Still hopeful of a second chance

[Mr.P]

Thanks Sal,

 

Her comment that she thought we were getting somewhere, obviously she was wrong, that really upset me.

 

If we were getting somewhere that will be why she was flirting with me. But because I brought it up we are now completely finished. Never did I expect this kind of response from her.

 

She said while we were firing txts back and forth that whenever she is friendly I take it the wrong way, and she is scared that she keeps making it all worse. Now she says I have lost her forever?

 

I don't understand, I wish I did.

 

I hope you're right that she will get back in touch, even if we don't ever get back together I can't end it like this.

[salmagundi]

yeah, I''m right that she'll be back in touch. But I dont think you should be...

 

Seriously, I think you really need to believe there never was any REAL prospect of a second chance here. When an ex doesnt want to let go its not always because they want to get back together either. Nostalgia is a killer in breakups. Ex's who move on to new people there are happy with dont worry about this but when you breakup with someone and you dont find anyone new right away, or the person you found is a dud and doesnt work out its natural to think about the great times you had with your ex. You're lonely, you feel down, you contact them to lean on them a bit. And of course you flirt ambiguously because that keeps them around and creates the illusion of "l'amour". It makes for a good show. But you're just there to watch, you have no intention of getting up on stage, know what I mean?

 

She's missing the feeling of beingin love. She's probably not in love with her current bf. She's thinking about times she was in love. She probably was in love with you at one time. You're still around. She can come around and get the feeling of being loved by you while she trips on the good times you guys certainly had. But dont have anymore. She wants to be in love with someone...but its not you. If it was she would make it happen. I mean, think about the last time you were wishy-washy hot/cold with a woman. Did she have a chance? I mean at anything other than a torrid fling? No, right?

 

think about it anyway...and dont feel bad

 

salmagundi

[Mr.P]

Hey Sal,

 

I had to go out for a walk then to clear my head, was going mad just sat here.

 

Personally I don't think I've done anything wrong telling her how I felt. Obviously I can't change the past, if I could I would. I was hoping she would forgive and forget, like I did with her when she tore me apart by dating the person she dumped me for (who is a most despised character). She says I can't change the rules to suit myself as far as flirting/not flirting is concerned.

 

I was tempted to get in touch with her again just to ask her to forgive and forget, because I found it in my heart to do the same to her; but I don't think this will do either of us any favours. Not now anyway. I'll see what if ever she comes back with.

 

Thanks again for your support.

[Amacada]

Whoa there Mr P.

 

Don't you dare, and I mean this - don't you DARE apologise to her!!

 

She says that she "thought you were getting somewhere" and that you've killed any chance of that?

Man, as easy as it is for me to say, you have to get some b*lls!

 

SHE is the one with the boyfriend, if ANYONE is killing any chance of reconciliation it's her. See it for how it is, and tell her how it is.

 

You felt hurt enough to tell her that her flirting was hurting you. If you apologise for that you are saying to her "I was wrong"....which means that you have then given her permission to keep flirting with you and f*king with your head. Is that what you want?

 

Don't keep telling her that you're there for her - keep doing that and she'll never have to face the prospect of losing you.

 

I would seriously consider calling her on her BS. She says that you have ruined the chance of getting back together with her, right?

 

Then tell her if that is the case, fine, you're moving on as there's no point hanging around.

 

Watch her change her tune.

 

Bottom line Mr P -

1. Stop being submissive

2. Stop giving her comfort

3. Call her on her BS (which you have started to do) and most importantly....

4. Stick to it (don't crawl back with an apology).

 

You'll feel better for it, and she'll start to realise that she can't walk all over you and take the fact that you're "there for her" for granted.

[notmakingsense]

I think I've just killed any chance of us getting back together, if there ever was one in the first place.

 

She txt me this morning and she said she was at home sick. Being the soft guy that I am I offered to go out and get her something, she said she would be ok and that I was a babe for offering.

 

A few more txts back and forth and then she called me, we were chatting for a few minutes where she said she was going to see her new bf soon, and said that he stayed with her weekend just gone. I let her talk for a few more minutes once the conversation changed but told her I had to go.

 

I can only really open up through words and not verbally so I txt her saying that it hurts me when she talks about her new bf and that she was not the easiest girl to get over and have no feelings for.

 

Waiting on a reply now..............

 

Mr. P -- reading this thread is getting me pissed-off! I'd like to grab you by the shoulders and shake some sense in to you!

 

If her talking about her bf all the time isn't helping you to move on -- then I'm afraid that there's nothing else I can say to you on this forum -- you are a lost cause for now.... Perhaps months and months of continued pain from waiting for something to happen will teach you?

 

I'm going to say this one last time: You need to MOVE ON! I'm sure your ex sees you as a little doormat puppy-dog who whines about being hurt, yet still sticks around for more punishment. I seriously doub't she'd take you back even without having another bf.... pitiful.

 

Don't take my post wrongly -- I just want to help you -- but I'm frustrated in reading about this now.

[Mr.P]

Amacada,

 

Glad I read your post in time!

 

I was typing out a fairly big email to her explaining in full all the things she has done to lead me to believe she was flirting with me and that there was hope. I only told her one of those things on the phone though. I can't think fast enough when she gets upset and starts crying down the phone to me, all I want to do is stop her from crying lol. I wasn't going to send it for a few days but I've now deleted it lol.

 

I now know I am not in the wrong for approaching her, she opened up old wounds by bringing up the fact that I kissed my friend in March. I simply wanted to show her things from my point of view.

 

I'm not going to crawl back with any more apologies now, that's it - it's all up to her to apologise.

 

Notmakingsense,

 

I know, I read the entire thread from the start again before. Wish I listened you all earlier! I probably would have had the 2nd chance then!

I'm not going to contact her, if she contacts me it will have to be an apology with reason for me to carry on talking to her, and any talks of new bf will result in me putting the phone down. Maybe then she will get the message.

 

Thanks for your concern and support !

[salmagundi]

DONT SEND HER ANY EMAILS!!!

 

Anything you do that isnt NC will just show her that you still twitching on the end of her line. Honestly, that line about how you almost had a second chance but you blew it? Total bs... Nobody that cared about you would say that because its teasing and cruel. She knows in saying that shes torturing you in the worst way because when you get dumped its regret that kills you fastest. Thats what she's trying to get you with here. Making you regret something you did, even when you had every right and did nothing wrong in calling her on her actions (doesnt she think her bf would call her on flirting with you as well, i mean, if he knew.

 

No dude, this woman is cold and selfish. Seriously...you blew it? Fu*king hell, she's the one with bf. You should be the one to say whether she CAN come back or not. F*ck her! (jeez, i'm getting a bit worked up here...must be doing a bit of projecting )

 

Give her nothing but silence. Lots of it. Your game is to make yourself seem to fall off the edge of the world. She deserves nothing from you but to hear abou the great new girl you hooked up with (which is the point at which you reappear...)

 

She,s driven a truck through your dignity and self-respect. Time to get mad and forget...

 

sal

[Spleen]

Unbelievable. Mmk, you need to seriously stop being such a "soft guy" and save that for a woman who really appreciates you and is committed to you. When you meet the right girl, she will make you forget all about this piece of work and make you wonder why you even considered dating such a person.

 

She has done nothing but use you, pull guilt trips, and torture you with the flirting, and then has the audacity to blame YOU for her actions. And in a way, she's right! You sit there and take it, and let her walk all over you. A guy who is a pushover, caves in under the tiniest bit of pressure, or a little bit of crying, is NOT attractive. It's asking to be used. Let her cry! They're nothing but crocodile tears anyways.

 

I don't know what happened back in the day when you kissed your friend, but there must have been some reason you were compelled to disregard your gf's feelings at the time; perhaps she wasn't fulfilling your needs or you didn't really care. Or, if it was only a friendly kiss on the cheek, then your ex is nothing but a drama queen looking to use anything she can to transfer the guilt back to you because she's too cowardly to own up to her guilt. In any event, it doesn't matter. Just be thankful you are rid of that kind of trash. Consider it a learning experience and avoid a woman with those traits at all costs.

 

I still wonder why it is you are so attracted to her to begin with?

[CaliGuy]

Mr. P, do you respect yourself?

Have you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy?"

 

You need to have some dignity and self-respect. Stop contacting her and let her wonder about you. Silence is indeed golden.

[Mr.P]

Ok so I screwed up by contacting her and opening up to her.

 

But now, I won't be contacting her again. No emails / txts / calls, nothing. That's it.

 

 

Although I would love to tell her what Spleen wrote :-

 

"She has done nothing but use you, pull guilt trips, and torture you with the flirting, and then has the audacity to blame YOU for her actions. And in a way, she's right! You sit there and take it, and let her walk all over you. A guy who is a pushover, caves in under the tiniest bit of pressure, or a little bit of crying, is NOT attractive. It's asking to be used. Let her cry! They're nothing but crocodile tears anyways."

 

 

Thanks guys, it wasn't the ideal outcome and I don't know what I was expecting telling her all that, but you have all helped me through a very traumatic day!

 

 

 

Regards to all.

[pippen_2k]

Whoa Mr P, I havnt read your thread in some time, and it looks like not much progress has been made.

 

No more games and back and forth BS, cause there was NEVER a second chance possibility here.

 

For a 2nd chance to ever work its almost gotta be from scratch, along time after the breakup, when alot of the emotions have subsided.

 

This guilt, pressures and emotions you put on her and yourself is by no means a good way to start a second chance.

 

Just let it go P.. Let it go.

[notmakingsense]

Good for you Mr. P!

 

Regarding Spleen's comment. She already knows this -- you don't need to tell her.

[Mr.P]

Hey all, don't worry I didn't do anything stupid again lol.

 

I was invited to a friends house last night with a few other friends, we were just having a few beers when the door bell went. I knew exactly who it was before the door opened.

 

We were all in the kitchen and I could hear my ex's voice as she was walking in. I had told my friends what had happened and their eyes all focused on me. She walked in and didn't even look at me. She had only come round to return a DVD she borrowed but she was with us for about 30 mins.

 

We were all talking away to each other, various conversations going on and I only spoke to her once. I wasn't going to ignore her, walk out, or anything like that as that would just cause embarrassment to us both. She wasn't very receptive though.

 

When she said she was leaving, she gave 2 of my friends a hug (walked right past me lol)

 

After she had left I told the host why there was a bit of an atmosphere between us and explained what happened on Wednesday. He said he txt her earlier in the day asking her to bring the DVD she borrowed over xmas back. He also said to her that he was having a night in with the lads round. She knows I am one of those lads and that I would be there.

 

I was surprised when he told me this as why would she put herself in a position knowing I would be there, after she was reduced to tears after speaking with me on Wednesday?? I don't understand what her motive was really, and why she waited around for about half an hour stood beside me without talking to me?

 

Strange....

 

It puts us both in a difficult situation as she is friends with my friends as well.

[salmagundi]

Maybe she's still a little bothered...about something anyway. I could well be that the DVD was an excuse to check up on you...I mean, she could have brought it earlier in the day or whatever. On the other hand, she may actually be totally indifferent to you and just have wanted to see her other friends regardless of what you thought. Hell, maybe she knew damn well it was you that would get all bothered by her being there. I guess what I'm saying is I have no bloody idea what she wanted, if anything.

 

But at anyrate...if shes fretting about things, stay NC and aloof...give yourself back control over your own emotions and let her stew over her own...all without caring of course because you have to move on...

 

If she doesnt give a sh*t about you do exactly the same thing otherwise you give her the satisfaction and power of knowing she can still f*ck with your emotions. NC, the one size fits all solution.

 

I mean, I told you she'll still be coming around. She wont let you go completely until she finds someone she REALLY likes and falls for. At that point she will forget all about you. Until then, you're going to see her, she's maybe still going to call you and you have to be responsible for how you act. If she was like my ex and a decent human being you would be friendly and whatnot but leave it at that. In her case, you need to just be civil and aloof. More aloof than civil. If she tugs on the line you have to make sure you dont keep coming up.

 

I think...

 

sal

[Mr.P]

Hi Sal,

 

Nothing heard from her since, still going NC (or I won't initiate contact anyway)

 

Even after what she said to me I really don't think she would want to wipe me out of her life, bcos just a few minutes before out fall out she said she was scared she would make things worse between us. I live in hope (yet again) that she will come round.

 

I don't like falling out with people, I've only ever fallen out with 2 people in my life!!

[salmagundi]

Do what I do Mr. P.

 

 

THink about all your friends (including those you share with her)

 

Now count all the ones who think that you wanting to get back with her, still hoping for it etc is a good idea and encourage you in the enterprise. Put them in a pile over here ->

 

GOod, now count all those that think you are a poor love struck sap for still caring about her and wanting her back. Add in all those who are sick to death of you prattling on to them about her and then include all those who look at you pityingly when you bring her up because they know you are so far down in the whole you have forgotten what color the sun is. Lastly add all those who dare not ask you "hows it going" knowing full well that that will be your 'in' to drone on about her because nothing else in your life could possible matter or make it 'go' good until she comes back to you. Clear a whole f*cking sh*tload of space over ---> and pile 'em high...

 

Which piles bigger? My point is when all else fails and you cant see straight anymore its always those aroung you that see most clearly. I did this and their were only two people in the first pile...me and ...well...my ex (and we're still not back together.) Everyone else was in the second pile.

 

I accepted this and now I cant wait to fall stupidly in love with somebody NEW...even it might be a bit of a wait.

 

To be in love someone has to be in love with you. Your ex isnt.

 

I dont mean to be harsh, just some tough love. I've been getting my share here and in my real life too. Its good for us both.

 

salmagundi

[Mr.P]

Good post Sal,

 

Some of the people that were initially in the big pile there -> (0000) have now jumped to the little pile here - > ... before I screwed up.

 

They are all very supportive and do want us to get back together would you believe. But they don't go on and on about it to either of us, they just work on the principle of whatever will be will be. They rarely talk about it and I rarely talk about it as well, unless I need a shoulder lol.

 

I am on the look out for meeting someone new and I'm not going to contact her, so you're all ok, you don't need to give me the "ffs stop it and get over her!" speech lol.

[Mr.P]

Ok so you're all going to jump on my back for saying this but I still haven't lost any feelings for her.

 

She sent me a joke email about a week after we fell out saying how women were better than men. It was a forwarded joke as it included all the recipients from the person that sent it to her. But I was the only one on the To: line!!

 

Anyway, I didn't know what to make of this whether she was having a go at me or if it was just a joke. I found it a bit of an awkward email to send considering what had just happened between us. I told a few friends about it and they said not to take it personally, the joke was just that. A joke.

 

So I decided to reply to it with how men are better than women (there's plenty of those jokes around!). Didn't take long to find a website with hundreds of men v women jokes on there. The next day I got another reply with yet more women v men jokes and I replied to that on Saturday. Basically fighting fire with fire lol, no other "Hi how are you" text on the email, just jokes.

 

I haven't heard from her since and it got me wondering why, and I remember now when we had our fall out, she said she was going to see him this week which is where the problems between us started. That got me on another downer

 

BUT !!

 

Before you all slate me, I was at a wedding on Saturday night and met a girl who I hadn't seen in over a year (friend of a friend). When we met last year she was seeing someone but there were apparently problems with the relationship then (long term serious thing) and she was flirting with me then, carressing my arse whilst playing pool lol, talking dirty etc etc. I thought then that if I was single I would flirt back. But I was seeing my ex then.

 

So back to Saturday, we were drinking away, dancing, having a laugh etc when it got to the point where she just came out with "Look, you seem like the perfect man, but I've recently come out of a serious long term relationship and I'm not looking for anything at the moment", to which I told her I was exactly the same and that it happens to the best of us. So we carried on talking / dancing etc and when we got thrown out at leaving time we went round the side, had a little cuddle (because it was cold and we were waiting for taxis) and I asked for her number. She said no it's ok, but we still made out

 

She was a v nice girl, but over a foot smaller than me, and she smokes too which I don't like!

 

So, I'm still not over my ex, I still want her back and will do anything to make that happen, but in the meantime I am trying to cheer myself up by meeting new girls, even if I can't get their phone numbers!!

[salmagundi]

I know how you feel P but honestly, I have let my ex get between me and at least three other women since we broke up. It sucks because instead of going with what is really in front of me i keep getting hung up on her, I keep pushing people away, I keep myself available for her. Welll...not any more but for a long time I didnt want to get involved with anyone and thats why most recently my FWB blew me off saying "look, you're a beautiful person and I was really into you but I can see this is going nowhere because when I'm around you, you are always somewhere else so anyway, I met someone new so...see you...!" So guess who's stuck home alone on valentines day?

 

Its ok, I wasnt that into her anyway and she deserves someone who is, but my point is that rather than devoting yourself to a dead past you should cut her off and open yourself up to the future because the road you traveled with her? You already know where it goes...and I think you know if you go down it again (and this is assuming you have the remotest chance of getting back with her) you'll end up back here in the end.

 

I think its timefor a new road. All you need to do is take some time off, get your head together...get the wounded animal look out of your eyes (the one we all get when we're freshly broken up and damaged) and then...start looking. I mean, someone on this site said womenare like buses...there's always another one coming around the corner.

 

anyway, keep us posted

 

salmagundi

[Mr.P]

Not much of an update, but still an update lol

 

I was wondering why she hadn't replied to my joke email and then it hit me, she said she was going to see him for the week.... Wow I really upset myself with that!

 

Anyway, she txt me on Saturday night for the first time since she fell out with me on the 1st Feb asking how much flights and hotels where in another country (since our break up and reconciliations as friends she has just jumped straight in to conversation with no apology or lets be friends etc, this has always come afterwards. So this was nothing new and was expected really), I just replied saying both flights and hotels were very expensive. I then got a reply saying ****! Will forget about that one!

 

I didn't reply after that, she was probably expecting me to ask why, but I didn't.

 

I sent her another joke email today, got a short reply back straight away.

 

That's about it really! Looks like she does still want to talk to me, I'll just keep my distance in the short term and let her contact me. I am still looking for someone else so don't worry about that, but alas I would still like to get back with her.

[CaliGuy]

The few times my ex and I have communicated have been short, 2 sentence messages. She used to always send me 3-4 long paragraphs of just jabber. That's how I know she isn't interested in me.

 

When someone cares about you they want to clue you in on their life. When they don't the replies are often short with very little information. Almost as if it's a pain for them to even bother writing you.

[Mr.P]

Hi all,

 

Haven't been on here for a while so thought I would let you know what's happening (if you're interested of course lol)

 

She told me last week that she had split up with her bf, the cost and time of traveling was too great and she couldn't justify it. She had always spoken very highly of him, but when she told me about it she didn't have a good word to say about him, picking out his many faults lol.

 

She has been in daily contact with me, either by phone, txt, and she has now got MSN so she can chat online to me.

 

She asked me yesterday if I would go out with her on a night out tonight round the bars, but I said no because I have a dinner dance to go to tonight. She laughed saying that I can't dance (which is true) and then she asked if she could come with me, saying she's got a really nice dress and her dancing isn't up to much either. I told her I would check if it was ok, but once I told her who I was going with, she decided not to go (a male friend of mine who she fell out with during the events of last Summer).

 

So we're getting on much better now, and since she has split up with her bf, she has been spending more time with / on the phone to me.

 

I'm not holding out for it though, I am open for someone else but as of yet no joy!

[fraidycat]

Dear Mr. P-

 

Your girlfriend sounds immature and you sound like her backup ego boost. How nice it would be to have some poor sap licking my would be wounds and ready to jump at my beck and call while I don't have the maturity or insight to be fair with him.However, she doesn't hold ALL the responsibility..quite frankly no one can make you the doormat unless you let them and what you're doing is letting her. I realize right now you don't want anyone else- you don't have to;that's normal. Give yourself time to heal and move on;but please HONEY be realistic here! You're holding false hope and if you want to know what I have to say about that then read my post titled "All The Ways We Keep The Pain".

[pippen_2k]

She had no time for you when she was with the other dude, but now he's out of the picture, she needs someone else to hang with to boost her ego! = Enter Mr P.

[salmagundi]

yeah P., you're still playing second best here. None of us know why it didnt work out with her and the other guy (well, ok, maybe it was just a question of travel expenses...) But the most oobvious candidate for a rebound is the old reliable dependable available ex. Thats you.

 

If you cant find it in you to tell this woman to get lost you can at least cultivate some cool indifference to her so you at least make this rebound of hers a something of a challenge. I mean...at the very least.

 

But I dunno, tell us how it works out...

 

salmagundi