sadirishman Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 Hello. Here's my story: I've been with the same girl for over nine years. We live together, were engaged to be married and have two beautiful children. Almost a year ago now, she fell out of love with me and started seeing another man. I knew something was wrong from the beginning, we stopped having any kind of physical relationship and she was spending alot more time away from the house. Although I suspected she was with someone else (phone calls, text messages etc.) I chose to believe her when she told me otherwise. A few months later, I decided to move out for a while to give both of us space to sort out our feelings. BAD IDEA!!! I just fell to bits and realised how much I needed her, and this gave her the oppertunity to become closer to the other man. The man in question has been married for 20 years and has 2 kids of his own, they work together and became good friends and then lovers. About 2 months ago, they "broke up" (he went back to his wife after she found out about the relationship) and my girlfriend asked me to move back in. It was then I found out the truth about them. My problem is, I'm still in love with her but I know she doesn't love me although she says she wants things to work out. I don't know if it's guilt that's stopping her or if it's her feelings for this other guy that she admits she still has. I'm at the situation now, where I don't know whether to stay and wait for things to "work out" or just leave. I love her, and I love my kids but I'm becomming and emotional wreck. And suggestions?
Becoming Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 Ouch! I'm sorry this has happened to you. She says she wants things to work out. So what will it take from her for this relationship to work out from your point of view? You need to be clear about this and tell her and stick to it. This way you'll know whether she really wants it to work out or whether you're just being used as a fallback. She may have come to her senses about you during that time and now realizes what she had that she messed up. This is a hard, hard time in a relationship, and if it's not handled well, it can haunt you for years to come, if not destroy the relationship altogether. Is it possible to go to counselling together to get some help with this? Also, check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com There's some stuff on there about recovering from an affair. Best wishes!
Author sadirishman Posted December 29, 2005 Author Posted December 29, 2005 When she first asked me to move back in, she said she wanted it to work out between us. I still didn't know about the other man at this stage. All I had were my suspicions, but these were pushed back by the way we had been for the weeks previous - going out and spending lots of time together. It all kicked off in that first week, when the other man rang and said his wife had been with his best friend and needed somone to talk to. I wanted to show my trust so I said, "Go and talk to him, he needs you." She spent that night with him and seen him two more times in the following week. Both other times telling me that she was going out with friends. This is how I found out! When I did, I confronted her and she told me everything: They started out being flirty at work and got to know each other quite well. They both talked about being unhappy in their relationships (his story and life are really messed up!) and it progressed from here. They kissed and talked every day for months and when I moved out in the summer, my girlfriend saw this as our relationship ending giving her the go ahead to be with him. I had lots of time to get over this part, it was the fact that she seen him after I came back that hurt the most. I know I had my part to play in all of this, I wasn't meeting her needs but I've changed alot about myself but I feel like I'm the one doing all the work. I've read advice on another web site telling me to LET GO. The harder I try to win her back, the more she'll pull away. This sounds like good advice, but does it mean that I should move out again or just let things progress the way they are now and hope things will work themselves out. My problem is that I am the type of person who want to be active in fixing things and I feel if I give up trying then there'll be nobody left trying. It's all very confusing.
FWIW Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 My problem is, I'm still in love with her but I know she doesn't love me although she says she wants things to work out. ... feelings for this other guy that she admits she still has. She doesn't love you. How can she, to be doing all this? Time to accept the grim ugly truth and move on, or be a mug forever, always wondering why you put up with it, and will it happen again. Don't you deserve better? Who the heck wants to be on the wrong end (or either end for that matter!) of one-way 'love' (and it ISN'T love if it's not two way, no matter what it feels like). I love her, and I love my kids but I'm becomming and emotional wreck. You 'love' how thing's *were*, but it's broken. Can you ever get things back as they were? And were they that good to start with if she felt the need to do what she did? Accept you've been 'unlucky in love' and move on. Good luck
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