padparadscha Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 Hello everyone!!! I need advice from both males and females, I’m hoping that an opinion form both perspectives may shed some light on what I need to do and help me to decide if I am wrong or right in my way of thinking. BACKGROUND: Over one year ago I placed an ad on several dating sites requesting to meet a professional with the time and money to be able to travel with me. the theme of the ad was “Seeking travel partner, I will not go into all that my ad said, but I will give you a quick idea of how it read: General Personality Characteristics I am a graduate student of Physics who has never been married, have no children and who is an adventurer at heart, one who loves to take risks, to discover and explore new worlds, and to take the untried path rather than the safe, reliable one. I have an independent soul, freedom-loving, and often very restless. I need a lifestyle that provides opportunities for travel, movement, change, and meeting new people. A steady routine which offers much in the way of security but little in the way of space and freedom is odious to me. For me, life is a journey, an adventure, endlessly interesting and rich with possibilities. Commitment, discipline, focus, and concentration are not my strong points. Im highly creative and an incurable optimist, who has big dreams, aspirations, and hopes for the future with a partner who enjoys traveling and weekend get-a-ways. although I am seeking my life partner, I do enjoy and welcome friendship and camaraderie from a man who will allow me my freedom and is not a possessive, clinging, or emotionally demanding partner. I am looking for Someone who shares my ideals, my sense of fun, and my zest for life. As I said this is the short version of my ad. I met several wonderful men, but oneday a man answered my ad who became my “Phone Buddy”. We talked for months by phone and by phone became very close. three or four months later we met. Three months later in January of 2005 we became intimate. In August of 2005 we began dating exclusively. MY DILEMMA/PROBLEM: This man and I began dating based on his dishonesty. We were talking about the fact I was a world traveler, and he spoke about how he loves to travel but never traveled the world. How he has been all over the U.S. He told me how he would love to go sky diving with me, etc. We made plans to get together for the summer and do these things but due to many reasons it never happened. Later I FOUND HE HAS TWO CHILDREN by two different women and over the summer, although we spoke about traveling to Mexico, he normally has his son for the summer. Therefore I wound up traveling throughout the summer with my girlfriend. On our travels he would get very jealous and he wanted me back so we can plan our trip to Mexico. When we came back, due to more circumstances, we never went to Mexico and I wound up going away again for two more weeks with my girlfriend. Then he told me he was planning a weekend trip for the two of us and begged me not to go to Canada for the last week of August. He had me feeling so guilty my girlfriend and I cut our trip short and came home only for him to tell me he had no money due to job situations. I wound up paying for our entire weekend retreat that we spent fighting. Now September through November we both went through hard times individually. we leaned on each other instead of breaking up and going our way. Then in November I learned I was pregnant. Never in my 32 years on earth was I ever pregnant. the pregnancy was dangerous because I was faced with Cancer and a fibroid condition that was dangerous to the fetus. I had no option but to abort or possibly die myself. In this time he remained supportive but could offer no financial help. I paid over $1,000 in doctors fees, but he could not help because he was broke. Now it is december and for two months we have been dancing around the idea of breaking up. the reason being I come from a family with money. I have money independent of my family. I dated him thinking he also had money and could travel the world with me. He is incapable of not only traveling but since being with him I stopped going to museums, horseback riding, going to plays etc., because we spend every moment together. I miss the things I’m used to and love. I used to go to spas each weekend. I have not gone because he hates having another man touch me and does not like when I go to spas. We are from two different worlds QUESTION Neither one of us really want to break up but we got together based on untruth. He can’t afford a woman of my extravagant taste and lifestyles. I drive a Jaguar he a Kia. I am not a snob but I worked hard to live a life of luxury and I was looking for a man who could maintain that or at least hang with me. He lives with his mother, he has children, but the child we had bonds us. We love one another, but for me love is not enough. I buy him gifts and jewelry always because that is my nature. It is hard not to want to buy for him. Yet until this Christmas when he bought me a CD and study cards for Physics, he never bought me anything not even for my birthday. This is an issue for me. We both want to know what others think. Normally I would only date men who could travel with me. I know or at least believe this man loves me very deeply, but aside from enjoying each other etc., money stops us. Yes we can go dutch but he can’t hang going dutch. I can’t and never will pay for a man. Yet we don’t want to really end things. I wanted to date other and him but he won’t allow it. I wanted us to be best friends forever but he wont allow it. What do I do?
Author padparadscha Posted December 29, 2005 Author Posted December 29, 2005 He would like me to also let others know that he is willing to study, get a job that pays and try to be what he first promised me he was. He wants to keep this relationship and is willing to do what it takes to go to school and .... I don't know what to do people. I have waited in the past for men only to have my heart broken. How can the two of us remain strong in each others lives without ....I rather date him and others. I rather we become friends for life so I can continue to do the things I enjoy doing. I love him, but so many mistruths cause me to be skeptical about accomodating my life for him. I feel he should allow us to date and if we are meant to be we will make it back to each other.
bluechocolate Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 You don't need his permission to date other people. Just tell him that is what you are going to do, you would like him to still be a part of your life, but if he's not comfortable with that then he has a decision to make. Not telling you he has children from two different women (almost three!) is a major omission of the truth and over a long period of time too! I'm surprised you didn't end it then & there. You should have. What else has he omitted from telling you? I bet there's more. Re-read your ad then reflect on what you've written here. He gets jealous. You've stopped doing the things that you enjoy. You've lost your independence (you cut short a trip due to his jealousy!). He doesn't like you going to spas because there are male masseurs there. He has you feeling so guilty that you cut short another trip, only to then have a miserable time. A steady routine which offers much in the way of security but little in the way of space and freedom is odious to me. He is incapable of not only traveling but since being with him I stopped going to museums, horseback riding, going to plays etc., because we spend every moment together. I miss the things I’m used to and love. I need a lifestyle that provides opportunities for travel, movement, change, and meeting new people. and then this: ....he never bought me anything not even for my birthday. This is an issue for me. And in the first months of meeting each other! This is not the man you advertised for. He would like me to also let others know that he is willing to study, get a job that pays and try to be what he first promised me he was. When he gets there tell him to call you. Until then, you should get on with the life you so ardently say you want to lead.
C A Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 I can only speak for myself but it appears to me that you know what you need to do and you don't really need mine or anyone elses to do it. When I had money, I use to have what I called "rent-a-friends". After I went broke many of my "friends" left and many didn't. Please understand that I understand the pain and confusion you may be going through. I am currently a love addict but am working on it. The only thing that is stopping you is you. Why is that?
loony Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 He would like me to also let others know that he is willing to study, get a job that pays and try to be what he first promised me he was. He wants to keep this relationship and is willing to do what it takes to go to school and .... After all his lies, I would not trust him to pay you back the lunch money you lent him. I don't know what to do people. I have waited in the past for men only to have my heart broken. How can the two of us remain strong in each others lives without ....I rather date him and others. I rather we become friends for life so I can continue to do the things I enjoy doing. I love him, but so many mistruths cause me to be skeptical about accomodating my life for him. I feel he should allow us to date and if we are meant to be we will make it back to each other. Dump him. I don't think it was a mere mistake that you fell for him, that seems more like a well-thought plan to make you dependent on him, otherwise I wouldn't understand how two people after months are still not able to see the differences in the lifestyle and character. He makes the impression of being a manipulative slacker. We are from two different worlds Plus the lies I don't really see any reason to stay with him. And two kids by two different women? I think one has to draw a line between being openminded and stupid.
Outcast Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 I dated him thinking he also had money and could travel the world with me. He is incapable of not only traveling but since being with him I stopped going to museums, horseback riding, going to plays etc., because we spend every moment together. I miss the things I’m used to and love. I used to go to spas each weekend. I have not gone because he hates having another man touch me and does not like when I go to spas. You should never shrink yourself to fit in someone else's tiny world. You should not twist yourself into a pretzel to please someone else. You should not give up the things you love most for someone. He lied to you about many things; it is insanity to believe anything else he tells you. All his promises will come to nothing. You need to get rid of people like this the first time you catch them in lies.
clandestinidad Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 I agree....you will be miserable if this continues. So will he. Its just not a good match, really....plus the fact that he's a JEALOUS LIAR!!!!
Author padparadscha Posted December 30, 2005 Author Posted December 30, 2005 Thankyou for your replies!!! I have read all of your replies and so has he. He tells me as soon as he can he will reply. In the meantime, I suppose the reason why I made this post is due to the fact we both have spent a great deal of time together. We are very close. As I said, he was with me with the cancer and with me through some very hard times. I have been there with him when he lost his job and been there with him when it came time for him to fight back to get his job. We both have been through so much, and now we have a bond, a friendship, dispite the fact our worlds are so far and apart. Our question is what do we do. It seems easy to let go when someone tells you to or when you tell yourself to. Trust me my entire family, friends, and even collegues wish for me to end things. Dispite what he tells me I believe his family does as well. Yet we have grow a bit dependent upon each other. The situation is hard because we know our worlds are too far apart to come together, yet neither one of us wants to not see or spend time with the other. So the big question is how do we rectify this difficult delima ? Do we date others to try and let go? Do we ......I don't know the answer. I'm afraid we both have experienced so much pain in our lives that we don't know how to let go!!!
bluechocolate Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 So the big question is how do we rectify this difficult dilemma In my opinion, you let each other go. Trust me my entire family, friends, and even colleagues wish for me to end things. My guess is that that is pretty much what you're going to find here too. At its most basic you have two options - stay or go. Each comes with it's own set of difficulties & neither will be easy.
clandestinidad Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Being there for each other does not require you to stay together...it almost sounds like you feel like you owe each other something for being supportive in difficult times. I dont think people should stay together for such reasons. The reasons should sound more like this: we share common values/morals/humor/attraction/education level/dreams/goals/etc etc, and love each other intensely. It kind of sounds like you love each other for what the other person has done for you. A best friend can help someone through cancer, just as parents or anyone else can. I dont want that to sound harsh, just pointing out that it could have been anyone...though they may have not done as good of a job as he did And its very commendable that he stayed and helped you through it! I guess my whole point is, if it just doesnt feel right and there are such big differences, then its probably best to transform the relationship into something else. Yes, you will always be connected b/c of the various things youve been through....and what better best friend could someone ever have? who knows, this guy might decide that he wants different things for himself that line up with yours. But they dont right now, and its not fair to either of you to wait for what MIGHT happen one day.
Outcast Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 You seem to have a history of falling for impossible men and getting into relationships where you both are dependent on each other. This isn't a very healthy pattern. I suspect that you may be a codependent type of person. You might wish to get some books on codependency and both of you read them.
blind_otter Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 You seem to have a history of falling for impossible men and getting into relationships where you both are dependent on each other. This isn't a very healthy pattern. I suspect that you may be a codependent type of person. You might wish to get some books on codependency and both of you read them. Oh My God, that is exactly what I thought. I do this, too. "I buy gifts for him because it is in my nature." You want to make things work out, you know? You WANT it to be good, you want it to be what you need. You try hard to get this. You can't force a square peg into a round hole. If it's not what you want now, it probably will never be that and even if it does, there is still the leftover resentment from the ugly past of the relationship.
Author padparadscha Posted December 31, 2005 Author Posted December 31, 2005 Perhaps all that everyone is writing is true and that means what my heart is telling me I must do, is what needs to be done. I must end this and save our friendship. I thought if I wrote to you guys that perhaps I would read a solution we never thought about. We were both hoping someone who did not know us could see something we could not. Kate wrote: ...it almost sounds like you feel like you owe each other something for being supportive in difficult times. Yes, I suppose your right. As a matter of fact everthing you wrote is what we both have thought about. Yesterday he came bowling with my friends and I. We had our first argument due to a misunderstanding. It was me who blew up. When all was over I found myself appologizing and realizing that this man is genuinely in love with making it work between us. He may not love me, but he wants and needs my friendship, as I suppose I want and need his the same way. Two broken spirits fighting to survive by being, "codependent" on one another. Accept I know in my heart he is not for me in terms of a boyfriend because of what I want from a man. Yet I saw last night how much I need him to calm me down and show me not everyone is out to hurt me. I love who he is, but not the situation. Im still traveling with my girlfriend and planning weekends with her. I have no man to do these things with. At the same time I see why he needs me. He also needs to believe in himself, and he gets stronger through me. He needs to trust, and he tries to learn how through me. So yes we are very codependent. Perhaps if we try maybe we can find a way to end it being the best friends we already are. I already forgave him for the past, but I can't erase that the past untruths are how we began something that should not have started because it lead to this point where it's so difficult to let go.
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