Friend vibes :/

[Y0shi14]

Hi everyone, 

I’m new here and was hoping to get some advice before I try dating again. Brief context: I’m in my mid30s-F and I went back on the dating apps after taking 6yrs off from dating. I was single the whole time and wasn’t looking. 
Anyways, fast forward to the past 2 months and I went on 3 dates so far and 2 of the 3 told me I give off friend vibes and not romantic ones.  
Both these men I met online and we spoke for a week or 2 via text messages prior to meeting up for drinks. In both cases, our conversations were very platonic and never turned flirty or sexual. I was being respectful since I did not want them getting the wrong impression while trying to have a deeper connection. At the same time, I think they too were being respectful since they never tried flirting either. With both men, it felt like I had known them for years and there wasn’t any awkwardness during the initial meeting and the conversations flowed naturally over drinks. I think that on its own is one of the problems because I was too comfortable with them. I was able to be myself and normally that would be a positive but now i’m doubting myself and see it as a negative because I got friend zoned.
I figured it might be the lack of flirting prior that got me friend zoned so now I am wondering, what can I do moving forward not to get friend zoned by the next person I try to go on a date with?
I don’t want to give “hook-up” vibes but at the same time I do want to have that best friend kind of relationship with my partner. 
 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

The good news is you are having success meeting men and getting dates.  Try to enjoy the dates getting to know each other. It's ok not to be overly sexual and at least they're not sexting before meeting or just suggesting hookups. 

[ShyViolet]

You texted with the guys for 1-2 weeks before meeting up, and the texting never even turned flirty the whole time?  Honestly that is kind of weird.  No wonder you didn't end up having chemistry.  There needs to be at least a little bit of flirting if you expect to spark interest.  Keeping the conversations 100% platonic at all times is not "respectful", it's going to come off as boring when in the context of dating.  Do you lack the confidence to let yourself get a little flirty?  Of course I'm not suggesting you be open to crude sexual talk, which believe me there are guys out there who will want to go there.  But flirtatious conversation is a normal part of early dating.

[basil67]

I agree with @ShyViolet.   You certainly don't need to be overtly sexual, but a bit of flirting is necessary to have them see you as something other than a friend.  

You're very lucky that these guys made the effort to be honest with you.  So many people can't get dates to progress and they have no idea why - so now you know what to work on.

[FredEire]

Yes you don't have to be sending nudes obviously but you can be a bit playful and flirty in your texting rather than just dry back and forth. Often even if the man is interested in you it may come off as disinterest.

[Y0shi14]

6 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You texted with the guys for 1-2 weeks before meeting up, and the texting never even turned flirty the whole time?  Honestly that is kind of weird.  No wonder you didn't end up having chemistry.  There needs to be at least a little bit of flirting if you expect to spark interest.  Keeping the conversations 100% platonic at all times is not "respectful", it's going to come off as boring when in the context of dating.  Do you lack the confidence to let yourself get a little flirty?  Of course I'm not suggesting you be open to crude sexual talk, which believe me there are guys out there who will want to go there.  But flirtatious conversation is a normal part of early dating.

Hmm...I don’t lack confidence per say to get flirty and I guess I never thought about the convos being boring because we were talking about things that were personal like family upbringings, he spoke up past trauma etc. So I thought we were connecting on an emotional level so I didn’t think anything of it. 

Thanks for your suggestion though and I will definitely try be a little more flirty with my text messages moving forward  

[smackie9]

You can be sexy and flirty without any demeaning repercussions because you have total control of what can happen. You are the one that decides when and who you sleep with. You can choose to walk away, push back on overt aggressive come ons at any time. You are a grown ass woman..., you know when a man is being a dbag/slimy jerk and how to handle it. 

[Alpacalia]

My advice would be to continue being yourself and being authentic in your conversations and interactions. Don't try to force flirting or sexual talk if it doesn't come naturally to you. Flirting and chemistry tend to come naturally when there is a strong connection and comfort between two people.

I tend to get a tad apprehensive with certain things if he's going to take it a step beyond and then I'm like, yeash, did not see that one coming, tmi! Or, am I going to sound like a
cheese-zilla? Usually my humor is dark so they don't get it.

Usually he'll take the lead a bit initially (nothing too overt, but definitely making it clear he's interested in finding someone he has chemistry with) and if he has something going on for me then I'll respond accordingly, but till then, I tend to be a bit more reserved. 

If you're feeling playful, go for it and flirt a bit, but don't feel like you have to constantly be putting on a "flirty" persona in order to be successful in dating. 

[Y0shi14]

On 4/2/2024 at 11:16 AM, Alpacalia said:

My advice would be to continue being yourself and being authentic in your conversations and interactions. Don't try to force flirting or sexual talk if it doesn't come naturally to you. Flirting and chemistry tend to come naturally when there is a strong connection and comfort between two people.

I tend to get a tad apprehensive with certain things if he's going to take it a step beyond and then I'm like, yeash, did not see that one coming, tmi! Or, am I going to sound like a
cheese-zilla? Usually my humor is dark so they don't get it.

Usually he'll take the lead a bit initially (nothing too overt, but definitely making it clear he's interested in finding someone he has chemistry with) and if he has something going on for me then I'll respond accordingly, but till then, I tend to be a bit more reserved. 

If you're feeling playful, go for it and flirt a bit, but don't feel like you have to constantly be putting on a "flirty" persona in order to be successful in dating. 

Thank you for saying this because that is exactly what I am trying to be…my authentic self. Naturally i’m very bubbly and chatty and don’t have an issue flirting a little here and there but I have taken a step back because I find it tough trying to assess where to draw the line before it is too much. Sometimes I’ve found that if you start the flirty messages, the guy will always want to do gear the convo that way and then I get the ick. 

With this particular guy, I think because we got into heavy personal conversations and it didn’t allow the opportunity to get flirty or it just wasn’t the right moment. 

[smackie9]

just me but, I would avoid deep intimate conversations in the first stages....it can turn weird, plus you don't want to spill the beans about your very personal life thoughts and feelings to a total stranger. It's always best to keep things light happy fun and flirty...have some mystery.