depressedwife Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 I am an Asian woman and have been married from past two years. Mine was an arranged marriage (with my consent) but my husband was emotionally blackmail by his family members to get married to me which I came to know after the marriage. My sister-in-law is also my first cousin and is married to my husband’s younger brother. All four of us used to stay together. But from the time I have got married, I have noticed that my husband used to prefer to spend most of his time with my sister-in-law rather than me. She has a small child and so, I used to do most of the work while she used to take care of her child. During these times, if my husband would come back from work, he would chat with her but won’t talk to me much. His younger brother doesn’t have any problem if my husband spends most of the times especially during night time chatting with her neither does she has any problem spending time with my husband. Also, sometimes when he used to get angry on me if I would object of him sitting with her, he used to hit and abuse me badly. I couldn’t stand all this especially their physical closeness (my husband and sister-in-law) and so, I returned back to my hometown. Now, I am staying in my hometown and my husband calls me only once in a month (that’s too we speak only for few minutes because we got nothing to talk about!). His usual habit (physical closeness with my sister-in-law) is still on and he doesn’t seem to be bothered to even say that he is missing me neither has helped me in financial matters. He feels that since I am away from him, I should earn and make my own living. If I talk about our relationship problem, he says there is nothing to worry about and that I should adjust myself in this environment. He doesn’t want to get a separate house where only I and my husband can live. He says that I should stay with his brother and his wife. I feel I should go back to his town and try to work there and stay with him. I am highly qualified than him and so, it wont be a problem for me to get a job. But I also feel that he is cheating on me and I should prefer to give him divorce. I don’t know what to do. Please help me.
tinktronik Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Divorce him. You can move anywhere you want on your own and if your qualified can get work .Im sorry youve had to go through this, but make the most out of your life.Good luck. Tink
Author depressedwife Posted December 28, 2005 Author Posted December 28, 2005 I think you are right. But I also think that I should give him a warning and if he does this again, I will divorce him. Is this decision right? I am fully confused and dont know that to do. Please help me out!!!
JadeStar Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 A warning? Not sure that will help him to change. It could, but I doubt it. You even stated at one point he was abusive to you, that should be enough to get out wheather he is cheating or not. Jade
Author depressedwife Posted December 28, 2005 Author Posted December 28, 2005 I thought of giving him a warning because I am little apprehensive about what the world would say if i give him a divorce. I come from a family where we stay with our husbands and divorce is something treated as a cultural shock thing. My husband has also said that he has left the final decision on me and he will accept whatever the decision I will make. He feels everything will be alright in the future. But he is not willing to buy another house and stay seperate. Also, when he used to hurt me, my sister-in-law never stop him....neither his brother because they felt its our personal matter....
JadeStar Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Its not up to your brother or sister-in-law to stop him, its up to him to get ahold of his actions. The only thing about a warning AKA ultimatiums is that people rarely follow through with what they say they are gonna do. So if you tell him things need to change on his end and they don't, then you will need to follow through with what you say you're gonna do about leaving or he will never take you seriously, therefore his actions will not change. He will figure why should he because he sees you're gonna stay and he will continue to do what hes doing. I understand the cultural thing, however my mother in-law was in a similar situation as you, and her situation was not based on a cultural thing, hers was based on choice. They have been married for almost 53 years and she lived in pure hell. He cheated, she knew it she stayed because back in her day thats the way they did things. You stay no matter what. To this day she is still miserable because of the choice she made to stay. Personally to each their own but that just sounds like a miserable way to live. Jade
Author depressedwife Posted December 28, 2005 Author Posted December 28, 2005 Well after reading all this, I am thinking that I will tell him that we need to start our married life by getting a seperate house.This way atleast we can focuss on each other and understand each other better.As till now my husband has always been involved in his family issues. Due to this he has never concentrated on our married life.If my husband is not agreeing to seperate from his brother, then I think this will me a hint that he has affair with my sister-in-law.
SamandBran Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 You stated that your husband has abused you , spends more time with your sister-in-law than you and basically treats you like sh*t. Pardon my French, but what are you confused about again? Divorce him! I rarely ever suggests this but once abuse has entered the relationship on top of all of his additional negative actions, the marriage is not worth salvaging to me. Because abusers, like cheaters, will continue to do what they are doing no matter what they tell you. Good luck in your decision and keep us posted.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 I rarely would say divorce, but in this instance I think you will be much better off without him. He was forced into the marriage and has made no effort in even getting to know you. He has abused you and negleted you. It will not change. Even if you get him to agree to getting a separate house, he will end up blaming you for his unhappiness. You will be his outlet for all his anger. It will not change; however, it will get worse. Relative to the cultural thing. I understand where you are coming from; however, one of my good friends, who is asian, had more going for her than her husband. Her husband cheated on her, she gave him one chance. He cheated again, she left him and started life on her own. She worked hard, but since she was smart and always succeeded at what she committed herself to do, she now has her RN degree and is working towards a higher one, making great money, owns her own house and is living her life on her own terms. She is very happy. Has her family come to accept it? It took a little while ... probably about three years before they finally accepted that she is divorced. But what they see is someone who is happy and successful. Just as marriage is seen as an important issue in your culture, so is success. Her success is what finally won her family over. You can do the same thing too, but if you stay with your husband, he will hold you down. Make the decision to be happy for yourself and succeed for yourself. Your family will eventually accept it and you will be happier in the long run. There are plenty of men out there that will not ever consider cheating on you and will give you the time, attention, love and support that you deserve, but take care of yourself first. Good luck!
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