marriage isn't going to get better.  As a matter if fact is sounds like he's trying to move away from you.  Don't be like a lot of women who stay in an abusive marriage because they don't want to be without a man.

Yes they’re his kids. He doesn’t ask about them though and his calls to them are infrequent. He just isn’t connected in what I think is a normal way. 

I did tell his mother that he was threatening me with divorce if I didn’t go along with things. She never responded to that point in her reply back. It was literally about whether I loved her son enough. It really felt sickening. Apparently they were discussing something behind my back because she mentioned that the manufactured home could be a place to visit daddy if I decided to leave him. Those were her words.

Yes I do have major reservations regarding his claim of saving money based on his history. But I feel guilty because I did technically pick out the house where I’m in now and the previous rentals. He likes to blame me for the financial whoes. Back then I honestly thought he was handling things and didnt question too much. I was busy with babies and being a new mom. I should have been more involved so that’s my fault.

All I’m searching for now is the truth in him. From what he has been saying, he thinks that his plan is the only way to get ahead and there aren’t any other options. Sometimes it’s hard to argue that. He doesn’t want to put money towards rent because that won’t help anything for a house. Ok I get that. The problem is the way things have been handled and the way I feel dictated. And how I don’t have any right in deciding anything. That combined with our history, and my medical. 

[stillafool]

I couldn't be with a man who doesn't make time for and support his kids. Did his mother actually tell your kids that they were giving their dad a home where they could come to visit him?  Did you tell your husband you heard this and ask him what that was about?  If she did say that she already knows that he is trying to divorce you and that is why she didn't respond when you told her.  Most women do pick out the place they want to live.  You say he doesn't give you the right to decide anything; what is it you would like to see happen?

[Imsad]

I guess I would like him to get his parents out of the picture and give me something to go on. I dint really know what I would like to happen at this point. I can’t get rid of the thought of being stuck and not allowed to move out of state if I was to go and there was divorce later. 

His mother only implied in her message to me that the manufactured home could allow him to provide for 2 households. I mentioned this to him and he didn’t respond but I didn’t ask what it was about and I should have. 
 

He keeps saying that I had my way before and now it’s time for him to have it his way. I never looked at it like that before. I never thought I was getting my way. He said- ‘I’m asking you to trust me for the next 2-3 years and if I’m wrong you can hold me accountable.’

[Oldenuff2know]

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. Your family has offered to help you if you leave your husband, so at least you have that safety net for yourself and your children. I know it is a scary thing to imagine a separation from your husband, let alone a divorce. However, your husband is not supportive of you, he does not help you with the children, nor does he even have a close relationship with the children. Your in-laws have no regard for you whatsoever proven by the fact that they think you should just leave your team of doctors for a rare form of cancer. If he cared about you, if any of the three of them (he and his parents) cared about you, they would want to do whatever necessary to keep you healthy. Putting you under this level of stress and dismissing your concerns is NOT keeping you stress-free. 

If I were you, I would explore the offers from your family to help you leave him. Those are the people who care about you and will support you through your cancer monitoring and treatment moving forward. 

[Imsad]

3 minutes ago, Oldenuff2know said:

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. Your family has offered to help you if you leave your husband, so at least you have that safety net for yourself and your children. I know it is a scary thing to imagine a separation from your husband, let alone a divorce. However, your husband is not supportive of you, he does not help you with the children, nor does he even have a close relationship with the children. Your in-laws have no regard for you whatsoever proven by the fact that they think you should just leave your team of doctors for a rare form of cancer. If he cared about you, if any of the three of them (he and his parents) cared about you, they would want to do whatever necessary to keep you healthy. Putting you under this level of stress and dismissing your concerns is NOT keeping you stress-free. 

If I were you, I would explore the offers from your family to help you leave him. Those are the people who care about you and will support you through your cancer monitoring and treatment moving forward. 

Thank you for your support. Regarding the cancer, the tumor was removed but I have to get it monitored for a good 10 years. As long as it doesn’t come back I don’t need treatment but I have to  obviously hope it doesn’t. It hasn’t appeared that there has been any new growth but there is some speculated  inflammation caused by fluid that is taking up the space of where the tumor was. There’s also some enlarged lymph nodes but that is probably the result of the surgery. My point in explaining all of this is to empathize that it’s not a straight line in this process. It’s not like I get an all clear on the scans. I’m kind of kept on edge hoping that it’s ok but just don’t know for sure. Aside from this I had a bypass with that tumor removal and recently had stents put in to help blood flow and help relieve discomfort in walking. This process as I have learned an easy one. He seems to think it’s not a problem to switch doctors or like I could still see the ones in California but that could be very stressful or unrealistic. He likes to say things that don’t mean much in the end. He also said ‘adequate’ healthcare is fine. Anyway that’s where I am health wise now. It’s just an ongoing thing and don’t feel ready mentally to switch things up. I wonder if I’m wrong and I’m overreacting.

[glows]

He’s not going to get his parents out of the picture because he needs them and he doesn’t need you. You aren’t the cash cow. You’re the one who needs medical teams and rely on his family. You care too much what they think, even worrying what they think of you if you stay. As if they care about what you think. He’s already made his choice and you’re a burden. That’s the way he treats you and he doesn’t need you nor want you. I know that’s harsh but that’s the way I read this. You are the one telling us what’s happening in this thread but it’s like you’re in severe SEVERE denial. 

I sincerely hope along with physical ongoing care and monitoring due to cancer you’re also seeing a lawyer and a therapist if needed to get through the trauma of a life threatening and devastating disease. It’s a long road to remission and nothing is 100% guaranteed. Living with that fear that it might come back is real and ever present and overwhelming at times. 

Perhaps it’s time to do some serious thinking about what you’re doing caring so much what people think - the same people who care so little about what you think or have to say. 

No one wants a divorce. Sometimes it’s the lesser of two evils. 

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, Imsad said:

I wonder if I’m wrong and I’m overreacting.

You are certainly not overreacting from what you've described about your husband here. It's obvious to the majority here that your husband does not love you.  The stress he's putting you through is terrible for cancer and the best thing you can do for yourself is to get as far away from him as possible.