Long, boring, and probably not worth reading... (I warned you)

[Walk]

Life was going great for a full month. I mean Great. captial G. It was awesome. *sigh*

 

The last couple days though, My bf's been... agitated, and angry. His job is horrible, but he's supporting us right now. I'm going to college (starts the 9th so I'm on a "vacation" I don't need), I'm not working. He hates his job. Truck driver, for example, his company will send him out sunday night at midnight and run the dog crap outta him until wednesday afternoon with no sleep. Then shoot him into NY for a Wed evening drop he can't possible make. They seem to think those pesky federal regulations don't apply to them. If he puts up a hassle about it, they don't give him any loads, which means no money. And can't pay bills.

 

This morning he gets up, (actually he hardly slept last night at all) and he was all fired up about anything, and everything. He was talking about the rights of miniorities and as bad as it sounds, I really had no interest. I tried to give my opinion a couple times, and he cut me off, or talked over me. Which really irks me. So I just let him rant til he was done. I can't stand when someone cuts me off constantly. But I swallowed my annoyence for his sake. It's the job...

 

Then this afternoon, he was going off about his job, and how it sucked. Normally I listen really well. Keep eye contact, ask questions pertaining to comments, etc. But (and I know this is no excuse) I'm pms'ing, I feel like a basket case, and every time I tried to bring up a problem I've had in last two days with life, I've gotten shut down and blown off, or a long winded lecture on what I should do. I'd just wanted to vent and get some support, instead I got a lecture on work ethic, drive and the ever popular Yoda philosophy of do or do not... whatever it is.

 

Last night my stomach hurt so bad I was crying, and the best I got outta him was one "you okay?" He's wrapped up in how to pay the bills, how much he hates his job, how bad his life sucks. It does. I wouldn't last a minute doing the job he does. And I know how it feels to be in a position where you can't quit, can't find a way out, and your only option is to go back in and let them rape you again and again. It's probably the worst feeling in the world. Versus me, who has no job, no classes right now, and my problems compared to the rest of society are small and pathetic.

 

(this is convoluted, I'm sorry.)

 

This afternoon he had to leave at 4. I'm sitting on the couch with him, and he's talking about different aspects of the job that are horrible, and how badly it affects the drivers, the pay, and the moral of people. I've listened to the same rant for nearly 2 years now. I know it doesn't get any easier for him in what he does. I know it's stressful, and there's a lot of animosity involved. The drives are treated like second class citizens, called lazy and stupid for not breaking the 14 hour work day like the company wants. He works more in 3 days then anyone works in a full week. I know this because I've ridden with him before, watched him, and seen what he goes through. It's not a life I'd wish on my worst enemy. Anyway....

 

I played with the cat while he talked... I didn't want to listen. I'd heard it all before. I was angry he didn't listen to me. I was angry that he was withdrawn and moody. I was angry that I can't seem to do anything well in my life, and when I try to express my frustration to people, I get lectures full of cliches on how I should just "do it". I'm angry because I'm no good at "it", so why do "it". and if I suck at what I love, then what the hell am I doing? And trying to talk about it with those closest to me, has ended up with them basically telling me I'm a pathetic loser who needs to just stop talking about it.

 

He got mad at me for playing with the cat. He got quiet, got up and filled his to go cup, and put his shoes on. I asked what I'd done wrong, and he said I obviously didn't want to listen because I'd rather play with the cat. Then he walked out, got in his car, and left.

 

I text messaged him 4 hours ago. Apologized for making him feel as though I didn't care about what he was talking about, and that I was sorry.

 

There won't be a response. I'm either the biggest a**h*** in the world, or he jumped this way outta proportion. Maybe I'm just an ungrateful bytch. I hate this. I'm torn between extreme anger, and wanting to lay crying on the floor. Am i the biggest self-centered bytch? *sigh* I just didn't want to listen to it anymore. I was tired of hearing about it. tired of listening, yet never being heard.. I realized what I was doing when I was playing with the cat and stopped. I realized I wasn't being the "attentive partner", and tried to listen. But he was over it by then. and walked out.

[Outcast]

Two people each wrapped up in their own problems. And you with PMS. ugh.

 

First things first - you have to take care of you. PMS SUCKS and can turn pussycats into lionesses.

 

So go here and try some stuff to get a handle on that.

 

http://www.pdrhealth.com/content/women_health/chapters/fgwh03.shtml

 

Secondly, I thought drivers were in demand. Can't he get another job with a better company? Maybe while he's gone you can hunt around on the 'net to find other possible jobs for him.

[Walk]

They are in high demand, as long as they are willing to stay on the road for 2 to 4 weeks straight. My bf's comprimise in the relationship, was to get home every weekend. But they will work him 18 hours a day 5 days a week, and still call him lazy when he demands time off to sleep.

 

There aren't many trucking jobs in the area that guarantee home time every weekend. Most are "home occasionally". or one 34 hour period per 7 days... if possible.

 

I know he's looking for a better company, better job... I've tried to help, but all the ones I bring him he's talked to already. And frankly, I found this last company, and they are probably the worst in the industry, so I'm hesitant to suggest another one to him.

 

Five hours, and he's so pissed he won't even text message me. What do I do...? I'm feeling about as low as possible right now.

[Walk]

Good website outcast. That whole list... that's me. Spent all day yesterday crying over nothing. Tried so damn hard not to. I'm a head case. It's not usually this bad though. I don't understand it.

[johan]

Hey, Walk. Sorry to hear about your stress. You just had a fight is all. You'll work it out. You need to be able to communicate to him that all his complaining is more than you can take, particularly because you have some of your own to do. Maybe set a timer or something so you can trade off. He needs to be able to lighten up a bit, if possible.

[Walk]

Johan... do you think that would fly with an SO? Wouldn't that come off as... uncaring.. cold?

 

"Hunny, I'm only going to listen to you for 10 minutes. Then shut up. Okay?"

 

I'm joking, but semi-serious. How would a person approach an SO with an idea like this? Not sure it would stop him from thinking about it though. I need a none cash way to get his mind off his problems. (other than sex)

 

Do you think, from a man's point of view, that if I explained my pms head crazed state that he'd show a little compassion? Taking into consideration that he's working his azz off, and I'm sitting around the house waiting for classes to start up again.

[johan]

He should be able to listen to your concerns. He can take a break, don't you think? You don't have to be disrespectful to what he's going through. And he should learn not to talk over you and he should respect whatever it is you have to talk about.

 

Constant complaining is not really healthy for him. It doesn't fix anything, particularly if he's repeating himself.

 

That's just what I think. You know him well enough to know whether he would take it well.

 

My ex and I got good at teasing each other about stuff that was bugging us. It was so easy to communicate that way, because we couldn't take ourselves too seriously.

[Walk]

He does usually listen... You know sometimes when you're life just feels like it's completely overwhelming and out of control... I think that's how he feels right now. And it's something he wants to fix, but can't find a solution for, so he's going over and over it again looking for the answer.

 

But damn... I was just teasing the cat with a stupid ribbon for two minutes during his rant. I listened to every word he said, I just wasn't looking at him.

 

I hope it is just a stupid spat. I'm angry that he walked out like that... knowing we won't be able to talk face to face again until tomorrow night, possible saturday afternoon. Take the credo of not going to bed angry, and magnify it by days. Things tend to get blown outta proportion.

[Becoming]

Sounds to me like you have a right to equal time and you didn't get it. Now you know that the passive aggressive way in which you handled your anger wasn't the best strategy, but you're right to want to be heard, too, and you weren't. Stand up for yourself in a constructive, assertive way.

 

Isn't there someone overseeing the trucking industry to insure that tired drivers aren't endangering us all out on the highways? The hours drivers work are awful. There is a law on the books. What is it? And can you report it anonymously?

 

There comes a point at which you have a hard time listening to someone bitch about their situation. Other folks tell you to stop complaining and do something about it when you go on and on. Is he one? And what's good for the goose is good for the gander, right?

[Walk]

So why can't he at least respond to the text message? I felt ignored so I passively aggressive respond (not respond), which makes him feel ignored so he walks out, and then ignores me after I send him a text apologizing.

 

Maybe I'm 12 and I'm just delusionally thinking I'm a 30 year old woman.

 

So I should've confronted him earlier when I felt he was ignoring/dismissing me? I never know if I'm being too thin skinned about stuff... especially when I'm pms'ing. I take everything too overboard. I don't know... I'm tired, I know that.

 

Thank you for the comments/suggestions.

 

__________ side note:

There are rules/reg's for the trucking industry. Unfortunately, the companies are fairly immune. The drivers get shafted with stiff penalties and fines. However, if they don't drive when and where the company wants, then they find less and less loads for them to deliver. And it's still insane hours even within regulations. If you hired onto a job that told you you had to work 14 hour days with no breaks you'd run like crazy. Plus sometimes his pay ends up being the equivalent to $3 an hour. Heavy traffic, accidents, shippers taking 4 hours to load/unload. Only way they can make money is to keep delivering stuff. No overtime, no minimum wage, and many times he doesn't get paid a cent for his time. The last two companies he's worked for have been pretty much the same. Anyway... it's not happy.

[newbby]

first of all pms is a very good excuse. generally, i've not met man or woman who has understood it being very extreme, as some people get it worse than others, but, there are a few very good doctors, who have made it their lifes work to understand it. it can change aswell, you may suddenly find you are getting it worse.

you can explain it to him, maybe give him something to read up on about it. on the other hand, you cannot be perfect all of the time, and you can forgive yourself, as should he, for being self absorbed now and again.

[Outcast]

So if you have most of the symptoms in the article, it's time to try doing some of the things they suggest. I've heard and know of people who swear by vitamin E. Others are keen on the B vitamins. You don't need to mega-dose but take some supplements from after ovulation until your period's over at least. Exercise is important, too. And if you still find yourself extremely moody, see a doctor.

 

I'm a head case. It's not usually this bad though. I don't understand it.

 

Most people find it's not the same every time - some times are worse and others better. And yes, you're a 'head case'. This is how some simple chemicals in your body can affect your mood. It's what mental illness is like in microcosm.

 

So I should've confronted him earlier when I felt he was ignoring/dismissing me? I never know if I'm being too thin skinned about stuff... especially when I'm pms'ing. I take everything too overboard. I don't know... I'm tired, I know that.

 

No. What you should do is, when he's not mid-rant, tell him that while you're not in the same awful mess he is, you're having a few issues yourself. Then talk about how you both can commiserate, share both sets of gripes, and comfort and support each other.

[Walk]

Outcast and newbby... Good points.

maybe give him something to read up on about it. on the other hand, you cannot be perfect all of the time, and you can forgive yourself, as should he, for being self absorbed now and again.

Our self absorbed states seem to coincide sometimes, not too often though. Sometimes I wonder if he's pms'ing too.

No. What you should do is, when he's not mid-rant, tell him that while you're not in the same awful mess he is, you're having a few issues yourself. Then talk about how you both can commiserate, share both sets of gripes, and comfort and support each other.

I would've liked to have told him prior to his bad mood that I was having some issues too, but they kind of hit at the same time. Well, if he ever calls me again, maybe we can sit down and talk about it when he cools off.

 

I can't believe he still hasn't called, texted, or anything. Driving me crazy. I'm getting angry that he won't respond, and I'm afraid he's going to come home tonight, and I'll be pissed off. Then we won't be able to discuss anything. Guess I gotta just roll with the punches this time. He's working, so it's not like he's sitting around doing nothing and not contacting me.

[newbby]

take the time to do some meditation, then you will be calm when he arrives.

[Mz. Pixie]

Walk,

 

I can understand where you are coming from with the trucking industry. My exhusband worked in that field for years, and worked a minimum of 12 hours per day. He made good money, but no overtime so it didn't average out to much per hour when you added it up. He was a dock worker, then he worked in maintenance (he just ordered the work done), then he drove a truck, and then he was in management. Didn't get any better.

 

Perhaps the field he should look at is transportation sales? That's lucrative and as long as you produce you're good. Someone with his background should be of interest to someone in that area.

 

Is he in a union?? Or are they non union??

[Becoming]

I'm learning that I too often respond to my husband out of my child who wants to be taken care of and is furious that he's not cooperating with this obviously fabulous plan.

 

I've learned to take some time out before I open my big mouth and think about how I want to respond instead of just reacting. In other words, I let my emotions be processed through my higher self instead of just ruling (and often ruining) the day.

 

May this work for you. You have the power of choosing how you want to relate to him. So take your power and choose. PMS can be an excuse--not saying yours is, for it's also a real medical problem, in which case, seek treatment. And chocolate.

[Walk]

He got home this evening, and he wouldn't talk to me. Just played video games. We had dinner together, and then he just sat there. Not talking. I apologized again for not paying attention to him. He said he wasn't mad at me, sure seemed like it.

 

I tried to talk to him about it, and he just rallied behind the image of his being the victim. I couldn't decide if I should tell him why I wasn't devoting full attention to him. Meaning, I felt like he'd basically dismissed everything I had to say earlier that day, and he didn't listen to me when I wanted to talk about a problem the day before. I didn't mention any of that to him.

 

So now he's more pissed, and got up and went to bed. I don't want to point fingers, but I also feel like I'm being unfairly judged for a small infraction/mistake. And he freely admits he's upset about his work, but he made it out like I was intentionally ignoring him after he spent time listening to me talk about my day. I summed my whole day up in 5 minutes and he's using that as how he listened to me, and how I was inconsiderate for not spending some time to listen to him.

 

He used the words. "I wronged him."

 

Ugh. I'm so pissed right now, and hurt. WTF?

 

He hasn't slept since yesterday when this happened. I know he's exhausted, stressed, and still angry at his job. I tell you though, I am so tempted to just say f*** it all. Maybe he'll be more rational after sleep. I know I'm near impossible to talk to if I'm tired. Maybe he'll see it differently tomorrow. God I hope so. I want to smack him and tell him he's being retarded.

 

I find it ironic that he says he doesn't talk just to hear himself, but he talks, and talks, and talks. Loves to tell me his view on everything and everything. My last LTR was like that too. Couldn't shut them up to save my life.

 

I'm sick of dealing with his frustration over his job. I almost want to put my foot down and tell him it's the job, or me. But if he could find a decent job around here, he would quit trucking.

[Walk]

I'm learning that I too often respond to my husband out of my child who wants to be taken care of and is furious that he's not cooperating with this obviously fabulous plan.

 

I'm not sure I understood your post very well. I mean, I did, but in a really generalized way. So I'm not compelety sure I understood correctly. Can you give me an example? Or clarify it some more? I think you have a good point here, but I need some help understanding it better.

[johan]

It probably wouldn't hurt if you smacked him and told him he's retarded. He's very self-absorbed. Probably some depression there.

[Outcast]

Walk

 

1. Understand that PMS makes pale grey things look BLACK

 

2. If one person is upset, nothing is helped if the other person gets upset at the person who's upset. Even less is gained by interpreting someone else's actions as though you know what he's thinking and why.

 

3. PMS makes women stupid sometimes

 

4. Exhaustion makes everybody stupid sometimes.

 

5. Telling him off will only drop both of you into a worse downward spiral.

 

SO CUT IT OUT!!!!

 

Did you read at all the bit where I said you have to have a conversation about the fact that you're feeling less than great, too AND THAT YOU NEED TO WORK TOGETHER TO COMFORT AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER.?

 

This will NOT be accomplished by lighting into him in the least. If you want to be a 'scorekeeper' (never advised), he's got you beat hands down in terms of more reasons to be stressed out. So you still don't come out ahead.

 

Most importantly:

 

PMS MAKES LIGHT GREY THINGS LOOK PITCH BLACK

 

So quit digging yourself further into this hole of misery and occupy yourself some other way. The very best thing would be for you to be sweet as can be to him until he feels better and after you've both felt better for a while, have a chat about how to deal with all your stresses.

[Walk]

It probably wouldn't hurt if you smacked him and told him he's retarded. He's very self-absorbed. Probably some depression there.

 

haha Him: 6'1" 220lbs. Me: 4'11" 116lbs

 

So quit digging yourself further into this hole of misery and occupy yourself some other way. The very best thing would be for you to be sweet as can be to him until he feels better and after you've both felt better for a while, have a chat about how to deal with all your stresses.

 

Even though I think he's making too big of a deal out of this? And I feel unjustly accused of a small offense? You're probably right though.. I think I'm letting my ego and pride get the better of me on this one. I want him to acknowledge that he was an azz the better part of the last two days, and stop being upset with me for playing with the cat for 2 minutes. But that's probably not terribly healthy for me or the relationship.

 

Still want to slap him though. Maybe I need to invest in a punching bag.

 

Outcast. So you think it'd be best if I just pretend all is okay? Or act extra nice to him as though I'm sorry for hurting him? In order to make it up to him? Then just wait til things calm down til I talk to him about this again?

[Walk]

He won't talk to me. He's been walking around the house whistling. His friend called him earlier, my bf set up plans to go do something. Hung up the phone, never said a word to me. Turned the dvd on and watched a show. Show was over. He got up, grabbed the guitar and is playing now. Still hasn't said one word to me.

[Outcast]

Is this his normal behaviour when he's mad at you?