skeptik224 Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 I won't go into my whole story - It's posted on here as of about a week ago. Long story short, my ex broke up with me because she wasn't ready for a committment as intense as we had. She (her words not mine) got scared and ran all the way to the other end of the pendulum. (she was involved in 2 consecutive 8+ year relationships and have NEVER been on her own) She needed to grieve, learn, party and grow. She still wanted to date me but other people as well. (sorry, I deserve more than that) She's contacted me every week or so usually via e-mail. A couple weeks ago (it's been 3 months since the break-up) she contacted me. We ended up flirting via e-mail, she came over that night and we kissed. I didn't hear from her for about a week. I then went out of town to see a friend of ours. She e-mailed me asking me about the weekend as soon as I got back. I kept the response very short. She then sent me a text the day after x-mas wishing me happy holidays. She's already dating other people. What do I do? Do I give up hope? Why is she contacting me? By the way, she was out of town visiting our friend this past weekend. I thought for sure they would've talked about stuff and she would have contacted me. Am I fool for thinking that?
bluechocolate Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 She's already dating other people. What do I do? Assume it's over & act accordingly. Tell her to stop contacting you & don't respond when she does. Why is she contacting me? My guess - she knows how you feel & it makes her feel good to know that there's someone out there pining & waiting for her. You're the back-up guy & occasional contact keeps you dangling. Whether it's intentional on her part or not, she's playing you.
Art_Critic Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 It's an ego stroke for her to contact you and she verifies that she still has you on a string.. The best thing you could do for the situation is to stop replying to ALL of her communication for a while.. do NC for a month or so and then rethink the NC after the month.. Her contacting you while she is still doing other guys is flat out a hurtful terrible thing to do to you.. Show her that you are gone.. Let her really miss you
gfto Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 the other posters hit the nail on the head. She knows you're still gone over her, and it gives her an ego boost to know that you'd take her back in a second. Should you give up hope? Yes. I wouldn't even tell her not to contact you anymore. Simply quit replying to her e-mails and text messages. If you must reply, tell her you'll talk later, because your date is waiting outside in the car. Meanwhile, you should be getting some new phone numbers from the ladies.
salmagundi Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 Hey Skeptik, our situations are way too similar, so maybe I can offer up my two bits worth. My ex is doing the same thing. We broke up for much the same reasons. She wasn't ready to commit to a LTR and wasnt ready to be "exclusive." But shes also not ready to let go of me: "I'm scared to lose you" she says. So post breakup she keeps contacting me, ostensibly pursuing frienship with me but saying and doing things to make me think that shes after more. See my post of about a week ago for the whole sorry story. Its hard on me because I cant tell if she genuinely misses me and genuinely regrets our breakup and just wants time to sort out her feelings or if, as many on this forum have suggested to you, she is keeping me dangling on a string for the sake of her own fragile ego. I dont know. Its all I think about right now. I'm 3000 kilometres away from her and thatsall I have to think about. That and whats going to happen when I get back and we see each other again. Will we get back together or will I be crushingly disappointed...again? Its hard to give up hope and give up on somebody you love(d) and want to be with. Its harder still to imagine that you're playing fool for love. To resolve this I keep a part of me open to the very real possibility of a reconciliation between us. But I give most of myself over to concentrating on working on the future that I may well have to live...without her. This makes me stronger and better able to face either possibility. Its far better than betting the last of my emotional stability on us getting back together again. I dont know if my ex is seeing other people, her friends insist it isnt the case. If yours is, well, her desire to play the field is understandable, but I wouldnt take it as a harbinger of good things to come between you two. Of course, thats the stony reality I'm trying to confront myself. I think both of us should move on first, and then worry about what the ex wants. MAybe by then we wont want that anymore anyway. good luck, salmagundi
Author skeptik224 Posted December 29, 2005 Author Posted December 29, 2005 Thanks, guys. I appreciate your insight. I know that she desperately wants to be friends with me. She knows that I'm not ready for it right now. The positive thing for her is that she's in therapy trying to work on herself. (although I question how much she's working on it) My closest friend (who my ex and her had an ahour long conversation about a month ago about "us") seems to think that it's hard for both of us to see each other. A couple weeks ago she and I were e-mailing (she wanted to get some stuff from my place). I told her straight out I wasn't ready to be friends, but that I did want to get to know her again while she gets to know herself. I asked if that was ok. She said sure. (she's supposedly trying to figure out who she really is) Long story short...she came over that night and we ended up making out in my driveway. Then I didn't talk to her for a week. She e-mailed me but didn't even bring up anything from our previous conversations. My friend seems to think that it's obvious we both want to be together but she needs to work on herself. It's just crazy...
Author skeptik224 Posted December 29, 2005 Author Posted December 29, 2005 It's so hard when she says that I love you, miss you and do want to date you but I just can't commit to anyone or anything right now. In the past when relationships have ended, it was pretty cut and dry. None of this going back/forth crap. Sal - our 2 situations definately do sound similar. If you ever need to talk outside of the forum, let me know. I'd be glad to help ya out
salmagundi Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 yeah skeptic, they're eerily similar. i'm starting to wonder if we havent been seeing thesame woman (my ex, i found out, is off to see a shrink too, hope its not my fault:)). Sure, I'd love to talk. How? sal
Author skeptik224 Posted December 29, 2005 Author Posted December 29, 2005 Feel free to e-mail me at skeptik224@aol.com. It's good that they're in therapy. If you were the reason she entered into therapy, it's a good thing. It shows that she realizes that she has issues to work on. Maybe losing you in the interim has caused her to realize that.
Jadey Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 My ex has started to text me again too....why can't they either ask for us back or just let us move on?? Do they even realise how hurtful they can be it's so hurtful
salmagundi Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 that is exactly the same question I have been asking myself. I can understand if they want to continue being friends; its hard to just end a relationship with somebody you know so well and probably still want in your life. Its stupid to try to be friends with someone you've left, but at least its understandable. What gets me is when they leave you but then keep coming around, calling, emailing etc without making it obvious that they're only after friendship. I think of the last email my ex sent me at xmas which read simply: "joyeux noel, je pense à toixxx Vrginie." ("merry christmas I'm thinking of you etc...) How do you take that? If she wants to get back together I'm still waiting for her to more concretely say so but if we're just friends, I would rewrite that email by taking out the "xxx" and inserting something along the lines of "and I really hope we can still be good friends..." You know? Something unambiguous so I can't get the wrong idea. As it is, I have no idea what the right idea is now... So yeah, let me reiterate Jadey's questions. If they dump us, why cant they just leave us alone and let us move on? What does it mean when they dont? Why do they do this? How do you tell what is really motivating them (genuine confusion over their feelings, ego stroking, loneliness and a desire to keep us on the backburner...other reasons?) wtf... salmagundi
l13578920001 Posted January 1, 2006 Posted January 1, 2006 Welcome to my life, I still barely understand what that means, work on themselves. I have alwasy thought that as a couple problems should be worked out together. I just wanted to let you guys know you are not alone. PArt of me realizes that we will never get back together, but I have a little hope. I know that makes me weak, but I cannot help it. I think that part of the problem is that my girlfriend is very scared of everything. We got really close and I had the possibility of hurting her greatly. Even though I didn't I still had the power. So she hurt me first. Also, waiting sucks.
Author skeptik224 Posted January 3, 2006 Author Posted January 3, 2006 You're right...sometimes they want to hurt you before they get hurt. It's kind of like they think we're too good for them. My ex didn't text me on NYE - which broke my heart. Her b-day is this Saturday. I'm going to mail her a card - nothing mushy - and leave it at that. She's in therapy but still doing what she can to avoid things...like me. She's scared of me. It's obvious. She actually went out of town over x-mas to see a friend of ours. Since I haven't heard from her since the day after x-mas (when she met with our friend) I can only assume that the friend told her to leave me alone until she gets her crap together. But...by that time it might be too late. You're right...working on yourself doesn't make total sense to me. If you're in a relationship, you should work on it together - not run away from someone. I do, however, believe that sometimes they need the space and freedom to realize what they had in the first place. Who knows....
chocolate_boy Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 PArt of me realizes that we will never get back together, but I have a little hope. I know that makes me weak, but I cannot help it. I think that part of the problem is that my girlfriend is very scared of everything. We got really close and I had the possibility of hurting her greatly. Even though I didn't I still had the power. So she hurt me first. Also, waiting sucks. Change that quote to "... the problem is that my EX girlfriend is very scared of everything". Your attitude needs to change before you can move on, and I know you have the strength too, it's a horrible time, but it does get better, promise!
CaliGuy Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 My ex has started to text me again too....why can't they either ask for us back or just let us move on?? Do they even realise how hurtful they can be it's so hurtful You have control over your emotions. Don't let him text you, if he does, delete it. Show him you have the power, not him. Whatever you guys do, don't answer anything that doesn't say "I'm sorry, I screwed up, I want another chance." Then make them earn it. You don't have to give them another chance if you don't want to but giving in to them and answering their emails/text/calls just keeps you on a string and gives them the power they desire over you. Mind over matter.
chocolate_boy Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 Good advice Cali. My ex has txt me three times in December, I haven't replied to a single one, she can get f*cked for all I care. Got one on Friday asking how I was and how my xmas was, I just laughed at how pathetic it was and deleted it.
Jadey Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 that is exactly the same question I have been asking myself. I can understand if they want to continue being friends; its hard to just end a relationship with somebody you know so well and probably still want in your life. Its stupid to try to be friends with someone you've left, but at least its understandable. What gets me is when they leave you but then keep coming around, calling, emailing etc without making it obvious that they're only after friendship. I think of the last email my ex sent me at xmas which read simply: "joyeux noel, je pense à toixxx Vrginie." ("merry christmas I'm thinking of you etc...) How do you take that? If she wants to get back together I'm still waiting for her to more concretely say so but if we're just friends, I would rewrite that email by taking out the "xxx" and inserting something along the lines of "and I really hope we can still be good friends..." You know? Something unambiguous so I can't get the wrong idea. As it is, I have no idea what the right idea is now... So yeah, let me reiterate Jadey's questions. If they dump us, why cant they just leave us alone and let us move on? What does it mean when they dont? Why do they do this? How do you tell what is really motivating them (genuine confusion over their feelings, ego stroking, loneliness and a desire to keep us on the backburner...other reasons?) wtf... salmagundi I think (atlough do i even know him anymore??) with my ex he wants to be friends but he can't coem out and say it because he realises how stupid it would be to ask me for my friendship, so instead he texts me acting like nothing happened, which is 100% worse!! Maybe it's his pride too? Admiting that he wants/needs my friendship? I dunno! The boy is the hardest book to read ever! It is different with everyone, some may be confused with their feelings, some may want an ego boost, some may just generiouly want friendship. It's different for everyone. I just wish my exbf would come out and say wahat he wants because like you said eventhough asking for friendship would be abit stupid, i'd respect it alot more than this acting like we are already the best of buddies or something You have control over your emotions. Don't let him text you, if he does, delete it. Show him you have the power, not him That's the thing, at the moment he has control over my emotions and it sucks Jadex
CaliGuy Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 That's the thing, at the moment he has control over my emotions and it sucks On the contrary, you give him that control. He'll only have it as long as you allow him to. When you decide you love and respect yourself enough, you'll stop it. You won't let him get to you. The day I decided I loved and respected myself to know I deserved better than her crumbs of attention was the day I took control of my life. My self-esteem and confidence have never been better. And you know what, I don't miss her at all. Not anymore.
Jadey Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 On the contrary, you give him that control. He'll only have it as long as you allow him to. When you decide you love and respect yourself enough, you'll stop it. You won't let him get to you. The day I decided I loved and respected myself to know I deserved better than her crumbs of attention was the day I took control of my life. My self-esteem and confidence have never been better. And you know what, I don't miss her at all. Not anymore. You are right. This is more about me, not having enough seld esteem. Part of me think that i wont be able to get better than him, but i know deep down that i can do SO much better. Because i am loving somebody that probably doesn't love me, what could be worse right? Thanks for your reply hun Jadex
Author skeptik224 Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 We all deserve 100%. My ex e-mailed me about 3 weeks ago. I told her flat out that I wasn't ready to be "just friends." Believe it or not, she respected that. We did end up seeing each other and making out, but there's a huge chemistry between us. She knows how good I treat her and how well I know her. She made those comments - again - that night. Since then, she's e-mailed me one time (I wasn't really into having a conversation with her) and then the text she sent me the text the day after x-mas. I was bummed that she didn't text me on new years but hey...an ex from about a year ago did. Anyway, her b-day is coming up this Sat. I sent her a card - nothing mushy - but that's it. I know that she needs to work on herself, and although it hurts so bad, I can't do anything to change it. I can't make her realize things - she has to do that on her own. Our self-esteem gets low when a relationship ends whether we are the dumper or dumpee. She's dating around so she doesn't have to deal with the issues at hand. (It's a long story) I, however, would rather deal with them now before I start dating and hurt someone. I care too much about myself to do that - let alone the other person. It's funny, though...I'd bet that if we all stop responding to our exes they'd start contacting us more and more.
Jadey Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 It's funny, though...I'd bet that if we all stop responding to our exes they'd start contacting us more and more. Right on brother! You are correct. Take this for an example....when my ex dumped me at first i was truely pathetic (but was blinded and couldn't see at the time..) and i would text and call him constantly and he was so mean, he would only answer when he wanted to and completley took me for a ride. Then one day i met a guy who fell in love with me (we are just great friends though..) and he made me feel so damn special i didn't want to talk to the ex i just wanted to talk to him. So i was in NC for roughly 2 months, abit longer. And suddenly i get a "hello" out of the blue, i ignore it. Then i get xmas greetings (which i did answer) and he kept on texting me ike nothing had happened, asked why i hadn't been in contact in so long. Brilliant. They HATE to think we've moved on, even if they don't actually want us. Humans are pathetic lol.
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