johan Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 Let's say you're repressing feelings for the ex. Maybe you're angry. Maybe there was another cute guy/girl who was interested in you. After a long-term relationship, how long do you wait before you go on a date with someone else? How long before you kiss? How long before you go to bed?
chocolate_boy Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 I feel ready, but I just don't meet people usually. I go out with drinking buddies, but I've never been a guy who can pick up girls in clubs. No real prospects of meeting anyone through my friends either, so I'm pretty much guaranteed to be single for a long time again I think.
Author johan Posted December 29, 2005 Author Posted December 29, 2005 Ok, let me pose the question another way: Let's say you always have women/men around who are willing and available. After you break up with someone, how long do you wait? If you have no clue that you'll ever have another chance with the ex, how long do you have to wait so that your feelings for the ex are not questioned? How long do you have to wait so that the ex would not be justified in feeling betrayed or minimized?
seachange Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 Let's say you're repressing feelings for the ex. Maybe you're angry. Maybe there was another cute guy/girl who was interested in you. After a long-term relationship, how long do you wait before you go on a date with someone else? How long before you kiss? How long before you go to bed? Not long enough, probably. I wish I could wait until I was completely over someone to start with someone new, but it's happened before that I steamed ahead thinking I was and then I discovered I'm not. That ended up hurting me more because it dredged up a bunch of stuff I didn't even know was buried...but it could also be that in the long run, it was better to bring all that stuff out so that I could deal with it. I dunno. Right now, I'm still in the mourning stage and although I've been out on a few dates, I worry that it isn't fair to them or me to get more serious...by which I mean, not just emotionally but also physically. There's still a part of me that wants to stay "faithful" (shrug) - which means I guess that I'm definitely not over my ex yet. Maybe the answer is, when it doesn't feel like cheating anymore? Ugh. I really wish I had a better answer to this question. Edited to add - just read your addendum, Johan, and wanted to clarify that I don't actually think it would be cheating to date others. Not intellectually. But my heart isn't fully on board with that for some reason...it's like I think I'm "saving myself" or something. Even though I know it's ridiculous.
JS17 Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 There is no set time Johan. Everyone will feel differently and of course it will hurt more when the dumper is the one moving on first. For the dumper to move on quickly it negates the relationship in the eyes of the dumpee. When you move on quickly it feels like it never meant anything and being out of the relationship even just emotionally before ending it feels like betrayal. She's probably not differentiating between feeling betrayed and feeling as though you had cheated on her.
Art_Critic Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 With me I normally wait about 3-6 months before dating someone else.. I prefer to put time into myself after a breakup and rebalance myself so I'm ready for the next victim If my heart was really invested in the pother person ( meaning I was really in Love ) then I tend to wait 9-12 months.. I think a lot of it has to do with how vested you were with her..
slubberdegullion Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 A_C is absolutely right about the depth of the relationship in context of how long to wait. Now, what may work for him may not work for you, but before you test the dating waters again, make sure that there isn't leaden baggage tied around your ankles. king of the silly metaphor
Outcast Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 before you test the dating waters again, make sure that there isn't leaden baggage tied around your ankles. Love this! Not a 'silly' metaphor at all.
Geoffrey Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 I just got out a 14-month relationship (six weeks already) that was a really good one for the most part. If the right person were to come along, perhaps I'd go for it. But I'm not rushing into anything right now. I just can't. But I too am still in mourning....and I know she is also...she cries every time we talk on the phone or I see her briefly...we've been doing NC just to try to avoid the tears and old sentimental feelings....it's been tough on both of us (although she may downplay it to her friends, I know far better). I want to be able and strong enough to give 100% for the next lucky girl. She had someone waiting in the wings....that's gonna bite her in the shorts one day when the old, unresolved feelings we shared surface again. It is getting slightly easier each day, but I wish I could stop thinking about her....letting go sure takes a LOT LONGER than most people realize.
Author johan Posted December 29, 2005 Author Posted December 29, 2005 What does it mean when a guy goes on a date or two with a girl within a couple months of breaking up, kisses her, gets intimate with her, gets overwhelmed by feelings for the ex, and backs off from the new girl? What do you think of a guy like that? What does it mean when he realizes there's no future with the new girl and he only loves the ex? What should the ex think of what happened?
teethbrushes Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 hmm, I waited four days and he waited three weeks. Clearly, neither of us were ready and all things turned disastrous.
Art_Critic Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 What does it mean when a guy goes on a date or two with a girl within a couple months of breaking up, kisses her, gets intimate with her, gets overwhelmed by feelings for the ex, and backs off from the new girl? What do you think of a guy like that? What does it mean when he realizes there's no future with the new girl and he only loves the ex? What should the ex think of what happened? leaden baggage tied around your ankles
My_Other_I Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 What does it mean when a guy goes on a date or two with a girl within a couple months of breaking up, kisses her, gets intimate with her, gets overwhelmed by feelings for the ex, and backs off from the new girl? What do you think of a guy like that? I would think that he needs more time, thank for the fun time and let the guy be. A decent girl would understand, as I'm sure she would have had a similiar experience of her own. Nothing to be ashamed of. What does it mean when he realizes there's no future with the new girl and he only loves the ex? That means that the guy IS NOT READY to date yet and needs more time to heal and figure himself out. Time is a natural healer; don't push it, don't think it's taking longer than it should. Just allow yourself to truly go through the whole process and become you again. Than you are ready. Sometime you will always love your ex. Just make a special place for her in your heart, put her in there, accept the fact that she's gone and make space for others who you might love as well. What should the ex think of what happened? And why would the ex need to know?! Why would you care about what she should think?
simon sez Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 I am a slow healer and it usually takes me about an hour.... Move on and move forward... Too many people out there to worry about just one person.....
sick of it Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 She had someone waiting in the wings....that's gonna bite her in the shorts one day when the old, unresolved feelings we shared surface again. Is that common to happen?
Brittanyjean06 Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 You seem really confused johan. all these questions your asking?.......what does it meen??? you know what it meens! you know it meens you are not ready-- you are still attached- dating is not the best thing for you to do right now- making friends is.....those will be worth something not any dates! It is tempting but who said you have to start dating even within a cuple of months after your break up??? did you date like that before you met your ex??? or were you that type of guy who had alot of friends- was a good person that your ex possibly fell in love with what im saying is you are not ready at all! you need other priorities on your hands right now 1
blind_otter Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Let's say you're repressing feelings for the ex. Maybe you're angry. Maybe there was another cute guy/girl who was interested in you. After a long-term relationship, how long do you wait before you go on a date with someone else? How long before you kiss? How long before you go to bed? Not long enough. One of my ex's the other day was like, have you ever been single? It sounds terrible...it IS terrible. The longest I've been single is 3 months or so. Since I started dating, anyways. Oh, but the first couple of guys I date after a LTR usually get dumped quickly because I get this icky feeling, ostensibly old attachments to the ex. Or maybe fear of intimacy. Whatever. A few times I've dated others and returned, like a dog to its own vomit, to my ex, with intense feelings of love and longing. It never turns out well. They resent you for dating someone else, and the old problems always resurface.
Geoffrey Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Quote: Originally Posted by Geoffrey She had someone waiting in the wings....that's gonna bite her in the shorts one day when the old, unresolved feelings we shared surface again. Is that common to happen? It has never happened to me before....so it is uncharted territory for me. I did kinda see it coming for the last month or two, so I braced myself and made the decision to leave the relationship about a month before she came to the same conclusion. I wanted to give it time to see if it perhaps would go the other way, which it didn't. I thought I was being fair to her in doing this, but I know she is still pretty sad about the whole thing...even six weeks later. We haven't spoken since Xmas eve and whenever we do, it sets us both back in the healing process and she cries. I still have some things at her house that I want to get back, she claims she wants to pack them for me, but it has been a month already since I've moved out and no progress has been made on her end. Is she perhaps holding on....??
Art_Critic Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Is she perhaps holding on....?? Or are you ??
Geoffrey Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Well....if I weren't....I probably wouldn't be writing so much about it....
Yamaha Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Until I realize there is no chance of getting back with the ex. Once my hope is gone and the pain is lessened I am ready to pursue another. I would not worry about what the ex thinks or others as it is your decision and your life.
Author johan Posted December 30, 2005 Author Posted December 30, 2005 Until I realize there is no chance of getting back with the ex. Once my hope is gone and the pain is lessened I am ready to pursue another. I would not worry about what the ex thinks or others as it is your decision and your life. I think so, too. I think I was doing what was right for me. It doesn't matter so much that I still loved her. It just matters that I was convinced we were through. If I knew for sure that another chance was coming, I wouldn't have bothered with anyone else at all. Because I really love her and she could step in and take the #1 spot ANY time. Of course, my feelings for her matter if the person I date starts getting close. Deceiving myself or the new girl is not right. But dating itself can be great therapy. Doesn't always have to be a rebound disaster. Being out with attractive, interesting women is one of the funnest things you can do. A little intimacy is sometimes just part of it. But what the ex thinks matters if you attempt a second chance. That's what drove me to ask. Because she didn't respond well to the fact that I went out with someone. She didn't like the idea of me kissing the other girl. To be honest, it's really not her business. She asked. And she pressed for details. And if she heard something she didn't like, I can't help that. And if it kills hope for the second chance, then did she really love me enough for it to have worked? I'd say if she did love me enough, she'd overlook it. If she can't, then I'm not sure it makes any difference. 1
Yamaha Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Mt ex still cares for me but does not want a serious relationship ( baggage ). When I told her I could not just wait around for her to decide on us, I broke it off. She got so mad and hated me ( still does ). I still love her but I cannot spend my life waiting for her. It is hard but you must make that move for your own sanity. As for a second chance, I don't think I would want one as she said some pretty harsh things to me and has never apologized for them. It really is sad when someone is to stubborn to admit they were wrong and their pride has the up-most importance. I wish you luck if she wants to get back together.
Author johan Posted December 30, 2005 Author Posted December 30, 2005 You seem really confused johan. all these questions your asking?.......what does it meen??? you know what it meens! you know it meens you are not ready-- you are still attached- dating is not the best thing for you to do right now- making friends is.....those will be worth something not any dates! It is tempting but who said you have to start dating even within a cuple of months after your break up??? did you date like that before you met your ex??? or were you that type of guy who had alot of friends- was a good person that your ex possibly fell in love with what im saying is you are not ready at all! you need other priorities on your hands right now Thanks, Brittany. You are partly right. I am still attached. I can't deny that. I'm pretty sure my ex doesn't have what it takes to really be together. Especially now. I guess the question whether I'm ready to date, depends how you define the word "date". I'd like to have some kind of light relationships. Why not go to dinner or movies or whatever one-on-one with a great girl? Maybe we don't hurry home and get naked. Maybe we aren't exclusive. I'm assuming this is possible. I've not done it much. But women heal me, and I see no reason to wait to heal. I don't heal with men. I just compete and laugh and do stupid stuff that distracts me. I don't think I'm ready to get serious and start moving toward marriage with someone. I think I've got too much love for the ex. I think I need to heal. That's what I think today.
JS17 Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Sounds like you're about to really start dealing with the breakup and accept that it is over. Do what you need to do and if it's casual dating then do it, just be upfront about it. I think that maybe laughing and distraction aren't such a bad thing...spend some times with your friends too.
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