synthia Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 I've been with my boyfriend for almost seven months. My shortest relationship to date. I've been divorced twice, got to the point where I just didn't even want to think about marriage, and I haven't for a really long time. I've known my bf for 3 years. We've been friends. We started dating 7 months ago, and it has been amazing. I love him so much. I've actually caught myself thinking about marriage, which is kind of scary. A little about him. His longest relation has been 11 months. I've been told, from his own mouth and others, that he has always gotten scared and run away. He is apparently afraid of making the wrong decision, because he says he has always made the wrong decisions. But he has been very committed to me, and from what I've been told, from people who have known him alot longer than I have, that he's never been happier, and that he's never seemed so in love. Things have been strained over the past month because of our busy holiday work schedules. But I had no indication anything was wrong until last night. Our discussion progressed, and we continued it this morning. He has told me that he loves me very much, he isn't sure if he is in love with me, not even sure what the difference is, and he doesn't know if he should break it off so that I'm not hurt later on, or try. But he doesn't want me to go, and he doesn't want to lose me. I'm very scared he is going to run. I don't know what to say, or if this is a point in all of his relationships where he gets ready to step deeper into it, and turns tail and runs. But he said he wants to play it by ear. What do I do? What do I say? I don't want to push him, but I also don't want to stand by idly and watch him get scared off again. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Walk Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Listen, this is something you have no control over and it's not something you can "fix" in him. You'll end up beating yourself in the head the entire time and scaring him off even quicker in the mean time. I've dated a few commitment phobia, intimiate phobic, men in the past. I know the one thing that works is to let go at that point. I don't mean be less attentive, or act cold or distant, but understand that you can't hold him there. The harder you try to force him to stay, the further away you'll push him. So let him go. Relax. Enjoy the time you spend together, don't make him decide this very minute, or in the next 5 minutes, that he wants you in his life forever. It's his decision, his issues, he has to work through them. Be supportive, loving, and caring... but don't let your insecurities sabatoge your relationship. 7 months isn't very long. It's natural for a person to start questioning a relationship at some point. Even for a person who is deeply in love. I've done it before too.... and wondered what love is, whether it was the real deal, or if I just cared for the person a lot. Whether I was sure this was a relationship that had true potential, or if I was wasting both our times. It's normal. Give him some space/time to sort this out. Meaning, don't push him for answers, don't bring up your insecurities about how he's feeling, don't go over board and attempt to show him "your the one". You've either proven yourself at this point, or you haven't, a full frontal assualt to force his opinion in your favor will only backfire. Continue to enjoy the time the two of you have together, without making it pressured. He won't feel trapped, or scared, if he feels he can talk to you about his concerns without you getting upset or defensive. Give him a safe, and accepting, outlet to voice his fears and concerns. The stronger you are (more secure in yourself) the more he will begin to believe in the relationship too. But if your insecure, and make him feel as though he's causing you harm by talking about it, he's probably going to close off, and leave. My bf hadn't been in a seriously committed relationship in over 10 years. He'd never lived with a girl, or had one live with him in that time period. He always kept his own apartment, own bills, seperate money. He basically drew a line in the sand that he wouldn't cross. Until I came along. I don't force him to do anything. I express my wishes once. If he feels comfortable with whatever it is, then he does it. If not, then I drop the issue. (Assuming it's not a core value of mine) He feels safe in expressing concerns or fears with me. (for the most part) He knows that I try really hard to understand, and at the very least I will listen and attempt to help him sort through his thoughts on what he really wants. This same guy that at one point said he would NEVER live with, or share bills with, another girl again asked me to move in with him a year and a half ago. He's made a promise (and followed through) to support me through college for the next 4 years. Making a commitment to be with me, and to make this relationship work. Something he'd never done with another woman. He wouldn't even plan a week in advance before me, now he's planning years. Just be supportive, and understanding. Let him vent, talk, whine, work through his thoughts and frustrations. With the understanding that it may not work out in your favor, but you'll know you weren't the one who caused those fears in him. You can't fix him, but you can be supportive, and accepting of how he is feeling. And give him an outlet to express them in, instead of making him feel he alone, and wrong. 1
Lifestream Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 I think this is his mechanism to not have to deal with reality. Good post walk, I really can't add anything more.
Author synthia Posted December 28, 2005 Author Posted December 28, 2005 Wow. thank you walk. This is going to be difficult. But I'm going to give it my best to just be supportive. I cried when we had our conversation, and he said he expected that. I did my best at the time to control my reaction, but of course, tears did come. After the initial shock of it, because it did sort of come out of the blue,now that i've had time to calm down and relax, and read your post, I'm going to follow your advice. This is just a new relationship realm for me, and I'm kind of winging it as I go. I want to be smart and not pushy, I want to stay in the relationship, of course, but I know I can't force it. I'm going to do my best to handle it as it comes along, and be supportive in his decisions. that's all I can do. Thank you again.
Author synthia Posted December 28, 2005 Author Posted December 28, 2005 One more thing. I had an issue with the whole Loving someone alot and being in love thing. When we had the conversation he said he wasn't sure if he was in love with me, wasn't sure what the difference was, but he knew he loved me alot. I couldn't tell him the difference. I actually went online to get opinions. those opinions helped me, and I know the definition of the two are open to interpretation, everyone has something different to say, but I can't exactly say "hey read this" to him, and put it in front of him to help "clarify" things, especially something like this. That would be a wee bit pushy. I don't actually want to bring up the subject for a little while, but, any advice on this whole love and in love difference? Wow, that was really convoluted. Sorry if it's confusing.
Walk Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 I don't actually want to bring up the subject for a little while, but, any advice on this whole love and in love difference? Wow, that was really convoluted. Sorry if it's confusing. I'd be interested in reading what the difference is. As far as bringing up the subject... personally I'd be hesitant. It's really something each person has to tackle. At least in my experience. I've hit that wall a few times in my past. The last two times I struggled with it, it took me a while to figure it out, and I don't think other people's opinions would've helped me. It's more of a quesiton of defining how you specifically view love, and what love means to you. Not anyone else. Only you. I think it's a lot like figuring out the meaning of life. No one else can tell you what it is. Each person must find it on their own. If he asks, or seems to want help, then use what you've learned to help guide him toward his own answers. Phrase it into questions that hopefully he'll be able to answer, or at least think on. How do you know if your "in love", or if it's just feel lovingly for him?
Author synthia Posted March 6, 2006 Author Posted March 6, 2006 Just an update. We broke up. But he is confusing the heck out of me. I posted about it under breaking up. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t83558/ Walk, I'd really like your opinion on this. You gave great advice last time.
Recommended Posts