How can I stop loving him?

[Tennisnonpro1223]

Have been sexually involved with a man for 6 years. He moved to Cali from the East Coast even though his wife and young kids were crying for him not to go, bc he says he got a higher profile job offer that pays more & he is “selfish.” He said they never wanted to move to Cali so, they just parted ways. Lied to me about getting divorced, though- never did it. Said he was only staying married to keep access to his son & daughter. Yet any time I sent his wife evidence of his relationship with me, she’d get furious and block him from seeing the kids, the little amount of time he was actually planning to see them anyway.
He told me his ex (before his wife) & him reconnected right before he left the East Coast, but he never did anything sexual w the ex, but she was going to move to Cali with him instead of his wife, but then he didn’t want her to even though she was the “perfect woman” because he just wanted to be on his own. “I abandon people and have no emotion or remorse,” he told me. “Even my own son & daughter.” I spoke with this ex and guess what? She never knew him before he was married. She became his mistress when his son was only 2. She sent me desperate messages to her from his wife, saying he told her he wanted to work on their marriage but the wife was like “I have to know, is he with you too??” And when his ex told me the date of that message… it was RIGHT when the guy started sleeping with me

I love him and we’ve spent a ton of time together and talking for 6 years. He loves to point out he’s never loved me and we are just friends who have sex. He won’t do anything public in my real life, like attend my friends’ parties or my child’s birthday. The other day I used his bathroom & the only towel around for drying my hands, had 2 black smudged areas & a foundation area. When I later asked him about it, he gaslighted me & said I was nuts, that the towel didn’t exist, then that it was from his housekeeper (why would she soil his towel w her makeup then leave it out?), then told he he refused to speak to me until I apologized.
I told his wife about the towel, describing features of the bathroom when I did, and now he said he hates me and never wants to see me again bc she’s refusing to let him see the kids again. Ok, so if they have no marriage left, why does she get so mad & keep him from the kids if he’s sleeping w another woman? My problem is I love him so much & believe he’s irreplaceable. I cannot move on no matter how I try & right now spend all my time thinking, how can I get him to forgive me & see me again? (He’s gotten over me sending much worse evidence of our affair in past.)
He’s also always been cold. he would text me things leading me to believe we weren’t just friends, but in person would never kiss/hold my hand/cuddle, just order me to start doing sexual acts? Then he’d leave, never once spending the night. But would claim he was leaving his wife for me for a while. But I love him and have literally never been able to move on from him, why??

[Weezy1973]

14 minutes ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

But I love him and have literally never been able to move on from him, why??

Usually it’s childhood stuff. Self worth issues etc. But honestly the why isn’t important. Moving on will be very hard but it’s definitely possible. You just have to block him so he can’t contact you and delete him from all your social apps and phone so you can’t contact him. He sounds like a narcissist so you “loving” him (what you describe in no way resembles a healthy loving relationship) while he gives you nothing in return is basically his fuel. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

“I abandon people and have no emotion or remorse,” he told me. “Even my own son & daughter.”

Well, isn’t he a walking red flag.

You contradict yourself - 

1 hour ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

I love him and we’ve spent a ton of time together and talking for 6 years.

And then

1 hour ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

He loves to point out he’s never loved me

 

1 hour ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

then told he he refused to speak to me until I apologized.

 

1 hour ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

he said he hates me and never wants to see me again

 

1 hour ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

He’s also always been cold. he would text me things leading me to believe we weren’t just friends, but in person would never kiss/hold my hand/cuddle, just order me to start doing sexual acts?

None of the above is an acceptable way for a man to treat a woman. That is not love, it’s not even the bare minimum of respect or care that I would expect in any relationship - even those that are not an intimate relationship with a man. 

I understand that you are having a difficult time letting go, but to be very honest I’m not sure why. This man has behaved tears you in a very emotionally abusive way. 

I have two suggestions for you - 

1. Stop tattling to his wife. That is a ridiculous thing for you to be doing. She is his wife, what happens in their marriage is between them. You have no business interjecting yourself in their marriage. 

2. if you have not seen a counsellor, please seek help. Find a counsellor or go to a women’s shelter - educate yourself on abusive relationships because my friend, you are in a very self destructive and abusive relationship. 

Good luck to you.

Edited April 8 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

Still thinking about this - 

No doubt, you tattle to his wife because you are hoping that she will leave him, or perhaps you are seeking proof that they have no marriage left to justify your involvement.  

Two things you know for sure - 

1. He is very definitely married with children. Full stop. They could fight every day, he could sleep down the hall or in another location - they are still married with children. There is no justification that would make it ok to be in a sexual relationship with this man. 

2. You can’t trust a word that he says. How do you know that? He lied to you about his ex. And he lied to his wife about both of you. 

If I was his wife, I would find it amusing that you would continue to contact me to complain about your affair partner. You would have zero credibility and I would not be inclined in any way to help you to fix the problems in your affair…

This man has left a trail of unhealthy relationships and romantic entanglements. He’s not going to suddenly become a reformed man and stay true to you. The fact that you tolerate this very unhealthy situation is really very sad to me. I hope you find your dignity and self respect someday -

Edited April 8 by BaileyB

[Gebidozo]

What Bailey says.

You’re both absolutely toxic, destructive, and self-destructive. It’s just terrible to read, honestly.

What to do? My advice - live in a monastery for a while. Or something like that. Do a spiritual retreat. Take a break from romance completely. Be alone. Meditate. Repent the adultery and the attempt to destroy other people’s marriage. Pray. Be forgiven and forgive yourself. Start loving yourself. Then, much later, find a good single man.

[happyhorizons]

38 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

What Bailey says.

You’re both absolutely toxic, destructive, and self-destructive. It’s just terrible to read, honestly.

What to do? My advice - live in a monastery for a while. Or something like that. Do a spiritual retreat. Take a break from romance completely. Be alone. Meditate. Repent the adultery and the attempt to destroy other people’s marriage. Pray. Be forgiven and forgive yourself. Start loving yourself. Then, much later, find a good single man.

It is indeed hard to read.  OP, you really do deserve so much better 

[Gebidozo]

13 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

It is indeed hard to read.  OP, you really do deserve so much better 

Whoa, wait. First of all, nobody deserves anything. Second, the OP’s behavior is every bit as destructive, delusional, ridden with deep emotional insecurities, and harmful as that of her lover.

[Tennisnonpro1223]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

Whoa, wait. First of all, nobody deserves anything. Second, the OP’s behavior is every bit as destructive, delusional, ridden with deep emotional insecurities, and harmful as that of her lover.

Why?

[BaileyB]

39 minutes ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

Why?

Serious question? 

You are here moaning about the fact that you want this man back - a man who is married to another woman and has been emotionally abusive to you…

And you say - how exactly is my decision making delusional, destructive, and ridden with deep emotional insecurities? 

I don’t think so…

Edited April 8 by BaileyB

[happyhorizons]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

Whoa, wait. First of all, nobody deserves anything. Second, the OP’s behavior is every bit as destructive, delusional, ridden with deep emotional insecurities, and harmful as that of her lover.

I did NOT say that she was NOT wrong. I just think she needs to NOT be involved with him. 

[S2B]

No one can help you until you become miserable enough to help yourself.

I would think this whole scenario would make you miserable - so it’s hard to imagine why it hasn’t yet.

please seek professional therapy… you deserve way more than this guy can offer to you… which is him offering basically nothing.

[stillafool]

Why do you continue to contact his wife?  Are you trying to get her to leave him?  If so, forget it.  She knows who he is, but the thing is, as horrible as he treats you and the others, he married her and is not going to leave her.  Why isn't a man telling you he doesn't love you and will never be with you enough to hurt your self esteem and pride to force you to stop engaging with this man.  You can do it.  You just don't want to because you refuse to let him go.  Don't even waste your money on therapy because this is something you can do yourself but you won't.  One day you will look up and realize you're too old to get anyone else because you've wasted all your good years trying to get someone else's husband to love you, even though he told you a long time ago he never will.

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

 in person would never kiss/hold my hand/cuddle, just order me to start doing sexual acts? Then he’d leave, never once spending the night. But would claim he was leaving his wife for me for a while.

But I love him and have literally never been able to move on from him, why??

Sounds like you have some sort of issue where you're "desperate for approval." The more he treats you like dirt, the more it triggers your "need" to seek his approval/love.

If so, you'd probably need a therapist to answer your question accurately.

What you describe loosely aligns to an insecure-paired-with-avoidant relationship, although it sounds like a pretty extreme case to me.

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

Why?

Why is your behavior destructive, delusional, ridden with deep emotional insecurities, and harmful?

Or why am I calling your behavior destructive, delusional, ridden with deep emotional insecurities, and harmful?

The second question is easy to answer: you are having an affair with a married man who is emotionally abusive to you, ruining his family in the process. If that isn’t destructive, delusional, ridden with deep emotional insecurities, and harmful, then what is?

The first question is much harder to answer. That’s why I suggested a complete break, a drastic change of scenario, self-isolation and soul-searching. If you’re religious, I’d really suggest spiritual reading and conversations with people from your community. Or, you could try therapy. All those serve a similar purpose: to help you find out why you’re behaving like this.

[Wiseman2]

Respect yourself and your attachment to this heel will end.

[MsJayne]

Your post was hard to read and I'm not sure where to start. Maybe with the fact that he's, literally, told you that he's emotionally disturbed, he doesn't form normal attachments, he has no problem jeopardising the well-being of his own children, he abandoned the family unit for money and 'profile', not because he's a hard-working, loving husband and father who wanted to better the family's future. That's why his wife didn't want to go with him, she knows him better than you ever will and knows his motives are self-serving, nothing to do with her or their children. You believe you're a part of his life, but you're actually just part of his weird machinating, nothing more than a pawn in a nasty game. You contacting his wife and the ensuing drama is all part of his monstrous ego being fed. Do you think he didn't know you'd do that? As you learned from talking to another mistress, he'd been there before! He reads you like a book, that's how he got you to that point. It's all part of torturing his wife, and you, the willing servant, carried out his dirty deeds without even knowing you'd been had. He's one messed-up piece of work. So, what is there to love about this thoroughly self-absorbed oxygen thief? 

Now on to you contacting his wife...what's going on there? What did you hope to achieve by causing this woman more pain on top of what she already experiences being the wife of a lying, self-obsessed, philandering creep? Maybe open your eyes and your mind to the possibility that he's got a screw loose and you need to get him right out of your life before he does any more damage. You're not in love with him, you've just been intoxicated and manipulated by a narcissist. I recommend counselling, because you're obsessed with this person and teetering on the edge of stalking. Six years is a long time to be played for a fool, please wake up and put your own well-being first by cutting all contact with this nut-job and talking to someone who can give you some support. 

[Tennisnonpro1223]

All these years he’s spoken w me almost daily, had sex with me, got angry and made me feel guilty if I dated someone else even though he remained married… and yet after it all, he tells me he never loved me or wanted a relationship with me and doesn’t want a relationship w anyone? Do you know how much that mindf*cks me and tortures me?

[happyhorizons]

57 minutes ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

All these years he’s spoken w me almost daily, had sex with me, got angry and made me feel guilty if I dated someone else even though he remained married… and yet after it all, he tells me he never loved me or wanted a relationship with me and doesn’t want a relationship w anyone? Do you know how much that mindf*cks me and tortures me?

I would not put much into what he says at this point. It is time to move on and put yourself first.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

All these years he’s spoken w me almost daily, had sex with me, got angry and made me feel guilty if I dated someone else even though he remained married… and yet after it all, he tells me he never loved me or wanted a relationship with me and doesn’t want a relationship w anyone? Do you know how much that mindf*cks me and tortures me?

You have the power to stop this, yet you allow it to continue.   If you want this to stop, start making wise decisions for yourself

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

Do you know how much that mindf*cks me and tortures me?

This is why no contact means no contact. It’s a form of self protection. 

[NuevoYorko]

8 hours ago, Tennisnonpro1223 said:

 Do you know how much that mindf*cks me and tortures me?

Why do you keep going on and on with the sordid details here?  What are you looking for?  Pity?  You've been very clear that you love being treated like toilet paper, so evidently you're having a good old time.  

Meanwhile, you have not answered my question:  Can a good home be found for your child?  Hopefully her father is a reasonable human being who understands that a kid doesn't need to be living in a psychodrama.  

[happyhorizons]

9 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Why do you keep going on and on with the sordid details here?  What are you looking for?  Pity?  You've been very clear that you love being treated like toilet paper, so evidently you're having a good old time.  

Meanwhile, you have not answered my question:  Can a good home be found for your child?  Hopefully her father is a reasonable human being who understands that a kid doesn't need to be living in a psychodrama.  

Maybe, the OP is NOT looking for pity but rather just sharing HOW she is feeling.  Hopefully, she can put this whole ordeal behind her and find happiness down the road.

[NuevoYorko]

It's frustrating to read posts that are bemoaning something repeatedly and then saying that they have no intention of doing anything about it.  Self destruction is painful to watch, but I do respect a person's right to live that way if they choose.  Not drag kids into it.

Very few people would subject themselves to this kind of abusive treatment and ENJOY IT if they were not raised in an environment where they learned that this is somehow "normal" or desirable.   

One would think the OP would prefer not to raise another abuser or person who thinks that being treated like dog poop on somebody's shoe is the only "exciting" way to engage in a relationship.

[S2B]

6 years YOU have allowed him to waste your time!

stop allowing it! Block every way he can contact you and begin to live again! 
 

you’ve done this to yourself by staying in this sick union. So just stop.