Seeing girl for 3 months hot/cold what to do

[Capybaras]

I M27 have known this girl F27 for awhile we met a few times through some mutuals and she was taken at the time but we exchanged info cause we hit it off pretty well. She recently got single a couple years later and she hit me up saying she always thought I was cute and she’d like to grab a drink sometime. I always thought she was cute too so I was pretty excited.

We go out for that drink and she ends up coming back to my place where we continue drinking and watching movies and it eventually leads to us going back to the bedroom and you can assume what happens next.

We both have responsibilities the next day so we wake up and part ways in the morning.

She ends up coming back over for another movie night with me, I order pizza and I got her favorite wine and same thing, fall into bed with each other. She says the s*x is great and I was able to satisfy her.

So I’m sure you’re wondering well what’s the problem? And honestly really nothing at all. I’m just super into this girl (always have been) so I might just be in my head but I’ve never once had a girl not text me all day after something like that. Usually I’ll hear from a girl within at least 24 hours of our last encounter and with this girl it’s so different. It’ll be days before I ever hear from her. Which isn’t really a problem but I guess it’s making me feel a bit insecure because I’ve just never had a partner I’m seeing not blowing my phone up in some sort of fashion be it on social media or texting in general.

Usually that’s my game is to show a girl a good time, show interest but be reserved and let her come to me but I’ve never experienced this much prolonged silence between interactions before 😂 so it’s like game vs game it feels like. I’m not so much trying to run game as I’m more so just trying not to be too pushy. It’s hard to know the boundaries of a fresh budding relationship because I feel like you can do too much and spook someone (goes for both parties) and do too less and end up just going separate ways.

So, I’m essentially asking how to navigate a situation where the girl is great and enthusiastic when we hangout but in between dates, it’s a lot of prolonged silence that makes me feel a bit uncomfortable if I’m being honest. What’s the appropriate approach?

[Alpacalia]

Not texting for 24 hours because supposedly it shows interest? It shows nothing, It is really silly and just a waste of time.

If she expressed to you that she likes you and the sex is good, then continue doing what you're doing and let things move along at a slower pace. You're not even official yet and you're freaking out over not talking for a few days.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Capybaras said:

. She recently got single  and she hit me up saying she always thought I was cute and she’d like to grab a drink sometime. 

It seems like she's on the rebound or still talking to or on/off with the ex.  Take your time and perhaps rather than just hooking up try asking her out for a date.  Take your time and see how it goes. Don't worry about the texting as much as how the in-person interaction is going. 

[smackie9]

Sounds like casual hookups. If you want to try and turn the tide, take her out on dates that don't require falling into bed each time. 

[flitzanu]

i'm not sure from your story if you're suggesting that you're not contacting her and waiting for her to contact you, and if that's the case that's a poor move.

if you like her, and you want to see her, text her and ask her out.  don't play this "i'm not going to initiate conversation and let her chase me" game, that's just manipulative.

[big beers]

So yeah I 27M have been seeing this girl 27F for about 3 months. I've admittedly been really bad about taking her on dates and spicing things up. I did take her out for Valentine's day and got her a gift as well. And we have an upcoming date on this coming Monday. But, past that I've just been having her over at my place.

To explain, I'm a med student and cash is extremely tight for me. Like SUPER tight. So I just try to make her have the time of her life when we hang out at my house. I'll cook for her and then we hook up and she has even expressed to me it's some of the best sex she's ever had. 

All is going well and great until about 2-3 weeks ago. She suddenly leaves abruptly after staying the night with me Friday and usually she'll spend Saturday with me as well. She told me she'd be back and then never did. So I text her and the exchange pretty much went like this:

Me: Hey is everything okay?

Her: Yeah I'm sorry I'm just in a weird head space right now.

Me: Do you want to talk about it?

Her: not really but I'll likely get drunk and tell you anyways

Me: Just shoot.

Her: Basically I'm just wondering where we're at because sometimes it feels like I just come over for a dick appointment but I'm not expecting a relationship either because I don't really care to be in one.

Side note: Now this is where I think she's asking me the "what are we" question so to speak. 

Me: well are you asking for exclusivity? Because if so, the answer is yes.

Her: I'll have to drink about it lol

So she kinda just blew me off as you can see. The conversation kind of went and derailed after that and naturally ended with nothing crazy. At this point I'm left feeling super confused and kind of upset about being shrugged off as you would think that's what she meant when someone asks "where are we at."

Well, things are still going between us but it definitely has that distance thing going on that you can just feel you know? We don't usually text all day back and forth but occasionally she'll randomly hit me up with "miss your face" and "hope you're doing well" messages. She actually scheduled off work for the date we have on Monday so naturally we talked about that.

I have some context for the distance she's been giving me so I don't want to leave that out but I confronted her about it and just said basically like hey what's up with this weird vibe I'm getting from you? She told me about how her ex has been showing up at her work, places she frequents, harassing her, just being an overall nuisance in her life. She made a big post about it on facebook as well about people being mutually friends with him and how they are welcome to leave her life. Also, she's having to find a new place to live because her lease is up and she can't afford it because he was paying half (they broke up 6 months ago in october) so she's stressed about that etc. She told me "don't take my distance as a personal sly, this is just me being sad." 

TLDR; things were going great for 6 months, she gave me the what I thought was the "what are we" talk, I said sure we can be exclusive, she blows it off, goes distant, but still hits me up with I miss yous and we have an upcoming date.

So my question to you guys is how do I properly navigate this. Really into this girl don't want to mess things up. I've been giving her plenty of space and letting her do all of the reaching out. Just could use a different perspective on things too. 

Thank you.

[Gaeta]

You started dating 3 months after her breakup. A breakup that was not so clean as he's still showing up in her life. She is still sad about the breakup and all the trouble that followed. You are most likely the rebound guy. It was good while it lasted, you distracted her, but now it's catching up to her. I would not put too much hope into this. 

Also, you don't need a ton of money to step out of your bedroom with this woman! C'mon! There are several outings you can do for free. You can have a picnic in a park, you can go hike, you can go swim, bike, catch an outdoor event. 

It's not about you messing it up. She is the one messing it up. She was not ready to go back to dating.

Edited April 2 by Gaeta

[smackie9]

Being totally deflated from the breakup, she was looking for an ego boost....someone to elevate her with attention, desire, to be worshiped. She's in a bad, insecure place emotionally. Stay away from her. 

[introverted1]

2 hours ago, big beers said:

(they broke up 6 months ago in october) 

<snip>

TLDR; things were going great for 6 months,

So you started dating her immediately after she broke up with her ex? 

 

[BreakOnThrough]

Just keep in light and DON'T have sex every time she is over.  Watch a movie, or play a game, keep her interest with some push/pull.  

[d0nnivain]

Get creative &  find free or low cost dates out of the apartment.  Go on a picnic.  Attend an art gallery opening.  Check out something on campus.  Your med school must have an undergrad campus with stuff going on.   

[Lotsgoingon]

She is still entangled with bf. And if someone is still entangled (financially in any way or through her worry about mutual friends), she's not ready to date. You are likely rebound. My guess is she left fast that one day because yes, she enjoyed sex with you and some intimacy AND most likely intimacy with you triggered old and unresolved feelings about the ex. She might be mad at him and miss him and feel jerked around by him (conflicting feelings are a norm for a lot of breakups).  

You made an understandable mistake in reading her. When someone tells you their head is in a "weird space" pay attention. Don't ignore that. Probe it. Just like when you later become a doctor, a patient tells you they have severe pain in their body. You probe. You assumed that maybe she was feeling close to you but didn't know if you felt close to her. That's not a bad reading, but in this case notice all that she says. 

I'm just wondering where we're at because sometimes it feels like I just come over for a dick appointment but I'm not expecting a relationship either because I don't really care to be in one.

Note: a "d@@@ appointment" here is from the woman's perspective. She wasn't saying you were using her for a male-initiated booty call. She's saying she was treating YOU as a sex object or outlet. I get where you thought she might want a commitment. She says she's wondering where "we're at"---confusing and opposite of what she really means. The rest of the sentence makes clear she's wondering where SHE's at.  And when you step forward ready to commit, she backs off. 

There are other red flags here or an additional red flag that appears twice.  She twice mentions drinking as part of sharing honestly with you.  She's 27. Why does she need to drink to speak her mind about an important relationship at 27? Serious emotional immaturity in this reflex of hers. If you were to date her, you would have a thousand semi-awkward, vulnerable conversations about feelings--she's gonna drink each time?

You didn't do anything wrong, but you came dangerously close to offering yourself up for being used and discarded by someone who told you she didn't want a relationship.  It can take people a year or longer to let go of a previous lover. You want to date people with ZERO current entanglements with their ex.

[ShyViolet]

You answered your own question.  You have been "really bad' about taking her on dates, all you do is invite her over to your house for sex basically.  She feels that you're not making an effort to do things with her beyond that.  Not having money is really not a reason to do nothing but invite her to your house.  There are always free things to do.  You need to make an effort.

[Gebidozo]

OP, you need to step up. She needs more care from you. She’s doubting whether all you want is just sex. She sounds defensive and sort of vulnerable. If you really like her, show her more affection, just keep taking her on whatever romantic dates you can afford, be nice and warm.

She seems to be in a transition period of sorts. Give it some time, I think she might come around and everything will be fine if you play your cards right.

She appears a bit immature, but in an endearing way. I like the way she’s talking to you, “miss your face” is cute😊

[big beers]

7 hours ago, introverted1 said:

So you started dating her immediately after she broke up with her ex? 

 

that was a typo I meant to put 3 instead of 6. They broke it off in October, and then we got together in January. He cheated on her and has put hands on her. I do not believe it's the ex interfering. 

[basil67]

Yes, I can she why she's feeling like this is nothing more than hanging out and sex, so I give another vote for getting out of the house.  There's absolutely no excuse for staying in most of the times you meet each other.  Pack a picnic, go to a gallery, get some cheap noodles for dinner

Also, if you're skint, it's not unreasonable for her to be paying her share

[MsJayne]

When you invite a woman over for dinner and sex it's likely that at some point she'll start to feel she's being used. Does she know how tight for money you are and that it's the reason you don't take her out anywhere? Being taken for granted by a new partner, (I'm not saying you are taking her for granted, just that it may be, understandably, how she's feeling due to your dating routine), is often the first sign that they'll eventually become abusive. Possibly she's making comparisons between how she was treated by her abusive ex in their early days and how things are progressing with this new relationship and she's seeing similarities. Dates don't have to be expensive or constant, and you don't have to pay for everything every time. 

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, big beers said:

 He cheated on her and has put hands on her. I do not believe it's the ex interfering. 

How long were they together?

Even when a relationship was bad and the breakup was overdue, we still need time on our own to process what happenned, make peace with it and move on. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, big beers said:

He cheated on her and has put hands on her. I do not believe it's the ex interfering. 

That doesn't mean she was ready for another relationship, though. 

It sounds like you were the rebound, and also that she doesn't really enjoy just coming over to your house to hang out and sleep together. But even if you now started gettig out more together (and there are plenty of ways to have fun without costing a dime), I don't think she has moved past her ex. 

I'm sorry. I think you can try talking to her but don't be surprised if she lets this fizzle out. 

[FredEire]

21 hours ago, big beers said:

So yeah I 27M have been seeing this girl 27F for about 3 months. I've admittedly been really bad about taking her on dates and spicing things up. I did take her out for Valentine's day and got her a gift as well. And we have an upcoming date on this coming Monday. But, past that I've just been having her over at my place.

To explain, I'm a med student and cash is extremely tight for me. Like SUPER tight. So I just try to make her have the time of her life when we hang out at my house. I'll cook for her and then we hook up and she has even expressed to me it's some of the best sex she's ever had. 

All is going well and great until about 2-3 weeks ago. She suddenly leaves abruptly after staying the night with me Friday and usually she'll spend Saturday with me as well. She told me she'd be back and then never did. So I text her and the exchange pretty much went like this:

Me: Hey is everything okay?

Her: Yeah I'm sorry I'm just in a weird head space right now.

Me: Do you want to talk about it?

Her: not really but I'll likely get drunk and tell you anyways

Me: Just shoot.

Her: Basically I'm just wondering where we're at because sometimes it feels like I just come over for a dick appointment but I'm not expecting a relationship either because I don't really care to be in one.

Side note: Now this is where I think she's asking me the "what are we" question so to speak. 

Me: well are you asking for exclusivity? Because if so, the answer is yes.

Her: I'll have to drink about it lol

So she kinda just blew me off as you can see. The conversation kind of went and derailed after that and naturally ended with nothing crazy. At this point I'm left feeling super confused and kind of upset about being shrugged off as you would think that's what she meant when someone asks "where are we at."

Well, things are still going between us but it definitely has that distance thing going on that you can just feel you know? We don't usually text all day back and forth but occasionally she'll randomly hit me up with "miss your face" and "hope you're doing well" messages. She actually scheduled off work for the date we have on Monday so naturally we talked about that.

I have some context for the distance she's been giving me so I don't want to leave that out but I confronted her about it and just said basically like hey what's up with this weird vibe I'm getting from you? She told me about how her ex has been showing up at her work, places she frequents, harassing her, just being an overall nuisance in her life. She made a big post about it on facebook as well about people being mutually friends with him and how they are welcome to leave her life. Also, she's having to find a new place to live because her lease is up and she can't afford it because he was paying half (they broke up 6 months ago in october) so she's stressed about that etc. She told me "don't take my distance as a personal sly, this is just me being sad." 

TLDR; things were going great for 6 months, she gave me the what I thought was the "what are we" talk, I said sure we can be exclusive, she blows it off, goes distant, but still hits me up with I miss yous and we have an upcoming date.

So my question to you guys is how do I properly navigate this. Really into this girl don't want to mess things up. I've been giving her plenty of space and letting her do all of the reaching out. Just could use a different perspective on things too. 

Thank you.

You open the post saying you've been bad at taking her on dates and spicing things up, but then as you go on you seem to say you're spending a lot of time together and sometimes she spends whole weekends with you.

That's a lot of time together for people who've only been dating for 3 months and aren't even in a serious relationship.

It sounds like she feels a bit suffocated by moving too fast and in addition feels pressure caused by her ex and so is creating distance.

I'd advise you to pump the brakes, ease off for a while as you are coming in to hot so she's becoming cold. Maybe stay in touch, be affectionate but don't see eachother quite so much and explain you are giving her a bit of space and will be there for her.

[Goodguy05]

On 1/10/2024 at 11:11 AM, Capybaras said:

I M27 have known this girl F27 for awhile we met a few times through some mutuals and she was taken at the time but we exchanged info cause we hit it off pretty well. She recently got single a couple years later and she hit me up saying she always thought I was cute and she’d like to grab a drink sometime. I always thought she was cute too so I was pretty excited.

We go out for that drink and she ends up coming back to my place where we continue drinking and watching movies and it eventually leads to us going back to the bedroom and you can assume what happens next.

We both have responsibilities the next day so we wake up and part ways in the morning.

She ends up coming back over for another movie night with me, I order pizza and I got her favorite wine and same thing, fall into bed with each other. She says the s*x is great and I was able to satisfy her.

So I’m sure you’re wondering well what’s the problem? And honestly really nothing at all. I’m just super into this girl (always have been) so I might just be in my head but I’ve never once had a girl not text me all day after something like that. Usually I’ll hear from a girl within at least 24 hours of our last encounter and with this girl it’s so different. It’ll be days before I ever hear from her. Which isn’t really a problem but I guess it’s making me feel a bit insecure because I’ve just never had a partner I’m seeing not blowing my phone up in some sort of fashion be it on social media or texting in general.

Usually that’s my game is to show a girl a good time, show interest but be reserved and let her come to me but I’ve never experienced this much prolonged silence between interactions before 😂 so it’s like game vs game it feels like. I’m not so much trying to run game as I’m more so just trying not to be too pushy. It’s hard to know the boundaries of a fresh budding relationship because I feel like you can do too much and spook someone (goes for both parties) and do too less and end up just going separate ways.

So, I’m essentially asking how to navigate a situation where the girl is great and enthusiastic when we hangout but in between dates, it’s a lot of prolonged silence that makes me feel a bit uncomfortable if I’m being honest. What’s the appropriate approach?

I don't think it's a good sign. If a girls interested they show it. 

[basil67]

@Capybaras and @big beers you're the same member?

So let me get this straight, you start out by having a woman come to your place for sex, and then not reach out because you expect to chase you.  And when you do hookup, you're not even bothering to leave the house.  And yet you can't understand why she feels like she's nothing more than your sex toy?   

I understand you're a med student.  You may be book smart, but it does seem that you're lacking in social smarts.   If you're interested in more than sex, you need to make an effort.  At this point, any effort will be an improvement on what you've been doing