LostBF1 Posted April 7, 2024 Posted April 7, 2024 I'm posting this because I feel lost and I'm having a hard time finding anyone in a similar situation. So my ex-gf and I started dating (officially) in march 2023. We were a great couple. We both never felt that way before and we agreed on so many things in life. We talked about our futures, about moving in together, having babies, getting married, etc. Late July, her father, who had been sick for a very long time, started to get worse. At the time, things weren't looking good but there was still hope. However, when we returned from our 2-week vacation in mid-August, things were really looking bad. It seemed like there was little hope left and that he only had weeks/months left to live. Late Septembre, her father sadly passed away. The weeks right before and the months after her father died were extremely difficult for her. I wanted to support her but I hadn't found out the best way to do so yet. At the same time, she kinda isolated herself instead reaching out to me for support, which made matters harder. But she just said she preferred processing this on her own, so I have her the space she needed (while staying there for support). In January/February, we had a serieus discussion about how we handled the grief. I admitted i made a lot of mistakes and that i wish i had known better. And she understood that it was not easy for me to know how to support her, especially since we were only dating for 6 months at the time. Afterwards, she opened up more and I felt like i was doing a better job at being there for her. Despite the latter, our relationship did not feel the same. Physical initmacy only happened very rarely. But I believe this to be normal and I certainly didn't pressure her. She often mentioned that physical initmacy was hard. But there was some progress. Last month, I kinda felt anxious about our relationship bc I had this feeling that my girl had a hard time processing the loss of her father. And i felt like i was gonna loose her bc she needed to focus on her energy of grieving. This weekend, she decided to end things for two main reasons. 1) she said she felt lost and was really struggling. Therefore she needed to go look for what she wanted in life again. And she couldn't do this while in a relationship 2) she doens't feel in love anymore and she thinks of me as her best friends rather than bf bc of the lack of physical intimacy. When breaking up, she said she hadn't met anyone as sweet as me, that she's happy for what we had bc i showed her what a good relationship looks like, that she felt great in my presence and that she will always like/love me. I understand she needs the space but i had hopened she didn't take this decision yet. Why? Bc, for professional reasons, I was going to go abroad from july till november anyway. The second thing I'm struggling with. And I hope people in similar situation can respond to this part. I wanna know if there's any chance she's gonna come back. If our relationship was that great before, if she can't point out to anything why she doesn't feel in love (except for feeling lost herself) then why couldn't we get together again when she processed everything better and doesn't feel lost anymore. Thanks for reading this. I know it's a long message but I feel like the complete explanation is necessary.
Gebidozo Posted April 7, 2024 Posted April 7, 2024 I'm sorry, but it looks like either her feeling to you wasn't that strong to begin with, or something else happened in your relationship that made her fall out of love with you. Her father's death simply made her more aware of that. When a woman has lost her romantic feelings towards someone and just considers him a close friend, it means that there is no way for that someone to be together with her again. I'm sorry. You should break off contact with her and start healing.
Author LostBF1 Posted April 8, 2024 Author Posted April 8, 2024 @Gebidozo I guess I could understand why you'd say that. But why wouldn't you consider the loss of her dad and the sadness and feeling lost as being the reason why she doesn't feel in love? Don't you think that knowing who you are and feeling well is a prerequisite to being able to feel like you're in love? And if so, why wouldn't see come back after focused on herself. In the end, she says there was nothing wrong with me and that she could only hope to find someone like me again.
Gebidozo Posted April 8, 2024 Posted April 8, 2024 (edited) 22 minutes ago, LostBF1 said: @Gebidozo I guess I could understand why you'd say that. But why wouldn't you consider the loss of her dad and the sadness and feeling lost as being the reason why she doesn't feel in love? Don't you think that knowing who you are and feeling well is a prerequisite to being able to feel like you're in love? And if so, why wouldn't see come back after focused on herself. In the end, she says there was nothing wrong with me and that she could only hope to find someone like me again. I wouldn’t consider that because it doesn’t seem plausible to me. Falling out of love is permanent. She was very clear about that. She didn’t say she needed time apart to deal with her grief. She said she had no romantic feelings for you any longer. You should know that “I love you as a person, but I’m not in love with you” and “You are a good person, I hope I find someone like you” are classic permanent breakup phrases. Look, I’m a big believer in second chances and reunions after breakups. It has happened to me. It has happened to people I know. Reconnection and reconciliation following breakups that happened due to excessive fighting, violence, infidelity, long distance - yes, that is possible. Getting together again after one of the partners has fallen out of love - even if that would be possible for whatever reason, would you really want that to happen? Would you be happy with a woman who no longer loves you as a man? I know this is not what you want to hear. But the last thing you should be doing now is grasp at straws. Stop all contact with that girl and focus on other aspects of your life, so that you can begin to heal. Edited April 8, 2024 by Gebidozo 1
ExpatInItaly Posted April 8, 2024 Posted April 8, 2024 2 hours ago, Gebidozo said: I know this is not what you want to hear. But the last thing you should be doing now is grasp at straws. Woman here, and I agree. OP, it is disappointing but you need to treat this like a permanent break-up. Might she circle back around? Maybe. But there is an even greater chance that she won't. This is why I say that: 3 hours ago, LostBF1 said: In the end, she says there was nothing wrong with me and that she could only hope to find someone like me again. She knows she could have you if she wanted. But she has decided this is not for her. She knows what she is letting go, and she is doing so with intention. There is no doubt her grief makes life hard to cope with right now, but she is choosing to free heself from the relationship rather than lean on you. Please consider what that means, even if it hurts to face.
Author LostBF1 Posted April 8, 2024 Author Posted April 8, 2024 Thanks for your response. So you don't believe you can be in a situation where you need to focus on yourself, find yourself when feeling lost, and that you cannot do this while being constrained by a partner?
ExpatInItaly Posted April 8, 2024 Posted April 8, 2024 38 minutes ago, LostBF1 said: So you don't believe you can be in a situation where you need to focus on yourself, find yourself when feeling lost, and that you cannot do this while being constrained by a partner? I don't think this is her situation, no.
Gebidozo Posted April 8, 2024 Posted April 8, 2024 4 hours ago, LostBF1 said: Thanks for your response. So you don't believe you can be in a situation where you need to focus on yourself, find yourself when feeling lost, and that you cannot do this while being constrained by a partner? Oh, absolutely. If she had said, “I’m so sorry, darling, I love you and I want to be with you, but I’m a complete mess right now, I need some time for myself to deal with my grief, please let me be alone for a while, I really hope you understand” - then yes, that would be the situation. But she said, “I don’t love you as a man anymore, just as a person, I care about you but not having romantic feelings for you, you’re a good guy but I don’t want to be your girlfriend anymore”. That’s an altogether different situation.
d0nnivain Posted April 10, 2024 Posted April 10, 2024 There's an emptiness that swallows you when a loved one dies. Something in you dies too. There is less joy in the world. You have nothing to give somebody else. You two didn't have a long deep foundation when this happened. You did the best you could but it's one of those things. Let her go. Focus on your upcoming trip.
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