Weye Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 I think its a little extreme to break up with him just for not seeing you on the holidays when you didn't even ask him to spend them with you. When a girl expects her man to know what she wants from him without telling him anything, she's setting herself up for disappointment.
Mary3 Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: northern California Posts: 51 Bloody Mary -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- * Quote * Your opinion differs from most of the responses on here, not only in terms of interpretation but also TONE. I may have been bitchy briefly and apologized to someone way nicer than you, but you are a bitch period, big difference. I've dealt with "women" like you before, mean spirited and rude, usually in denial about their attitude, deny it all you want. And, no I didn't choose just anyone. I chose my boyfriend because not only did he pursue me like crazy, but he's gorgeous and is very successful. So you get plenty of dates, but noone to commit enough to being a boyfriend? PATHETIC. Don't worry, maybe you'll find someone to love you someday, despite your sorry self. My boyfriend tells me I'm exceptionally beautiful, and a nice person, so smart, and unique. :-) That's why he loves me very much. I'm through with reading your drivel. Have to go, my boyfriend wants me. *grin* -------- * Response * Oh, excuse me but I think you really have me confused with someone else who rubbed you the wrong way in life... I am actually a very friendly , funny , pleasant person and enjoy making people laugh. I have never in my entire life been called a bitch or been accused of acting like one. Mean spirited ? Rude ? I will tell you my honest opinion and you may do with it what you want. I think by far you are the rudest person I have seen on these boards in 2 years. Oh, so I should settle for someone who is not right for me and take less than what is right for me ? To accept *less* is Pathetic. To be strong and wait for the right person is far more empowering and logical. Don't you think. ? I know you are getting enjoyment from attacking and insulting me but like I said before , I don't tolerate that. I will put it down to some mental stress you are going through sitting confused and puzzled about one simple question you asked by more than one other poster has suggested this man is having sex with you but could not take the time to spend with you at Christmas. Its not ME you are angry with. Its yourself. And anger at the truth. Trust me on this one. You should never * wonder * about things like that .You should be Number #1 always. Don't forget that. Despite your direct attacks ,I will still be patient and pleasant and offer to help you. Amazing isnt it ? A total bitch offering to try to help you ? Thats weird huh ? I have all the patience in the world to try and help you. I know you don't agree with the FWB situation but I could give examples of FWB behavior and you could see if any of those match. If you still want honest answers you can get them from me. I hope you had a Happy New Years Eve.
Touche Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 Well said Mary. I really don't have much to add. I think the OP already knows all this but can't face it. I mean she posted with a complaint about him and then when others were actually AGREEING with her that this situation isn't right, she started defending him and turning on others. It left me wondering what the point was in posting with her issue at all.
Fun2BMe Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 I think he is treating you badly. For him not to be around on the holidays plus not get you a gift, choosing to spend it with a friend not at least family. That would make me want to break up with him for sure. I don't agree with the others that he's with you just for sex. I think he thinks he can get away with not satisfying your needs and for you to put up with his selfish behavior. At least get mad at him about it instead of being his pushover.
hopeless01 Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 Altaira, it seems like your boyfriend may not be that into you that much. I'd understand if he started dating you a couple weeks earlier, but he's known you since February! I would've gotten you a card and something small at the very least considering you both became official in Nov. Hope everything works out great for you though :-)
Blackard Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 Should I break up with him? It depends on what you are looking for. Are you comfortable with being an FB? Are you comfortable being little more then a convenience? Are you comfortable with a man that cares little about your needs and wants? ...because that is where you are. If you want more out of a relationship, then you will have to move on to get it.
Walk Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 Altaira, Take all comments/suggestions made on here with a generous heaping of salt. If you feel that their suggestions don't apply to your situation, you could get more accurate responses if you expanded on your reaons you feel it doesn't apply. (I'm not trying to be sarcastic, or rude, please don't read it as such.) Some responses may be knee jerk reactions to that persons past experience, but I have found that there is still good advice and warnings inside each post. As long as you understand that we only know a small fraction of your relationship based on what you've told us, and so we respond to the information that we do know. I think the best thing you could do in your situation right now, is talk to him about this. Otherwise your resentment is going to fester and come out in harmful ways toward your relationship. You need to know what his expectations for your relationship is, how he views holidays, time spent with you, and importance of friends vs. you. After that, decide how his actions measure against his words. If he always puts friends above you, but is saying he values you more, then you have to decide if you want to live with someone who is not being honest (either with himself or with you) and who doesn't value you as highly as you expect. If on the whole you are happy with your relationship, but these two incidents have caused the majority of your unhappiness, then express your concerns to him. Weigh your expectations against his actions. Is he treating you as you would like him to the rest of the time, is this incident singular? Or is this a pattern that has become especially noticeable because of the significance of the holidays? Just remember that most people on this board do want to help. There is great advice available in these forums, but I've found you can only get that advice when keeping a cool head. Even if others sound harsh, or overly critical, understand that they are speaking from experience, weigh their words against your situation, and judge if it's useful or not. If not, attacking back is the worst way to ensure accurate feedback. We do not have to resort to name calling in order to make a point with someone. There are better ways to get a point across then attacking someone for their views.
Mary3 Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 Excellent Post *Walk* I totally agree with you ! I would say I know alot about FWB's versus True Committed Boyfriends versus One Nite Stands versus Players. One of these can apply for the Poster. FWB's ~ Their main goal is sex. They may fool you into believing its more but you have to take all the actions and put those against the words you hear. If after having sex they seem rushed to get out of there in less than 45 minutes , you can probrobly assume goal was *hit* and time to go. Truly committed Boyfriends( CB )~ always put you # 1 (or maybe # 2) if they have children . You should be mixed in there with their friends as ( well as seperate individual activities which are also important ) You never * wonder * what is going on when the phone isn't ringing. You never wonder with a CB where you both stand. His ACTIONS match his WORDS . ALL the time. When those words *don't* anymore and his attentions wane elsewhere and he becomes too busy to see you, then you can bet you won't be with the CB much longer One nite stands ~ He has sex with you rather quick and then he does not call. Not in a week or in a month. He got sex . He is done with you. He might come back for seconds which puts him in the FWB zone... Players ~ They always keep that back door open for all options and possibilites. You pretty much know rather quickly with these because they seem to know ALOT of girls and can only see you once a week or less than that...and they love the attention of the thrill and the chase. The poster may have a great bf and maybe he is not one to celebrate xmas. But we all have to look deep into the relationship to see if at every OTHER level we are happy. If its just xmas grinch problems then maybe that can be overlooked. I think the suggestion that it might not be 100% was the kicker . I think OP should take a good look and if she likes what is going on in every other apsect , then she should work with him to create a great relationship.
Fun2BMe Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 To Mary3 - what more specifically is the difference between FWB and players?
Mary3 Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 Fwb's might make you believe you have something but Players don't stick around that long .
Fun2BMe Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 But I thought it's openly known when it's FWB that you're both in on it for the benefits, that nobody is leading anyone on...isn't that what a player would be doing, leading you on? or ?
Lishy Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 I would say a FWB is a 'contract', you both know where you stand and get on with it - A Playa will lead you on and let you think he wants more and he will get his booty and head for the hills - That is MY perspective!!!! Altaira I understand why you felt so hurt - If a guy told me he loved me (Huge words) and I believed him then I would expect to see him on the holidays at some point! I wold also expect to exchange gifts and I totally understand why you are upset that this didnt happen! I would advise you to stand back and assess your own situation - We can only give advise from our own life experiences and also it is far easier to see clearly 'from the outside'. My opinion is (and I dont mean this to hurt you) that he doesnt love you as much as he professes to. I am not saying he is using you but he is definately giving you mixed signals. I do not know your full story with this guy but from what you have said that is my opinion. You have good reason to feel hurt. Talk to him about it! Also I must say that Mary3 has been very to the point and blatantly honest with ME in the past and though it may not be what you want to hear I have found that her advise/opinion is normally bang on target. She is truly not a btchy person she just says it like it is and does not sugar coat it! Sometimes when we ask for advise or opinions we have to expect to hear what we do not want to hear! Talk to this guy and sort it out with him. Let him know what you want and if he can't deliver then you need to think about what you are willing to put up with. I wish you luck
Blackard Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 But I thought it's openly known when it's FWB that you're both in on it for the benefits, that nobody is leading anyone on...isn't that what a player would be doing, leading you on? or ? Not if the guy simply does not care. If he is only in it for the sex, does not care enough about her to even buy a Christmas present, see her on Christmas, do we think he cares enough about her feelings to try to define some boundaries for her? Folks, this one is not tough one, and I'm sorry for the girl if it hurts to hear this, but the guy could care less for her beyond what he can get from her. There is no talk needed here. I would say the writing is on the wall, but in this case it is burnt across the sky. He didn't even buy her a Christmas card. We give our freakin paper boy a Christmas card for goodness sakes.
Mary3 Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 Thanks Lishy + Fun2beme * I live my life by the philosophy of *giving it to me straight.* If I come on here and ask advice ( and I have ) I get a wealth of advice and information. It may be painfully true what I have to hear but unless I step outside of the box ,I will only know what my mind is telling me. I may ignore obvious signs but I can come on here and ask you guys what you think. I give the same for the OP. No BS. I would not want to be bulls***d by the guy and want the same back. I don't want to give BS advice here , just honest advice. If something sounds wonderful ( we dont get alotta wonderful on here, mostly confusing problems we want addressed ) then I will tell you it sounds *great*. But if it looks like a dead fish and smells like a dead fish I am going to prolly tell you it is a dead fish. To tell posters anything ( advice ) other than what I lived would be usesless to them. I step back on many posts because I can offer no advice. But when the OP posted here and told us of this situation , I had to give my best advice. When she doubted she could be being with someone less than she deserved , I tried again to give examples. Hopefully she has done some foot work since and made some kind of decision about the quality and type of relationship she has. The power is hers to decide if its enough for her.
Touche Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 Don't think we're going to hear back from her. I mean if we do, I'll be really surprised. She will come to realize what she's got and it's not likely that she will want to admit it - judging from her response here. To the OP. It's ok. We've ALL misjudged someone at one time or another and thought they were right for us when they turned out not to be. Come back on here if you need support in dealing with this (or anything else.) We really did all mean well.
djrdei Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 My g/f broke up with me after Thanksgiving and her reason was because I didnt come to dinner at her hous and that hurt her family. Well thats a load of crap.... I ended up having dinner with my family ... which was at the same exact time as her dinner. I wanted to be with my family because my grandmother reciently underwent a heart operation and my father was also reciently diagnosed with a severe health problem. Well i guess being with my family cost me my relationship with her.
Mary3 Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 dj I dont think that was the real reason she broke up with you because you could not go to her house on Thanksgiving. You were with your family . She was with hers....Both dinners were the same time. I think she used Thanksgiving as an excuse to end it. The holiday itself does not sound like the reason, just a way out for her. You could not help the fact of the timing on dinner. Sorry to hear what happened , really
Author Altaira Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 My bf works 6, sometimes 7 days a week, he did not do anything for New Years, I was easily influenced by the negative feedback and sent him angry, hurtful messages via messenger and he was mad about it and then when I got really mean, he acted hurt but forgave me after just about 4 days, even though he has said he's not very forgiving. He said I give him so much stress, and what's up with that. From now on, I will work on my anger flare ups and go to the direct source and openly communicate and not keep getting random feedback from people outside of the relationship. For those who meant well and were kind, thanks so much for your input, and special thanks to Fun2BeMe.
submart Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Alt, My boyfriend of 5 months didn't give me a christmas present or spend the holidays with me even though he was available. He hates the holidays. I asked him for both to come over, but he didn't. I made him a food plate and gave it to him the next day. He was very appreciative. Maybe he was afraid of meeting my family (we have a significant age gap). So, maybe your guy hates the holidays?
Recommended Posts