Breaking NC

[LondonBoy]

Hey,

 

Sorry, I'm back again. My gf of four years left me a month ago....the gory details are at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t77098/. Last month she said that I had to give her until after Christmas for her to finally decide if we had any future. She didn't think that it was very likely. She has not contacted me in the intervening period. I've used the time very fruitfully, trying to start to solve some of the problems that caused us trouble. I've started going to the gym, to get rid of my pent up nervous energy and make me feel better about myself. I've started a course of therapy to explore my emotions and my behaviour. I'm taking steps to move out of home in the forthcoming months (see the original post for more details).

 

However, I am finding this period of no contact absolutely horrific. It is hurting me so much. I must say that the fact that she has not called does not fill me with optimism. But I would like to tell her about my thought processes and tell her about how I'm trying to improve things...and I said that I would call her after Christmas. My question is now - is it worth bothering with? Should I just leave it until she calls (if ever)? We have some practical issues that need sorting out - we have some of each others' stuff, she owes me money, etc. I have absolutely no intention of getting down on my knees and begging her - if she doesn't want to be with me, then the feeling is mutual.

 

All responses much appreciated...

 

LondonBoy

[Xillr8ng]

wife of 12 years married left 4 months ago....served her div. papers 3 weeks ago.still not heard from her.someone posted this from a site...it helped You can feel them pulling away. You can see it. They may have even said it straight out, "I'm leaving you." Often this sets off a number of emotional alarm clocks at their highest volume and intensity. Few times in life is it easier to panic. Few times in life is it more important you don't.

 

It feels like a disaster doesn't it? Well you've watched disaster movies. You know how it goes. The ones who panic die off early in the movie. They are small part actors and you never remember their names. The one's who keep their heads in the crisis tend to walk out of the flaming building with the other most attractive character on their arm. If you want to win them back you must make a decision now to either panic and most likely lose your goal before you get close to it or to get in your brain, utilize your anxiety, depression, anger, and loneliness. And while you're at it don't forget to utilize rather than suffer all that pain you've been given.

 

Chances are you're getting a lot of conflicting advice from folks. It all boils down to fish or cut bait. The advice I give to win a love back starts with the same advice as for letting go.

 

Let go.

 

Romance, love, sex, it's always a dance. It's all back and forward, back and forward. When your love pulls back, then back again and you are still moving forward, it's no longer a dance, it's a chase. And what do people do when we chase after their affection? They run.

 

I imagine your love is prepared for the chase to continue, and if I'm right it makes them feel guilty. How often does guilt buy love and attraction? Not often. I've never seen it. Have you?

 

If anything will work at all it is to let go. Not let go and sit home and suffer, but let go and go have a blast every day. This may sound impossible. But if your love is strong enough, if your goal of winning them back is compelling enough; you can do anything you have to do. Letting go and having a blast strengthens your position several ways.

 

It surprises them. They have taken your suffering for granted. They assume it. That's the person they're dumping. Who the hell is this person having so much fun? Curiosity is compelling. You get happy and relaxed with this and it hits them like a bucket of cold water that they don't know you quite as well as they thought they did.

We're all sexier and more attractive when we're having a blast than when we're depressed. It's far more compelling than making them responsible for our happiness.

When they see beyond a shadow of a doubt you're no longer chasing after their affection they can quit running and make their decision based on what they want instead of the chase they're running from.

We often take each other for granted. Part of the reason you've stopped taking them for granted right now is they've pulled back. The water in the well really is running dry. If your love will come back it will be after "they" realize all that's missing from life without you. They can't know what that is till you've pulled back as well.

Impatience is your enemy. It compells you to take action out of fear and we know that causes more mistakes and bigger mistakes. Generally impatience cannot be just pressed down, it creeps out and peeps out when you least expect it. Impatience is just that little voice inside your head that tells you, you can't be happy until you know your love is glad to be back. There's only one thing that really squashes impatience - making yourself go have so much fun every day that your brain has to go, "well, duuuuh, guess I can be happy right now and continue taking strategic actions towards my goal." A former Boss of mine had a standard rule for submitting loan applications, "Don't hurry up to get a turn down." If it's important, you must focus more on getting it right than doing it in a hurry.

 

I promise you , you're far more likely to win them back the more you enjoy this process and the less you suffer it. If you think that's impossible, think again. The most successful people on earth choose to enjoy challenges rather than be swamped by them. You must only make a decision now whether or not this goal is important enough for you to use your head or unimportant enough for you to allow your compulsions to defeat you. It's up to you.

 

I've seen this advice bring couples back together after restraining orders have been issued and clients have been arrested for breaking them. I don't guarantee it to work everytime and it works better than anything else. And if it doesn't work to win them back, in the process you've been strengthened and prepared to let go for good far more comfortably than you are right now.

 

Your fear is that if you let go you'll lose them. In fact you're more likely to lose them if you don't.

 

By the way I know taking this advice is a lot more challenging than giving it because I've done both.

 

Whoever you are, my prayer and my faith are with you. This is a helluva a "bump" on life's road, but you're stronger than you realize and you will be alright. If it's terribly important to you and you really work at this recipe you'll do quite a bit better than alright.

 

I was talking to a girl the other day that was following a recipe for grief. Her rule was that she was not promiscuious. It's a good rule. She felt like a relationship really had to be serious before she put out. Only under the influence of starry nights and a glass of something bubbly she'd put out and then decide it must be serious, this must be the one since she did in fact put out. This now caused her to treat the poor guy like "hey, we're destiny" and he would run from her speed and consequently her relationships were ending in disaster before they ever started. I suggested she change her rule. I suggested her new rule be that if she really liked and respected the guy and visa versa; if there was chemistry and they were safe.... then it was okay to have sex without this having to be "her soulmate." Either that or cut out mixing starry nights, bubbly and attractive men.

 

Many will disagree and yet she seems far, far happier for the change.

 

For some there is the added problem of your love thinking they're in love with someone else. That's about as hard a romantic bump in life as there is. You hate your rival. And yet, many times I've seen the other person be the key that puts your relationship back together. HOW??? Simple, while you've got alarm clocks going off like crazy the one you love is in the flush of infatuation. Infatuation is not love. Looks like it, feels like it, but it isn't love. Love is when you look at someone and say "I know all their faults and even if they never change a thing - I love them enough to stay." A person who's infatuated isn't qualified to make that statement. Not that it stops them or stops them from believing it. It's just good to know.

 

When you utilize your alarm clocks and make yourself have so much fun you can be patient.... now they have time alone with the new Mr. or Miss wonderful. Infatuation moves into the stage of disillusionment. They wonder what they saw in the new one in the first place. If at the same time they see you're not chasing them they can far more easily find themselves thinking "Why the new one isn't as good as the other one, am I being an idiot here or what?"

 

One girl told me, "But I can't have fun while I'm picturing them together!" Good point. Quit picturing things that hurt. Have three things you love to think about and three things you love to do in mind and handy at all times. When the picture starts, treat it like an alarm clock telling you to "Right now this very minute, think and do something else fun!" The first few times will be a little difficult, after that it's easier.

 

Finally, last but not least ask yourself these hard questions. Do I really love this person? Really? Do I love them enough to let them go? Do I love them enough to let go and have fun today and tomorrow and the days after that? Or is my love so selfish that I can only be happy if they're here serving my emotional needs no matter how much they may not want to right now?

 

Feeling like you're losing someone you love can be rough. It demands hard questions be answered. Serious decisions must be made. You're stronger than you realize. You can do whatever you need do to make your life healthier and happier if you choose to. Give it some thought, time and prayer and then choose.

[bluechocolate]

We have some practical issues that need sorting out - we have some of each others' stuff, she owes me money, etc.

 

Sort the practical stuff out by sending her a letter which deals only with those practicalities, nothing more.

 

----------------

 

Xillr8ng - that's a good post, which I've read off of a website & which you have not quoted. Unless you're the author that is bad form, possibly illegal & from my understanding, not allowed here.

 

here's the link:

 

http://www.lollie.com/romance6.html

[notmakingsense]

Excellent post Xillr8ng -- thank you. Nice summary for what I believe is the best advice to be had on these forums. Move on. Of course, I'm having problems following that advice -- but reading and re-reading these forums is helping me a lot.

[Xillr8ng]

"someone posted this from a site.".....BLUE....Did you not read that part of my post?....Thank you for the reminder but I wasnt taking credit for it .

[bluechocolate]

"someone posted this from a site.".....BLUE....Did you not read that part of my post?....Thank you for the reminder but I wasnt taking credit for it .

 

All I can say is read the Community Guidelines for this website.

 

My apologies if I've offended you in some way.

 

[gfto]

I remember your original post a while back. Stick with no contact. Calling her and telling her how you feel is tantamount to begging, at least in her mind. When a girl dumps you, just smile and walk out. You don't tell her how you feel. You don't give her your game plan. Sure, she might throw some false hope at you, but it's over. She already knows that you're still crazy about her. There's no point in reminding her. If you contact her for any reason, you're just stroking her ego.

[Xillr8ng]

no offense taken...have a good evening:)