Shayla Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 Do we ever really know for sure if our spouse is cheating? Heres a little background. I have been married to my husband for almost 15 years now, and we have 2 kids. A few years back I noticed some signs in my husband that were different from his normal behavior. Here are some of those changes and the excuses I made for them. He began to drink alot more than usual. I chalk that up to the fact he was stressed from his job. (When I asked him why all the drinking, thats exactly what he told me, he was stressed from his job) May very well be true. The drinking caused him to become very short tempered and snappy. I got a phone call from a hotel asking to speak to my husband, saying that he left something at the hotel and he needed to come get it. He doesn't even own what they asked for. Hindsight being 20/20, I wish I would have asked more questions, like, "which hotel?" etc. I played it off as a prank. There is another person in my home town with the same name as my husbands. Once again I should have asked more questions around the matter. So I figured it was for the other person with the same name. When I told him of the phone call,he said sounded like a prank to him. He began to accuse me of cheating. I, right off the bat thought that was the give away and that it was him who was cheating for sure and he was turning it around on me. When I asked him why he felt the need to accuse me for something I was not doing, he says, " "I'm not getting alot of sex from you, so you must be". I had heard of this that lack of sex was a sign, however thats not always the case, and it sure wasn't the case with me. My lack of sex had nothing to do with me cheating, because I wasn't. Mine was medical issues and he knows this. He began to ask me what shirt looked better with which shorts to go play golf with his buddies. I passed this off too, because he has always looked the 'yuppy" part so to speak to play golf so that was nothing new. The only thing that was new was, the fact he asked me for my opinon on which looked better. I remember telling him I really didn't think his buddies cared what shirt went with which shorts. Saw a number on the cell bill that did not look familar. I saw this name and number in his cell. It was a mans numbers. When I asked him who the number was on the cell bill he said he has no clue. The number was a number that called my husbands cell, I never saw where he called them at all. He checked in his cell phonebook to see if this number was stored in his cell (which it was, I saw it), he told a lie and said he didn't have that number in his cell. Must have been a wrong number, well that number called my husbands cell alot. Next bill we got, the same number I asked him about, he asked me about and wanted to know whose number was it. I told him I don't know they call your cell alot. After I said that, that number has not showed back up on the cell bill at all. Where as before it was alot of like about 6-7 months. Those are a few things I noticed. Now I'm not saying he has cheated at all. Maybe he has thought about. Maybe everything that has happened is purely coinsedental. I remember talking with my counselor about all this, and he told me the one thing that stuck out in his mind the most, was the call I received from the hotel. To me, that was of my least concern because I think it to be a prank. When I asked him why that one more than any other, he said because it was least likely NOT to have been a prank. wtf? I don't get that. Please explain that?Anyway here I sit and I still often wonder if any of those were signs that he was or not. I no longer know what to believe. I do know might gut instinct tells me something was not right, just not sure what it was that wasn't right. I just thought I would share this, and I know I can not turn back the hands of time, but if I could I may have been a little more clued in to things that were going on. Any advice is helpful, thanks.
JadeStar Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Your counselor said the phone call from the hotel was more likely NOT to be a prank? Did he tell you why he felt that way? If not, maybe you need to ask him or give you a little more valid reason why he felt that particular one was more of a bother to him than anything else. Jade
NYCmitch25 Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 If you really think a guy is cheating he probably is. I don't like the lie about the number which seemingly he knew about since it was in his phone and that he blamed you of cheating for no good reason. That doesn't mean you should leave him esp. if you have children together. I have no idea how you should approach this because if someone doesn't want to confess it's hard to make them. No matter what you do, you will have only one chance to get it right so I would pick wisely. However, I would address the problems in the relationship which I think you are doing so already with a MC ?
SmoochieFace Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 If he quickly accuses you of cheating then most likely HE is actually doing it. Those who are the quickest to accuse others generally are guilty of it themselves...
Shayla Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Yes we have been to counseling. He doesn't go anymore just because he feels theres not a real problem. I go for myself as how to deal/handle things better. As far as asking my counselor about what he meant, I have. He says all in his years of dealing with couples in marraige couseling that he has seen all to often the "phone call thing" where someone has called and said something to one spouse, as a 'tip off" that something was going down. He did say he wasn't meaning for it to come across that my husband WAS in fact cheating, he was just meaning that I needed to look at the whole picture as it being a possiblity. I looked at it as a possibilty the day I got the call. Gut instinct though tells me it wasn't for him. Its not denial either. Denial is when someone knows something for sure with proof or evidence and still looks the other way on the matter. I haven't done that. I feel its a possibilty but, think it was a prank.
JadeStar Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 If he quickly accuses you of cheating then most likely HE is actually doing it. Those who are the quickest to accuse others generally are guilty of it themselves... Smoochie I have heard of this as well. However, thats not always the case as the OP stated. People accuse others for different reasons. Sure it might be hes cheating, but then again it could be a number of other things as well. She also said he accused her because of the lack of sex. So he went on the ASSUMPTION that because of the lack of sex she was cheating, thats not always true. He probably needed to look at the whole picture before assuming things like that. BTW there was a time in my marraige a few years back where I accused my husband of cheating, with no proof to back it up, because I wasn't looking at the whole picture. Because I accused him, did it mean I was cheating too? Nope, I had not cheated, it just came from insecurity on my part. So just because he said that doesn't mean he is/was. I do say the whole thing is odd though. Jade
SmoochieFace Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 However, thats not always the case as the OP stated. Certainly not always, agreed, but it does happen. It's kinda like the "smell it first, you dealt it" thingy. A gross analogy but you get the whiff.
JadeStar Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Certainly not always, agreed, but it does happen. It's kinda like the "smell it first, you dealt it" thingy. A gross analogy but you get the whiff. Thanks for the "whiff" smoochie.
lilmoma1973 Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Yeah always heard that too, if someone acusses you usually means they guilty of wrong doings , they are doing on their end and blaming the other for cheating so they won't feel guilty!! 1
Mz. Pixie Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Yeah, with all of those signs I say how could you have missed it. When the hotel called you should have gone down there or something to see if the address was the same or something. A sympathetic desk clerk would have helped you out I bet. His buddies do NOT care about what he wears and which looks better, I can promise you that much. I would have also done some snooping, perhaps following him. It seems as though the signs were there but you chose to ignore them. That's perfectly okay because I'm sure people do that all of the time for whatever reason. So, yeah, in your case, you probably could have really known if you'd done some digging at the time.
lilmoma1973 Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Me too Pixie , i would have been following his ass from the first sign that is just me !! Maybe she has her blinders on and doesn't want to see it !! i always expect the unexpected that way i won't get hurt!! I trust only so far and then i put a wall so you can't get too close to me that way i don't get hurt!! Might be stupid but atleast i won't hurt that bad!!!
JadeStar Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 She did say that hindsight is 20/20 and that she wished she could go back and do things differently. So theres not alot she can do now. It could be too maybe she realized something wasn't right, and even though some signs were there, perhaps she didn't know what to do or expect. I doubt it was she was blindsided, I think she knew something was wrong but wasn't sure what or maybe how to go about finding out. It sounds like many things happening at one time as well. Sometimes, especailly if this was the first time something like this came up, maybe she wasn't sure which way to turn. Just makes for a learning experience in that, if it were to happen again or something was up, she might would reconize the signs a little better, and perhaps know what she needs to do to go about finding stuff out. Plus, no one knows for sure what they would or wouldn't do. Jade
Outcast Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Those who are the quickest to accuse others generally are guilty of it themselves... Not necessarily sure that's true. That assumes that everybody's coping stragegy is 'projection' and that's used by some people but not by everyone. I agree that you need to be in MC. There are issues there that need to be dealt with. There's too little information to go on but if I were to suspect any cheating at all, it might be that he's married and gay - which does happen. He's got no reason to want to look nice for the guys unless he wants to impress one. OTOH, maybe he was just trying to get you to look at and admire his looks, too. Something is up but it could be any of many things and the best thing is to try to persuade him to go to MC with you and talk out his issues. Tell him it distresses you that he's not happy and maybe an MC can help you work it out together.
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