What do I do?

[blind_otter]

Last year I started posting here because of a difficult breakup, pregnancy, miscarriage - looking for support because I had none through that time in my life. My psycho-ex, as I call him, ended up going to prison for stalking me and trying to kill one of my friends. Even from prison he continues to try to contact me.

 

Initially my approach has been to ignore him. I hope that, without any kind of stimulation or response from me, his obsession will melt away. Unfortunately this doesn't seem to be the case. I have a lifetime restraining order against his mother and him, but both have tried to contact me pretty consistently, although his calls come in spurts, sometimes 8 in a day.

 

If I contact the state attorney, he'll get more charges against him and they'll extend his sentence. But - as with our relationship - he has me paralyzed with indecision. I fear that any response at all to his continued attention will make him more obsessive.

 

It's been over a year since he's laid eyes on me, and about that long since we even spoke. But he just won't let me go. He sent me a Christmas card, and a letter, stating his undying devotion and love and the fact that he will never let go of my memory. He has sent cards twice, an letters 3 times.

 

What do I do? Even if I report him and he gets more charges, I have this horrible feeling that his obsesion with me will get even more twisted and he will come after me when he gets out of prison.

[Art_Critic]

You need to contact the state attorney.. Bring all your evidence..

 

Don't worry about him.. get it on the record that he has an obsession with you while in prison and that he breaks the RO consistantly.

 

start now to build the case even deeper.. When he gets out and if he starts to contact you and break the RO you will have the base case already built top have him picked up and thrown back in jail

[Art_Critic]

Letters and cards you need to be returning to sender on them and not accepting them.

[bluechocolate]

I'm surprised he can send you cards & letters from prison - aren't correspondences vetted before they leave? Shouldn't they know that he's legally not allowed to be contacting you (or do restraining orders not include post?).

 

So ignoring him hasn't worked. Why continue doing the same thing and expect different results?

 

But - as with our relationship - he has me paralyzed with indecision.

 

So stop giving him the upper hand and make one. I think you should be reporting every single incident, from him & his mother. Get some legal advice and ask about the mail from prison.

 

Best for 2006!

[blind_otter]

I'm surprised about the mail and phone calls as well. One of my friends told me that my restraining order is a joke, if he can contact me all he wants from someplace where he's monitored and restrained.

 

I wish they would have let him go into a forensic mental hospital for treatment. That would probably work a lot better than just incarcerating him and letting his mental illness fester untreated.

[brashgal]

It sounds like it will be hard since you were married and there are probably residual feelings there but I also think you should be returning any correspondance unopened. Why give him false hope thinking you are reading his letters?

 

Can you block calls from the prison? You would think there would be a way to do that with current technology. Or maybe you should get one of those robot-voiced answering machines so he doesn't hear your voice on the recording.

 

Stay safe Otter - you sound like you are in a precarious emotional state. You can't be responsible for him, he'll consume you.

[slubberdegullion]

Brash, of the classic avatar, is absolutely right. Follow her words to the letter. And please take good care of yourself. Nothing wrong with being selfish sometimes.

 

Your responsibility for the universe ends with your family and close friends, legal and business obligations; nothing and no one beyond that.

[Lonestar]

Otter, you need to make it so he can't contact you. You shouldn't be in a situation of having to ignore all this. It puts too much stress on you. Maybe you can notify the prison that you don't wish to receive any more correspondence from him. If you don't want to contact tem, try the post office. Maybe they can intercept the mail and send it back marked "return to sender." If you don't live in a small town and the post office isn't so friendly, then whenever you get mail from either him or his mom, bring it straight to the desk of the post office, and tell them to send it back unopened. They might charge you a fee, but what do you care.

 

Change your home phone number, if you don't want to go that far, then block them both from calling. There's a phone feature called "call blocking" which allows you to block up to six numbers. They say it doesn't work on cell phone numbers, but it does if you block the last number that called you. Blocking numbers can always be bypassed by using another phone, so I would suggest getting a new number. I hope this helps

[pippen_2k]

For your own personal health, just change your phone number and move house.

 

Problem solved.

[johan]

If I contact the state attorney, he'll get more charges against him and they'll extend his sentence. But - as with our relationship - he has me paralyzed with indecision. I fear that any response at all to his continued attention will make him more obsessive.

 

People will have a problem with this, but I think you need to respond to him one time and tell him exactly what will happen if you ever get another letter or phone call. Detail it for him and make it as cold and calculating as possible. Paint the picture of lawyers and police and photo-copies and court and prison and the whole thing. Let him know you'll escalate it as far as it takes from the first sign of contact from him.

 

Give him the chance to understand that next time he'll be making a choice about his own future and there is no way around what you'll do. If he's unable to understand that, or simply chooses to do it anyway, then at least you know that reporting it all wasn't your choice, it was his.

 

Blindly reporting him and getting him in trouble is a great way to relieve some anger, but he's still a human and he has a right to choose a life without you. Some might say he's already had his chance, but I would at least consider reminding him he has the option to stop and you'll let it all drop.

 

But your threat cannot be empty, and I think you need to be willing to take it as far as you can. And it has to start the instant you get any contact from him.

[johan]

For your own personal health, just change your phone number and move house.

 

Problem solved.

 

You'd be surprised to find out how ineffective that can be. $25 to the right internet people-finder and you're found.

[Outcast]

I agree. Take your concerns to the legal authorities, precisely because you don't want him to get out sooner. The longer he stews while away, hopefully there obsession will subside. But the authorities need to know that he's not getting any better.

 

And for sure have his calls blocked (and his mom's calls, too) and have someone else write 'delivery refused' on his letters and send them to the legal authorities.

 

Hell, if I were you, I'd move.

[blind_otter]

It's easy enough to move, I know. I've been planning to move in four years, when he's supposed to get out...but it's hard, when I have this house, and a place to live rent free. And my family here.

 

I'm ready to give it up but I want more time with them before I move on with my life. I kind of agree with johan but I don't trust myself. I know he's a human being and despite everything he's done I want him to find a better life, without the specter of our relationship haunting him all the time.

[johan]

I can see two sides to the moving suggestion.

 

1) It's the minimum you can do to frustrate him. At least you'll become somewhat unavailable. I think he'd find you if he really wanted to, and from what I've read so far, I'd expect him to try.

 

2) It's your place. What happens when he tracks you down at the next one? Move again? It's your life and to some extent you'd be letting him control it.

 

Changing your number might be a smart move, but there are places that give out unlisted numbers for a fee. It happened recently to a girl I know and it freaked her out when her former stalker suddenly started calling again.

[bluechocolate]

People will have a problem with this, but I think you need to respond to him one time and tell him exactly what will happen if you ever get another letter or phone call.

 

I'm one of those people. He's in prison now - he already knows what can happen.

 

Her contacting him directly, in any way, will affirm to him that his tactics are working. It doesn't matter what she says to him, all that matters is that she's responded in person - he's got to her. And if it's worked once, in his mind it will work again & he'll probably escalate the attempts at contact. She's afraid that even third party contact through a lawyer will fuel his obsession.

 

I fear that any response at all to his continued attention will make him more obsessive.

 

---------------------------

 

'She' is the cat's mother - sorry otter.

 

I know he's a human being and despite everything he's done I want him to find a better life, without the specter of our relationship haunting him all the time.

 

Then surely you understand that he has to learn to stop the contact? Yes, it would be better if he had proper mental health care, but sometimes you have to work with what you're given.

 

Report him & every contact he makes and find out how you can stop him from contacting you from prison. At the very least make some queries to clarify your options and the outcomes.

[Mz. Pixie]

Otter,

 

Is there still a hold there despite everything that's happened?? I know you hate to hurt him even though he's hurt you and that's the cause of all of this.

 

You're a good person. Give yourself permission to protect yourself. Go to the state's attorney. He knows he shouldn't be contacting you but I believe he's counting on your not turning him in on this. Surprise him.

 

Hope you are well otherwise.

[johan]

Her contacting him directly, in any way, will affirm to him that his tactics are working. It doesn't matter what she says to him, all that matters is that she's responded in person - he's got to her. And if it's worked once, in his mind it will work again & he'll probably escalate the attempts at contact. She's afraid that even third party contact through a lawyer will fuel his obsession.

 

I don't agree that it's an indication that his tactics are working. And it's irrelevant what he thinks, as long as she follows through on her threat. I don't think it's necessary for her to pretend he hasn't gotten to her. And what you called having it "work once" isn't logical either. What will work is if he contacts her again, then she'll follow through on her threat. None of this works out to his advantage. Right now he thinks it's ok. I think she needs to state clearly that it's not and he's used up his last chance. This clears her conscience and makes it clear to them both that his future is in his own hands.

 

I would recommend against my suggestion if her heart is not in the follow-through. That's critical. Because I believe he'll push her to it. The reason is because he doesn't respect her word. Now she can make it clear she means it when she says it's time to stop.

[blind_otter]

It's hard for me to understand how he can make me afraid, even from prison, safely away from me.

[bluechocolate]

I don't agree that it's an indication that his tactics are working. And it's irrelevant what he thinks, as long as she follows through on her threat. I don't think it's necessary for her to pretend he hasn't gotten to her. And what you called having it "work once" isn't logical either. What will work is if he contacts her again, then she'll follow through on her threat. None of this works out to his advantage. Right now he thinks it's ok. I think she needs to state clearly that it's not and he's used up his last chance. This clears her conscience and makes it clear to them both that his future is in his own hands.

 

I would recommend against my suggestion if her heart is not in the follow-through. That's critical. Because I believe he'll push her to it. The reason is because he doesn't respect her word. Now she can make it clear she means it when she says it's time to stop.

 

Whatever johan.

 

I have two friends, each in a different country, who have gone through a similar experience. One of the first things they were told from police liaison officers was that you never, ever contact the stalker. Not for any reason. One was told that you don't even return mail. No contact. Zilch. I'll go with that. And it doesn't matter what you think is logical. What matters is what is going in the brain of the stalker & that is far from logical.

 

They were also told that every contact and attempt at contact should be logged & reported.

 

You were probably told something similar otter.

[johan]

Well, if the authorities gave you specific instructions what to do, otter, then I'd stick to them. If something goes wrong in the future, it will be partly on your shoulders as well, because they took responsibility for him and expected you to do your part. Right now they think everything is fine, and it isn't. They'll let him out believing the same thing, unless you speak up.

 

Keep in mind that they made it clear to him what the consequences would be as well, so I might reconsider my statement that you should send him anything. I don't think it matters whether you do, really, because you still have the law on your side. But it should already have been made clear to him, so you don't need to worry.

 

You are part of the enforcement process and your best means of protection is to use what has been offered to you by the law.

 

In fact, from that perspective, returning his correspondence unopened is probably not even the right answer. It all should go to the police. It's all evidence you don't want to get lost.

[Outcast]

I think she needs to state clearly that it's not and he's used up his last chance. This clears her conscience and makes it clear to them both that his future is in his own hands.

 

I was going to suggest this, however I reread her post and she has said that she has not accepted any attempts at contact so far, though she hasn't reported them. So if she hasn't spoken to him or answered any of his bids for communication, then I'm with Bluechocolate that she should NOT start contacting him now.

 

If, OTOH, she has allowed or reciprocated any contact, then I agree she needs to send him the message that she will no longer do so because if she had been communicating with him, that signalled to him that it was acceptable so she'd owe him a communication explaining that it will no longer be OK.

[whichwayisup]

Last year I started posting here because of a difficult breakup, pregnancy, miscarriage - looking for support because I had none through that time in my life. My psycho-ex, as I call him, ended up going to prison for stalking me and trying to kill one of my friends. Even from prison he continues to try to contact me.

 

Initially my approach has been to ignore him. I hope that, without any kind of stimulation or response from me, his obsession will melt away. Unfortunately this doesn't seem to be the case. I have a lifetime restraining order against his mother and him, but both have tried to contact me pretty consistently, although his calls come in spurts, sometimes 8 in a day.

 

If I contact the state attorney, he'll get more charges against him and they'll extend his sentence. But - as with our relationship - he has me paralyzed with indecision. I fear that any response at all to his continued attention will make him more obsessive.

 

It's been over a year since he's laid eyes on me, and about that long since we even spoke. But he just won't let me go. He sent me a Christmas card, and a letter, stating his undying devotion and love and the fact that he will never let go of my memory. He has sent cards twice, an letters 3 times.

 

What do I do? Even if I report him and he gets more charges, I have this horrible feeling that his obsesion with me will get even more twisted and he will come after me when he gets out of prison.

 

Holy cow! That is so much to deal with. I'm sorry that you've had to go through all that and he still isn't leaving you alone.

 

Please, call the police and definately get the sentence longer. He is breaking the law by contacting you!

 

I do hope the police are there for your protection B_O. He shouldn't get out of jail and if he does, they (Police) better damn well make sure he is being followed 24/7.

[whichwayisup]

It's hard for me to understand how he can make me afraid, even from prison, safely away from me.

 

He thrives off of the power and thrill of scaring you. Don't let him beat you on this one. CALL the police and report him. For your own safety. You have nothing to lose by calling.

[Becoming]

Otter, you seem unduly worried about getting this guy in trouble. I don't understand why his feelings and life seem so important, at times even more important than your life and your needs.

 

YOU DESERVE TO FEEL SAFE!

 

Take your power back, girl! This man thrives on the power he has over you. To contact him for any reason whatsoever will just give him what he wants--to know he can affect you in any way.

 

Just because he's mentally ill doesn't mean you have to be. Your power is to log every contact that is against the restraining order against he and his mother. And to call and write the attorney general after each one.

 

If you move before he gets out and mail is returned to him, he can request the new address.

 

As long as you keep cowering in fear, fear wins and will control your life. Don't let it!

[Craig]

I have a lifetime restraining order against his mother and him, but both have tried to contact me pretty consistently

 

If you don't report the letters and phone calls, the police and courts tend to look at that as meaning that you weren't bothered by them. So you need to report both him and his mother.

 

If you chose to move, you can likely avoid being found out by one of those $25.00 Internet search companies by using the services of your local domestic violence center. In some States (I don't know if it is all) dv centers have the resources to hide your whereabouts from public records and SOME private commercial records. Just don't get any subscriptions to Cosmo in your name at your new "secret" address. They'll tell you how it works if you call them.

 

It's normal to feel fear even though he's in jail. About the best thing you could do is get into counseling at your local dv center. Individual and/or group counseling will help a lot.