I'm to old for games

[Achilles2000]

Recently I met a woman at an office through a business deal. As I sat in her office I was in shock by her beauty and her charm. At the same time I felt confused with a strong sense of deja-vu.

 

During our meeting we veered off business talk and began talking about our personal lives. To my surprise she volunteered personal information, such as the neighborhood she lives in (near me) she that she likes to travel and that she’s single, and her favorite flowers. 

 

Regardless, I did not ask her out nor got her number. The strong sense of deja-vu confused me. 

 

Later that night, everything became clearer and I recalled meeting this woman at a dinner party of a mutual friend.

 

As a result, on the next day I passed by her office and left her a thank you card with her secretary. In one hour she called me, happy and very elated by my action. I then shared our past encounter and she admitted feeling the same sense of deja-vu in her office on the prior day. 

We spoke a little and before getting off the phone she asked me to stay in touch. At that point, I explained that I was leaving town for a week but upon my return would like to invite her out to lunch. She became very excited and agreed on a day.

 

During my travels we stayed in touch via text, but nothing elaborate. However, I was surprised by many of her responses stating that she couldn’t wait to get together and see me again and her interest in getting to know me better. 

Then when the lunch date arrived, she called me to cancel due to a work emergency. She apologized and promised to make up for it. In the same conversation she stated that she was staying late at work and ask me to pass by if I was in the area. When I passed by she gave me a big hug, showered me with compliments on my clothing, became very flirtatious -all in the presence of her secretary. We then looked at the calendar and scheduled a dinner date. 

 

Everyday after this encounter she would text me messages eager for the day to arrive. Three days prior to meeting up, I called her to make final arrangements, she said she had to check on her schedule and promised to call back. Instead of calling she sent me a long apology text -once again cancelling, this time with a lame excuse of why she could not make it (her work schedule and a legal deadline). However, this time she cancelled and did not offering an alternative date. I texted her back, I acknowledged the cancellation and asked if we could reschedule for another time? She never responded and went silent.

 

I don’t understand why someone would go through all this effort, and with no logical reason close the door and treat me as persona non grata.

 

Even though she doesn’t owe me anything, I felt misled and somewhat emotionally used.

Why shower me with praise? Why urge me to pass by her office more often to see her? Why the endless text messages expressing how happy I made her day with my card, text, dinner offer, messages or flirtatious comment's? Why keep this chain of events going? Why go through such effort? Why waste such time?

 

We all faced rejection in life. However, what bothered me more was the misleading contradiction of her actions. 

 

Eventually I have to return to her office and deal with her for business reasons. When it happens, I will smile, avoid the topic of the past, keep it professional and move on. It’s best to avoid people like that. The feeling of being emotionally misled will always bother me and to a degree I feel disrespectful.

 

Recently I shared the above with a close friend and he advised not to take it so personal. He advised not to call her and if she’s interested she will call you. 

 

What do you think?

[Alpacalia]

I agree with your friend. I do believe that there needs to be some flexibility initially and an opportunity to develop a comfort level before a nuclear like fire can be lit. This does not happen automatically, you need to be in a routine in order to know each other and then perhaps who knows.

One cancellation and reschedule? Sure...things happen. But flake out after flake out there is a huge problem and "run away syndrome" and you are experiencing that. When someone makes future plans, then cancels because they are taking a day off for a day at the zoo or whatever the next time around... well that would be hard to handle.

Anyway, I would "let it go" and not mention it.

You have shown her interest and tried to make plans, but it seems like she is not ready or able to reciprocate.

[Sony12]

Sounds like she might naturally be a very flirtatious person. Also how flirtatious is the office environment she works in? Some office environments are pretty flirtatious with people there being friends (and at times more than friends) outside of the workplace. Not always wise to partake in those types of things through the workplace but those types of workplace environments do exist and you probably aren't the only one whom she flirts with in that environment.

As far as how to handle future meetings with her just be professional about it. Outside of maybe being a little more flirtatious than she should have been she hasn't treated you poorly in anyway.

 

Edited April 4, 2024 by Sony12

[SurfCity]

On 4/3/2024 at 5:57 PM, Achilles2000 said:

Even though she doesn’t owe me anything, I felt misled and somewhat emotionally used.

Why shower me with praise? Why urge me to pass by her office more often to see her? Why the endless text messages expressing how happy I made her day with my card, text, dinner offer, messages or flirtatious comment's? Why keep this chain of events going? Why go through such effort? Why waste such time?

 

It seems pretty obvious that she did this for the business deal. Flirting at work is an easy thing that men and women do to close the deal, get discounts, climb the corporate ladder etc. I wouldn't take it personally, she's probably like that with all of her clients.

You didn't say your age but I'm guessing that she's quite a bit younger than you. Flirting with the older guy is a really easy way to excel in the business world. Pretty much everyone knows not to take it seriously. It's like when the waitress or bartender flirts to get good tips, everyone knows not to take it seriously. 

[Maldives]

Had the same thing happen to me recently. Girl asked me out to her friends party said she would confirm a time and location got close to 8pm hadn't heard from her all day so messaged her what was happening and then she said her friend cancelled the party. That was probably the 3rd time that happened over a 8 mth period (long story we been in touch on and off and are FB friends for a year or so) so I just left it at that. Who knows what they're thinking or why they behave like that lol I just try and let it go now and go with the flow and not overthink it. She asked me out after I'd wished her a happy Easter and mentioned maybe catching up. A day or so passed and that was Friday I'd messaged her and then given our history I'd decided in my head I wouldn't ask her out and then I heard from her Sunday when she asked if I wanted to go to her friends. I followed up Monday if she was free but she was going out. Thought I'd add some context. So I just left it after that. I don't have the energy chasing someone like that anymore lol. 

Edited April 7, 2024 by Goodguy05

[Ariadne]

On 4/3/2024 at 9:57 PM, Achilles2000 said:

 

 

....

 

Edited April 7, 2024 by Ariadne

[ZA Dater]

On 4/4/2024 at 2:57 AM, Achilles2000 said:

Recently I met a woman at an office through a business deal. As I sat in her office I was in shock by her beauty and her charm. At the same time I felt confused with a strong sense of deja-vu.

 

During our meeting we veered off business talk and began talking about our personal lives. To my surprise she volunteered personal information, such as the neighborhood she lives in (near me) she that she likes to travel and that she’s single, and her favorite flowers. 

 

Regardless, I did not ask her out nor got her number. The strong sense of deja-vu confused me. 

 

Later that night, everything became clearer and I recalled meeting this woman at a dinner party of a mutual friend.

 

As a result, on the next day I passed by her office and left her a thank you card with her secretary. In one hour she called me, happy and very elated by my action. I then shared our past encounter and she admitted feeling the same sense of deja-vu in her office on the prior day. 

We spoke a little and before getting off the phone she asked me to stay in touch. At that point, I explained that I was leaving town for a week but upon my return would like to invite her out to lunch. She became very excited and agreed on a day.

 

During my travels we stayed in touch via text, but nothing elaborate. However, I was surprised by many of her responses stating that she couldn’t wait to get together and see me again and her interest in getting to know me better. 

Then when the lunch date arrived, she called me to cancel due to a work emergency. She apologized and promised to make up for it. In the same conversation she stated that she was staying late at work and ask me to pass by if I was in the area. When I passed by she gave me a big hug, showered me with compliments on my clothing, became very flirtatious -all in the presence of her secretary. We then looked at the calendar and scheduled a dinner date. 

 

Everyday after this encounter she would text me messages eager for the day to arrive. Three days prior to meeting up, I called her to make final arrangements, she said she had to check on her schedule and promised to call back. Instead of calling she sent me a long apology text -once again cancelling, this time with a lame excuse of why she could not make it (her work schedule and a legal deadline). However, this time she cancelled and did not offering an alternative date. I texted her back, I acknowledged the cancellation and asked if we could reschedule for another time? She never responded and went silent.

 

I don’t understand why someone would go through all this effort, and with no logical reason close the door and treat me as persona non grata.

 

Even though she doesn’t owe me anything, I felt misled and somewhat emotionally used.

Why shower me with praise? Why urge me to pass by her office more often to see her? Why the endless text messages expressing how happy I made her day with my card, text, dinner offer, messages or flirtatious comment's? Why keep this chain of events going? Why go through such effort? Why waste such time?

 

We all faced rejection in life. However, what bothered me more was the misleading contradiction of her actions. 

 

Eventually I have to return to her office and deal with her for business reasons. When it happens, I will smile, avoid the topic of the past, keep it professional and move on. It’s best to avoid people like that. The feeling of being emotionally misled will always bother me and to a degree I feel disrespectful.

 

Recently I shared the above with a close friend and he advised not to take it so personal. He advised not to call her and if she’s interested she will call you. 

 

What do you think?

Yeah oddly I have have a very similar experience recently, in fact its about 95% the same. Your close friend has given you some good advice, I was given the same advice but its a very difficult piece of advice to follow because everything is misleading, word have not been matched by actions on her part which makes responding to her challenging.

You could of  course the business part done and then ask her to lunch again and see whether she was holding back due to the business side of the relationship. How integral were you in the deal in the sense would have be advancing or benefiting her in any way in this deal?

[OldManThinking]

What is her job?  You mention "legal", but nothing more.  She has a Secretary, so presumably she's in a management position, or at least a role that has a lot of responsibility. 

First thing, and I hate to sound like a woman's libber, but a woman who wants to climb the corporate ladder had to act, and look, a certain way.  Which isn't my taking anything away from them skill-wise at all, just that the way they look and act is more important than it is for men.

Secondly, is she in any way associated with Sales?  Because honestly, the way you describe her initial actions and subsequent ones, it's what I would associate with a sales-type position.  Sales people want to get to personal details quickly, to make you consider them a friend right away, and yes - to introduce some intimacy from meeting 1.  If she's been doing this for a while, she probably doesn't even know she's doing it.  If this is accurate, she's not lying to you or being dishonest, you're simply vulnerable

Of course, her excuses might well be legitimate.  Again, she must be in some kind of management role, or one with great responsibility.  She's single, so likely prioritized her career through the years.  She's probably never going to be able to shake off those behaviors.

As it stands, you had a date set, and she cancelled.  So, I'd wait it out to see if she contacts you after some time without prodding from you.  Also keep in mind, I assume you're a client of hers?  Or vice-versa?  That's not a great thing to get involved in, imo.  So that's against you too.

I would wait.  I would also not hold it against her at all.  I know you're feeling perhaps a little upset over what happened, but I feel like it was, at worse, your mis-reading of the interaction that is causing the angst.  So you have to own that.