Found my partner has a account on Bumble

[S1983]

I've been in a committed relationship for about 8-9 months with the girl of my dreams. I'm 40 and she is 36. We met on bumble and promised to never use it again whilst we are a couple. This was over 6 months ago. Last few months she's slowly got distant and the contact in general was almost becoming non existent.

I had a feeling she might be using dating apps again, so I created an account and guess who was the first profile to appear, hers = /. It's a blue tick verified account and the distance is the same as her distance from me. I confronted her about it, showed her the screen shot and quizzed her on it. She's totally denying using it and says she ain't logged in since we've been a couple.

I know she's lying and I don't know what to do. I said if she admits to have logged on or whatever she has done we can try talking through it and see what the issue is. I feel like my trust has been diminished and without it I can't see a future in our relationship.

Any advice? I'm at a real loss and I'm feeling like this is the end for us.

[Lotsgoingon]

Let's run a thought experiment.

Yes, clearly this relationship is dead. You created your fake Bumble account and discovered her. 

You have only been dating six months and the last few months (not days--months!) she has grown distant. What took you so long to react? That's enough for you to know the relationship isn't working and to get out of it. You aren't going to have Bumble confirmation all the time when someone pulls away from you. But you have enough information already to warrant a breakup. Or warrant a blunt conversation--if you want to see if she wants to correct things.

So now you've shown her the Bumble screen and quizzed her. Why? Why? Why? Why? Do you need to ask the mugger what he intends after he pulls a weapon on you? Do you need the mugger to say "I'm robbing you and I know it's wrong"?

You knew she wasn't into the relationship by her months of distance. Stop. That's enough. More than enough. At six months, two weeks of distance is often a crisis. What are you waiting for?

I feel like my trust has been diminished and without it I can't see a future in our relationship.

This is the understatement of the year. You should have no trust at this point!

My advice: come out of denial and move on! Any dissatisfaction with her from this point on is on you--because you will be willfully volunteering to continue on with someone who has already left the relationship. 

[basil67]

Of course it's the end.  But you should have either had a discussion or pulled the plug way before now.  The Bumble thing is just symptom of the bigger issue of her  checking out.

For future reference, there are two methods which could have addressed the problem before the Bumble incident:

1 - recongise that she's emotionally exited the relationship and just end it.  In my view, this would have been the best option.  

2 - if you don't have the courage to just pull the plug, raise a conversation along the lines of "I feel we're becoming distant and there's little contact these days.  How are you feeling about our relationship"  Note that there's no blaming language here...you'll get more honesty if they aren't feeling defensive.  But don't ever leave an issue unaddressed for a few months.  

Lastly, even if she is being honest about not using Bumble, the relationship has been dead for a couple of months.  It's beyond saving.  

Edited April 3 by basil67

[Lotsgoingon]

OP,

Successful dating is as much about getting out of bad relationships and getting away from partners who don't make us feel great.

Dumping this woman asap is not a failure. There are things we can't learn about a person until months into a relationship.  Dumping this woman allow you to get back into the game of finding someone who treats you really well and doesn't pull away or go on Bumble while dating you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 4/3/2024 at 10:48 PM, S1983 said:

I'm at a real loss and I'm feeling like this is the end for us.

It is. 

You have only been dating 8 or 9 months, and "the last few months" she has been losing interest. That means for a good chunk of this relationship she hasn't been feeling it. My guess is she is shopping on Bumble for your replacement and planned to let you go as soon as she found a new guy. 

On 4/3/2024 at 10:48 PM, S1983 said:

I said if she admits to have logged on or whatever she has done we can try talking through it

This is pointless. She has already checked out so there is nothing to talk through. 

Just be done with this and walk away. It's too bad she has behaved like this, but let this be the wake-up call that this relationship is already over. 

[smackie9]

Her messaging is almost nonexistent? Is this an LDR?