He's just not getting it.

[Capetownkendra]

My husband has not been much of a partner for majority of our almost 8 year marriage.

He has not held down a job and relied on me financially.
He has stolen and hidden money from me.
He does not help around the house.
He does not manage his mental illness.
He struggles with addiction issues.
He does not communicate.
He has not gone to therapy.
He has not been a very present father.
He has committed a crime and kept it from me for years.
He lies a lot and has completely broken my trust.
He has put other people (specifically a female friend) ahead of me.
He does not pay attention to me.
He has coerced me into sex.
He does not fulfill basic adult tasks ie. maintaining his own vehicle, budgeting his money etc. without me holding his hand and fighting him the whole way.

These are the main issues. I have been begging him to act as a partner and as an adult for YEARS. And to his credit, he will rectify a lot of the behaviour but it is always temporary. We always cycle back to the same bullshit. 
I finally kicked him out last week. I just reached a point of no return. Back in January, I found out he had committed tax fraud of $10 000.00 back in 2022. He never told me and I only know about it now because I found one of the letters asking for payment. I think this was my last straw. Since I confronted him on it, he has been trying to make changes. He has been more present with our son, he helps a bit more around the house, he made more of an effort to find work.  His efforts, to me, were substandard but it was something, I guess. But I just can't get past everything he's done. So, I kicked him out. He's confused because he feels he's been putting in the effort now and now I want to leave. But for me, it's just that I feel it will only be temporary. He pushes me to a point where I'm so fed up with his s*** and almost out the door before he's willing to make a change. It's been too much for too long, unfortunately, but he's begging for one more chance. I just don't have it in me anymore. I'm not in love with him, I don't trust him. And his reaction over the past week since I've left borders on narcissism in my opinion (crying without tears, threatening suicide, speaking to me in a way that seems cheesy, rehearsed, lovebombing, blaming me for "doing this to our son").
I've been pretty straight up that I no longer want to try to fix the marriage. I've been the only one putting in any effort for at least 5 years or so. I'm done. He just won't accept no for an answer. 

How did you know you were officially done with your marriage? How did your spouse react? Were you able to put it in words that they understood?
My husband just doesn't get why, if he does everything I'm asking for now, that we can't be together. I don't know how to explain it to him. It's like there's a wall there that I can't get over anymore and it's never coming down. And he could be the perfect husband from here on out and I don't know that it would make a difference. Is this making sense?

[tzorno]

I'm the last person to be giving advice as I have a thread here asking for help myself.  My experience was that after trying to save my marriage for 6 months and doing whatever I could, one day God just told me enough was enough and to let her go.  Seriously, it was as if I got hit in the back of the head with a wake up call that was well overdue.  I think that's where you are too.  My ex-wife was never going to change and your husband won't either.  You deserve to be happy and you've done nothing wrong.  

[Lotsgoingon]

My ex wife had lots of emotional problems. Your hubby is 10 x worse than her.

My breaking point is that she refused to get help for her problems. I feel like if the person doesn't want to do their own healing work for themselves and for the marriage, the marriage is over. 

I did not feel obligated to pretend I was dating someone who was a good partner.

You list 14 items. Any one of these items is worth considering leaving. All 14, you need to be gone yesterday! ... You just make a terrible mistake marrying this person. That's all. We're human. Get out!

[d0nnivain]

You know you are done when you reach your breaking point. You put up with way more BS for way longer than I ever would have tolerated.  

If you are done, be done.  Don't measure that against what somebody else would do or their timetable.  

[Will am I]

I scanned through your list of complaints and can’t help but wonder: how was this man ever marriage material in the first place?

I read about fraud, theft and addiction. 

I completely understand how you feel you can’t be with him.

But be aware that marrying may have been an expensive mistake. Since he’s financially dependent on him and you choose to terminate that agreement, there may be spousal support payment in his benefit.

[Gebidozo]

You did the only sane thing that was left to do - got out of this terrible marriage.

It makes complete sense that he could be perfect from now on and it won’t make a difference. You don’t love him anymore. He has been steadily chipping away at your love for eight years, biting and gnawing at it like a psychopathic beaver, methodically grinding and smashing till he finally managed to utterly destroy it.

You can’t explain that to him. He doesn’t have any empathy to you. He is selfish to the core. The self blinds him completely, renders him oblivious to objective reality. He only sees his own needs and desires, to the point that he can’t even fully understand that you have those, too. 

Congratulate yourself for being finally free of him.

[stillafool]

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This is a Scammer.

[Oldenuff2know]

Only you can truly decide when you've had enough. I can tell you that after staying 32 years in a marriage that wasn't working almost from the get-go, I regret not leaving much sooner.