Lishy Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Hi guys I have a question that is irking me. I read all the stuff on here about coping after a breakup - Most of the emotions you guys have felt after a relationship that lasted a few years is so very similar to how I feel at times. The difference is that my 'relationship' was not a relationship at all - It was a casual sex situation but my feelings became too strong and I started obsessing over him and wanting much more than we had. My question is this ...... How could I come out of a 14 year relationship without any of these feelings (all I felt was relief and a bit scared of being alone) but with this guy I was seeing for 6 months (very casually, about once a fortnight) I have felt all of the heartache and pain? When he came around he always stayed the night, he cuddled me all night, told me virtually everything that has happened in his life and I felt so close to him. Then I wouldnt see him for another 2 weeks. None of us have actually SAID that we wont be seeing each other anymore so I don't feel that definate closure. I have decided in my own mind that I wont be contacting him anymore as I know I will just end up hurt. My rational mind tells me that I must forget him and move on, but that can be hard at times when I miss him somuch and just want to see him 'one more time' Do I just miss the cuddles? Do I just want what I cant have? I know I could easily meet a new man, guys ask me for my number alot and I dont have trouble meeting new people but I want HIM! I feel like my feelings cant possibly be real as I didnt even go out for dinner with this guy. I guess I am just confused with my own feelings. I sometimes think that he MUST miss me, he MUST think about me, he MUST call me at some point. But the truth is that he probably doesn't even think about me any more except maybe when he is driving past my house. Have any of you guys felt like this over a casual relationship?
FireReady Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 I think that even though you thought that it was only a casual thing, your feelings betrayed you and you formed the same feelings as when you have a relationship. Which is usually normal in situations of friends with benefits. You need to disconnect all contact from him, because if he's not reciprocating, you're only going to lose yourself again in it so best to walk away when you still get a chance to move on and get over the feelings. And one venue you might enjoy is girlstalkaboutitall, it will bring a smile to your face.
Author Lishy Posted December 28, 2005 Author Posted December 28, 2005 That is what I am doing - I didn't even call to say have a nice christmas. I have made the decision not to contact him any more but I still feel I need to validate these feelings I have. To be honest I feel a bit dumb to allow myself to get so hung up on a guy I wasnt even officially dating.
slubberdegullion Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Certainly, your feelings are real. The knot in the belly, the yearning for his touch or even his voice on the phone, the want of him snuggled up to you in bed, all those are absolutely real. There can be no doubt about that. But the reality that the feelings are based upon may not actually be "reality." Wanting the physical contact without the emotional connection can be a fine line to tread. Clearly, you got emotionally involved, which is why this is bugging you so much. You weren't so involved as your marriage ended, probably because you had emotionally "checked out" long before that. But that's all fluff. The point is that you have a right to feel these feelings, and it's perfectly sensible to honour them. But I would encourage you to put some sort of time-line on them; for instance, "I'll feel lousy like this until noon, then I'm through with it for the day. Tomorrow, I'll do the same." Now, while it sounds so clinical and rather cold, I can tell you from personal experience that it actually seems to help, by honouring and respecting the feelings, but not letting them get in the way of the rest of your life. And don't feel dumb because you fell for him. You're not dumb, you're just an emotional being, and that's good, not bad.
alphamale Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 I know I could easily meet a new man, guys ask me for my number alot and I dont have trouble meeting new people but I want HIM! this whole thing just reinforces my beliefs that women need to be treated indifferently to fall in love with a man. I have experienced it too many times in real life and your situation just documents it. Face it, you are in love with him because you cannot have him. Law of supply and demand.....when supply goes down the demand goes up.
riobikini Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Alpha...it's not the 'I-want-what-I can't-have' thing....it's the 'reciprocating-emotion' thing, -something most people expect if you are intimate and are sharing, i.e. a bed, body fluids, and exchanging personal information about each other's lives. And you keep doing it over a long period. -Rio P.S. Lishy, I understand perfectly.
alphamale Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Alpha...it's not the 'I-want-what-I can't-have' thing bullkrap it's not!
Author Lishy Posted December 28, 2005 Author Posted December 28, 2005 I have to say that i am 50/50 on wether I want him because I can't have him. I am not a flakey as a rule but I must say that my interest in him did go up when his interest in me lessoned. I now have another sort of problem. A guy who is just my 'friend' has asked me to go out on Friday night. I know he wants more but is also not pinning his hopes on it so I would not be breaking his heart. He is a nice and reliable kind of guy who would treat me well BUT I just dont have any connection with him sexually. He would probably be the ideal man for me if I could forge some sort of connection with him. He calls me and texts me all the time and is thoughtful so why the hell dont I fancy him? Why waste my thought energy on a man who doesn't even call me? Surely I am not that shallow? Help!!
riobikini Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Alpha, I do not wish to change YOUR mind, (I do not have that power), -but I DO wish to validate Lishy's emotions due to MY OWN PERSONAL experience with the same issue. I agree with you only on the periphery of what you have suggested, that with some twisted relationships, wanting what you CAN'T have is presented. But I believe that is an element of childish game-playing. There IS an aspect of WANTING what is GONE or yet UNDEVELOPED that is a normal sequence of emotion but is considered more of a LONGING than a component of GAME-PLAYING. -Rio
notmakingsense Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 I was in a similar situation -- but reversed. What started as a FWB situation moved into something more -- largely because I (the guy) pushed things forward, while she was the one who was hesitant and commitment phobic. Every time I backed off, she reached out to me. This went on-and-off for 2 years until things have finally started to disintigrate because I'm fed up with the lack of connection. In one way, Alpha is right -- the harder to get I became, the more she'd reach out to me. Except -- I'm not so sure Women are any different from Men in this regard
alphamale Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 He is a nice and reliable kind of guy who would treat me well BUT I just dont have any connection with him sexually. He calls me and texts me all the time and is thoughtful so why the hell dont I fancy him? you already answered your question, see 1st quote above in bold. Surely I am not that shallow? accept and embrace your shallowness LISHY....its the only way. oh yeah and any of you guys out there thinking you'll get and keep females by being nice, considerate and reliable. think again...
Moai Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Alphamale speaks the truth. I have had it shown to me over and over in my life, the girls I could care less about want me and stalk me, the ones that I want just want me as a friend.
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 My question is this ...... How could I come out of a 14 year relationship without any of these feelings (all I felt was relief and a bit scared of being alone) but with this guy I was seeing for 6 months (very casually, about once a fortnight) I have felt all of the heartache and pain? The 14 year relationship could have gone stale, your emotions weren't felt so deep. The other guy brought out ALOT of intense feelings in you, and that is what you miss. Those feelings he brought out in you. You wore your heart on the sleeve with him.
riobikini Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Lishy, I don't mean to hijack your post. Alpha, go to my thread 'Questions For Guys'...and read my last post. I just dumped my lovely doctor who had played this vague, elusive, and childish 'catch me if you can' game. It's a 'time-waster'. I simply refused to play it. -Rio
Author Lishy Posted December 28, 2005 Author Posted December 28, 2005 This is so true NMS .... When I stop calling he drives past my house beeping his horn shouting up hi and when he does this I feel in control and I dont feel so bad - When he stops driving past I think about him more. I dont like to admit this as it makes me sound like an egomaniac and I really am not like that at all. I do seriously like this guy and the connection we have is unbelievable. I dont get a connection like I did from the forst time I set eyes on this guy.
notmakingsense Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 This is so true NMS .... When I stop calling he drives past my house beeping his horn shouting up hi and when he does this I feel in control and I dont feel so bad - When he stops driving past I think about him more. I dont like to admit this as it makes me sound like an egomaniac and I really am not like that at all. I do seriously like this guy and the connection we have is unbelievable. I dont get a connection like I did from the forst time I set eyes on this guy. All I know now is that I will never do the FWB thing again. Someone always gets hurt because someone always develops stronger feelings over time. If the stronger feelings aren't happening on both sides, then the best thing to do is cut it off as early as possible. If the other person comes around, you have to be clear about what you really want in the relationship if there is any chance at developing things further. I feel exactly the same way as you do about my last gf -- I just can't get her out of my mind -- and everywhere I look, all I do is rule women out because I don't feel the same electricity. I think that all this means is that I haven't really moved on yet -- so I think I just need to forget about dating in general for a while...
Author Lishy Posted December 28, 2005 Author Posted December 28, 2005 I agree NMS. I know deep in my heart that I am not that shallow but I feel at times that I should not be having all of these feelings for a guy who didnt even take me out on a date. I just wish I could press a button and wipe this guy out of my hard drive. He isn't worth it and although I know this I still can't stop thinking about him. I do the ruling out thing too and I compare every guy I talk to to him and I wish I didn't. I will never have a FWB again either ..... NEVER!
Gomen Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 My question is this ...... How could I come out of a 14 year relationship without any of these feelings (all I felt was relief and a bit scared of being alone) but with this guy I was seeing for 6 months (very casually, about once a fortnight) I have felt all of the heartache and pain? Do I just miss the cuddles? Do I just want what I cant have? If you find another one to be close to, and the feeling goes away, then the answer is YES. Otherwise, the answer is still unknown (could be the guy you were with was very attentive and fulfilled your needs well). Have any of you guys felt like this over a casual relationship? Yes! I'm right where you are now. Fell for a really bad girl. Became obsessed with her. Thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world. Would not think of any other girls, only her. Crazy about her, not sleeping when not with her, not sleeping when with her. Just absolutely crazy for the girl. I'm by no means unable to get other girls. In fact, I quit having sex and persuing other girls because I didn't want it. I couldn't even have sex and felt sick around my wife. (yeah HATE me for being a male SLUT, OK???) Anyway, it is much more common for girls to get attached after sex than guys. So you're normal. I'm weird. Actually, I've been told that there's some bonding hormone or neurotransmitter that is released when you cum and when you give birth. I feel like my feelings cant possibly be real as I didnt even go out for dinner with this guy. Dinner doesn't mean ****. However, it's normal to want to do non-sexual things with the one you're into.
Author Lishy Posted December 28, 2005 Author Posted December 28, 2005 Lishy, I don't mean to hijack your post. Alpha, go to my thread 'Questions For Guys'...and read my last post. I just dumped my lovely doctor who had played this vague, elusive, and childish 'catch me if you can' game. It's a 'time-waster'. I simply refused to play it. -Rio Rio I don't mind anyone hijacking my post, we are all here to talk about situations and feelings and we all help each other and share different view points. I have read all of your posts and I find you admirable and also in a similar situation to me. The wuestions you asked the guys on your last post was questions I wanted answering too. I cant help but wonder how a guy could make you feel so special and cuddle you and talk to you so intimately if they had no feelings for you. To me that would be impossible. I could not pretend to have feelings for 6 months, maybe an hour but not 6 months. And I certainly would not want to spend the night with someone I just wanted sex with - It would be sex, a cuppa and goodbye till next time! So you hijack all you like my dear - Alpha has a great input on this site (albeit controversial) he tells it like it is from a playa's angle, which we all need to hear but mostly disagree with. He is indespensible
notmakingsense Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 I agree NMS. I know deep in my heart that I am not that shallow but I feel at times that I should not be having all of these feelings for a guy who didnt even take me out on a date. I just wish I could press a button and wipe this guy out of my hard drive. He isn't worth it and although I know this I still can't stop thinking about him. I do the ruling out thing too and I compare every guy I talk to to him and I wish I didn't. I will never have a FWB again either ..... NEVER! The way you feel is totally understandable. The bonding that takes place during intimacy is very strong -- especially for women (so I'm told), and apparently -- for me too It hurts so much because it is just incomprehensable to us that this other person isn't beginning to feel the same way we do. My situation was a little different, because we did go out on dates -- but all during those 2 years -- she kept me at a distance -- never getting to know her kids, and her friends -- I was always on the periphery. I spent such a long time being frustrated, yet denying what I needed to do (cut it off). I eventually did cut it off -- and sure enough, she came back to me. This rollercoaster went back-and-forth for a while, until the last breakup is now sticking... Don't make the same mistake I did if he does come back around. Don't let the ups and down continue -- this (I believe) is more painful than just cutting the cord and moving on. Months from now, I am hoping that my heart will finally be at piece again.
Gomen Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 accept and embrace your shallowness LISHY....its the only way. LOL! .
Author Lishy Posted December 28, 2005 Author Posted December 28, 2005 Oh I won't be going back to FWB with him. I don't think he will get in touch with me, I do think he is a nice guy and wouldnt intentionally hurt me. Now he knows how I feel I am sure he will let me be. I have not been going out on my balcony lately so I wont see him drive past and start all of the feelings up again. It's normally when I see him that i start thinking and dreaming about him all the time. I am sure that is why he drives past. Deep down he wants his benefits back .... But not with this chick! No more free meals for him lol I am going out with Mr Nice this Friday. Let's see how that goes.
riobikini Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Mr. Nice guy probably won't be anything but the 'pallative' treatment...but I'm going to do the same thing (and more) in New Orleans this weekend. Can't blame you, Lishy...you (I) do whatever has to be done in order to kill off the feelings. I'm damn serious about that. Whoever's packing the strongest testosterone in New Orleans...look out! It's not for everybody...but it's what works for me. -Rio
Author Lishy Posted December 28, 2005 Author Posted December 28, 2005 Yeah Girlfriend lets go and wash these men right out of our hair!!!!!!!!!!! Ps .... New Orleans watch out for Hurrican Rio lol
riobikini Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Lishy...first good laugh I've had reading your 'Go Girl!' attitude, since I broke through the wall of denial. Thank you. And enjoy Mr. Nice Guy. We are not without options, my friend. (SMILE!) -Rio
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