VSgirl Posted March 23 Share Posted March 23 Let me preface this by saying that I have posted on this forum before, but years ago. Here is some background information: My boyfriend and I are both in our thirties and live together. We have been together for 3 years. I have made it very clear from the beginning what I want/need in a relationship (want marriage, a family etc. and being in my late thirties, crunched a little on time). He has assured me that this is what he wants too and he wants a life and a future with me. Also, I’ll mention this because I do think it impacts things: I am a full time teacher and he has not worked for two years (wanted to switch jobs, but hasn’t been able to find what he wants/having a hard time with the career switch). I feel like I have been supportive of his situation and he is still able to pay for his half of things because of money he has saved so I don’t know how much I can really say. I feel like this situation has changed his behavior and how he treats me, We have gone through good and bad in this relationship but I thought things were getting better. We moved to a larger apartment to have more space which I thought was helping. I also thought we were resolving conflict better. Then last night happened and I feel frustrated, hurt, and confused. I am on spring break (much needed as a new teacher). The break had been going well, we celebrated our 3rd anniversary earlier in the week and I went to spend time with family for an event. My bf acted sweet, wanting to spend time cuddling and holding me the morning before I went. I thought everything was good. When I was with my family, he answered my calls but never texted or called me first, which isn’t alarming but unusual since he usually always checks in. I thought maybe he just needed a day or two to himself. We had no conflict over the phone.I came home last night a little later than planned but communicated to him when I was coming. It was 830 and I just wanted to eat my dinner and relax by watching some tv after a 45 minute drive. I wanted to watch the bachelor since I had been trying to watch the episode all week. Little did I know what chaos would ensue. I know my boyfriend hates most reality tv and while I invite him to watch it sometimes/sit with me to watch it together, he is in no way forced, frequently leaves the room or does other things. We have two tvs so I am not keeping him from watching his own stuff. He threw what I would describe as a fit, initially acting like he was okay with watching it (reluctantly) and then saying he wasn’t. I said fine, why don’t we watch in separate rooms and watch the ghostbuster movie we’ve been planning to watch after. He complained that he didnt want to watch a movie in the “middle of the night” (the time would have been around 1030 I guess that’s now the middle of the night) and that he wanted to go to bed by 11 even though it was a friday night. Keep in mind, he regularly stays up until 12,1 etc, but will sometimes blame me for us being up “too late” since I am a bit of a night owl. If you choose to stay up with me watching a sporting event or movie that you want to see I dont see how that is my fault. Unfortunately this isnt the first time we have fought over tv. He complains about me always picking shows to watch and I have offered compromises (watch on separate tvs, take turns picking shows or movies each night etc) and he still b****es. We do have stuff we like to watch together like our sports team, certain movies etc. I feel this is a completely stupid thing to be fighting about but in the case of last night he picked a fight again and took things way too far. I went to the bedroom to change into my pjs and he was in there still huffy with his dinner turning on a movie. I basically said what is your problem? We were fine before I left, in fact you acted like you did not want me to leave. What gives? Are you cheating on me or something? (Yes, I realize this was out of line and I don’t believe that he is, but I just was fed up and this was ridiculous. The context was why are you acting so erratic) He responded by saying No but I wish I did cheat. I said where the f did that come from? Why are you acting like such an a$$? He said shut the f up. I said no, you disrupted my night and came at me for no reason. He left and went out to his car (which he has done more than once but hasnt done in several months) and I did not see it in the parking lot. Proceeded to stay there and not answer my texts for 4 hours which just basically said this is messed up I dont understand why this is happening, Can you come inside and talk, etc. All he sent was one text about nobody gets to have an opinion other than you (referring to me). He comes in after 3am and I am still awake and upset. I asked where he was, said he was out in his car. I said we need to talk about this tomorrow. This is not okay and I dont want to live my life like this. He said okay i guess we will talk tomorrow. Basically showed no remorse. Several minutes later, I get in bed and turn on my show that I never got to watch thinking he is asleep since he is turned over and not moving. After a couple minutes of watching he says turn this show off or I am not going to stay here. I essentially said wtf I thought you were asleep and you arent watching, I am just trying to relax and get some sleep. Also you are not my dad. He said yeah I know your dad died years ago and no one has told you the word “no” since. I told him it was completely f***ed up to bring up my dad like that and that no parent controls what their adult children watch and to drop it. That this was psycho and controlling. I turned on a different show and he went to sleep. All of this messed up my night, potentially my day today as I have had very little sleep and my friend called about a car issue at 9 and I havent been able to get back to sleep. He is still sleeping but I need to have a conversation with him and need to make a decision about the relationship. I’ve invested a lot in this but need to find out what is really going on. I was wondering if anyone can offer advice or suggestions of what to say or ask him to find out the truth or what can be done about the relationship moving forward. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 23 Share Posted March 23 Sorry this is happening. Please reconsider the relationship. It's becoming quite toxic. Ask him to move out. He doesn't want what you want so he's just taking up space. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted March 23 Share Posted March 23 Agree. Rather than partners you are becoming enemies and constantly butting heads. This isn't what you want from a relationship 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 23 Share Posted March 23 Both of you are behaving badly. Yes, I get that he's being rude but you've got some attitude going on too. Anyway, the important part of this equation is that you want babies....however, babies should not be brought into such a toxic environment. I would suggest that you move on or don't have babies. You have some big decisions to make 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted March 24 Share Posted March 24 4 hours ago, VSgirl said: All he sent was one text about nobody gets to have an opinion other than you (referring to me). I suspect he may have a whole lot of resentment stored up. This is what someone would say if they were feeling unheard in the relationship and like the other person had to have their own way too frequently. It kinda sounds like he's fallen out of love and doesn't have a very high opinion of you, so maybe he needs to admit that openly and rethink whether he wants a future together. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted March 24 Share Posted March 24 He obviously has very very little respect for you or the relationship you share with him. No man should ever tell a woman to STFU especially someone he is possibly going to marry and start a family with. He has issues without question. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted March 24 Share Posted March 24 Sorry this is happening to you. Your boyfriend is having psychological problems. Something is eating at him, he tries to hold it in, but it suddenly bursts out in the shape of such psychotic fits as the one you’ve described. I dare say he doesn’t understand himself what’s happening in his soul. He is clearly looking for lame excuses to justify his crazy behavior to himself, but deep inside he’s probably panicking. My guess is that he is actually feeling inadequate, useless. Being jobless is something that can be very hard and incredibly frustrating for a man. We convince ourselves that our women will love us no matter what, even if we are completely broke and penniless, but most men I know (myself included) have that “I must provide for my family” thing wired into them, and become horribly stressed when they can’t do that. Another theory is that he is stressed out because your biological clock is ticking, while he might not yet be ready to get married and have kids. Whatever the case might be, it most certainly goes way beyond fighting over an idiotic reason such as who gets to watch which TV show. He needs to understand what’s eating at him, be open about that, and start working on himself. I think couple therapy would be a really good start here. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 24 Share Posted March 24 9 hours ago, basil67 said: Both of you are behaving badly. Yes, I get that he's being rude but you've got some attitude going on too Yes, I was going to say the same thing. He's been a jerk about things, no doubt, but OP, you aren't exactly innocent either. 13 hours ago, VSgirl said: I basically said what is your problem? We were fine before I left, in fact you acted like you did not want me to leave. What gives? Are you cheating on me or something? Girl. Really? 13 hours ago, VSgirl said: He complained that he didnt want to watch a movie in the “middle of the night” (the time would have been around 1030 I guess that’s now the middle of the night) I woudn't want to start a movie at 10:30 pm either, frankly. 13 hours ago, VSgirl said: I get in bed and turn on my show that I never got to watch thinking he is asleep since he is turned over and not moving. I would also find this rude of you, to be honest. If I am trying to sleep and someone comes in and turns on the TV, I would not be pleased. Even if you had earphones in, for example, it would still wake up me. 13 hours ago, VSgirl said: He responded by saying No but I wish I did cheat. I said where the f did that come from? Why are you acting like such an a$$? He said shut the f up. And this, of course, is awful of him, It sounds like this relationship has run its course. You each hold a lot of resentment for the other and it's coming out in toxic, hurtful ways. I would personally re-consider my options and start a plan to move on. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 24 Share Posted March 24 The unemployed mooch who lets you put a roof over his head really doesn't get a say in what you watch on TV. That said after being away for a while I would have though you would have wanted to spend time with him rather than choosing a reality show you know he doesn't like. Ican see why he was annoyed. I think this relationship has run it's course. You can't continue to support this guy. You two seem to be on different pages. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Calmandfocused Posted March 24 Share Posted March 24 The trigger to this argument was ridiculous but the triggers usually are. Op do you not see how your desperation to watch a reality tv programme immediately upon arriving home is a bit inappropriate? You felt things were a bit “off” with your partner whilst you were away. Instead of wanting to spend a bit of time with your partner when you came home, you insisted (repeatedly) to do something that you know grates on his nerves. Why did you do that? I’m not saying his behaviour was appropriate but yours certainly wasn’t either. You poured fuel on the fire, and intentionally so. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 24 Share Posted March 24 A lot of things are wrong here. I am seeing a man who should be working no matter what the job is. He should be working while searching for his dream job even if it's flipping burgers. Two years out of work waiting for the dream job is ridiculous. This man has no purpose and you act entitled (as described in here) so he's losing respect for you. No man respecting his gf will ever say stfu. Why wasn't he out with you at your family event? The 3rd person in this relationship is the tv. You come in and prioritize the tv over spending time with him. You go to bed and prioritize again the tv over letting him rest. You're in a selfish loop of accusing each other instead of being understanding toward the other. This not a dynamic you want to bring children in, this relationship will not survive the love, patience, understanding, team-work, required to raise a child together. 5 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 OP, when you notice your boyfriend is moody/upset/acting rude or whatever, why not just stay out of his way and do what you want to do (in this case, watch your TV show)? You don't have to have a conversation right there and then, you know. It's okay to let him be and, sometimes, to even sleep on it. When he decides he wants to talk to you, he knows where to find you. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 On 3/23/2024 at 2:56 PM, VSgirl said: Several minutes later, I get in bed and turn on my show that I never got to watch thinking he is asleep since he is turned over and not moving. Is there a reason you couldn't watch TV in the living room so as not to disturb his sleep? Turning on the tv in the bedroom is rude when someone is trying to sleep. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted March 28 Share Posted March 28 If any man started acting like a psycho towards me like this, that would be the last time. There's no way anyone with self-respect would continue this relationship. And the man hasn't worked for TWO YEARS, and is living off of savings? Unless he's filthy rich, that savings is going to run out, and then what?? This guy is a loser. Why would you put up with this? 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 28 Share Posted March 28 (edited) When a man acts like a 3 year old, sits in a car to pout for hours, is a man you shouldn't share a normal mature life with...because he doesn't know how to do it. Sorry but sometimes a relationship runs it's course. Boot him out. Edited March 28 by smackie9 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted March 28 Share Posted March 28 4 hours ago, ShyViolet said: If any man started acting like a psycho towards me like this, that would be the last time. There's no way anyone with self-respect would continue this relationship. And the man hasn't worked for TWO YEARS, and is living off of savings? Unless he's filthy rich, that savings is going to run out, and then what?? This guy is a loser. Why would you put up with this? ShyV is dead on with her post. NOBODY (especially a lady) deserves to be treated like that NOBODY. I would simply not put up with it under any circumstances. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 29 Share Posted March 29 You shouldn’t stay with him. He’s not treating you right. Maybe you aren’t a good match. any guy his age not working for TWO years has to be trying hard not to work! Just work! Do any job to be productive and bring home some money! he may need counseling. Not working at that prime age isn’t normal - he should be capable of finding work! just end it. He needs to grow up. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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