Do OW/MW deserve closure?

[Lightglowabove]

This is how it happened - I was seeing my MM for about 8 months but I knew that he was having trouble the last month or so because he was going behind his W's back. I tried to break it off with him but he wouldn't meet me to do so. We finallly met and talked and decided not to break it off because we still liked each other very much. The next day, his W got a call at work and she accused him of having an A. He admitted it and since then it's been hell. He used to call me yelling at me, and I know it was because of the stress he was under. I understand all that and don't want to appear selfish because he was going through a lot. I did nothing to stress him out or try to meet up with him or influence him. I thought he should think things through without me intruding.

 

This is where it gets worse. Someone has been doing hang up calls on him and he's convinced it's me. I admit I did call him a few times, and couldn't talk to him so I just hung up, but I stopped it. But he said he was getting them on his cell, at home and work and thinks it's me. Finally he said "I don't want you to call me anymore". I responded "I wasn't going to". I was fed up with his lies and everything else at the time. But there was no closure. Is this my closure? I hate leaving things this way. He didn't have the decency to end it with respect.

 

Should I call him or meet him to end it my way or just forget it? I'm trying to get through this but it's hard when it ended that way.

[My_Other_I]

Honey, welcome to post-affair-aftermath hell.

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Your best bet is to forget it. Looking for closure, revenge, answers or whatever is gonna do nothing but prolong your mourning and healing process. Chances are you will never know everything you want to know, and even if you get answers, you will be questioning those.

I am sorry to say; it is a hard and painful journey, but the sooner you cut it and go NC the better.

Do not care what he thinks ( I know it's really hard to do) and just be proud, walk with your chin up. You know it's not you who calls (it might as well be his W - woman scorned is not a pretty picture) and that's all that matters.

Good luck. You need to be strong now.

Get your self-esteem back, do a little inventory, pick up some new activities and stay out of relationships for a bit.

Do this right, it will all work out.

 

P.S. What did you mean by saying that he was having troubles and going behind his W's back? He wasn't before? Did she know?

[whichwayisup]

You have to make your own closure. He isn't going to give it to you. No need to officially end it because things are over anyway.

 

Try your best to move on, grieve and vent. Write him letters but do not send them. This will help you cope and get out what you need to say.

[mopar crazy]

I agree w/ both replies. As hard as it maybe I think you need to forgot about him for now, he seems very angry and he is taking it out on you. Try not to put yourself through that, you've been through enough.

 

There is one thing I don't understand about some of this threads. The MM gets all pissy w/ the OW when his W finds out and the OW isn't even the one that said anything. They are angry their W's found out, are making life he!! for them (rightfully so) so they take it out on the OW?!?!?! He should be pissed at himself for being so damn stupid and not working on his M instead of having an A w/ someone else. MM need to fix their M problems at home, not w/ some OW. And if they don't think their M can survive, get the F out, file for a D, and stick to it. They shouldn't decide to get a D b/c they find some woman, have an A, realize the grass isn't greener on the other side, then go back to their W. If a MM and his W are separated and both have agreed the M is def over and there is no going back (no second thoughts, doubts) then it's ok to get involved w/ another person.

I'm not the OW, but a BW, and my H did have an A w/ a co-worker that persude him for three years. Our M wasn't going great. H filed for a D and then I heard from friends about his A. When I found out about the A my H never blamed anything on the OW, that I know of. He never got angry w/ her b/c I found out and was "taking him to the cleaners." And why should he be angry w/ the OW? Even though she persued him for several years, and how good she made him feel, he had the choice not to fall for her advancements. Instead of working our M and getting counseling he had an A, his fault. I'm no way putting all the blame on my H for the A, I blame the exOW also.

[Lightglowabove]

Thanks so much for your replies. I'm just having a hard time dealing with the way everything ended because it seemed like he didn't care how it ended and I don't know the whole story about what happened after the W found out.

 

My_Other_I: It seemed like in the beginning he wasn't haven't a hard time with the affair at all. We loved being together and enjoying each other's company. Toward the end, he was starting to feel guilty and that's why I thought I should end it. The W suspected because she would occasionally ask if he was having an affair. And then the hang ups at home. She was suspicious and he was nervous.

 

He would also go on the married sites and "chat" with girls, not meet them and that would upset me very much. He seemed like he had very low self esteem to do that. He seemed like he needed girls to tell him he was handsome, or something like that. That hurt a lot.

 

WWIU: I know I have to make my own closure - thats really hard to do when you don't have answers. At least he could of had the guts to tell me what's going on instead of yelling at me and shutting me out.

 

Mopar crazy: You're correct with that statement: the MM gets all pissed at the OW or MW, when she didn't say anything at all! What the he!!?? All I can figure out is that he's blaming me for tearing his family apart, when in fact it took the TWO of us.

 

I know I need to move on. I thought getting it out in the open would help me. This is so hurtful and I never want to go through this again and I don't wish this kind of hurt on anyone.

[whichwayisup]

Just keep on venting it out. You may not ever get the answers you need to hear. That is tough, but it is more than likely the cards that you're going to be faced with. There is no rush to get over this, but don't let it ruin you either. If you need to talk to a therapist to help you cope, don't be embarressed, go and do that. You want to make this as easy for yourself as possible.

[My_Other_I]

Girl, there is not much more we can say.

Those who have been there can be here for you when you need to, maybe guide you a bit and prepare you for what's coming when it comes to trying to cope.

 

In my eyes he almost did you a favor by ending it the way he did; obviously he is not a winner and has no respect for you or his wife. The fact that he is married, having an A and flirts online is a huge red flag.

 

I can only tell you that your emotions are going to be out of control for a while, things won't make sense for a while, as you will be trying to put the puzzle together and understand the situation and yourself. You will have really bad days and than some good ones. The good ones will be coming more often as time passes.

You will probably contact him few times as well and the thing will be ongoing for a while, until you feel strong to finally say no to him and yourself.

Keep posting here, vent all you want. We feel your pain.

When you feel a little bit better, try to read some books on affairs. It might explain a lot of things to you and answer some of the most burning questions.

[My_Other_I]

LGB,

how are you doing? How are things going? I hope you feel better!

[EMJ]

Closure? You've got Closure. What it looks like you want is the Last Word.

 

Finally he said "I don't want you to call me anymore".

 

That's your closure. Don't kid yourself that there needs to be some kind of formal meeting or closing papers to sign. You are closed, over, done, fin, "keep moving ma'am..there's nothing more to see here" closed. Don't embarrass yourself by going back for more, it can only get uglier from here.

 

Let him have the last word, and you can have what's left of your dignity. Just protect yourself in the future. Don't enter into situations that you aren't ready to handle emotionally. You can't win at that either. You'll be ok if you can learn and grow out of this mess. Be strong!

[newbby]

hey, im sorry you are unhappy. i didnt get closure either, just rudeness. still, getting to see his true colours was all the closure i needed. i dont believe anybody really gets closure from the other person at the end of a relationship. it is up to you to try and deal with it and make the best of it. it is annoying when the mm thinks that you are chasing him, i got a bit of that too, but, who cares what he thinks. he should be worrying what you think of him. move on, its a new year, make the best of it.

[Lightglowabove]

Closure? You've got Closure. What it looks like you want is the Last Word.

 

That's not true. What I want is to talk it out and not have things end badly. I know we're not getting back together and no more affair so why can't I end things the way I want? Why is always by the MM's "rules"?

 

It's hard, really hard to wrap my mind around this whole thing about how it ended and that's why I want to take some action. Do I think it will help US by talking about how it ended? NO, but it will help ME. Is that wrong?

 

But Newbby, thanks. You made me think with the true colors thing. I guess I did see his true colors come out when the wife found out, huh? And him accusing me of the hang-ups...just calling and yelling at me and hanging up on me.

 

I don't know what I'm going to do yet. One part of me wants to see him face to face and tell him a few things, and then say goodbye, so he can see that I'm not broken. The other part of me says its a waste of time.

 

Thanks for asking about me My_Other_I and everyone who's giving their opinions. I'm glad you're all around.

[newbby]

are you likely to run into him? i know it must be really hard working with the mm etc after the a ends, but sometimes its good so that you can do the look how ok i am thing!! i wished to run into exmm for a while after it ended, and only ever did when i was looking miserable (not about him as it happens) and hadnt seen him coming!! the arrogance annoys me of those mm who think you are all crying and upset and unable to get over them.

mind you an ex of mine did the whole look how happy i am thing to me the other day and it was very transparent. i think it doesnt matter what you do or say. either to him, or to you, really. if somebody has decided its over and they are over you, then that is that for them. nothing he can say to you will make any difference either to how you feel. just leave it. find someone else and move on, or just move on. i know its hard. good luck.

[EMJ]

Why do you want to keep kicking a dead horse? Why is it always by the MM's rules? Because you knew he is/was the MM, and you decided to get involved anyway. Did you say "I will only get involved with you if you get divorced" No. Because those were not the terms being offered by him. If you did say that, and then went ahead got involved anyway knowing that he was not divorced, then your words are meaningless, and he knows it.

 

"I don't know what I'm going to do yet. One part of me wants to see him face to face and tell him a few things, and then say goodbye, so he can see that I'm not broken. The other part of me says its a waste of time."

 

He already knows that you are broken "And him accusing me of the hang-ups...just calling and yelling at me and hanging up on me". these are all the SCREAMING NEON signs that say you are currently broken. Now he thinks you are pathetic because of it.

 

Please listen to the part, the big truth in yourself, that is telling you that its a waste of time. It's actually worse than that.

 

Nobody "calling yelling and hanging up on you" wants to hear from you EVER AGAIN. That's what he means. You can only be insulted and degraded further by reaching out to this person. Your behavior is bordering on stalking, and it's weak and creepy either way. He's made it clearer than clear. Leave him alone. Forever. It's the only way you can move on. Grab your self esteem and build it back up again. Stay strong, so you'll never do this again.

[newbby]

Why do you want to keep kicking a dead horse? Why is it always by the MM's rules? Because you knew he is/was the MM, you decided to get involved anyway. Did you say " I will only get involved with you if you get divorced" No. Because those were not the terms being offered by him. If you did say that, and then went ahead got involved anyway knowing that he was not divorced, then your words are meaningless, and he knows it.

 

 

hmm, well expecting somebody to leave their wife is one thing, but expecting them to treat you with respect and civility is quite another. i doubt very much that the terms he offered were "i will treat you like s***", because if they were then i doubt that she would have got involved. if you expect your mm to treat you so, and you get involved with mm anyway ("eyes wide open"), then why do you?

[EMJ]

My relationships are respectful and considerate. I would never chase or hound anyone, married or not. You lose respect for people who cannot understand boundaries, privacy, and the choice they make when they chose to involve themselves with someone who is married or already has a primary partner. People change their minds, fall out of love, or discover that they just don't like the person once they really get to know them. That's natural for all relationships. Why would it be any different here? People don't owe you anyhting just because you didn't get everything you wanted from them.

 

The thing that is very curious is reading about all this ridiculous behavior that the other person inflicts on married person or family out of childish frustration and then the person says, shocked or suprised when they hear "they told me to never call again" .

 

What did they expect with that kind of behavior?? Roses?? Alot of people are getting back what they put out, and them seem shocked. Whose fault is that?

[newbby]

what kind of behaviour are you speaking of?

the only behaviour i read about was a couple of phonecalls. i do think that people need to handle their emotions properly, i also think that people should end a relationship with understanding of the others feelings, and not with anger. i mean the mm also chose to have this relationship.

[EMJ]

She admited to a few calling and hanging up episodes. She says she is more worried about "his stress" than her own. She feels that she has has to prove to him that she's not broken. Why does she care at all? He clearly does not care anything for her. Where is her self respect? What is there to prove to someone who does not care?

 

Her "care" is hurting her alone and makes her look weak. Good riddance to someone who treats you poorly. Keep moving and don't look back. The only thing she can control is her own actions. I guarantee she's thinking a lot more about this than he is. He's home trying to salvage his marriage, and is not worried about her, except that she should stay away. She should once and for all accept it.

[Lightglowabove]

I have accepted it, doesn't mean I like the way it went down. My point is, if I want to end it MY way, then I'll do it MY way. I don't care what the MM thinks at this point. It doesn't mean I'm going to talk to him, I'm just mulling this whole thing over.

 

And EMJ, I never said I was more worried about "his stress" than my own. I'm more worried about me and moving on, which I'm trying to do, and I was thinking this would help. Maybe it won't.

 

I'm going to think this over and then decide. If you've never been in this situation, you have no idea what I'm experiencing EMJ, but your insights are respectful. You've brought up some good points and I'm re-reading them again and again. By the way, he's not at home salvaging his marriage - he's living alone right now from what I gathered.

 

I know I'll get through this...I've been through much worse. It all takes time.

[newbby]

She admited to a few calling and hanging up episodes. She says she is more worried about "his stress" than her own. She feels that she has has to prove to him that she's not broken. Why does she care at all? He clearly does not care anything for her. Where is her self respect? What is there to prove to someone who does not care?

 

Her "care" is hurting her alone and makes her look weak. Good riddance to someone who treats you poorly. Keep moving and don't look back. The only thing she can control is her own actions. I guarantee she's thinking a lot more about this than he is. He's home trying to salvage his marriage, and is not worried about her, except that she should stay away. She should once and for all accept it.

 

 

true enough

[gevoraksix]

I THINK u SHOULD JUST LEAVE IT ALONE.

U DESERVE CLOSURE YES BUT ALL HES GOING TO DO IS TRY TO KEEP U STRUNG ALONG.

IVE BEEN MOSTLY NC WITH X MM EXCEPT WHEN HE STALKS SINCE OUR OCT NC POST.

U WILL NEVER GET UR TRUE CLOSURE WITH HIM.

I FEEL SO FREE NOT DEALING WITH THE BS .

I STILL THINK OF HIM ALOT BUT MOSTLY ANGRY THOUGHTS.

DONT WANT TO SEE HIM ,DONT WANT HIM.

ITS A PART OF MY LIFE I JUST WANT TO FORGET .

I GET CLOSER EVERYDAY.

HE TRYS HIS"SOON "ONE DAY"WHATEVER .

I SEE HIM SO DIFFERNT ,HE IS A LOSER ,HIS LIFE IS HIS PROBLEMS NOT URS.

IF HES NOT MAN ENOUGH TO LEAVE FINE STAY HIS CHOICE .

SICK OF THESE GUYS DRAGGING OW INTO THERE DRAMA .

LET GO SWEETIE .

GOODLUCK

 

* Put silk on a goat, and it's still a goat.

[EMJ]

I'm on your side. You say that I have no idea what you are experiencing, but I do have some idea given the circumstances. I have been where you are are and wish I had someone dishing out the "tough love" to me at that time.

 

You seem to be hung up on ending things "your way". It's already over. This idea that you can meet, say a few civil words, close the door and move on does not look the kind of communication or relationship you have been having with this person. His response sounds angry and regretful. "Dont ever call me again" is your answer. It won't get nicer from here.

 

There will be a lot of endings in your life that won't go according to the script that you would have liked. If you accept that you don't and can't control all of those things outside of you, you will be able in time to relax and move ahead.

 

It's 2006, a new year with new opportunities to learn, grow, and do things better. You are clearly a sensitive person, protect that part of yourself by not offering it to selfish and insensitive men who do not have your best interests at heart. You will be ok if you keep moving ahead and don't look back. Good luck.

[newbby]

i agree with this and i read somewhere that men don't actually hear words, they just hear "hassle" whatever you say and even regardless of tone.

[Lightglowabove]

I did more thinking and decided not to do anything. I looked back at how he treated me, everything I forgave him for (won't go into detail), and what everyone typed on here, and you're right, I'm going to move on since it's a New Year and try my best to forge ahead.

 

We shared some incredible times and I don't think I deserved to be treated like this, with the yelling and hanging up on me. No one does.

 

I'm glad you gave me the "tough love" EMJ, it helped a lot. Thanks for that, even though it's hard to read at times. I hope you're doing ok in your situation.

 

And Newbby and gevoraksix, thanks for listening to me rant. haha. Boy, when you put things down in writing and get responses, it really opens your eyes.

 

I probably would of done the stupidest thing ever but I'm not contacting him. You're all right, it's over, and it ended the way it ended. Sometimes you never get the answers you're searching for.

 

It's a New Year everyone and hopefully, we'll all be ok and stronger. One day at a time, right??

[whichwayisup]

You've got the right attitude now.

 

Put yourself first! Go pamper yourself! Do a spa day with some girl friends and have FUN.

 

The less you think about him the less you'll care...Then soon enough he won't even be a thought in your head.

 

Good luck!

[EMJ]

See. you've already grown. Tremendously. It really does help to see it all in writing and reread it. It keeps things in perspective and reinforces what you already know is true.

 

You are very resilient which is one of the major keys to a long and happy life.

Just look at the difference in your posts between yesterday and today.

 

2006 is already a turning point for you. It only gets better from here.

Best Wishes