Update on conversation with MM...

[DepressedWaiting]

For those who read my posts on my MM situation... I just had the conversation with my MM. I have FINALLY made a decision.

 

I really do think he is VERY serious about divorce and 100% dead set on going through with it. He's also working with an estate attorney... he's currently working with the estate attorney as there is one very important issue he must take care of BEFORE filing for divorce. After hearing more details... I see what my MM told me is NOT bologna. He would be crazy to not take care of this issue BEFORE filing. I don't want to post details here because I'm almost paranoid his wife can read my posts here. I know she won't because she doesn't even know of this place (you never know though) but as crazy as it sounds I' m paranoid about that so I don't want to post too many details here.

 

He says he doesn't know how long this issue is going to take with the estate attorney (it's in another state)... he will be talking with his mother in a couple of days for an update (I now this sounds totally confusing, I've left out details for it to make sense). The second this issue is taken care of he will file for divorce. I've decided to take the risk.. and give him a break for the VERY FIRST time ever and ease up on him. His divorce attorney (which is in this state of course) advised him that yes he should be working with this estate planner BEFORE proceeding with him at all. It's a very obvious move, I don't want to elaborate.

 

I asked him what if his wife has hired a PI and gets proof of his adultery what would he do. He told me NOTHING will stop him from being with me, he's says he will fight his wife and he WILL go through with it no matter what. Even if she has a PI now... it would not stop him. She's already tacking his phone calls and see's he's still talking to me... yet he continues to stick by me. He REFUSES to cut me off. He's says he's not going to allow anythign to get in his way.

 

Turns out his wife HAS threatened divorce over this affair and to take him for every cent he's got... so we wouldn't be surpirsed if she has hired a PI. But he says NOTHING will stop him from proving me wrong and being with me. I have left out a lot of details, I don't want to post here. But I've made the decision that I am going to ease up on him completely... wait a while... see the progress... and take the risk.

 

I'll post if I have an update...

 

I don't know why I'm paranoid about this wife reading my posts, it's crazy. Just wanted to post my decision here... and I will post updates. Let's see if my MM really does prove me wrong...

[newbby]

when will you know?

[whichwayisup]

Well, good luck then. I hope he follows through on his promises.

 

I still think the less time you two spend together for the next while is a good thing.

[DepressedWaiting]

I hope he follows through with his promises too. He should know more in a couple of weeks. I'm not going to post any further details about the situaton here. I don't think it's a good idea. So please don't ask for any further details.

 

In my gut... I really do feel he WILL go through with it... it's just going to take time. I'll take the risk and keep my fingers crossed.

 

I'd rather let this thread die... I'll post updates and progress as it happens.

 

In the meantime, I have made my decision. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, stop giving him complete h*ll constantly and will ease up (he's going to SHOCKED that I can actually do it, I mean... changing my ways towards him because I never have been able to do so thus far). I'm going to distance myself... meaning STOP my behavior towards him... I don't think you guys know how much of a nightmare I am towards him. I'm shocked he's still talking to me... any other man would have run for the hills by now.

 

But I've made my decision... there is no point in continuing to give him h*ll. I've made my decision... so I will give him the benefit of the doubt for the first time EVER.

 

So I guess... time will tell ALL

[whichwayisup]

I haven't asked and I won't. I don't need to know those kind of details actually so it's okay.

 

Don't give him hell, just give him time and space to work through all this stuff. Enjoy life as it is and don't stress out. Noone can control the outcome of this situation so you might as well keep busy and have some fun!

[Owl]

DW-

 

I just have that 'gut feeling' that in a few weeks when his answer is due to you and you ask again, he's going to tell you "a few more weeks". And then the next time it will be "I should know in a month or so".

 

I know I don't have all the details, but it's hard for me to believe that he can't pin down dates and times to some degree.

[DepressedWaiting]

Owl, yes I agree with you and feel exactly the same way. That's my biggest issue. He did tell me he HIGHLY doubts that 2 or 3 months from now that he hasn't filed for divorce yet but he doesn't want to tell me it's 100% sure as he doesn't want to tell me something he doesn't know.

 

This issue he has to take care of first is VERY important. He would be crazy to not deal with it beforehand. Believe me... he desperately wants this issue taken care of a.s.a.p. It's actually quite urgent and very serious. It MUST be done BEFORE he files or it will be too late. What I just wrote sounds idiotic and doesn't make sense as I haven't told you what the issue is. I don't want to mention what it is and post it here. I don't know (I know I'm silly paranoid)... but I just don't feel comfortable posting it in an open forum. I think his wife is reading this! I know she isn't but I'm paranoid.

 

I cannot keep treating him the way I treat him... constant yelling... nonstop interrogation... not a single visit or conversation where I don't end up interrogating him for hours and giving him h*ll. You guys don't know how relentless I really am to him... I mean... I certainy do not make anything easy for him. He's not having his cake and eating it too with me. It would be much easier for him to leave me than go through what he is going through with me.

 

I've made a decision to myself... screw him and what he says right now. My decision is that I will give him one month... throughout this month I will ease up on him completey and STOP my behavior towards him. If after this month I see this issue he needs to take care of still hasn't been completed... or he still doesn't know when he's going to file... he will have h*ll from me once again. I understand that he's never done anything like this before... it's all very new and confusing and freightening to him... so I will ease up. Give him a chance... and see what the progress is in one month.

 

By then if he is still doesn't have concrete solid and strict deadlines... I won't be sticking around. NOWAY. I'm not going to allow it.

 

Unfortunately this issue that he needs to take care of first... is out of his hands. He told me it could be completed in two weeks... maybe a month. He does not know. It's up to the estate attorney his mother is working with in another state (don't ask). He is in constant commication and it's in the works as we speak. As soon as it's done... he's ready to file immediately... then there's NOTHING left to stop him.

[Sami_D]

DW... I'm just wondering why he'd want to move from one bad marriage into another with a woman that won't stop hassling him... is the man mad..?

 

I don't know you or him, but I've heard of 'exit affairs'... that's not going on here, right..?

 

Does he love you despite your (apparently) pushy nature..? Do you two have a great time together..? How's it all going apart from the divorce..?

[DepressedWaiting]

Sami D, absolutely not. You are way off... very very very off.

 

No, this is not an exit affair. Yes, I am most certanly not pleasant to him... any other man would have run for the hills by now. He knows the reason I am like this is because I am beyond fed up over this situation and I'm not about to make it easy for him. Gosh, it would be so much easier for him to move on and forget about me.

 

What you say is so off base it's hysterical (sorry don't mean to be rude, it's very difficult because you guys don't know him or me at all, just based on what I'm writing)... this is NOT a man who could be categorized into the "exit affair" type. NOWAY. His wife finding out was the LAST thing on earth he would have ever wanted. Now he has h*ll at home... his wife has hired a PI (not 100% certain but VERY likely because she even managed to trace a *67 call I made)... quit her job... and is hounding him... yelling at him constantly... and watching him like a hawk... and threatening to get proof of his affair and take him for every cent (which she of course cannot do). Courts do not care about affairs, it would not help her get a larger portion of assests. MANY divorce attorneys have informed me of this.

 

I have decided for the very first time ever... that I am giving him one month of no turmoil... see if there's progress... if not... all h*ll is going to break lose.

 

Even through all the turmoil... yes he still wants to prove me wrong and promises he WILL prove me wrong and that it is in the works as we speak and that he will 100% go through with it and that he has NO doubt in his mind. He is willing to sacrifice half of everything he has to be with me. His whole life will change.. he's going to have to start all over again... almost.

 

He has made me promise him that I won't be like this towards him when he is divorced and he wants us to go to counseling which I have agreed to and would actually insist on him doing so with me. He tells me that NOBODY and NOTHING in his entire life has caused him so much pain and grief and suffering as I have caused him (my feelings about this are mutual and I can say the same about him). Yet he still cannot live without me and wants to be with me more than anything. He says he would rather have bad times with me than have it easy with someone else.

 

But exit affair.... noway... not even close. Not only that... he has very bad anxiety and cannot handle stress and has panic attacks. Do you know when he got anxiety? Two years ago... when our affair got more serious and started getting really ugly. He had to go see a therapist... all the stress and emotional chaos... it triggerd his anxiety... now he has to take zoloft and xanax and says I'm the 80% cause/blame for it and I've basically driven him to insanity

 

When I tell my mother what I do him him... she feels sorry for him. I tell her everything except that he's having an affair with me. She is shocked that he's still even talking to me. Perhaps he really is a mad man. In my eyes... he deserves it... prove me wrong and then I'll take it easy.

 

He loves to see me when I'm sick and defenseless... like when I have the time-of-the-month I get REALLY bad stomach pains and I'm out cold for hours. He holds me for hours... only time he really ever gets a break.

[Sami_D]

Well that is why I asked... how's it going apart from the divorce..? If you read my post again you will see it's about questions, not about comments.

 

But the fact he wants to go to counselling with you after the divorce... is that a good thing? What does he think are the problems between you two..? What are the good things, etc..? What is going on with you two apart from his painful divorce..?

[DepressedWaiting]

We don't have an abusive relationship or anything like that. Not at all. basically in summary... I just don't give him an easy time whatsoever over this situation... I've had it... and my pain level has remained at such a high level for way too long. I'm an emotional wreck, I'm not msyelf anymore.

 

If he were single... it would definitely not be like this. We would get along very well. I enjoy being with him more than anything in this world... he also tells me that when he is with me.... NOTHING makes him feel better. He says he cannot even describe how I make him feel.

 

We also have many things in common. I don't want to post too much.. that's the problem. I think I've posted too many details, I'm paranoid about being so open and detailed in a public forum. You never know who might accidentally stumble upon my posts.

 

If he were single, it would not be turmoil like this. This isn't a concern.

 

Edit: Actually, he wants me to go to counseling with him RIGHT NOW so that we can work together and I will stop being against him... not really after divorce. I told him that is crazy and noway. I am the one demanding he go to counseling with me AFTER divorce... not him. I talked him into counseling after divorce... so nows he agress and we've promised each other we would go if at that time either of us wanted to.

 

He wasn't cncerned about after divorce.. he wanted me to go now so that I would be able to deal with the situation and give him a break and support him through this. I told him that is crazy... ANY therapist would of course tell me to go NC. It is obvious. I don't know what he's thinking. Can you imagine? I can just picture the look on the therapist's face when a married man and his mistress sign up for couples counseling!

[Sami_D]

Well I don't know if a therapist would tell a couple who were intending to be together to stop talking to each other... and if they did, I'd change therapists

 

Not sure where 'abusive' came into it all... but I was just asking how things were going between you two. Because it all sounds to aggressive and confrontational. Was it you I recommended reading the gloryb.com forum on Surviving Divorce and how long drawn out it can be..? It's just that I read all this from you here and wonder... what's happening to your loving R with this man in the midst of all this turmoil..?

[DepressedWaiting]

Sami D, yes.. you are the one who recommend I read

gloryb.com .. I did read lots of it

 

They had some good articles in there.

 

Actually I also ventured off onto some divorce sites where I read tons of posts about men going through divorce. Some of those divorce posts were really nasty! Many of the divorces I read have lasted for SEVERAL months and still hasn't ended. Both spouses trapped inside the house together since neither spouse can leave. Big mistake because if you leave the house you will end up paying higher alimony or even losing the house.

 

So you don't think a therapist would tell me to go NC immediately if we went to counseling? I think they would. They'd tell me I have no business being involved with this man and that I should go NC until he has taken care of his business. Easier said than done

[DepressedWaiting]

I'm getting all filled with doubt and worry again. It's tough when you come here and read all the negative (yet realistic) posts about these situations. I've read so many articles on these situations and researched it, read books on it... NOTHING I read is positive.

 

So here I am brainwashing myself CONSTANTLY reading nightmare posts with all this information... and then when I see or talk to MM... all of this surfaces and he is the enemy. Enemy I've been reading about constantly. It just gets me all worked up.

 

I just need to take a breather, let it simmer for a month. Or at least 3 weeks... (I won;t make it an entire month)... so I'll setlle for 3 weeks... I've actualy marked it on my calendar... see if there is progress in the correct direction.

[Sami_D]

DW I have no idea what a therapist would say... I am just thinking logically about relationships, and I don't think that any therapist worth having would be so judgemental to take into consideration marriages and mistresses. Any worth their salt surely would be more interested in people and relationships (hey, bear in mind I'm in England... I have no idea)

 

And yeah... months, if not years... take a step back would be my suggestion. But what do I know..? You being pushy might be jsut the thing that GOT him divorcing in the first place... that's why I was asking all those questions earlier 'my' MM said just the other day I was totally right to keep pointing out to him what the situation is and how we should be moving forward. Things read differently when you condense them here, so it's hard to tell.

 

Anyway. I always like reading your posts because i love the way he keeps insisting he's going to prove those internet feckers wrong LOL good on him

[Sami_D]

So here I am brainwashing myself CONSTANTLY reading nightmare posts with all this information... and then when I see or talk to MM... all of this surfaces and he is the enemy. Enemy I've been reading about constantly. It just gets me all worked up..

 

Hey... that is exactly what happens to me too. I read all this stuff and end up sending him a snitty email about how he is. And he really isn't. I just need to satisfy my own mind, and my own worries. I come here to read the worst that happens, and to reassure myself that he's not like that. But I haven't been here for a week. Because this was the week that he was going to be with her and no contact with me... only as it turned out, I was so sad about that he ended up calling me every day this week.

 

Who knows how it will turn out..?

[DepressedWaiting]

Oh yes, to him this is all internet bogus and the articles are bogus and I shouldn't be paying attention and that I'm being brainwashed and it's causing the situation to be worse because I'm taking it out on him. Everytime I read something bad I freak out and STICK it in his face and drill him with it!

 

Instead he insists we go to a therapist RIGHT NOW... where we can both sit down face to face with a therpist and do it the proper way. I'll give him a 3 week break and check the progress... but I also think it's good to calmly remind him often that this has gone on long enough and he better get moving. I'll just do it in a different manner than I have been doing thus far. I'm not going to sit back and say... oh sure honey.. take as long as you like.. I'll wait here forever. That's sending the wrong signal.

[Sami_D]

Well to be honest I suppose if someone knows their own mind, and 'the internet' is saying that that's not likely, then it can get somewhat fraught.

 

As for the rest... I just don't know what to say. Some men love to be bossed around and told how it is. Mine doesn't... and that makes it a doubly hard job to deal with a MM... but I think it will all be ok for me... and I have a teeny gut feeling that it might for you too but HUM ... who wants a man who needs that kind of administration..? I would be worn out LOL!!!!!

[DepressedWaiting]

SamiD, yes.. same here. When I come here or read any bad articles or other peoples stories it REALLY gets me worked up and makes my pain worse. Even when the stories I read.. whereas I know my MM isn't like that... I convince myself that he secreetly is that monster I just read about.

 

There are MANY married men out there who do leave their wives even after long drawn out affairs. Even if it's only 3%...that is a LOT of men. Who knows how accurate those statictics really are anyway. I'll proceed with caution.. go with your gut... see how it turns out. Hopefully it will all work out

[Sami_D]

When I come here or read any bad articles or other peoples stories it REALLY gets me worked up and makes my pain worse. Even when the stories I read.. whereas I know my MM isn't like that... I convince myself that he secreetly is that monster I just read about.

 

Yep... that is me too. After my hideous last R, I have the unfortunate habit of looking up any disastrous circumstance or personality problem I may be running into. That's the sole reason I found myself on this forum. Because actually I've not been suffering anything like the problems I've read about... BUT... I'm even more worried than I ever would have been (reading all this) that our R won't work out. And I try to reason with myself that the stories I read here are the worst of the worst... It's like when you get a spot and look it up online and suddenly think you have cancer... wheras if you had just gone to your doctor it is only... well... a spot.

 

And millions of women have affairs with MM and it's all ok... but if you come here... it's the end of the universe...

[My_Other_I]

The thing is that most of the affairs are never discovered. Some just end naturally, and some are discovered.

When an A is exposed, that's when hell starts. And that's when people come here

 

So my point is: yes, millions of people are having affairs, but only a small percentage ends up in a 'discovery mess'. That is the percentage that sticks out. If it sticks out, it will be talked about and judged. That's human nature.

[Sami_D]

The thing is that most of the affairs are never discovered. Some just end naturally, and some are discovered.

When an A is exposed, that's when hell starts. And that's when people come here

 

Funny, because I've not read one story here that began with an affair being discovered. And I've been here for a little while now.

[DepressedWaiting]

I hear you, I see exactly what you mean.

 

Ironically, my MM's wife... her first husband had an affair with an OW which lasted over a year... she felt something was wrong so she hired a PI and busted him. He ended up divorcing her and leaving her for the OW. She hasn't seen or heard from her ex-husband ever since the divorce was finalized years ago. So it does happen.

 

Now it's happening to her again with her current husband... I feel bad. That is terrible enough to go through it once... but to go through it again. I didn't even find this out until recently.

 

Looks like it's going to happen to her again. I'm almost wishing I were lesbian instead the more I learn about men

[DepressedWaiting]

SamiD, I accidentally told my MM's wife everything 3 weeks ago (it's a long story). You'd have to read all my past long confusing threads. But once I got his wife on the phone I tried to fry him and really let the cat out of the bag. I screwed him over and betrayed him and told his wife everything. His wife now knows and has quit her job... is threatening to take him for every cent and hire a PI and get proof. He is going through h*ll right now.

 

This is what happened in her first marriage exactly... except she discovered the affair with a PI.

 

I'm amazed he has stuck by me.

[newbby]

The thing is that most of the affairs are never discovered. Some just end naturally, and some are discovered.

When an A is exposed, that's when hell starts. And that's when people come here

 

So my point is: yes, millions of people are having affairs, but only a small percentage ends up in a 'discovery mess'. That is the percentage that sticks out. If it sticks out, it will be talked about and judged. That's human nature.

 

i think the MAJORITY that seek out a discussion forum are those whose a is not going well. the percentage you hear about are obviously just those that have been discovered or admitted to.

i do find myself struggling sometimes with some posters here. it is really difficult to assess somebody elses relationship. sometimes my instinct is that somebody is being played and sometimes it is that the relationship looks hopeful, but really, how would i know?

that is why it is probably best NOT to assess somebody elses relationship, but just let them come here and talk and vent, unless it is very obvious either way. it is a tricky thing to do though.