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I'm breaking up and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to date again


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Posted

Hi guys,

 

My boyfriend of 3+ years and I have just spent the most horrible day together today. In the end, due to my paranoia, I just made situations worse. We were talking and he hung up on me. I know that tommorrow may be the last day we'll ever talk again.

 

Our relationship, however great it was, is a complete horrifying mess. A large part is my fault and another part is also his. We were just 2 dysfunctional people in a dysfunctional relationship in the end. And right now, I hate myself more than anything in the world. I hate all the problems we had and I hate the fact that I feel like things have gotten out of control. It's just a mess. A lot of grief and a lot of resentment, but until tonight, I didn't want to fully admit that we are a complete and utter failure of a couple.

 

First off, I'm a really messed up person. Recently, I have started to see the psych and she right away diagnosed me with ADD, inattentive type. Because of this condition, I was never able to fit in socially and to this day I continue to struggle with the consequences. I'm also doing great in college now but that does not help at all. And I think almost everything in this relationship has been ruined because of my low self esteem and fluctuating confidence.

 

Things that were my fault:

 

1) The thing is, though other people tell me that I'm beautiful, I can't see it. No one these days call me ugly either (most children are more mature now) so that isn't the issue. And in fact, I also well porportioned--not too skinny not too fat and am also well complimented. Through all of this, I just can't see why I feel so underaverage all the time. This really bothers my bf as he thinks I'm beautiful.

 

2) Porn. I just can't stand it and I feel like I can't just up and change my feelings. This has a lot to do with my feelings that sex should be cherished. My low self esteem only just elevates this issue. I think my bf tries very hard not to but I think he makes mistakes sometimes. I have a keen nose for lies and a fairly decent memory. But oh man, if I catch him lying to me about his very rare mess ups all hell breaks loose.

 

3) I need to trust more. I trust him but then in some other things I don't. My lack of trust is connected deeply to something in our relationship past. I was able to get over it but in some areas my trust still seems to fluctuate. I have recently been able to improve this a lot but I think that tonight, I have been fooled again. Just horrible timing. I wish I didnt catch him lying tonight.

 

4) I'm possessive. Need I say more?

 

Things that were his fault:

 

1) His anger. This is something that has always been around, even in the beginning when things were not so bad. He gets mad easily, making logical arguments almost impossible. He has almost always been physically abusive to a point where he would shake me to pushing me to throwing objects to hitting me (lightly). He also screams and calls me a few names verbally. He has agreed to try an get help for this problem and has moved on it.

 

2) His dishonesty sometimes. He's a good liar when he lies which is usually very rare these days. In the beginning, he lied to me about the porn. And how he stopped watching it and he hugged me and promised me he wasn't lying and made everything seem so sincere. Later, I was using his computer and I noticed the search "asian" in his kazaa when I was looking up a band. This made me wonder and I confirmed my suspicions when I checked the history. That was a long time ago but I still can't completely forget how sincere he was when he promised me while I was sobbing for him to tell me the truth. These days, I've stopped spying on him and have decided to try to trust his words but I still can't "completely" get over the past. I'm much better, but still suspicious about his honesty when it comes to this.

 

3) He refuses to prove anything to me. This doesn't help my suspicion at all. And since I've stopped checking his history (which I only did about 3-4 times total in the past), I have no idea of knowing. I have asked him to show me his history list willingly but he always refuses. He says that if he does show me, "it's going too far." And I have to respect that. I have decided to try and trust him and am still sensitive to the idea of him staring at any chicks whatsoever.

 

All in all, I had a horrible emotional day today. We had at least 3-4 different arguments on different things. These days, it feels as if its almost a stroke of good luck to get a good day which we do have one or two in between each bad one. Things are falling apart rapidly now. As if things couldnt get worse, I happen to catch him "online" today on Friendster. His profile is completely empty and he rarely visits the site if at all. Lately, he's been telling me of some spam mail from the site in which he's been getting messages on his empty account. He has no profile so why would anyone message him for real. For a fact, I know that almost all of the spam are from sexual web cam sites. That wasn't what totally worried me though. He seemed to have visited friendster a while back ago to check the spam messages. I didn't comment on that. But today, I caught him back on it so that made me wonder since it seems that he hasn't gotten any new notifications of messages and they probably end up in the spam folder anyways (he checks his mail at my house so I sometimes see what's in there). When I called him about it, he immediately starts lying. First saying that it wasn't him then saying that it was him but was completely innocent. None of it makes sense to me and he hung up on me before I can ask any further. This is the first time I didn't call him back. I wasn't sure what to do but I knew that I had been lied to and it was a pretty bad blow.

 

Through all of this, there has been good times and bad times. But the bad times have become too frequent. He's a good guy for most part and I have decided that a majority of our probs is my fault. I hate myself for my inability to change and feel less horrible about everything. I was really depressed tonight and have even thought about suicide though I'm not crazy enough to actually do it. This relationship has taught me something that I'm in general not ready to have one. I go to a psyche for my ADD and I think I should start working on my problems. I don't want to drag him along for this horrible ride and I have too much issues to work on. I just hate myself for being so messed up.

 

Sorry for this long story. But my question is: is this relationship salvagable or should I just end it? After this, I'm not sure that I'm ever going to be able to date again. This has just been too traumatizing and I hate the damage that I might have inflicted on him. The solution seems clear but I don't know if I'll have the strength to pull through. And even if I stay, I'm not sure if I can handle his anger as after he hit me aggressively but not painfully for the first time, I have become a little bit frightened by him. I can clearly say that that was where everything started to go down the drain. I love him and am really in pain right now as to what I have to do tom. I just hope I'm not making a mistake.

Posted

If he's already hitting you then my first response would be to get out of the relationship as soon as possible. If he doesn't get some counselling about that problem it will only get worse, and you don't want to be his punching bag. You are aware that there are things you need help with so do talk to someone professional about those issues, but don't punish yourself for the state of your relationship.

 

Are you able to rescue the relationship? If he is mature enough and honest enough with himself to accept that he has some problems he needs to deal with, and you deal with your own issues, then yes you might be able to save the relationship. But you have to ask yourself, even if its possible to achieve this, do you really want that?

Posted

Two things I dislike all of my exes, if I ever say them getting shaken or verbally abused I would bust a fuse. That is unforgiveable. That is the weakest thing a guy can do is take things out on a girl. He is not worth it. I do not care why he is angry. It is unforgiveable.

 

Also get over porn. Every guy does it. I am sure you do things that annoy the hell out of guys. We deal with it so should you. Honeslty you will never find a guy that does not look at porn. It is very normal for us to do. Would you rather have a guy that shook you or look up porn. If you said shook you then you need to seek somep professional help

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