fvlball54 Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 i have been dating a girl now for 9 months. things are pretty serious, we are way in love and i'm pretty sure that this girl is the one. however, there is a little problem i have. i get jealous. she lives in california and we go to college together. so, during the summer and holiday breaks, she goes back home. she tells me about all these guys that hit on her while she is at work, or she will tell me about haning out with some of her guy friends. now, normally, i would take it a complimant that other guys are hitting on my girlfriend, and i would be happy that she gets to hang out and have fun with her friends. but i get jealous. its not that i dont trust her, because i do, i know that she wont just up and leave me for someone else. but she tells me about these guys and i immediatly get sad, i get....jealous, thats the only way i can explain how i feel. example...one of her friends from california, a guy who used to have a crush on her and she used to have a crush on him, flew to minnesota to visit a bunch of people at our college. so, she of course would run into him and visit for a while. after i found out this news, i got sad, i was in a bad mood, i was jealous. why did i get like that? i eventually met the guy and he was nice and such. eventually i went and layed on my girlfriends bed because i was tired of standing. the entire time i was waiting for her to be done talking and come in and lay with me, which i know i shouldnt have wanted that because she should get to catch up with a friend from home. but i still got depressed i guess. why do i get like this about her guy friends and other guys that hit on her? it really bother me
Walk Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 I would think, if you aren't normally the jealous type, that maybe she's talking about these other men a little too much. Or there's something you're noticing subconsciously (or don't want to see) in her actions or words that would make you uncomfortable. Have you talked to her about this yet? It's something that could harm your relationship severely if you don't resolve this issue. Even if you feel she's true blue, and wouldn't cheat on you, your insecurity could sabatoge the relationship at some point. I would suggest talking with her first. But keep it light, non-threatening. Don't even hint at an accusation that she may be cheating. Just tell her that you're feeling insecure, that you trust her, but that you wanted her to understand if you acted poorly or a certain way after hearing about her guy friends. Let her know that you're working on this issue, and you would appreciate if she could help also. Maybe by not bringing up every single guy that hit on her while you two were apart. Either that, or sit her down and discuss whether she's happy in this relationship. Sometimes people bring up all the instances of other men hiting on them in order to make their partner jealous. They want to elicite a response of some kind. Usually it back fires, but what they wanted was for a more attentive partner, or more physically affectionate partner. Ask her if she feels any part of the relationship could be improved, if she's happy with the way the relationship is going, and if you can do more/less of something. I know from experience though that the feelings of insecurity won't just go away. And will probably get worse with time if you don't take steps now to resolve this. If she is honestly not attempting to make you jealous, then she should be considerate enough to limit her comments, or time with guy friends. If she's subconciousouly attempting to make you jealous, then this might help her see what she is doing and why. And worse case scenario, if she's honestly dissatisfied in the relationship, this will give the both of you time to fix it before she decides someone else looks better to her then you. 1
confused&inneed Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 fvlball54 I would have to agree with walk. Walk has said some great things that I would honestly take into consideration. Talking with her is the best thing that you can do. Make sure that you use "I" statments when you talk to her about it that way it doesnt sound like you are pointing a finger at her. I to am not a jealous type but have gotten a tad jealous this past two weeks with my bf. Though we have not been dating as long as you and your gf. But i understand what you are trying to say. I will also talk to my bf like Walk has suggested. Lat me know how things work out for the two of you. Good luck
Author fvlball54 Posted December 27, 2005 Author Posted December 27, 2005 so, what am i to tell her when i do talk to her about this? That its not that i dont trust her, its the guys i dont trust. Is that it? i guess i'm confused over all of this and why i am this way. i dont like being like this at all
Walk Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Just out of curiosity, have you been jealous since the beginning of the relationship? Or can you point to a more definite time in the relationship where it may have started? Basically, can you define to yourself what may have sparked your jealousy, or has it always been there with this girl? As far as the conversation with her... You might want to start with a "how is the relationship for her" conversation. As in, asking what her needs are (emotional security, physical affection, words of support/love). I'm thinking that maybe part of your confusion is coming from the fact that you're not really clear on if there is, or what the problem is. If she's not sharing that with you, then you need to dig a little deeper (ask questions) about what's going on in her head. Then ask her if her needs are being met, or how you can better meet them. The more specific you are, and the more follow up questions you ask, the better you'll be able to address any areas that may need attention. If you only ask if she's happy, she'll probably give you a blanket yes response. You might not get much information on what her needs are, and if they're being met. My advice is keep asking, and be patient. A lot of people have no clue what they really need in a relationship, or life. Sometimes you have to instill the question, and then let it stew in their head for a while before they can answer your question. But ask again, and be supportive. As far as the conversation of feeling insecure... that depends a lot on what kind of personality you have. I might start it off with a statement like, "I'm sorry if I've been acting moody. I get insecure about our relationship at times. Especially since you are so attractive (fill in compliments), and I know other men would jump at the chance to have you." Or something along those lines. If you feel that she ignores you while her guy friends are visiting, then explain that to her. You have every right to feel slighted, or insecure, if she's devoting all of her attention toward another guy. And frankly, I fully believe in setting some...uh... boundaries on our partners behavior if they are causing us to feel badly about ourselves. Some people need to have it drawn in the sand, others are good with more subtlety. Start subtle, and if that doesn't help, go for the more direct approach. ie.. (slightly subtle) "I'm feeling insecure because it seems as if you are more attentive toward other men when they're around, then with me." (more direct) "When you direct all your attention toward other men and ignore me while I'm in the same room, it really makes me feel as if you don't want to be in this relationship." You know your relationship best, and who your partner is. The thing that works best for me, when I have a serious problem, is to write out a list of alternatives and the good/bad of each. You have to really define the problem though, or the alternative solutions end up too generalized to help. Come up with 4 or 5 solutions, then pick the one you feel is best. It helps clarify the problem, and lets you see where problems may arise in your solution, and whether its worth using or not.
Walk Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 One last thing... nearly every time I've felt insecure/jealous there was an underlying problem with the relationship. Usually something my partner felt was wrong with the relationship, but wasn't sharing with me. It doesn't mean she's cheating, or will cheat on you, but that she may have created some distance between the two of you that you're aware of subconciously at least. Just talk with her, ask her questions, and listen to her answers without forming a defense. Don't get upset or defensive, and don't let her pull you into getting upset/defensive either. And keep your tone and body language supportive, and accepting. The specific words aren't as important as the atmosphere.
Lifestream Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 In my opinion it feels like she's trying to say how attractive she is but it is in turn making you feel inferior. I don't know for sure, but I can't find another reason why she should bring it up other than she wants to prop herself up and prove to you how attractive she is. I never understood it either. If she's so into one guy then wouldn't it make other guys hitting on her irrelevant and therefore a dead issue? I don't understand why girls bring it up if it is totally irrelevant and unnecessary.
Walk Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 I never understood it either. If she's so into one guy then wouldn't it make other guys hitting on her irrelevant and therefore a dead issue? I don't understand why girls bring it up if it is totally irrelevant and unnecessary. Unfortunately, this isn't confined to the female gender. Men are great at pulling this too. Few reasons people do this... A) some people think that by telling their partner about other men (women) hitting on them, it will make the partner try harder to keep them. B) Their partner stopped making them feel appreciated or attractive, so they become more influenced by those types of comments. When something affects us strongly, we tend to want to talk about it. Usually with someone close to us. C.) She's feeling insecure about her bf and whether he wants her, so she's hoping to make him realize she's a desired commodity by telling him other men want her. D.) She honestly doesn't think it would bother the bf, and is telling him because she's upset with the guys for hitting on her. In my experience, I usually see this when the partner starts to feel unappreciated by her bf. Taken for granted. Just my experience though.
Lifestream Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Yup, all very true, and very good points. I remember talking to my ex and I said it was "weird" how this girl hit on me while I was she was with me. But really, it was sort of like me saying that I'm good enough to find someone else.
confused&inneed Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Again i would have to agree with Walk, he has said pretty much everything that i would have said and then some. I myself am stugling with not feeling wanted in my relationship, like i am not good enough for him to tell his personal feelings to. And some of the questions that Walk brought up i plan on asking my bf tonight when we hangout. I feel really hurt and left out by his actions these past couple days. I would encourage you to take the adive that Walk has presented here and try to apply it to your relationship and see if it will help you. Besides if you cannot communicate with your gf you have no relationship. Communication is the key.
Author fvlball54 Posted December 29, 2005 Author Posted December 29, 2005 well, thank you all for your advice. i talked to my girlfriend last night. she took this topic seriously and i explained everything to her. however she couldnt see how me being jealous doesnt have anything to do with me not trusting her. she wanted me to trust that she doesnt even think about those other guys, she wants me to trust that she will show she has a boyfriend, its not just trusting her that she wont leave me. i guess she's right. i have to trust her in many different ways, its that way with all relationships. the word "trust" goes so far, thats why you cant just tell someone that u trust them, it will catch up with you later. so, my girlfriend turned this whole thing on her saying that she has failed me, she hasnt shown me how and why she loves me so much. she concluded the conversation say only two simple things. "Its the whole combination of your attributes, your likes, your dislike, you looks, your personality- all of that put together and thats why i love u- you are perfect for me" and "i love you more than anything in the world- that HAS to mean that you are something pretty special. So, the conversation helped, i know exactly how she feels, i hope i can just remember that the next time i get jealous.
confused&inneed Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 I am glad to hear that things went well with you. Good Luck for the furture!
Walk Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 "Its the whole combination of your attributes, your likes, your dislike, you looks, your personality- all of that put together and thats why i love u- you are perfect for me" and "i love you more than anything in the world- that HAS to mean that you are something pretty special. Sounds like you've got someone who's deeply in love with you. Give her a hug and tell her she's special to you too. Don't forget she needs to hear it from you too. Sometimes we don't tell our SO's that enough.
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