Shocking story..

[jmargel]

I heard about this over xmas. My aunt was married for over 25 years. They had a daughter and she was esentially brought up the correct way. The husband was always there for his family and was according to everyone a perfect husband and father. Even 6 months ago him & his wife went on a vacation to Ireland.

 

About 3 months ago, him only being 55 had a heart attack. It was sudden, no one expected it. She came home one Saturday afternoon from grocery shopping and while he was helping her bring the items in he complained of chest pains. As she called 911, he sat in a chair and had a heart attack. He didn't make it. She was crushed the love of her life, gone. 25 years together and it suddenly ended so fast. His daughter of course was devestated as well.

 

They had the funeral and she was going to make the best of her life although she missed him dearly. A couple of weeks ago she found a safe. She didn't know they had one. When she opened it the biggest shock she ever gotten came about. Inside this safe were pictures of him and a woman. Along with the pictures was a divorce decree in which was signed by him. She had no clue that he was cheating on her or that he wanted a divorced. Now she has to live with this and even worse no way to get an explanation from him since he's no longer here. Apparently those 'trips' to his brother's place in which he went by himself were trips to this woman's place. It had pictures of him & her in NYC doing various things. She doesn't know who this woman is and I believe is in the process of trying to find her.

 

25 years and she thought she knew everything about him, trusted & loved him with all her heart. No one would ever could have guessed someone like him to do something like this. For how long this has been going on, I am not sure. However maybe someone can answer this question..

 

I know in pennslyvania if one party signs a divorce paper and the other party refuses, two years must pass by before it becomes official then. Not sure what it is in NJ, where they lived. By my other question is, if one signs the papers and the other party doesn't know about it and those two years ago by will it still become offical even though the other party had no knowledge of it? I would think not but there is nothing signed that you refuse to sign it so in all reality there is no proof that the other party actually seen or not seen the divorce papers. I guess he was waiting for the state to make it official without her knowledge.

 

I haven't talked to her but what do you say to someone in this situation?

[SamandBran]

I don't know too much about that legalities of divorce decrees and so forth, but as for her, I would tell her to get a lawyer. Because I'm sure a lawyer would know. I would tell her this as a friend to make sure that she gets everything she is entitled to and the motivation that she uses in doing this will probably ease the pain and confusion that she is feeling.

 

On a more personal level, I would assure her that no one ever really knows anyone no matter how many years pass. It is sad to say, but especially nowadays with all that I have heard about between military spouses, I am surprised people aren't more leary of marriage or at least somewhat cautious while in the marriage. This may not be a way that people want to think but we are far from the fairy tale that we grew up hearing about. This is real life and I know first hand. I just recently got married and it's a whole 'nother ball game.

 

She is probably feeling hurt but I would tell her not to dwell on it. I don't even know if she should try to find the other woman. She had 25 years with her husband and he has passed. Maybe everything happens for a reason. I would suggests that she move on with her life for herself and her daughter.

 

Good luck and keep us posted of the outcome.

[loony]

This is such a horrible story :( Your poor poor aunt. I'm not sure what I would say in such a situation as it seems whatever you say will be futile to provide her with resolution.

 

If I were her, I'd probably try to find out who the woman is, I'd search all his papers, check the bills, I would look at everything that he has ever touched and would try to find who she is. Then I would go and confront her about this. My assumption in this case is that it's better to know the full truth and confront it then repressing the pain. I find an understanding of the reason why things have happened usually helps me to find some sense in it to make the pain bearable. I can then "comfort" myself with the belief that life had wanted me to learn a lesson even if I didn't want it.

 

Sometimes I think I should stop reading on LS because of such stories, you just hear about lies, betrayals, games that people play, it all makes the world look like a deeply rotten place.

[Mz. Pixie]

That's a sad story, J. Your poor Aunt. I don't have any advice but just wanted to post this.

[SamandBran]

I do agree with you about that Loony. After some of these stories, you wonder if that same "story" may not be happening to you as we speak.

 

It is sad and I hope that in everyone's life at some point that they do experience true happiness.

 

I, also, have found that knowing the truth can be "freeing" in some way on a case-by-case basis. Somethings, I would have been better off not knowing.

[Craig]

25 years and she thought she knew everything about him, trusted & loved him with all her heart. No one would ever could have guessed someone like him to do something like this.

Another example of why it isn't a good idea to assume things about people.

[lilmoma1973]

 

I am so feel so sorry for your aunt.. She thought she had the perfect h and marriage and after he dies that he wasn't so perfect i bet that was a slap in the face!! I guess that why i expect the unexpected ,and trust someone only so far, and keep that wall up so they can't get too close!! I guess sometimes the people we marry aren't the people we really think they are !!

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry that happened to your Aunt. My heart goes out to her and the pain she must be feeling.

[jmargel]

Thanks.. but you would think after 25 years you would think you would know someone! All I told my wife when my mom told us this story was that if she ever cheated to tell me.. So I could move on. Cheating is one thing but to hide it from your spouse so that they are basically living a lie that's the topping on the cake.

 

As far as I know nothing in his will went to the OW. No one knows anything about her, just what she looks like. Some of the pictures were of him & her in a limosine in NYC living it up. It's very shocking because he's the home-body type. Your typical mid 50's man walking out in his boxers & socks upto his knees getting his morning newspaper. *shrug*

[loony]

As far as I know nothing in his will went to the OW. No one knows anything about her, just what she looks like.

What about his cell phone bill? Bank accounts? What about friends in NYC? I mean, he must have met her somehow there.

 

Your aunt needs to do become active to deal with the pain otherwise she will fall into a black hole of depression. I can imagine that right now she feels very helpless and confused, if this continues for too long she might sink deeper into this mental hell.

[alphamale]

Thanks.. but you would think after 25 years you would think you would know someone!

One can never really know another 100%. Its impossible.

 

All I told my wife when my mom told us this story was that if she ever cheated to tell me.. So I could move on. Cheating is one thing but to hide it from your spouse so that they are basically living a lie that's the topping on the cake.

many who are married and cheat on the side want the best of both worlds. They want a spouse and they want a lover on the side.

[Art_Critic]

My aunt and uncle divorced after 33 years of marriage ..

 

My uncle had an affair and left my aunt.. He was remarried within 6 months.

My aunt and uncle had raised 2 children and 3 grandchildren.

 

My aunt to this day never saw it coming and was devastated

 

I agree that you can never really know someone..

[loony]

My aunt and uncle divorced after 33 years of marriage ..

 

My uncle had an affair and left my aunt.. He was remarried within 6 months.

My aunt and uncle had raised 2 children and 3 grandchildren.

 

My aunt to this day never saw it coming and was devastated

 

I agree that you can never really know someone..

Man, I'm seriously considering leaving this thread, and maybe the best would be to leave LS altogether. :eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

[quankanne]

what a shocker, J ~ my condolences on your uncle's passing, however.

 

here's my two cents: At some point, had a divorce truly been in the works, your aunt would have been served with papers. I know the particulars of divorce vary from state to state, but because it takes place in court, and the case is put on a docket, your aunt would have had to received notification.

 

my thought is that he had the paperwork drawn up – possibly even arranged to have someone pretending to be your aunt "accept" the divorce notice – to make it look to the woman he was fooling around with like he had a divorce. After reading all those sob stories from other women about why their men love them so much but choose to stay for the children's sake, my sneaky mind tells me that he cooked up the divorce story so that he could continue his affair with her but still retain what he had with your aunt. It's the only thing that would make sense: he gets his cake and he eats as he pleases.

 

your aunt deserves a huge hug for the pain she's going through ~ don't know what to say to help her heal, except that the truth has a way of revealing itself in the end.

[Outcast]

My other question is, if one signs the papers and the other party doesn't know about it and those two years ago by will it still become offical even though the other party had no knowledge of it?

 

It would have had to have been filed with the courts and your aunt notified. I suspect he either did it to fool the OW into thinking he was getting a divorce because he had no intention of doing so or else he was pondering divorcing but couldn't bring himself to do it.

On a more personal level, I would assure her that no one ever really knows anyone no matter how many years pass.

 

Could be the aunt ignored signs but it's certainly true that assuming you know someone is 'perfect in every way' is wrong after 25 years and fatal in just a few weeks or months.

 

However, that said, certainly I would think that a spouse would be likely to contact the other spouse at least daily when the two are separated so unless he was running a cel phone rather than calling from his 'brother's place', your aunt may have missed out some rather telling signs that he wasn't where he said he was. And certainly I'd expect issues to come up that one might have to call the 'brother's place' while the spouse is gone to talk about something at home. Something's a bit fishy there IMHO.

[jmargel]

That's what I thought, she would be notified if he signed them & taken them to court. Guess he was pondering what to do at the time. We don't know yet how long this has been going on but from what my mom told me he would "visit" his brother who lived in NY. Not a far distance from where he lived in NJ. Not sure if he had a cell phone or not.

 

I would assume if something is wrong in a marriage one spouse would pick up on some signs. However a cheating spouse is often very clever in covering their tracks. Our neighbor divorced after 20 years of marriage. She has now turned lesibian and living with a woman.

 

I know the news and this board usually only brings up the bad side of relationships & marriage. I want to remind everyone out there that these stories are not a norm and alot of happy (married) couples are out there today.

[Mz. Pixie]

Here's a thought. Could he have had the papers drawn up as a ploy to make the OW think he was getting a divorce when he really wasn't?? As in, "See, honey I've signed the papers, just waiting on her to sign her part."

[SamandBran]

However, that said, certainly I would think that a spouse would be likely to contact the other spouse at least daily when the two are separated so unless he was running a cel phone rather than calling from his 'brother's place', your aunt may have missed out some rather telling signs that he wasn't where he said he was. And certainly I'd expect issues to come up that one might have to call the 'brother's place' while the spouse is gone to talk about something at home. Something's a bit fishy there IMHO.

 

I believe, especially after 25 years of marriage, that people do assume that they know who they are with and they get "comfortable". The only problem with getting comfortable is that you are no longer on your p's and q's and you may miss signs that ordinarily would have caught onto when you were younger and more suspect of the opposite sex.

 

In her defense though, I believe that life is too short and I told my husband that if I felt that if I couldn't trust him, then I would not be married to him. You should have to go around at 50 years of age, hiding behind trees and checking phone records. I mean, REALLY, where does it end? The infidelity. The lies.

 

Like, I said, if I were her, I would let it go the same time that I let my dead husband go. If the legalities seem to all be in place then I wouldn't even worry about the other woman. She may have had her "fling" with her husband, but in the end, his wife wins. She was the main woman and she will most likely get everything. Guys rarely leave their wives for their mistress. And the OW is willing to settle for a man that is already married, that is exactly what she will continue to be, the OTHER WOMAN. Just the woman on the side, that gets Christmas and Birthday gifts and nothing else.

 

Your aunt will be okay. Women are a helluva lot stronger emotionally because so many of us have seen the deceit before and have had to deal with it. Just tell her to make sure nothing went to the OW. If nothing did, then excuse my French but f*ck her. lol. I would not go on a wild goose chase looking for her unless I have a reason to (i.e. part of will going to her, etc.)

 

Your aunt will be fine. Again, excuse the language but I actually got mad reading all of these posts about other men that left their wives after so many years of marriage. PLEASE! I'm like get it together already! smh (shaking my head)

[SamandBran]

I meant to say to say that your aunt should NOT have to go around hiding behind trees and checking up on her husband at 50. typo.

[Mz. Pixie]

But his aunt was from a different time. More women today leave their husbands for this kind of thing because they can AFFORD to. They are making enough money to support themselves and less likely to put up with bull. Times have changed from the days where women had to stay married because of money somewhat.

[brashgal]

Wow - sounds like 'The Bridges of Madison County' when the kids find evidence of their Mom's love affair after she dies.

 

Did you search on NJ Family Law to see if you can find an answer?

 

http://www.njlawnet.com/familylaw.html

 

there is also a Q&A forum, you could ask the question

 

http://www.njlawnet.com/cgi-bin/forum/qaforum.cgi?az=list&forum=DCForumID15&conf=DCConfID3