I need space....

[almostthere]

I am about to ask my bf for some space. Anytime I have done this I never go back. I really do love this guy. I am living between his house and mine and my kids adore him. The problem is is that his exw wants him back and they argue about me all the time. I feel so...I dont even know how to say it. She was there at Christmas dinner. She hates me and is not taking this well at all. Why would she be there? Why would his family even invite her there when they KNEW i was coming? Why wouldnt my bf stand up for me and him and demand her not to come? I'm tired....worn out and i can barely even look at him anymore I am so upset with him. I hate to go because I thought I found someone this time. Guess I was wrong. I have been putting up with this our whle relationship and it hasnt gotten any better. I dont see how it ever could. And while I still have you reading this...can you tell me if it is inappropriate for me to write him a letter explaining this? I mean I'll tlak to him about the letter but let him read how I feel first? I tend to write a lot when I am upset.

[bluechocolate]

Sounds like there are three people in your relationship, which for most people is one too many.

 

She was there at Christmas dinner.

 

That is outrageous. You're right, he should have stood up for you. I take it this was your first Christmas together?

 

You didn't mention how long you've been seeing each other, wether they have children, or how long they've been divorced.

 

Why would his family even invite her there when they KNEW i was coming?

 

My guess would be that that is because they want them back together, which makes your relationship even more crowded.

 

Don't tell him you need space, that deflects from the real issue. Tell him you're stepping back until his relationship with the ex-wife is truly over and get on with your life as if he's not there and not coming back.

[almostthere]

I guess I forgot a few points there.

 

They have been divorced for a year and a half. They have three young children together.

 

Only one of his sisters invited him to come to dinner. No one else wanted her there.

 

We have only been together for 4 months but we both consider it to be more like 9 months. We just count from 4 months because thats when we actually voiced it I guess you'd say. Thats why I havent said any of this to him. About how this feels to me. I dont feel after 4 months I have a place to say anything. But somethings got to change because this does feel like a relationship with 3 people. And I am tired of it.

[salmagundi]

I agree with the previous post. You need to stand up for yourself, you have every right to expect that if he's going to be with you he's going to get her out of his life (as much as possible, at least, given that they have kids.) You need to back off, I think, but you definitely need to be clear as to why so he knows exactly what it is he needs to think about (that is, what it is he wants, his ex or you). But I think he is a bit of a jackass for not seeing to it that his ex wasnt at that dinner. EIther he's weakwilled or he is being a bit ambiguous with you (maybe he is torn as to whether he wants to be with you or her) But he definitely seems weak. I would dump him...it might impose some clarity on his feelings at least...

 

hope that helps

 

salmagundi

[CaliGuy]

I guess I forgot a few points there.

 

They have been divorced for a year and a half. They have three young children together.

 

Knowing this, you must understand that his XW will always be a part of his life. Can you accept that? If you love him, you must accept his past as well as his future.

 

Only one of his sisters invited him to come to dinner. No one else wanted her there.

 

Did he know she was going to be there? Was it a surprise to you both? Did you tell him you were uncomfortable with the situation? Communication is essential to any relationship and if you both aren't communicating well then what bothers you about this he may perceive that it doesn't because you haven't said anything to the contrary.

 

We have only been together for 4 months but we both consider it to be more like 9 months. We just count from 4 months because thats when we actually voiced it I guess you'd say. Thats why I havent said any of this to him. About how this feels to me. I dont feel after 4 months I have a place to say anything. But somethings got to change because this does feel like a relationship with 3 people. And I am tired of it.

 

Of course it's your place to say something. That's a boundary and if it's crossed you must have repercussions for doing so. Tell him that it bothers you and if it happens again you will leave him and mean it. Don't jump the gun and ask for 'space' when you really haven't communicated well to each other what your boundaries are.

 

Do tell him that if you are to be together that you don't want his family interfering in your relationship. If he is indeed a man he will go to them and tell them not to ever do that again.

 

Take a deep breath, think about what happened and what part he had in this (it seems to be very little) and think about what you both could do to insure this doesn't happen again.

 

If it does then you have every right to walk away but at this point it seems to me to be a family interfering in your relationship not something he directly caused.

[almostthere]

We knew days ahead of time she was invited. He said he told her not to come. He also told me we didnt have to go. I thought that it was stupid for her to go and us not to. So maybe thats my fault. He knew it bothered me. But I thought I would try to be supportive and go with him. Considering his family complained because I couldnt make it on Thanksgiving and they really wanted to meet me. She of course was invited too...supposedly didnt not show up. I just wanted to make a statement to her by me showing up when I knew she'd be there. I wanted her to know she did not intimidate me. But while I was there I treated her as I did anyone else at the party. I would have never NEVER allowed that situation to take place with my ex.

 

I do realize that she will always be there. Just as my exh's girlfriend had to realize that about me. But my ex and I only talk once a week and its kept to a 5 minute conversation about when and what time for the kids to be dropped off and picked up. If his gf answers the phone her and I discuss the plans. We dont have any problem communicating.

 

I have told him this bothers me. Several times. They fight all the time. I was kept a secret until maybe a month ago from the kids. And that was because...in his words...he didnt want them to tell their mom. Because he didnt need the headache of her calling.

 

I dont know...I am so hurt, so angry and so confused. I dont need this drama in my life. I have two children that unfortunatly are going to be caught up in this too. I should just walk away. Theres too much here. Me and my kids are fine on our own. I dont need anything more then them to make me happy. And unfortunatly after going through my divorce I realized people can be replaced if need be. I am worth more to myself and my children then to be made to feel this way.

 

He blames his exw for all of this. Says he cannot control how she feels or the arguments that happen. When my exh acted like this and I knew it wasnt about the children...I ignored the phone. I didnt pick it up. Sometimes he would leave me 19 messages on my cell a day. One time he called 64 times in one day to yell at me like she yells at him. But every time she calls he battles it out.

 

I will tell you this and no one can change my mind...if I do break up with him she will be getting at least a note on her car with me telling her off. If her kids arent home it will be in person.

[CaliGuy]

We knew days ahead of time she was invited. He said he told her not to come. He also told me we didnt have to go. I thought that it was stupid for her to go and us not to. So maybe thats my fault.

 

He gave you the option of not going and supported you by saying he would not go as well. Did you say 'let's go?' The ball was in your court. This is your fault, not his. He did stand up for you.

 

He knew it bothered me. But I thought I would try to be supportive and go with him.

 

Don't make assumptions. Talk about it. Communicate.

 

 

But she does intimdate you because you're posting about it here wanting to leave him based on not his actions but your own.

 

I do realize that she will always be there. Just as my exh's girlfriend had to realize that about me. But my ex and I only talk once a week and its kept to a 5 minute conversation about when and what time for the kids to be dropped off and picked up. If his gf answers the phone her and I discuss the plans. We dont have any problem communicating.

 

Apparently you do.

 

I have told him this bothers me. Several times. They fight all the time. I was kept a secret until maybe a month ago from the kids. And that was because...in his words...he didnt want them to tell their mom. Because he didnt need the headache of her calling.

 

He's trying to do damage control for the sake of the kids. You must understand and accept that and not be so bothered by it. When you buy into another family you also buy into the current situation and problems it could bring. If you are not willing to deal with it then do leave him. The way you describe the problem this is not exclusive to your current situation. This is typical of dating anyone who is divorced with kids. She will never go away. However you are with him now, not her. Have some confidence in yourself. You don't need to worry about what she thinks of you. It's not important. What you think of yourself is.

 

I dont know...I am so hurt, so angry and so confused.

 

You brought it upon yourself.

 

I dont need this drama in my life. I have two children that unfortunatly are going to be caught up in this too. I should just walk away. Theres too much here. Me and my kids are fine on our own. I dont need anything more then them to make me happy. And unfortunatly after going through my divorce I realized people can be replaced if need be. I am worth more to myself and my children then to be made to feel this way.

 

Then do what you must. Perhaps you can find another man who hasn't been married or has kids and you won't have that issue, but of course, he may have the same issues with your ex and kids as you have of your current BF.

 

He blames his exw for all of this. Says he cannot control how she feels or the arguments that happen.

 

He's right. He can not control her he can only control himself. He can choose not to argue with her so perhaps you can make that suggestion to him?

 

When my exh acted like this and I knew it wasnt about the children...I ignored the phone. I didnt pick it up. Sometimes he would leave me 19 messages on my cell a day. One time he called 64 times in one day to yell at me like she yells at him. But every time she calls he battles it out.

 

Love is defined as accepting someone completely for who they are, faults and all. It's also about making each other better people. If you feel he is worth it, perhaps investing some of your time to teach him how to deal with the ex and the problems she creates will reap you the rewards you are searching for.

 

I will tell you this and no one can change my mind...if I do break up with him she will be getting at least a note on her car with me telling her off. If her kids arent home it will be in person.

 

That would be completely insecure and childish of you.

[almostthere]

Thank you for you post. I appreciate your time and effort. I do find some of your statements hard to agree with, however, I dont completely disagree.

 

I was talking about me and my exh's girlfriend dont have any problems communicating. We are both adults. We have no problem realizing and accepting where my relationship with my ex ends and hers begins.

 

All I want is for something or someone to tell her to stop. Stop calling and putting me down and to stop calling and asking for him back. Who does she think she is to say who belongs in the house he owns? I know shes jealous and hurting. I understand this. I have been there too before with my exh a few years ago. But this has been our whole relationship.

 

I have self confidence. I am not afraid of him going back. I can really tell and have no doubt that it is truly over between those two. She just needs to realize this.

 

And the only reason I want to leave her a note is because I am tired of all of this. She slashed my tires when we first started dating...I think thats a bit more childish then me leaving a note.

 

And I have dated several divorced men with children and not a single one had these problems. Just him.

 

I dont know what I am looking for anyone to tell me. I know I am going to do what I am going to do regardless of any advice. I am just so mad at him right now. After 4 months...this should be done. But he keeps running everytime she needs him for something. Oh well.....I'm done. I guess I stay and shut up or I leave and start my search over again. Seems like the only two options.

[CaliGuy]

All I want is for something or someone to tell her to stop. Stop calling and putting me down and to stop calling and asking for him back.

 

You can't stop this. Just work with him to show him how you dealt with it and what worked. Invest your time in him if you love him. It sounds to me like your giving up without much effort.

 

Who does she think she is to say who belongs in the house he owns?

 

Who cares what she says or thinks. None of it should bother you. Be secure in who you are and never let her see you sweat. She has nothing over you. You have what she wants and that's all the security you need.

 

I know shes jealous and hurting. I understand this. I have been there too before with my exh a few years ago. But this has been our whole relationship.

 

Again it comes down to you investing time showing him the light and accepting that she's a part of his life due to the kids. He may never stop taking her calls because of the kids and if he loves them, and I am sure he does, he will take her calls as he never knows if it's an emergency he needs to take care of for them.

 

I have self confidence. I am not afraid of him going back. I can really tell and have no doubt that it is truly over between those two. She just needs to realize this.

 

Again this is HER problem, not yours. Just work with him on dealing with it and accept that she won't go away, at least not right now. Teach him.

 

And the only reason I want to leave her a note is because I am tired of all of this. She slashed my tires when we first started dating...I think thats a bit more childish then me leaving a note.

 

So you want to go down to her level? Be a bigger person than that.

 

And I have dated several divorced men with children and not a single one had these problems. Just him.

 

Then why are you with him?

 

I dont know what I am looking for anyone to tell me. I know I am going to do what I am going to do regardless of any advice. I am just so mad at him right now. After 4 months...this should be done. But he keeps running everytime she needs him for something. Oh well.....I'm done. I guess I stay and shut up or I leave and start my search over again. Seems like the only two options.

 

You did come here for advice but like many others you are hard headed and will do whatever, regardless. I often wonder why people bother asking for advice only to do the exact opposite of what was suggested?!?

 

I'm neutral here. I don't gain a single thing by giving you advice. No kudos, no pat on the back, no money. Out of the goodness of our hearts we offer sound advice based on our experience. If the outcome you want is to stay with this man and work things out then you must have the strength and patience to work with him.

 

If not then go ahead and take the easy route and dump him.

 

It's your choice.

[almostthere]

I actually really do appreciate that you have taken the time out of your busy day to answer my posts. Your last response really made a lot of sense to me. I guess I just get frustrated because every time shes calls we need to stop our conversation, stop our movie, back rubs or whatever so he can answer the phone. It's such an interruption to our lives. Sometimes they argue for 2 or 3 hours. At a minimum an hour every time. I know he feels the same way. I guess I should just be patient. I think the reason it bothers me so much is that he never told me about this when we first met. We were friends 5 months before we got together. And I didnt have a clue of this problem. He never mentioned it once. I guess I wouldnt of either if I wanted to be with someone. It just kinda caught me off guard.

 

And you are 100% correct...if I do leave him it would be the easy solution to this problem. I try to help. Me and his brother both offer advice on this but he just says dont worry I've got it. I have tried to sympthize with the exwife (having been in her shoes before) but its hard to do sometimes.

 

Plus her oldest son (18 yrs old) lives with my bf (his stepdad) and is home all the time so I really have to be careful. Even though he says he doesnt like her...she is still his mom and he loves her. This I understand and I wont ever undermind her in front of my children, hers or theirs. In fact I have told my children to refer to her as her first name in front of the kids. They only knew her as the ex. I found that inappropriate for their children to hear all the time.