blackendangel13 Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 Oh where to start. Its been awhile since I posted here and I thought things were looking up but I am right back to where I started 6 months ago. My ex and I got together really quickly and I wasn't really ready to be in a serious relationship. None the less I tried to make it work but he was extremely selfish and I ended up breaking up with him 6 months ago because I needed to be alone to get myself together and I was unhappy with his "moods". Three months later I had my life back and was doing many positive things for myself. I don't know where the idea came that I wanted him back but it came in like a flood. I had seen him a few times since the breakup and it was always very hard. In early October I tried to speak to him at mutual friends wedding. I said how much I missed him (not in an over-the-top way) and he should call me. He didn't. A week later I saw him out and instead of leaving I took it upon myself to self-medicate with lots of alcohol. Somehow during the night we started hanging out and having a great time together. Now that I took some time away he was much easier for me to deal with. When he was telling me a story I stole a kiss and we ended up making out all night. Then the sex came into play a week later. I'd go over to his house after a night at the bar and we'd hang out for a few hours, then I'd sleep over. He did a lot of little things for me that I wanted when we were together. He'd spoon me (even though he hates it), hold my hand, and take more notice of my needs in the bedroom. I thought we were progressing into something. I started going there more sober and made up my mind to tell him how I felt and get out of the gray zone. While all this was happening I'd ask him to call me. He never would. I'd text him during the week and he wouldn't answer. I made quite an ass of myself in the last month asking him out and trying to talk to him about us. Almost a month has passed since I've seen him. I have been trying for the entire month to have the conversation about "us" but something comes up and I refuse to do it when he is drunk. This past weekend I told him (Friday) I had a gift for him and wanted to see him. I got all dressed up and he never said anything back to me. I went to bed in tears. This is when I realized I had to get out of this gray area because he is treating me like ****. Two days ago I sent him a text. I said Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and the I hope everything works out for him, good luck. He didn't respond. I figured as much and felt I had let it go. Last night he text messaged me back saying "Thanks" and asked if I was moving away or something. I don't know what to say if anything. I am battling my heart here because it wants him back but my head knows it would be a mistake. Does he at least deserve an explanation? I have tried for weeks to set things straight but he has blown me off. I have already made up my mind not to go to any place I will see him. I just don't know what to say anymore. Any ideas?
not_myself Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 Uncanny how similar this was to my situation - about a year ago...and maybe how mine turned out will give you some hints on how to proceed. I was very unsure about the long-term potential of my realtionship for the 1st year due to some of his issues and position in life. I acted quite poorly due to this - I would get upset over stupid things, 'break up' every few weeks, some cheating, and taking him for granted. He finally broke up with me for good - we were making each other crazy and things had detiorated to a bad point. I was upset but went out and dated a bit, we kept in touch a bit, but it was hard. We had a few hook-ups the winter after we broke up and even more the following spring, to the point of actually doing things together. We had planned a little trip together in the Spring, which was nice, but he was also somewhat mean to me...resentful and distrusting. It is weird to try and be with someone in this manner, b/c you have no idea what to expect. Infact you don't even know if you are allowed to have expectations. This grey area is hard, b/c someone doesn't seem to want to put themselves out there again. At the end of the spring I put it all out there and said I loved him and wanted to try again - he said no. He couldnt be with me b/c of all the things that had happened. But I think once a guy who has been struggling to be with you, suddenly has the upperhand - they relaize how much more comfortable that position is and will not give it up. He may not 'succumb' to you again b/c he is in control now and he will not risk getting hurt or broken up with again. He will not give you back that 'power'. Just a theory - and it sounds like a game, but this is how people sometimes protect their feelings..... I would suggest backing off - let him go and see what happens. I stopped talking to my ex for the summer, then had a friendly dinner and dove back into everything - it was nice and mature, but we still ended it a few weeks ago. but I dont regret it. If you keep things liek they are you are might be putting yourself in a position to be taken advantage of. If he was hurt by your break-up he might be acting out in some sort of sub-concious revenge.. Do what makes you comfortable, stable and happy
Author blackendangel13 Posted December 29, 2005 Author Posted December 29, 2005 Thank you for your advice. When we broke up I was the one who initiated the conversation. We fought a lot. He was jealous and selfish and I was somewhat co-dependent at that time. We both wanted to break up I was just the one who finally said it. There was no ill will, but he was a ****ty boyfriend. He took me for granted all the time, then and now. There is no mending this. I finally realized the fool I was making of myself and have resolved this year not to let anyone treat me like dirt and he treats me worse. He treats me like I am just a drunk lay. I guess my question is this. Should I text message him back and give him an explanation of why I said goodbye to him or just leave it be. I am worried that talking to him is just my heart looking for an excuse to excuse his behavior and try again, which is not what my brain wants.
not_myself Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 I also have always had an urge to make things right, communicate my feelings and actions to the other person, but in this case I would recommend to resist that urge. You do not owe him an explination. And you will feel more self-impowered and take charge if you just shut him out and go on with your life. contacting him will just keep this little thread of connection that is So tempting, but it will keep you back. I know the heart vs head struggle oh too well....your heart will evolve to be over him, but your head always knows whats right. So walk away and give your heart some time to catch up with the smart decision you have made
livinlifetofullest Posted January 2, 2006 Posted January 2, 2006 He was treating you as a f*ck buddy, getting all the benefits without the responsibility of a commitment. Hence, he would act all intimate with you at night, but totally ignore you in the morning. I've been there before, and it'll hurt like crap everytime it happens. The only question is, "Do you think you deserve this? Knowing the pattern, is this an arrangement you can accept?" You're trying too hard, Blackendangel13 and he's not giving you the respect you deserve. You cannot get him back right now when he has no respect for you. You're just inviting more pain. Oh, and this is important, DON'T SLEEP WITH HIM ANYMORE! You're just increasing his disrespect for you! My suggestion is to just let him go, start initiating NC till you're able to get him out of your system. If he contacts you, ignore him until you can get him out of your system (even if it's hard). Continue with what you did after you broke up (e.g., improving yourself, finding a hobby, get fit, etc.). It will hurt for the first few weeks, but I promise you'll be a better person for it. And if at that time you want him back when he comes running, then consider it then. But by that time, you'll see him for the selfish guy that he is, and not want him anymore. Hope this helps.
Author blackendangel13 Posted January 2, 2006 Author Posted January 2, 2006 Yes the majority of the time he treated me like a f*** buddy. This is why I walked away. I tried to talk to him about us but he blew me off, not even knowing that I needed to talk about us. There was one time (and this is where I got suckered into believing I was more than a lay) that my girl-friend who knows my ex set me up. She invited me to a bar and I showed up and he was there. I pretty much ignored him the whole night and got drunk. He eventually started flirting with me and pretty soon we were play fighting. I told him I was going to hit him in the face and he wanted me to (guys can be dumb sometimes). Of course I said no so he had his friend hit him. To make a long story short, he got really hurt. I was the one who took care of him. He was wasted and really upset and I was the one who stayed up with him and looked after him. His friends all left him where he was. I stayed with him that night and took his shoes off when he passed out and covered him with my coat because we were in a cold basement. I froze my ass off and didn't get any sleep. When he woke up he grabbed a blanket and layed next to me and went back to sleep. He spooned me, which he NEVER did unless I begged. I didn't even kiss him or anything but he actually thanked me for what I did. I guess it just got my hopes up. After almost a week I am hurting like hell. I packed my phone up when I went out on New Years so I couldn't call him. Some guy at the bar was wearing one of his shirts. Ugh.. I know its for the best but it hurts. I am mad I ever got into this mess. I have not contacted him since I sent the original message.
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