Nikita20 Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 I have a question. How do you deal with a break up when you don't have any closure? For example, my ex broke up with me in August out of the blue and didn't give me any solid reasons why. His last words were, "I love you, I think you are beautiful, but I can't be with you right now." I'm having a hard time moving on because of this. I almost feel like I need closure to move on. Anyone ever experience this? If so, how did you cope?
salmagundi Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 wow, that's a really sh*tty ambiguous way to dump somebody. But he did and that was last August too. But the fact that he, apparently, has not come back in the intervening 5months is all the closure you should need...
Yamaha Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 Many times closure does not help. You may not want to hear the reasons he broke up. You need to tell yourself he was not the one for you and leave it at that. Accept it's over and don't ask why.
Author Nikita20 Posted December 29, 2005 Author Posted December 29, 2005 I spent almost two years with him. I thought that he was the one--the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. He wanted to marry me, have children, etc., etc. I just think that his way of ending the relationship gave him an easy way out. When he broke up with me, I was calm, cool and collected. I didn't create any drama. I just thought that he was confused and I thought that perhaps we needed time apart for things to settle. Now things have settled, I just feel like I need some honest answers from him. I at least deserve that.
johan Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 Nikita, I'm not sure the closure is worth the pain of getting into contact with him and having his words re-open your wounds. Or worse, open others. The closure you need you can provide for yourself, if you try. For instance, does it matter why he doesn't want to be with you, or simply that he doesn't want to be with you. I'd say the latter is enough, and it's clear. So he doesn't want to be with you. If he loved you he would have worked on things with you. He would have been willing to overcome whatever issues were bothering him, which may or may not have been due to you. If he was capable of communicating properly, he would have been able to at least share his feelings about things with you prior to the breakup. When a breakup happens out of nowhere like that, that's a sure sign that the person leaving has some real problems communicating. So you can use those facts to provide your own closure. They might be painful enough, but do you really need him to provide details that would have been irrelevant if he loved you, wanted to be with you, and could communicate properly? Do you think you can expect satisfactory answers from someone like that? What you need to realize is that you don't want to be with someone like him. Not that he's a terrible person, he just doesn't have what you need. You'll find someone who does. Just take care of yourself and love yourself like you want others to love you. All the way.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 He wanted to marry me, have children, etc., etc. I just think that his way of ending the relationship gave him an easy way out. Remember how when we were little girls our moms would tell us that there is a big difference between the women that men marry and women that men will only date? If he put you in the "marry" category, then perhaps this is a case of him not being ready to stop tom-catting around. Some men are commitmentphobes and aren't marriage material. I don't know if age and maturity is an issue here or not. The bottom line is...you may never really know. He might not even know why he called things off. My last ex dumped me out of the blue just days after taking me out to a swanky dinner for our anniversary. We were on a marriage track....or so he led me to think. Later, I found out that he left me for another woman. And even later, I found out that he is now dating two women...both of whom have no idea about the other. I guess the real bottom line is... some people are a**h***s and don't know how to behave in relationships. The trick is to weed them out and find the ones who do know.
notmakingsense Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 I can't really say anything that others haven't already told you, but I want you to know that I too am in a similar situation. My ex just decided to stop returning calls and notes, then, when I did trap her on the phone, she told me that she "just can't discuss it right now." That was the last I heard from her, and its been almost a month. Dig back in to your relationship's history. Was everything really perfect? I believe that 9 times out of 10, you can put together the reasons for the break-up on your own. Rarely are things truly out of the blue if you are honest with yourself about the other person's personality or how things were going. In my case, I knew deep down that she wan't completely sold on "us" for the long term. I also know that she is horrible at communicating about emotional subjects. The result of my analysis is that she decided that I wasn't "the one", and as a result -- she dropped off the face of the earth because she is horrified at the thought of talking to me about it and ending things face-to-face with me.
mooncloudprincess Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 those were the exact words my current ex left me with. I love you more than any woman in the world, and i respect you more than anyone...yet i found him to be less than honorable. I can't say that this would apply to your situation though. I don't know your ex. I can say that if he really loves you, then he wouldn't be gone from you in my honest opinion. http://malaikasplace.blogspot.com/2005/12/open-letter-to-martin.html
No Foolin Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 Doesn't matter why.....and you really don't want to know. Been broken up since august huh. The question you should be asking yourself is what are you prepared to do now that you have been freed? No Foolin
mooncloudprincess Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 in obtaining closure any way possible. short of something illegal of course. It helps you to KNOW that you have to move on. If you are like me, you would want to keep hanging in there waiting. http://malaikasplace.blogspot.com/2005/12/open-letter-to-martin.html.
Geoffrey Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 Dig back in to your relationship's history. Was everything really perfect? I believe that 9 times out of 10, you can put together the reasons for the break-up on your own. Rarely are things truly out of the blue if you are honest with yourself about the other person's personality or how things were going This is exactly what I did....and I KNOW the reasons why...it wasn't me, I know that for sure, but it still hurts just the same.
notmakingsense Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 Dig back in to your relationship's history. Was everything really perfect? I believe that 9 times out of 10, you can put together the reasons for the break-up on your own. Rarely are things truly out of the blue if you are honest with yourself about the other person's personality or how things were going This is exactly what I did....and I KNOW the reasons why...it wasn't me, I know that for sure, but it still hurts just the same. Yep -- it definitely hurts either way - closure from yourself or closure from talking to someone else. It doesn't really matter that much. You will rarely be "wrong" in your own assessment of the situation.
Geoffrey Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 I saw many things unfolding slowly in front of me....and, not to brag, but I can read between lines....and I can do it very well...
brooke7777 Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 I was in a very similar situation. My ex and I were together for 3 1/2 years and we broke up in August with no apparent reason. He did the same thing...told me he loved me but that right now we couldn't be together. Having no closure absolutely sucks! It makes you constantly question every aspect of both yourself and the relationship. It is hard, especially if you are an overanalyzer like myself. I have had many sleepless nights where I picked apart our relationship and what went wrong. And I was stuck. We had a little rough patch toward the end, but the last few weeks seemed absolutely perfect. He too told me that he wanted to marry me and live our lives together forever, even until the end. It is now December and I still struggle with the reasons why we are not together. I recently met with him and rehashed out my unanswered questions...did I get a clear and straightforward answer??? No, not really. I got a little more clarification, but they were things that did not make sense in my mind. And boy did that little meeting throw me for a loop. It reopened my wounds and sent me into emotional turmoil. I think the best advice I can give to you is the advice that others have already stated. Create your own closure. Right now you two are not meant to be together. Take each day one at a time and try to really focus on yourself. Make you your number one priority and focus on making yourself into a strong, confident individual. At the same time, you were together for a long time on a deep level, so allow yourself plenty of time to greive and heal. You will only be a stronger person because of this.
lilmoma1973 Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Some people need that closure in order to move on !! If you feel you need it get it or you won't be able to get over this relationship and move foward to the future with someone else!!! Good luck hope you find closure so you can move on !!
Kengne II Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Hi Nikita20! I read your story from earlier, and I am sorry that you are still in so much pain post breakup. Closure is something we all would like. Answers to 'what went wrong?' 'what could I have done differently?'. But in the end the only person who could answer these questions is your ex - and even then, I don't think ANY answer he would give you would EVER be enough. You'd have more questions, and then more and then more... get my drift? A never ending cycle in the search for 'closure'. I think you have to accept the fact that this breakup... as sudden and out of the blue as it apparently was to you... will just not have that 'neat' ending. You will never find the answers you are looking for, the answers that are beyond YOUR control. I think you need to accept the fact that the breakup, and the reasons underlying it - were beyond your control. Even 'closure' - the type you are looking for - is beyond your control. The only thoughts & feelings you can control are your own. I think you need to take back control of your emotions & thts ... because you are letting them consume you. Stop going over and over his last words to you. What does it matter what he said to you, THEN? What matters is what he's showing you, NOW. He has moved on - with somebody else. You need to move on - closure or no closure. Just my 2 cents. K.
Mz. Pixie Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 When someone asks for closure- then in essence they are actually wanting to have someone "make it all better" It doesn't matter whether they give you the best reason in the world, it's still not going to be good enough for you because IT IS NOT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR. This is not about getting closure, because you've already gotten that. The closure came when the person dumped you out of the blue like a ass and moved on. What more closure could you need?? That's it, the end. This is usually about the other person (the dumpee) wants to open contact with the other person (the dumper) in hopes that that person will be like, "AH HA! I made a horrible mistake, please take me back" And you know, it's okay to feel that way, but the best way to deal with getting over the heartbreak is to focus on yourself, and keep up the NC, that gives you time to heal.
In Sync Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 I too have always wanted closure...what would it come as? A call from the "X", an apology (not likely to happen since he was a N, and they tend never to see any action they've done as hurtful..in fact he most likely justifies his behavior by blaming me for having gotten involved with him anyway..they have no empathy or compassion, so realistically the person who could possibly give me answers still wouldn't.) Yet I confess there's not a day that passes that I haven't escape the question, I wonder why he just disappeared. At this point I may as well assume aliens in a UFO, picked him up and transplanted him in another galaxy! My closure will never come in the way I would like, but I did read somewhere Absolutely everything -- that happens in our lives has a spiritual cause. Events on all other levels -- mental, emotional and physical --are only effects. "When we are struggling with any challenge, whether it be ill health, a lack of money, a lost job, relationships, an accident, whatever -- we need to look for the spiritual learning. We can ask ourselves, "What quality does my soul want me to live more fully?"
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