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How much time is enough?


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Karma93

My partner and I have been together almost 6 years now. Besides us both working for ourselves we are together 24/7. We literally do everything together. Im not a clubbing/ partying type of girl. I love traveling and being around family and watching movies and anime and painting and basically anything i can diy at home. I have never celebrated my birthday but for my 30th i wanted to do something different and spend time with my family outside the house. For months now she has been harping on it claiming i dont want to spend time with her and especially now because im going on a trip with my sister (which we both were invited to) for her birthday. Because i am doing these things she insists its because i dont care about her or want to spend time with only her when that’s legit all we ever do. Am i wrong for wanting space every once in a while? 

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d0nnivain

No you are not wrong.  But do understand that your SO feels threatened by this.  Take your time but do be more reassuring to her.  If you can help her through this anxiety she will not be as upset by your time apart.  

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LoveDearIntuition

You are of course never wrong. Your truth is yours and its valid. You can have all the space as you choose. But will this make your partner feel comfortable? No. In the case of your partner getting triggered about differences between your wants, it is “wrong” to her. Her insecurities are valid. Her truth is valid too. It doesn’t make it easy for you (or her). But as long as she feels triggered and is not aware when it happens before she acts in spite of you, you are going to have this massive difference between the two of you. (I intuited this answer for you.) Six years is a long time to get to know someone, so I feel you’ve been seeing behaviors like this for a while. If not, you’re noticing it more now because you’re becoming more aware. That’s a good thing. This means you can change things that you see.  It might be time for a good chat with your partner to know how they are feeling. You can let them know how much you care. But it’s up to them how they respond. Just know that what you want is true for you. As long as you’re not hurting anyone, it’s all good for you! If it’s not for your partner, that’s up to them. I hope you two get aligned soon. Hope that resonates. All love to you.

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basil67
18 hours ago, Karma93 said:

Because i am doing these things she insists its because i dont care about her or want to spend time with only her when that’s legit all we ever do.

I suspect that the issue is that you want to be at home with your partner all the time, and yet for your birthday you will leave the house for fun stuff with your family.

I feel like you need to make an effort to get outside the house with your partner and do nice things.  When's the last time the two of you went for a weekend away?  

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MsJayne

Why isn't your partner coming on your sister's birthday trip? When was the last time you went on a trip with your partner? Being at home together is day-to-day stuff and doesn't count as quality time spent doing things together. 

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On 4/3/2024 at 12:00 AM, Karma93 said:

I love traveling

Do you travel with your girlfriend? Do you organize special outings with her, weekends away? Yes you are entitled to being who you are but when you become a couple you have to compromise, nurture your relationship, and step out of your routine once in a while. 

Sounds like your girlfriend has accumulated a lot of resentment toward you for not treat her special once in a while. You have to fix that if you don't want to see the end of your relationship. 

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smackie9

She's feeling left out...all of a sudden you want to ditch her to venture out with your sister to celebrate. So I can see why her nose is bent out of shape over this.

Edited by smackie9
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OldManThinking

Hm.  Forgive me, I'm new here and don't know all your circumstances.  I've read the responses here, but don't agree with them.  I hope you don't mind my point in my 2 cents.

Firstly, you've been together 6 years.  That's more than enough time for you to get to know her, and for her to get to know you.  Did this behavior come out of the blue, or has she always been so clingy?  Has there been trust issues in the past?

When it comes to your trip with your sister - how many people are going, and are any of the others bringing their partners?  Is they are bringing their partners, then you might be on dodgy ground here.  If not, then your partner is being unreasonable.

She says you don't want to spend time together, do you live together?  You say you're together 24/7, so I assume yes?  In which case, claims you don't spend enough time together is bizarre and signals a larger problem in your relationship, imo.  When did her insecurity start?  Was there anything in the past that triggered it?  What of her family, does she never see/talk to them?

I don't think you're doing anything wrong or antagonistic here.  I think your partner is showing insecurity.  You're six years together, so perhaps things are cooling off, or perhaps she's totally over-reacting.  I don't know, but a partnership is never about owning all the time of your partner.  Perhaps, truthfully, you DO want a tiny break from being with your partner.  If that's the case, acknowledge it in yourself, and give that some thought. 

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ShyViolet

I think it's 100% valid and justified to spend time away from your partner, to have your own life.  However, am I understanding correctly that you made plans to celebrate your birthday without your partner?  I do find that kind of weird to exclude your partner from your birthday celebration, and of course they would be upset by that.

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basil67

Looks like OP hasn't logged back in since posting the thread

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23 hours ago, OldManThinking said:

She says you don't want to spend time together, do you live together?  You say you're together 24/7, so I assume yes?  In which case, claims you don't spend enough time together is bizarre and signals a larger problem in your relationship, imo. 

There is a difference between being under the same roof 24/7 and spending time with each other. If he works 8 hr a day from his home office then plays videogames all evening then there is 0 time spent together. A lot of people experience loneliness within a relationship. A lot of couples are invisible to their partner. That type of loneliness is harder than be living alone.

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OldManThinking
27 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

There is a difference between being under the same roof 24/7 and spending time with each other. If he works 8 hr a day from his home office then plays videogames all evening then there is 0 time spent together. A lot of people experience loneliness within a relationship. A lot of couples are invisible to their partner. That type of loneliness is harder than be living alone.

True.  It is always a difficult line.  I think most all of us want to remain being ourselves, even in a marriage.  In your example, the guy has an obsession, and true, for a couple that's not good. 

On the other hand, everyone needs space.  Also, what we choose to do in that time needs to be compatible with the relationship.  So, if my wife wanted to go to a night club every week, for me that would be a problem.  On the other hand, if she was having a girls night with her friend at a home, I'd not be bothered. 

I know *I* need personal time.  Mine is listening to music. 

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